Planofool Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 I need to know what kind of a wife would use revenge as a weapon against their husband. Twice in my wife's life she has used revenge as an excuse to punish her husband. Her ex was screwing around on her so she hooked up with his best friend to get back at him( this I was told by her when we met). I was told one explanation of this and have found writings and letters that show it got out of hand and she fell in love with the OM. Her husband caught them and filed for divorce. That is not exactly how she tells the story but what I have read and found out.This was 28 yrs ago. This year she decided that I needed to be punished. She later said she was way out of line in her thinking and that I didn't deserve it. She claims revenge led to her talking to one of her old boyfriends who has been calling off and on for 28 yrs. She claims he called when she was mad at me and she pursued calling him back. It escalated into an EA over their cell phones. All this is in my first post "Affair or Not" Here is where I would like some feedback, what kind of a person would do this to the man she claims to love? Revenge.........I told her she was evil. Can I get your opinions please Thanks
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 An immature person does that, a selfish person and someone who doesn't think ahead, let alone worry about consquences. Two wrongs don't make a right, no matter what. What she's done is low, and she should be sorry! Let alone be ashamed of herself. To purposely hurt someone, is just plain cruel.
Sleeplesstoo Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Plano, It has been said that women keep score and they never forget and I believe that. I know I don't easily forget myself. Having said that I think some women are extremely vindictive, they have to even the score so to speak and maybe that is what she is doing. I think the more likely thing is that if she can somehow blame you, then she can justify what she is doing (and she knows it is wrong)in her own mind, because she thinks you deserve it. Not saying you do, but maybe she is trumping up things in her mind to give herself an excuse for her bad behavior.
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 What a little princess she is... Your wife has a lot of growing up to do, before she can sustain a mature relationship. In many ways, it's an excuse to indulge due to something broken inside of them. Btw, this ex is something else too. Anyone who would allow themselves to be involved with someone previously committed, has also got something broken inside them too.
norajane Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 She certainly has bad conflict resolution skills! She adds to her problems by getting involved with other men rather than dealing with the problems head-on. And it's a sign of low self-esteem - she looks to get external validation from other men when she's feeling low in her marriage. And, yes, I agree that's totally immature. Children pull crap like that, not even realizing they will only make things far worse for themselves through their so-called revenge.
Author Planofool Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 She certainly has bad conflict resolution skills! She adds to her problems by getting involved with other men rather than dealing with the problems head-on. Her ex husband screwed around on her the whole time they were together from dating and through out their marriage. She claims he was the first man in her life to love her. Her dad left when she was 3. And it's a sign of low self-esteem - she looks to get external validation from other men when she's feeling low in her marriage. She has brought up low self - esteem quite alot in our conversations. I have brought up the fact that she would rather have a conversation with men for an audience than women. I need to see if it coincides with a tough time in our relationship. And, yes, I agree that's totally immature. Children pull crap like that, not even realizing they will only make things far worse for themselves through their so-called revenge. You guys keep bringing up Immature. How can a 50 yr old woman with three kids be immature? Your wife has a lot of growing up to do, before she can sustain a mature relationship. In many ways, it's an excuse to indulge due to something broken inside of them. I don't know if I can wait for her to grow up, as I said she is 50. She has always claimed she is damaged goods. This is exactly what I was hoping to get out of this thread. There are some very smart people on here and I would like to get all the info I can. I still say revenge is EVIL.
Woggle Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Why is she still your wife. Seriously why do men put up with this crap? What did you do that was so wrong for her to be justified in doing this?
Owl Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Couple of thoughts. First off...what was she 'punishing' you for? Were YOU cheating in some fashion? (Its a valid question, given her 'first' reason for this kind of 'revenge') Secondly...this doesn't sound like revenge to me...it sounds like intent. With a large dollop of justification and rationalization thrown in for good measure. The "immature" concept comes up because revenge in the manner she's using it IS immature. She's trying to "pay you back"...that's what little kids do. ADULTS address the issues at hand...which is clearly sounds like she's not doing. Instead of fixing the problem, she's focusing on hurting those that hurt her. How mature does that sound to you?
Author Planofool Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 I see my old girlfriend from high school every five yrs at our reunion. My wife and my old girl friend were all in the same graduating class. My wife claims that at every class reunion my old gf is always trying to get me back. She has called me three times in 30 yrs. Twice was about the class reunion golf scramble that I run and once was when she was in town and a friend called and put her on the phone. My wife was told by me every time she called. Then this year I made the fatal error of dancing one time with a lady at a party for one of our classmates. This lady was a known whore according to my wife. So as she tells it I had raised the bar and she was going to raise it higher. She said she knew someone would come along so she could use them to get back at me. Here is the real jewel of all of this. Since DDay my wife had a surprise 50th B-Day party for me and invited my old girlfriends parents and they came.
Author Planofool Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 She has her issues but don't we all?
Woggle Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 She has her issues but don't we all? Yeah but her issues seem like too much to live with.
Author Planofool Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 At times they are. The men in my family are very easy going and we probably put up with more than we should in life. This has been brought to my attention by my wife. She claimed I would be the next man to leave her life. This may have had a reverse affect on me...... The other thing is our children. I know people say don't stay for the kids but things aren't that bad so why not stay and try and work things out?
Woggle Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 If you do decide to work things out you need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself.
Author Planofool Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 You got it. My wife said I was more fiesty than I used to be. I told her I wasn't going to take any crap from her any more. Gone are the days of getting brow beat by her. Even my Mother in-law said her side of the family noticed that my wife pushes me around alot, well that has changed. Thank you for being so open and honest with me. Sometimes you can't see the forrest for the trees.........? Again I will say how great this is for me to hear from other people.
bish Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 At times they are. The men in my family are very easy going and we probably put up with more than we should in life. This has been brought to my attention by my wife. She claimed I would be the next man to leave her life. As well you should. This may have had a reverse affect on me...... The other thing is our children. I know people say don't stay for the kids but things aren't that bad so why not stay and try and work things out? What is to work out? She wants to cheat. She is looking for excuses to do so. This has been her way of life. And now she is 50...she is all of a sudden going to want to stop looking for ways to cheat and calling it punishment? Don't think so. Sorry, doesn't sound like there is anything to work out here except which lawyer you should get.
norajane Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 At times they are. The men in my family are very easy going and we probably put up with more than we should in life. This has been brought to my attention by my wife. She claimed I would be the next man to leave her life. This may have had a reverse affect on me...... The other thing is our children. I know people say don't stay for the kids but things aren't that bad so why not stay and try and work things out? Because those children are watching your relationship dynamics, are watching her behavior and yours and are learning that's how relationships work. If all they see is you being pushed around, what do you think is going to happen when they get into relationships? They aren't going to know what healthy behavior is actually like.
silktricks Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 not saying that revenge isn't an immature way to deal with grown up issues, because it is. But it's also very normal. I've written often about my belief that anger and/or revenge is almost always at the root of extramarital affairs - whether those affairs are PA or EA is moot. So what kind of person takes revenge? A normal person. So it may be that she is immature in some respects - who of us isn't? And it may be that she has poor coping mechanisms for some things - who of us doesn't? Since neither of you can go back in time and undo past actions, a better question for the here and now is how is she handling the fall-out? Is she remorseful? Does she take responsibility for her actions? Does she recognize that what she did is wrong - regardless of whether or not what you did was wrong.
abeliever Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this too. Yes, I too have been a victim of "paying back" for my dirt that my H seems to think I have done to him. I just learned of these reasons on my bday Dec 21st! We woke up he looked at me as we was getting ready for work and watched the Today show ate breakfast then went to work. Not a happy birthday, kiss my a$$ nothing!!! I love my bday always have. He on the other hand does not and last year I said I was going to get a few friends to celebrate his. He got furious and said he didn't want me to mention his bday, don't sing to him as I always did, etc. So I honored his wishes thinking he maybe having a hard time turning 39last year. So back to my bday at 10:30a he comes into my office and said I guess happy bday! I had tears, shouldn't matter we are divorcing anyway but it did hurt. Why do I care anyway, but the tears came and my birthday was ruined once again. Any holiday I was happy and having fun he would ruin it on purpose. I will not miss that trust me. Before I turned in for bed that bday evening he said it was to "pay me back" for not making his special! I said do you remember telling me and I went into the story of what he said. He said I only said that, but didn't mean it and it hurt his feelings because I did not say anything. He said yeah I wanted you to though! So how was I to know this??? So he paid me back!! It is just one more thing to let me know I am doing the right thing ending this M. Who and what type of person is cruel on purpose?? And I said this to him, he said all the A's was to pay me back for doing things with my friends and going on cruises and he worked. Any fun basically I had when he was invited to all of these things and he refused to go, (would rather work) was to simply pay me back for having fun when I should have been at home with him! So, yes I do know what your going thru. But do I understand it??? No way! I would never in a million years do these things and wonder who the heck I am married to? Because the man I married is not this man who he is today! It is not a man I would look for in the future, next time if there is one I will be very careful and my eyes wide open to not make this mistake again. abeliever
Author Planofool Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 silktricksWell..... not saying that revenge isn't an immature way to deal with grown up issues, because it is. But it's also very normal. I've written often about my belief that anger and/or revenge is almost always at the root of extramarital affairs - whether those affairs are PA or EA is moot. So what kind of person takes revenge? A normal person. So it may be that she is immature in some respects - who of us isn't? And it may be that she has poor coping mechanisms for some things - who of us doesn't? Since neither of you can go back in time and undo past actions, a better question for the here and now is how is she handling the fall-out? Is she remorseful? Does she take responsibility for her actions? Does she recognize that what she did is wrong - regardless of whether or not what you did was wrong. Today 12:29 PM I'm not sure she is remorseful because I don't think I have a good understanding of what it is. And I say that due to things I have read on here. She has taken responsibilty in discussion only and then taken it back in other discussions. At one point I thought she had finally grasped what she had done, the next time we talked about it, it was as if we started from scratch. She does realize what she did was wrong. She also has said she didn't think I would react the way I did. I read in another post yesterday...."It's nonsense that they don't realize how much damage it would cause until it happens. What people mean when they say that, is "I didn't realize you would care this much if you found out". In these cases when people commit affairs out of spite and anger for attention, they thought their partners would be indifferent. Or at least cause this much pain". I think that hit the nail on the head. Because those children are watching your relationship dynamics, are watching her behavior and yours and are learning that's how relationships work. If all they see is you being pushed around, what do you think is going to happen when they get into relationships? They aren't going to know what healthy behavior is actually like. Great point. My son is 20, does this only apply to him or the two girls,15 and 10 also?
norajane Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 (edited) Great point. My son is 20, does this only apply to him or the two girls,15 and 10 also? It applies to all of them. Your kids grew up in that house and watched day after day the dynamics between you and your wife. It's probably mostly too late for the 20 year old - the pattern has been imprinted and it's now up to him to one day recognize that it's not a good one and to try and change things for himself. I almost married a guy who was the son of a minister. His father was a good man; however, he was always out ministering to the congregation. His mother ran the household, and she was a strong woman, while his father tended to leave decisions and everything else in her hands because of his responsibilities. My ex-fiancee grew up to be contemptuous of his father to some degree - felt that he was a wimp and his mother walked all over him, and he didn't want to be anything like his dad. YET, what happened? He fell in love with and would have married a woman who was much stronger than he was, and would have perpetuated that cycle had I not broken off our engagement. Your son might not want to end up in a relationship like the one you have with his mother, but he will somehow be drawn into one even if it doesn't seem like it from the start. Edited December 27, 2007 by norajane
Author Planofool Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 I worked on a mans house one time and he verbally abused me every day about the work I was doing for him. One day I got so mad I told him the way he wanted to do it would not work and I told him to let me do what he hired me for. He said well, you're the carpenter you ought to know. He never bothered me after that day and it was obvious he respected me more. Perhaps my R has followed that same path.
silktricks Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I'm not sure she is remorseful because I don't think I have a good understanding of what it is. And I say that due to things I have read on here. She has taken responsibilty in discussion only and then taken it back in other discussions. At one point I thought she had finally grasped what she had done, the next time we talked about it, it was as if we started from scratch. She does realize what she did was wrong. But does she realize and take responsibility for those actions, or is she still in the "if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have done that" mode. If she is, she needs to move out of that into the "no matter what you did, I shouldn't have done that. I should have dealt with the situation differently" mode. Also, from what I read on this thread, it sounds like she had talked to you about an issue that she was having about a former g-friend of yours. Now, I'm NOT saying that this gave her any excuse, but what YOU need to realize is that you were also somewhat out of line. It doesn't matter that you felt she was nuts about being jealous of your old g-friend, or that you felt there was nothing to be jealous about. If someone is jealous, they are jealous, and frankly, to be told that the emotion is crazy only makes it worse. (Now, I'm telling you this because her issue with you was VERY close to one of my H's issues with me... so I'm speaking from experience.) She also has said she didn't think I would react the way I did. I read in another post yesterday...."It's nonsense that they don't realize how much damage it would cause until it happens. What people mean when they say that, is "I didn't realize you would care this much if you found out". In these cases when people commit affairs out of spite and anger for attention, they thought their partners would be indifferent. Or at least cause this much pain". I think that hit the nail on the head. I both agree and disagree with this. Let's face it, the whole idea of revenge is based on the idea that they know d*mn well their partner is going to experience pain. I do, however, agree that they blind themselves to the AMOUNT of pain their partner will go through. What they are after is a slap in the face. Kind of a "I'm hurting, pay attention to me" slap. What ends up happening, though, is that they create so MUCH pain, that their hurt usually gets consumed by their partner's pain. This is not good, because their pain must be addressed at some point as well. Otherwise, the chance of the marriage lasting is diminished.
Author Planofool Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Silktricks, I agree with what you are saying but I honestly don't know what I could have done different in the case of my old GF. My wife has said this before that I should have ignored her or said I did not need to talk to her. To me what she was asking for was me to be rude and brush her off. She does not nor never will mean anything to me and I have finally convinced my wife of this. She is not a threat to our relationship. I understand that my wife thought she was. But now factor in the fact that my wife has stayed in contact with a man she dated for 28 yrs now. 26 of those yrs has been spent with me. And not to mention that all these yrs she has passed it off as talking to her cousin about family and his problems. I'm not going into it now but the man she got caught with in her first marriage is still lurking around. So in my mind my old gf is old news.
silktricks Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I beg your pardon. I totally misunderstood and thought that her old boyfriend had come back into the picture at a fairly recent juncture - after her complaint about your old gf. That casts a hugely different light. So sorry. And I would agree that your old gf was old news anyway. I wish you all the best.
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