Crestfallen_KH Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Ok, I'll try to make this short! My divorce was finalized just over a week ago, and I met a cool guy and we ended up becoming intimate. It wasn't in my plan, but we're both in the same place (not ready for an LTR as we're both getting over being cheated on). I made it clear (in a nice way, of course) that I wasn't really looking at him as a boyfriend, and he seemed cool with that. We have both talked about our exes in detail and those relationships are constantly brought up. We decided to just hang out for now to "see where this goes"; however, he has made some comments that have me confused. For instance, I have a profile on match.com and I am basically ignoring it. But, I got a funny e-mail from one guy and forwarded it to him thinking he'd laugh too. Well, he kept saying over and over that it "didn't bother him" but he also said "Well, if you're forwarding me your match.com messages, it's pretty clear how you see me." Also, when we got together, I joked about him being number 62 in my "long list of lovers" (um, I've had four, including him which he now knows). Well, he keeps bringing it up "as a joke," which is starting to get old. Finally, when I say what I AM looking for in a LTR, he often promotes how he "fits" that characteristic, often vigorously. So, now I'm wondering. Is this his ego talking, or does he possibly see me as something more? I have been wondering if it hurt his feelings that I basically relegated him to a FWB without even giving us a chance at a relationship, but we both agree neither of us is ready for one. We have had "the talk" about our arrangement, and even both agreed to be monomagous while together. We have also agreed that the other is free to date anyone else, but neither of us is even trying, since we aren't ready. We have both stated that we will tell the other if we start to develop feelings and also both agree that the "benefits" part of the relationship should instantly end if that occurs. I know it would be hard to judge from the little information I've given, but I've never been in this kind of relationship before and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or myself, though I understand that it's almost a given that happens in these kinds of relationships. I didn't intend for it to happen, but we are both enjoying it very much and I guess I'm not too keen on ending it, particularly since we enjoy one another's company outside of the bedroom too, but should I consider doing that? Should I ask him how he really feels? Thanks for any advice.
Legend Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Finally, when I say what I AM looking for in a LTR, he often promotes how he "fits" that characteristic, often vigorously. He wants to be in a relationship with you. Show him you're interested too. The vibe I get is you want more now. So you need to be honest since you've both agreed to it, and tell him your feelings. I think he wants more too and is just letting you move at your own pace. Best of luck, keep us updated!
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Yeah, I just reread my post and it's kind of funny. We're not seeing anyone else (and not trying to), we're monomagous, we're intimate, we spend time together doing other things and also enjoy each other's company and, we haven't gone a day without talking to one another in some form or another. Um, that's not really a FWB - that's an actual relationship, isn't it?? How in the heck did this happen? Ugh. I should tell him what this is and see what he says. I'm really NOT ready to be in a relationship but evidently it's worked out that way. Ugh.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 I feel kind of stupid now. The signs are all there. If he can't respond to a message or e-mail right away, he later explains when he does respond why he didn't get back to me right away. He lets me know his schedule and what he's doing (and when he will be unavailable). If he can't talk to me until the evening, he'll call to say why he can't talk now and that he'll call me later (and he does). He's asked me what I've told my friends about him. When I asked what he's told his friends about me, he says "Not much - not yet, anyway." *just got hit with the clue hammer* I guess my problem is that I don't know how I feel. I really don't WANT a new relationship or to hurt anyone else. Maybe I should just end it. It would probably be selfish to keep this going.
Legend Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Ah give it a shot, what do you have to lose........
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Crestfallen, you're recently or soon to be divorced. This is a very vulnerable time where your radar for jerks isn't working very well. Also, there's a part of you that misses being in an emotionally intimate relationship. I would seriously rethink any thoughts of getting involved with anyone, for at least another six months. You need to get your head, heart and soul in one place, before you're ready for something new. If you get together with the wrong person, it can set you back a long way. I'm speaking from personal experience.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 (edited) TBF, I know. I've basically been repeating EXACTLY what you are saying to those friends how have told me I should try "getting back out there." Well, why did I sign up for match.com then, you might ask? I guess I don't have an answer for that. I thought it was just for an ego boost, but I've completely ignored any winks and e-mails I've gotten so obviously I at least knew subconsciously I wasn't ready. Like you, I don't really dig - and have never done - a FWB arrangement. But, it's obvious that isn't really what I have. And semantics don't really matter anyway. I really was just looking for a nice guy friend to go to dinner and movies with, but when I spent some time with him, it was hard to resist getting physical. I know my self-esteem took a hit during the divorce. My ex not only cheated on me, but moved in with her. I have done so well in my healing (my therapist is pretty surprised I'm as far as I am) that I thought I could handle this, but maybe I can't. I've been upfront with him and there are some things about him I don't like, but they aren't things like "beats me regularly" - they're more innocuous. Well, he's also an attorney, so there's that negative too. But I know, my ability to judge what's best for me isn't as keen as it should be. I just don't know what to do. Edited December 27, 2007 by Crestfallen_KH spelling
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Just take it slowly, Crestfallen. Take your time to get to know him better before getting into anything remotely resembling a relationship. Also, don't obsess but review all those innocuous little irritations at the same time. You might see a pattern in them that gives you a better understanding of the bigger picture of who he is. For example, do they all add up to respect issues? Things to consider.
Tony6 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Crestfallen...well, just your name "Crestfallen" says a lot about where you are - You have been very deeply hurt. Therefore, TAKE IT SLOWLY!!! It may turn out that this "cool guy" with some "inoccuous" annoyances is the right one for you. Time will tell. Tell him you want to go VERY slowly. Get to know him fully before making a hasty "rebound" decision. Frankly, he needs to do the same with you as he has been very deeply hurt, too. If he's not good with that, then I'd suggest he may not be the one. Don't let him push you into a LTR that perhaps you'll both regret. And do not talk yourself into something your heart doesn't completely feel. All the best!
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 Thanks for the advice, guys. I think those are cogent, logical suggestions that you have provided and I'm following through with them. Right now we seem to be in the same place, but I know there is the desire to "get what we had back" and we're both aware of it. I'm pretty sure I CAN'T get that with this guy - I think I'm more attracted to the distraction of it and closeness and excitement that comes with a new relationship. I've been very, very, dreadfully honest about where I am at, and he's still here, so I'll give him credit for that. I don't think he's quite in the same place as I am, but he's being very patient and understanding that I am keeping him at arm's length (and in many ways, he's doing the same thing which I understand and even sort of appreciate). I've discussed this relationship with my therapist as well, and she had some good suggestions to help me navigate this, which I will be sure to implement as well. I think he's just a "safe" bet for me right now because I really don't see me falling for him for several reasons. I just don't want to hurt him, but I've been nothing but honest and open about where I am and he's certainly got the right to walk away at any time and I wouldn't blame him. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to provide advice, all.
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