angry w/ bf over plans he made

[allina]

So my bf is on the East Coast for Christmas, he comes back on the 28th. Everything is going very well and we're excited about seeing each other after a week apart. We're planning a romantic night out once he returns and he's excited because he says he found an 'after Christmas gift' for me that he says is just perfect.

 

Last night when we were talking he says that his brother is flying in with him on the 28th. I was surprised to hear it but it makes sense, his brother has close friends here and will be spending NYE with a large group of us.

 

However, now it turns out that hos brother is staying with us for 5 days, this I am absolutely PISSED about. I love my bf's brother and he's always welcome at our house but 5 days is a lot, my bf didn't ask me/tell me about this in advance and he knows that I HATE having house guests (I've even complained about it several times on here)

 

I have a tendency to not think before I speak so I tried to not get too angry and the conversation went pretty well. At 4am I woke up raging mad, called bf and left him a voice mail explaining that I was really angry and that this was thoughtless and unfair to me, I wasn't being mean or yelling, I just had to get it off my chest.

 

It's now close to 2:30 my time and I haven't talked to my bf since last night. I'm not sure if that's because he's angry about my reaction or if he's busy with his family which often happens when he's back home.

 

Am I in the wrong here? I feel like I have the right to be angry. We live in a small 2 bdr apartment and he knows how much I hate having people stay here, no matter how much I like the person. What am I supposed to say about this when we do talk?

[johan]

Fill in the blanks: A ___'s home is ___ castle.

[bish]

Do you have a right to be angry? In my opinion .....no.

Why? Because I get that you really haven't discussed this with him yet....all you did was call and leave him a voicemail at 4am...4am???

 

Rather than talk to him about this...he is probably thinking you are psycho for trying to call him at 4am about it.

 

You have a right to be a little annoyed at this, but since you haven't talked to him about it...but rather left him a VM at 4am..makes it look like you were probably pacing the floor at the wee hours of the morning obsessing over this.

 

So when he said something about his brother coming...you didn't say anything to him?

 

I'd say you are out of line here....if you talk to him about it and he could care less about your feelings...THEN I'd say you have a right to be angry.

[Star Gazer]

Fill in the blanks: A ___'s home is ___ castle.

 

That goes both ways, J.

 

Allina - I'd be pissed too, only because I was told and not consulted.

 

Before furthering the argument, would your BF's bro have anywhere else to stay while he's here?

[allina]

Fill in the blanks: A ___'s home is ___ castle.

 

Allina's home IS Allina's castle! However I'm lucky enough to share my castle with a wonderful man, I just think that when OUR castle is turned in to a freakin hotel I should have a say in it!

[johan]

Nope.

 

A brother's home is a brother's castle. Dig it.

 

FYI, I'd be annoyed, too.

[allina]

That goes both ways, J.

 

Allina - I'd be pissed too, only because I was told and not consulted.

 

Before furthering the argument, would your BF's bro have anywhere else to stay while he's here?

 

Exactly! I wouldn't be thrilled about having someone stay here but I'd welcome his brother here either way. Then he tries to say that he told me about this previously! Right, like I'd forget that we're having house guests over AGAIN. His brother does have other places around here to stay, several good friends and his gf will be in the area (he's parents live in Tan's city and she's there till after new years) I don't want to tell him brother he can't stay here, it's his brother and they don't see each other that often I just think it's unfair to me.

 

Then on the other hand my bf is so damn sweet and amazing to me that I feel like I could have let this go. Now I think he may be upset with me

[johan]

Here's what you do:

 

1) Decide that you're ok with this, because the big picture is more important.

2) Tell your boyfriend, calmly, in private, that next time this happens you'll put his balls in a vice. Say it in a funny way, but make sure he knows you're only half kidding.

3) Endure the 5 days, because you already said you would.

4) Don't think about it anymore.

[Star Gazer]

Then on the other hand my bf is so damn sweet and amazing to me that I feel like I could have let this go. Now I think he may be upset with me

 

That's what I was thinking. If he was typically thoughtless, I'd say GIVE 'EM HELL, A! Butttttt....he's not. He's all to you, and you're all right back, so why not just let this one slide.....

[Star Gazer]

Here's what you do:

 

1) Decide that you're ok with this, because the big picture is more important.

2) Tell your boyfriend, calmly, in private, that next time this happens you'll put his balls in a vice. Say it in a funny way, but make sure he knows you're only half kidding.

3) Endure the 5 days, because you already said you would.

4) Don't think about it anymore.

 

Mmmhmm. Gotta agree.

[allina]

Here's what you do:

 

1) Decide that you're ok with this, because the big picture is more important.

2) Tell your boyfriend, calmly, in private, that next time this happens you'll put his balls in a vice. Say it in a funny way, but make sure he knows you're only half kidding.

3) Endure the 5 days, because you already said you would.

4) Don't think about it anymore.

 

I'll go with all of the above, I guess

 

That's what I was thinking. If he was typically thoughtless, I'd say GIVE 'EM HELL, A! Butttttt....he's not. He's all to you, and you're all right back, so why not just let this one slide.....

 

I guess so, but at the same time he hasn't called me yet today, and I think it's over this issue. I left him a voice mail an hour ago. Now I'm getting angry all over again that he's blowing me off I'm confused and just trying to keep myself from getting really angry. Then, on the other hand he isn't the type to not call because he's angry/annoyed so I don't know. I'm sort of upset.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i don't have much advice, only because i think the best has already been given.

 

i just wanted to let you know you're not the only one who hates houseguests. i don't care how much space we have, i don't like having people here unless there are specifically set 'come and go' times, and even then, i usually dread it.....(oh, and if i've at least been consulted first--you were informed rather than asked. that's what would make me mad, especially considering that the feelings about houseguests are no secret.)

 

i would rather visit other people, because then i can decide how long the visit goes, and i am not one to wear out my welcome.

 

we've come a long way from "well, it's nice of you to offer, but i hate to impose." people certainly don't seem to mind imposing anymore. instead, it's now 'rude' to want your life back when someone is invading it.

[allina]

i don't have much advice, only because i think the best has already been given.

 

i just wanted to let you know you're not the only one who hates houseguests. i don't care how much space we have, i don't like having people here unless there are specifically set 'come and go' times, and even then, i usually dread it.....(oh, and if i've at least been consulted first--you were informed rather than asked. that's what would make me mad, especially considering that the feelings about houseguests are no secret.)

 

i would rather visit other people, because then i can decide how long the visit goes, and i am not one to wear out my welcome.

 

we've come a long way from "well, it's nice of you to offer, but i hate to impose." people certainly don't seem to mind imposing anymore. instead, it's now 'rude' to want your life back when someone is invading it.

 

I can't explain why I just hate it! I enjoy having friends over for a dinner party or something but to stay here for days?! I can't stand it.

 

I think it's possible that my bf's brother dropped this on my bf last night and that before hand bf wasn't sure where his brother would be staying. Now I'm growing more and more irritated because bf was supposed to call me earlier today (knows I have afternoon plans and said he'd call before) and hasn't. So now because he did something inconsiderate to me he thinks I'm wrong for sticking up for myself and is ignoring me!? That's bullsh*t

[stupidstupidgirl]

Hi,

 

i think it depends on whether your bf lets you down like this often. I think if this is a one off mistake he has made, then relax a bit, its probably nothing to do with him not thinking of your feelings too much, perhaps his brother begged him to let him stay?

 

However, if your bf regularly does this, i completely understand. My bf does this sort of thingall the time, romantic evenings planned and he brings a mate along, he turns up 3 hours late when i have planned to make him a special dinner etc. I can deal with the one off thing, but it is when it builds up that it is a problem. I try to express calmly how i feel, but if he has done a similar thing repeatedly for the last week, i feel MAD!

 

I dont think some guys realise how much it does for our confidence when they something like this. Its so much to do with HOW they go about it all. f he had called you and said 'im lookinforward to seeing you so so much, i love you, but i have the problem of my brother wanting to stay' then you would be far more understanding of him, as he has instantly thought of YOU in the situation.

 

It often does not matter what they do, its how much they express that they understand how it would effect you that matters.

 

hope that helps x

[allina]

Hi,

 

i think it depends on whether your bf lets you down like this often. I think if this is a one off mistake he has made, then relax a bit, its probably nothing to do with him not thinking of your feelings too much, perhaps his brother begged him to let him stay?

 

However, if your bf regularly does this, i completely understand. My bf does this sort of thingall the time, romantic evenings planned and he brings a mate along, he turns up 3 hours late when i have planned to make him a special dinner etc. I can deal with the one off thing, but it is when it builds up that it is a problem. I try to express calmly how i feel, but if he has done a similar thing repeatedly for the last week, i feel MAD!

 

I dont think some guys realise how much it does for our confidence when they something like this. Its so much to do with HOW they go about it all. f he had called you and said 'im lookinforward to seeing you so so much, i love you, but i have the problem of my brother wanting to stay' then you would be far more understanding of him, as he has instantly thought of YOU in the situation.

 

It often does not matter what they do, its how much they express that they understand how it would effect you that matters.

 

hope that helps x

 

Hi, thanks for your response. I have to admit that my bf is amazing to me and treats me very well, he'd never be 3 hours late or cancel on me.

 

Today, as time went on I started getting very upset because I thought that maybe he was mad at me for being annoyed at this, something I felt like he had no right to do. Turns out he wasn't mad, just busy with his family. He left me the sweetest vm earlier today, we talked and everything is fine. However he swears that he asked me about this in advance a few months ago and that I said no problem, he says he should have reminded me but that he did ask.

 

I think I'm going to have to let this one go, as much as I hate having people stay here (have I said this enough times? )

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I can't explain why I just hate it!

 

i know, me too. we must be a rare breed.

[blind_otter]

I like having guests but my SO hates it. I had friends over on Christmas eve and he actually walked up to one of my friends and said, "Sarah, it's time to leave. Go home." She laughed it off but I was shocked at how rude he was.

 

Anyways, on topic, your BF is usually really nice and attentive. I'd let this one slide.

 

Also, I think he may be avoiding talking to you because he knows that you're angry. I avoid my SO when he's acting pissy because I know we both might end up saying mean things to each other that we don't mean. Maybe if you call him when you're NOT angry it would be more beneficial? I dunno.

[Saxis]

First of all, I completely agree with you, but only on one condition: Are you absolutely sure that during that first call, he didn't say something like, "My brother is staying with us, is that OK?". I mean... he couldn't have said "My brother is staying with us, and that's final!". Or did he?? Because half agreeing and not voicing your opinion right then, and calling him at FOUR IN THE MORNING to make a stand is also bullsh*t. He's probably waiting till the middle of the night to get back to you....

 

I think Johan's approach is the best way to handle this... proceed with caution!

[allina]

I like having guests but my SO hates it. I had friends over on Christmas eve and he actually walked up to one of my friends and said, "Sarah, it's time to leave. Go home." She laughed it off but I was shocked at how rude he was.

 

Anyways, on topic, your BF is usually really nice and attentive. I'd let this one slide.

 

Also, I think he may be avoiding talking to you because he knows that you're angry. I avoid my SO when he's acting pissy because I know we both might end up saying mean things to each other that we don't mean. Maybe if you call him when you're NOT angry it would be more beneficial? I dunno.

 

Were you mad at your SO for doing that? I'd be mad if someone was rude to my friends or guests

 

I KNOW my bf didn't want to talk to me when I was mad. It's true that he was very busy with his family but he could have called for a second like usually, he just decided he'd do it later because he thought I might want to talk about this more and he didn't want to do that in front of his family.

 

We talked this morning and everything is great. His brother and his gf are staying somewhere else for one night, it works out better that way and I didn't have to look unwelcoming

 

My bf was still sure that he told me. So I tell him that it's not a big deal but that I am sure that if he said to me "Allina, my brother and maybe his gf will be staying at our house for 5 days in December" I would have remembered. He says he told me that his brother is coming out here for New Years and that we're all hanging out together on NYE, ok this I remember but that's not really the same thing is it now? :laugh:

[blind_otter]

You're so good natured and sunny, allina. You must be a joy to be in a relationship with.

 

I was mad at my SO but we talked about it and ended up joking about his rude ways.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Am I in the wrong here?

 

Yes.

 

As a wife/partner you have to trust 100% and without reserve all the decisions he makes.

 

If he wants, he can consult you, but if he doesn't you have to support him 100%.

 

If he says, I invited Aunt Cecile home for a month, you have to say, that's wonderful honey, I'm sure we are going to have a wonderful time.

 

Ariadne

[Lishy]

Hi,

 

Am I in the wrong here?

 

Yes.

 

As a wife/partner you have to trust 100% and without reserve all the decisions he makes.

 

If he wants, he can consult you, but if he doesn't you have to support him 100%.

 

If he says, I invited Aunt Cecile home for a month, you have to say, that's wonderful honey, I'm sure we are going to have a wonderful time.

 

Ariadne

 

 

I agree!

 

And then after that you have to lay on the floor and allow him to wipe his feet on you on his way out!

 

Thats how you achieve relationship heaven!:laugh:

[Star Gazer]

I'm glad it all worked out, A.

[Ariadne]

I agree!

 

And then after that you have to lay on the floor and allow him to wipe his feet on you on his way out!

 

Thats how you achieve relationship heaven!:laugh:

 

Exactly.

 

If he doesn't trust his decisions and goes against him.

 

Why is she with him in the first place?

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

We talked this morning and everything is great. His brother and his gf are staying somewhere else for one night

 

Oh, I see.

 

Ok..