Grain Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 I'm just here to pour my broken hearth in this letter... and it's all my own doing. I've been with my girlfriend for over 6 years now, we started dating when we were both 16 years old and because of that we've grown together and changed together during the years. I have a job, she's in her last year and we were happy... for a while. I am the worst boyfriend a person could ever imagine (are you still boyfriend-girlfriend after 6 years??). Two years ago my girlfriend discovered I regularly watched porn on the internet. We never talked about before but she felt disgusted and I realized what it meant to her and begged for another chance. We loved each other a lot and it was an obstacle we got through. We were happy until she saw I did it again. I then could see that the porn thing was a serious issue and forgave me again as I promised to never do it again... and I believed myself saying it, I really did. Then a third time came and yes even a forth... as I said before I am the worst person in the world for doing this to her. Watching that porn had nothing to do with her, It didn't make any false expectations in our sex-life it was just a "relax" thing for me. But i kept doing it while knowing what it meant to her... for that I just can't forgive myself. I have broken her trust and her hearth and i've looked on the web for advise on dealing with break-ups but all of it doesn't relate to what we had. She was the sort of women I knew I would marry, I knew I would have kids with, I knew I would grow old with. I just felt it, like you can feel that the water is wet... I just can't give her up, it's like my hearth is refusing to let go. I want to look for help for myself as she has nothing to blame. A psychologist to get me off this porn "addiction". I just want her to feel save with me... but I know that it's too late for all of that, it's just.... my hearth can't stop feeling her and I just can't stop crying... I'm sorry... I've just lost that one special person i will regret loosing for the rest of my life.
michaelk Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 I don't think you did anything wrong by watching porn. What you did that was wrong was to watch the porn behind her back after promising not to. Apparently the porn is an important part of your life, and not something easily given up. I understand this. Many many guys here understand it, too. Your promise to your gf was a promise to subvert your natural sexual impulses. This is a very hard thing to do. I'm not surprised you found it difficult. I wouldn't even attempt it, myself. Perhaps if you had been open and explained to her that you weren't replacing her with sexual imagery, you could have come to an understanding that would have worked for both of you. But now you have the burden of going behind her back to deal with, and that's a heavy one.
Author Grain Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 You're absolutely right. I have explained to her that it had nothing to do with her or any shortcomings, because there were none. But she just didn't want me to do anything of the kind... so, I promised her I wouldn't.... but after a while I got drawn to it again.I just don't know what to do... I can't expect her to ever trust me again.
michaelk Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 But she just didn't want me to do anything of the kind... I don't think it's healthy when one partner decides they have to change the other. She has the right, of course, to not be with someone who enjoys porn. But that's not your choice, it's hers. For whatever reason, she finds it so unacceptable that she either needs to change you or not be with you. If she's unable to change her mind, and you're unable to change your behavior, then was this really the right relationship for you two in the first place?
Author Grain Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 but what if i want to change? I really would like to and she never has ever tried to change me... she loved me the way I was except for that one stupid part of me...
michaelk Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 ... she loved me the way I was except for that one stupid part of me... You cannot say you love someone 'the way they are' and then start listing exceptions. She loved you - just not all of you. And apparently she's got you to join her in not completely loving you, too! If you want to change because you see it as a way to make yourself a better, happier person, then go for it. But if you're doing it because anyone else doesn't approve of you, you're wasting your time and selling yourself short.
Author Grain Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Everyone has parts that you yourself doesn't like. I don't like that part of me and want to change that in hopes of staying with her and stop hurting her. I help myself and her at the same time.... god, i just want to make her happy and not be the cause of her unhappiness...
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