Author shadowofman Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Not just homosexual, but promiscuous urges. She just can't relate. And it upsets her because she is extremely possessive and jealous. Appearantly I am all she needs, and I can't relate.
OWoman Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Not just homosexual, but promiscuous urges. She just can't relate. And it upsets her because she is extremely possessive and jealous. Appearantly I am all she needs, and I can't relate. Shado, if your sexualities are that incompatible, I don't see it working. You need to find someone who can accept your sexuality and sexual needs, and someone whose sexuality and needs you are comfortable with. Otherwise that will be a continual source of stress and tension in the R.
Author shadowofman Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 I agree it is a continual source of stress. I just can't stand the fact that sex (Something I love doing with my SO) is going to rip us apart. It makes me want to take anti-depressents for the sexual side effects.
OpenBook Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I agree it is a continual source of stress. I just can't stand the fact that sex (Something I love doing with my SO) is going to rip us apart. It makes me want to take anti-depressents for the sexual side effects. Whatever it takes to do the right thing, Shadow...
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I am curious as to why she hasn't left me already, knowing that I most likely will do one of the above. Because she doesn't think you will follow through with your urges. Its likely that she feels that your feelings for each other will outweigh your urges. I'm sure that if she did think you would do what you say, she probably would leave you. People in relationships tend to focus on the parts they want to see and turn a blind eye on the parts they don't. My guess is that the blind eye is turned toward your urges since you haven't indulged in them - perhaps she is in denial that you ever will.
bish Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 How much worse is the action compared to the intent? Doesn't matter...both would be equal to me. Wanting to cheat or actually cheating? Same as above. I mean how would you react if your SO told you that they wanted to sleep with someone else. I'd show them the door and tell them to never come back. I know many of you Christians concider it adultery even when it's in the heart. Yup
bish Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I also firmly believe that even AFTER we make the wrong choices, it's how we deal with it afterwards and "clean up the mess" that also indicates our character.. Not when it comes to cheating. A cheater is a cheater..doesn't matter what they do afterward. Cheating isn't some mistake or even a "wrong choice"....someone cheats because they wanted to.
bish Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I think you meant the 'consensus'... Anyway... I think that unless you've actually done the deed... it could not be considered done... If I feel like killing someone... (we all thought about that at one time) if I'm only 'thinking' about it.. it's not 'done'... Apples and oranges.....you don't REALLY want to kill someone, you wouldn't REALLY ever do it. I'd say I want to kill someone...nothing could be further from the truth. If someone says they'd consider cheating, you can believe it is a definite possibility.
Geishawhelk Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Not just homosexual, but promiscuous urges. She just can't relate. And it upsets her because she is extremely possessive and jealous. Appearantly I am all she needs, and I can't relate. I hate to get too deep here, but might this be a psychological indication of a deeper need or problem that is manifesting itself as a sexul urge? might there be another issue here...?
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Fidelity is one of the major tenets of marriage. Why are you married?
blind_otter Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I think there's something underlying this urge to be promiscuous with the same sex.
johan Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 How much worse is the action compared to the intent? Wanting to cheat or actually cheating? I mean how would you react if your SO told you that they wanted to sleep with someone else. I know many of you Christians concider it adultery even when it's in the heart. Actually doing it is worse. Here's how you know: 1) Thinking about it = having an imagination (i.e. being a human) 2) Wanting to do it = thinking about it + having desire (i.e. being a tempted human) 3) Doing it = wanting to do it + action. (i.e. being a human with no self control) Also I think the consensus is that "concensious" is not spelled that way.
Author shadowofman Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 I know, I know....I'll not likely live that down since it's in the title. It was late (I really have no excuse)! Actually doing it is worse. Here's how you know: 1) Thinking about it = having an imagination (i.e. being a human) 2) Wanting to do it = thinking about it + having desire (i.e. being a tempted human) 3) Doing it = wanting to do it + action. (i.e. being a human with no self control) Let me explain this in context of my perspective. If my SO was thinking about, I would agree that they are human. If they were wanting to do it, I would actually encourage them to do so. Much like encouraging them to take that art class they always wanted to or whatever. I would and do want my SO to do anything and everything that makes them happy. If what makes them happy is unacceptable to me, then I don't think I would want to be with that person, like bish has expressed. I hate to get too deep here, but might this be a psychological indication of a deeper need or problem that is manifesting itself as a sexul urge? might there be another issue here...? I really don't think so, but what do I know. Because she doesn't think you will follow through with your urges. She lives her life in total fear that I will cheat. What she doesn't accept is that I am much more likely to openly break our monogamous contract.
Geishawhelk Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Much like encouraging them to take that art class they always wanted to or whatever. I would and do want my SO to do anything and everything that makes them happy. If what makes them happy is unacceptable to me, then I don't think I would want to be with that person, like bish has expressed. Yes but hang on...taking an art class is one thing... doing what you're thinking about is a wholly different and massive issue... well, it obviously is for her.... I don't know whether this points to possessiveness, lack of self-esteem, insecurity or jealousy....but those issues don't usually arise if we're talking art classes.... She lives her life in total fear that I will cheat. What she doesn't accept is that I am much more likely to openly break our monogamous contract. And what a way to live her life....! And pray tell, why SHOULD she accept it, if in her mind it was never part of the deal? To you it's a desirable thing...to her it's frightening, destabilizing and threatening. If you're open to such things, I feel perhaps what you could both do with right now, is professional counselling. Not because of Right or Wrong. It's much bigger than that, and Right or wrong doesn't come into it. What is vital is the polarity of your two viewpoints. And somethings gotta give....
Author shadowofman Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 Yes but hang on...taking an art class is one thing... doing what you're thinking about is a wholly different and massive issue... well, it obviously is for her.... Yes, I know it's different for her. I was saying that it's not for me. If having sex or even dating someone else would make her happy, then I would want her to do it. If I was of a different mind, then I wouldn't be able to tolerate even the thought of it. Like bish. And what a way to live her life....! And pray tell, why SHOULD she accept it, if in her mind it was never part of the deal? To you it's a desirable thing...to her it's frightening, destabilizing and threatening. I'm not demanding her to accept anything accept to trust me when I tell her that I will not cheat. I have told her such. "I will not cheat behind your back, but in the future, I may not be able to live up to this monogamous relationship. I will let you know when it comes to this point." She still thinks I'll cheat.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I'm not trying to be snarky, but why does she stay with you? What are her pros of staying that outweigh the cons that she thinks that you will cheat?
Geishawhelk Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Yes, I know it's different for her. I was saying that it's not for me. If having sex or even dating someone else would make her happy, then I would want her to do it. Yes, but here we have the crux of the matter, don't we? You would dearly like her to accept what you want to do, because you wouldn't have a problem with her doing it. But there's the problem. Simply because you feel ok about it, there's no reason why she should therefore convert to your way of thinking. "I don't mind if he does it, because he doesn't mind if I did." It's not going to happen. She's not going to be unfaithful to you, either in your face or behind your back. And she doesn't want you to do it either.... I'm not demanding her to accept anything accept to trust me when I tell her that I will not cheat. I have told her such. "I will not cheat behind your back, but in the future, I may not be able to live up to this monogamous relationship. I will let you know when it comes to this point." She still thinks I'll cheat. And as I've said, in her face, or behind her back, you have just told her, 'brace yourself, because no matter how you feel about it, I will be unfaithful to you." And that, to her, is unacceptable. It's cheating, up-front, hidden, whichever way up. And THAT's where the crisis lies. That's what frightens her. You have as good as told her, someone else will lie in my bed with you or without you.
bish Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Fidelity is one of the major tenets of marriage. Why are you married? Exactly....why get married if someone isn't the type to keep it in their pants or keep their legs crossed to other people? I say if someone cheats in a marriage and gets divorced, the cheater should personally pay back all the money for the gifts to each of the people that attended their wedding.
Zolie Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I'm not demanding her to accept anything accept to trust me when I tell her that I will not cheat. I have told her such. "I will not cheat behind your back, but in the future, I may not be able to live up to this monogamous relationship. I will let you know when it comes to this point." She still thinks I'll cheat. Now see, THIS is why cheaters are borne. You try to be up front about your desires and feelings and thoughts and possible actions, and you are met with recriminations and fear and lack of understanding. Shadowofman, your thoughts about monogamy are not wrong - they are just different than your spouse's. Her ideal of marriage and monogamy are more restrictive than yours. For that matter, most people's ideal of marriage and monogamy are more restrictive than yours. Most of us can't handle the jealousies and fear that come with a non-monogamous partner. And even though I understand your views on monogamy, and I clearly see the reasoning, I am one of those who doesn't have the stamina to handle a non-monogamous partner. For one thing, I believe it totally breaks down the bond between the married couple. IMO it is impossible to be intimate with two people at the same time, and be devoted to both. One of them will get short changed. However, a non-monogamous marriage can work IF both partners are on the same page. It will surely not work if only partner is on that page.
Author shadowofman Posted January 1, 2008 Author Posted January 1, 2008 I just love her so much, I don't want sex to break us up. I also want to be happy myself. I am in a lose-lose situation (that I myself am respondsible for) and just wanted to complain. I'm not trying to be snarky, but why does she stay with you? What are her pros of staying that outweigh the cons that she thinks that you will cheat? This is not snarky. This is what I am wondering myself. I suppose that she is just going with the flow. As long as I am not being promiscuous, she is fine with the way things are, even with the possessive/jealous feelings that go along with relationship. I also am going with the flow, even with the lack of trust and the feelings of sexual frustration. At this point in my life, I feel like the love is more important than the sexual freedom, but how long will that last. My subjective morality will eventually boil over (unless this is my mid-life crisis). I just have a feeling that it will get worse, before it gets better.
Geishawhelk Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 ....Do you think, perhaps, counselling might help even if it's just you....?
Author shadowofman Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 I just don't really think so. What would he tell me that I don't already know or that I can figure out myself? Really, this all boils down to me weighing my options. What is more important to me? The loving relationship that I have or the sexual fullfillment that I don't. This is something that will play out as the time goes on. My only goal is to not go the cowardly route of cheating, which I doubt I will. I will either go with the love ever hopeful (delusional) of fullfillment and look back at my unfullfilled sexlife with regret. Or I will go with trying to find love and a fullfilled sexlife somewhere else, risking loss of love, and possibly looking back at my decision with regret. I'm slowly coming to accept the fact that I will never be 100% happy about any relationships.
blind_otter Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I just don't really think so. What would he tell me that I don't already know or that I can figure out myself? A therapist could probably tell you A LOT of things that you aren't aware of. Patterns you tend to gravitate towards. Circular thinking. Things that most people, except those very few with superhuman self awareness, are not able to perceive in themselves. I think it's a bit egotistical to say you can figure everything out for yourself. The whole point of learning is being open to the points of view of others who can open doors of perception that yo uare not even aware of. I'm slowly coming to accept the fact that I will never be 100% happy about any relationships. I think this only happens when you are not 100% happy about yourself. Listen, IMO, there HAS to be something behind this desire to satisfy urges outside of your committed relationship. I have a good friend who is dating an openly bisexual man. She discovered emails between him and another man detailing how the two men would get together and suck each others cocks. It was horrible for her to find that out, but she was prepared, knowing her partner's past....in the end he didn't stray, but it's a source of constant frustration and worry for my friend. I've seen her self esteem and confidence go down the toilet because of her relationship with this man.
Geishawhelk Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 My only goal is to not go the cowardly route of cheating, which I doubt I will. I hate to run the risk of repeating myself ad nauseam, but this is a question of semantics. You think that being open and honest with her, and doing it with her knowlege isn't cheating. Going behind her back and doing it in secret, is. She sees it that either way, you are cheating. You're making a distinction. She isn't. Either way, you're screwdidddly-dooed. And I agree with blind-otter, because I have both experienced counselling, and done it myself. Counselling will lay you open to many things you may not realise were manifest or important.
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