Interesting

[gdog]

Just got off the phone with the wife. She asked how much longer I would keep bringing up her mistake? It has only been 7 weeks since I got the news. The event took place 10 weeks ago.

 

When we talk, it is good, without anger or accusation. Just good discussion about our feelings.

 

I just told her that it would be awhile yet as the deed is on my mind every waking minute but getting less and less each day.

 

Cheers

[Planofool]

After three months I brought up the EA to my wife and she said, are you still thinking about that. It has now been seven months and we don't talk about it unless she brings it up. I can't remember the last time we talked about her EA. We have talked alot about her and her past but we don't talk about her and the OM.

 

Why would they want to talk about their mistake? If you think to heal or to reconcile is a good answer it doesn't happen in my house. Just be quiet and it will go away............ just like it never happened.

[gdog]

Thanks "Planofool". Sound advice. I'l give it a try.

[gdog]

Sorry Planofool, I just read your entire thread. Not as easy as you make it sound here, is it? Think I'll belay your advice for awhile, mainly because I am not ready to sweep this thing under the carpet just yet.

 

The W had an EA with one guy then a PA with another. Both in the same group of new friends she had. All finished now (NC with the "friends") but the deed is done and the **** is on the stove...it really stinks!

 

I hate this movie!!

[Planofool]

All the advice that I have gotten on here is to stay on her until you get all the answers you want. The only reason I have quit asking is because it wore me down. You won't get total truth this early, it will take some persistance on your part.

 

I found an envelope addressed to the OM just the right size for pictures. He had been asking her for years to send him some. It took a couple of months for her to admit she was going to send him some. Her favorite response has always been "I don't know" or "I don't recall". I told her she should have gone into politics.

 

You will be going through some tough times as you try to get answers. Hang in there.

[gdog]

Thanks Bud!

 

Take care of yourself.

[bestadvisor]

Just got off the phone with the wife. She asked how much longer I would keep bringing up her mistake? It has only been 7 weeks since I got the news. The event took place 10 weeks ago.

 

When we talk, it is good, without anger or accusation. Just good discussion about our feelings.

 

I just told her that it would be awhile yet as the deed is on my mind every waking minute but getting less and less each day.

 

Cheers

 

 

Ofcourse she wants to forget about it. If you forget about it and not talk about it, like it never happened before, whatever that caused it to happen, still remain. So, there was very little "punishment" for her action..correct? If she had fun during any minute of that affair, she will do it again due to the low price she had to pay.

 

How did you find out? Why are you SO convinced that the affair is over? What makes you think that they don't do it one more time? If the opportunity presents itself again and this time, this new man is even more interesting, your wife will turn it down again?

[bestadvisor]

Just got off the phone with the wife. She asked how much longer I would keep bringing up her mistake? It has only been 7 weeks since I got the news. The event took place 10 weeks ago.

 

When we talk, it is good, without anger or accusation. Just good discussion about our feelings.

 

I just told her that it would be awhile yet as the deed is on my mind every waking minute but getting less and less each day.

 

Cheers

 

 

Ofcourse she wants to forget about it. If you forget about it and not talk about it, like it never happened before, whatever that caused it to happen, still remain. So, there was very little "punishment" for her action..correct? If she had fun during any minute of that affair, she will do it again due to the low price she had to pay.

 

How did you find out? Why are you SO convinced that the affair is over? What makes you think that they don't do it one more time? If the opportunity presents itself again and this time, this new man is even more interesting, your wife will turn it down again?

 

You need to

[bestadvisor]

Just got off the phone with the wife. She asked how much longer I would keep bringing up her mistake? It has only been 7 weeks since I got the news. The event took place 10 weeks ago.

 

When we talk, it is good, without anger or accusation. Just good discussion about our feelings.

 

I just told her that it would be awhile yet as the deed is on my mind every waking minute but getting less and less each day.

 

Cheers

 

 

Ofcourse she wants to forget about it. If you forget about it and not talk about it, like it never happened before, whatever that caused it to happen, still remain. So, there was very little "punishment" for her action..correct? If she had fun during any minute of that affair, she will do it again due to the low price she had to pay.

 

How did you find out? Why are you SO convinced that the affair is over? What makes you think that they don't do it one more time? If the opportunity presents itself again and this time, this new man is even more interesting, your wife will turn it down again?

 

You need to ask

[bestadvisor]

Just got off the phone with the wife. She asked how much longer I would keep bringing up her mistake? It has only been 7 weeks since I got the news. The event took place 10 weeks ago.

 

When we talk, it is good, without anger or accusation. Just good discussion about our feelings.

 

I just told her that it would be awhile yet as the deed is on my mind every waking minute but getting less and less each day.

 

Cheers

 

 

Ofcourse she wants to forget about it. If you forget about it and not talk about it, like it never happened before, whatever that caused it to happen, still remain. So, there was very little "punishment" for her action..correct? If she had fun during any minute of that affair, she will do it again due to the low price she had to pay.

 

How did you find out? Why are you SO convinced that the affair is over? What makes you think that they don't do it one more time? If the opportunity presents itself again and this time, this new man is even more interesting, your wife will turn it down again?

 

You need to ask yourslef

[bestadvisor]

Just got off the phone with the wife. She asked how much longer I would keep bringing up her mistake? It has only been 7 weeks since I got the news. The event took place 10 weeks ago.

 

When we talk, it is good, without anger or accusation. Just good discussion about our feelings.

 

I just told her that it would be awhile yet as the deed is on my mind every waking minute but getting less and less each day.

 

Cheers

 

 

Ofcourse she wants to forget about it. If you forget about it and not talk about it, like it never happened before, whatever that caused it to happen, still remain. So, there was very little "punishment" for her action..correct? If she had fun during any minute of that affair, she will do it again due to the low price she had to pay.

 

How did you find out? Why are you SO convinced that the affair is over? What makes you think that they don't do it one more time? If the opportunity presents itself again and this time, this new man is even more interesting, your wife will turn it down again?

 

You need to ask yourself and ask her what caused the affair? What about STDs? You can't just forget about that the affair never existed?

 

 

(sorry about the multiple post; don't know how that happened).

Edited December 26, 2007 by bestadvisor

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed and you had an emotional affair with one woman and slept with another woman putting your wife at risk for STD's do you think she would accept you I can't believe you are still thinking about it since it has been 7 weeks ago? This statement indicates that she does not think this was such a big deal. She has humiliated and disrespected you and your marriage.

 

Her attitude shows a lack of remorse and compassion for the pain and betrayal she has done to you. My question is why do you still wish to be with someone who has done this to you with two other men? I wish you luck.

[Sierra Sunrise]

You can keep on her if you'd like if that is what is gonna make you feel good but you must realize that you can not beat a dog until it is dead because then you'll find yourself all alone. This is in no way to belittle you. You want answers and you're entitled but if you're just gonna keep reminding her of her mistakes over and over and over again until it's just a dead fish then you have to realize that she may shut down on you and nothing will get resolved.

 

You must also take a good look at what your part in it is. Yes that's right, YOUR PART! I'm sure that perhaps maybe you already have but if you haven't then you must take a good look at it and figure out why she started a EA to begin with. Things like this typically do not happen without some kind of discord or unsatisfaction in the marriage. Been there and done that multiple times. So unless you're prepared to face your own demons and problem areas that you've been lacking in the marriage then it won't work either. I suggest a joint effort. Not trying to repress the other just because you're hurt. Your hurt is justified. Just do the best you can and try to focus on what really matters. Saving the marriage. That's all. Best of luck to you.

[bish]

Just got off the phone with the wife. She asked how much longer I would keep bringing up her mistake? It has only been 7 weeks since I got the news. The event took place 10 weeks ago.

 

Uh...7 weeks is NOTHING and she should be more humble and understanding.

 

Sounds like she just wants to sweep this under the rug. Cheaters have NO IDEA the kind of crap they put people through and have no idea that they have pretty much sentenced them to a life of having to relive the betrayal that was handed down to them from time to time.

 

Anyone with any remorse would take their licks and suffer the consequences until such time the betrayed can start to at least not think about it on a daily basis...hell, that could take more than a year or better.

 

If she wants to get off easy and doesn't want to suffer the consequences of her lousy behavior and betrayal of you....then maybe she isn't worth having around??

[bish]

Thanks "Planofool". Sound advice. I'l give it a try.

 

Be careful of avoiding talking about things when you start to feel lousy about what she did to you.

 

If you bottle up any anger and resentment, and the pressure builds, you WILL blow your stack one day.

 

And if she isn't caring enough, or remorseful enough, to understand that she really scarred you bad...then, if it were me, I'd divorce her.

[Geishawhelk]

Something I don't think has been mentioned here, although I could be wrong...

 

Have you 'forgiven' her?

no, really, I mean have you? Really forgiven her?

because there's a difference between 'forgiving' and 'forgetting'.

 

And that's stupid advice, because one of these is possible, the other pretty damn near well isn't.

 

So if you've forgiven her, be sure to tell her.

tell her there is no resentment, anger, animosity, jealousy or distress in your heart, any more.

but That you need to discuss this to get it out of your system. You need o work it through....

And it will stop bothering either of you, when you can both mention it without an agenda or issue fuelling it.

 

But if you haven't forgiven her....

then that's another whole can of worms.....

[stampdaddy]

Something I don't think has been mentioned here, although I could be wrong...

 

Have you 'forgiven' her?

no, really, I mean have you? Really forgiven her?

because there's a difference between 'forgiving' and 'forgetting'.

 

And that's stupid advice, because one of these is possible, the other pretty damn near well isn't.

 

So if you've forgiven her, be sure to tell her.

tell her there is no resentment, anger, animosity, jealousy or distress in your heart, any more.

but That you need to discuss this to get it out of your system. You need o work it through....

And it will stop bothering either of you, when you can both mention it without an agenda or issue fuelling it.

 

But if you haven't forgiven her....

then that's another whole can of worms.....

 

oiw can one start to "forgive" when one doesnt know all of the "what's" to forgive...? She hasnt told him what he needs to know it seems?

[MrsHellnoFire]

Wow.. it's like.. "I ****ed a guy.. no big deal.. get over it".."It's been over a month you know"

 

Is that what she really thinks about the situation?? Downplaying like that to make it seem like you are the one who needs to adjust and accept it.

 

Since it's no biggie, how soon will she be doing this again when your guard is down?

[TerriR]

Well, you have to monitor yourself and only ask about things that you really want or need to know. I was one who thought I needed to know every detail.

 

Well, I didn't get every detail, but I did need my partner to know that I was going to ask questions and I wanted honest answers. If the answers ended up hurting me - that was my problem to deal with as long as he would agree to answer my questions.

 

For how long? Well, if he wanted to be with me, as long as it took for me to stop asking. If your partner wants to be with you - tell them that your questions are one thing that she will have to tolerate and the questions will stop - there is a time when you feel like you have enough information. But to answer your questions is part of the consequences and part of showing you the respect that you want to see coming from them if they expect you to stay with them.

 

But, yes, they HATE the questions.

 

For one thing, the cheater almost always lies about it at first anyway and tries to make things less than they were. I still had questions a year later and it took that long for me to get an honest answer about a couple of things.

 

If you are like me, there will always be questions, but at some point, you just don't ask anymore.

 

Take care of yourself

[Geishawhelk]

oiw can one start to "forgive" when one doesnt know all of the "what's" to forgive...? She hasnt told him what he needs to know it seems?

 

Forgiveness doesn't depend upon knowing all the details and the nitty-griity. it merely depends on knowing that it's happened, and that your heart is open enough to do it. Forgiveness isn't necessarily about letting the other person off 'scott-free' and leaving it at that.

Forgiveness is also about releasing yourself from the self-torment and self-punishment of not letting go....

 

If they are reconciling, then they both have work to do. Whilst I fully agree that what she did was both hurtful and inconsiderate, she might not have been so tempted had everything in the relationship been perfect. When one partner in an established relationship, strays there's already a problem. A partnership entails fidelity and commitment. If those were weak on her side, then the relationship had a weakness too.

 

AND THIS IS A GENERAL OBSERVATION, NOT SPECIFIC:

 

Working together on a relationship means exactly that. Work.

And whilst the unfaithful partner has much to do to prove that they can rebuild, is 100% willing to re-build, and can be trusted into the bargain - the other has to at one point or another, stop badgering, pestering and insisting on perhaps even rubbing the others' nose in it.

A partner has a right to be hurt, and a right to express that pain. But not if consequently s/he cheats his/her own dignity into the bargain.

There are skills in rebuilding a relationship, and nowhere does it inviolve the hurt partner resorting to playing a victim.