LS69 Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Hi, Before I got married to my wife I told her that trust and honesty are the most important things in my relationship. She agreed, but later I found out that all that was a lie. 6 years after we got married I found out that after one of our many fights she was contacting her former lover by e-mail and sending him medicines. I knew about the man, but she never had told me that she had a sex with him. She always said that he is just a good friend. I feel so betrayed. I can't imagine that even at the moment when she said "yes" at the altar she kept this secret from me. We are fighting almost all the time because she accuses me of being too nice to other women. I never had anything like an affair in my life, but she picks fights about this almost once a week, smashing household stuff and windows, getting drunk, etc. Now it is affecting our children who think we are getting divorced because of the non-existing affairs she claims I am wanting to have. I am totally frustrated and disillusioned and have started drinking myself because I can't stand the fighting anymore. What should I do? Is that type of relationship normal, as she says???? Thanks
sedgwick Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Sending him medicines? I don't understand. Why does she have his medicine? Other than that, it's very hard (as you know) to have a relationship with someone you can't trust. Have you been to counseling?
Author LS69 Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Sending him medicines? I don't understand. Why does she have his medicine? Other than that, it's very hard (as you know) to have a relationship with someone you can't trust. Have you been to counseling? She says that he could not get the medicine in America. (We live in Australia.) Yes, we went to counseling once. Afterward my wife complained to the counseling board about the counselor who spoke to us.
sedgwick Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 God, that's awful. I'm so sorry for you. Is she open to seeing another counselor? What was her problem with the one you saw?
Author LS69 Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 No way would she see another counselor. When I mentioned it once or twice afterwards she accused me that I do it to get her declared crazy. The irony is that she studied Counselling at university herself! About half of the time she is great, but the other half she is completely unpredictable, hysterical and vicious. And this is really killing me.
sedgwick Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Wow. Sounds like she has some major issues that have nothing to do with you. I hope you can at least take comfort in that. Sorry for what you're going through.
Author LS69 Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Hey, thanks for listening, sedgwick. Yes, somehow we'll have to sort this out. Hopefully.
Just_me43 Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 I can relate to your situation, my ex girlfriend was the same, i used to hang about with about three girls at college and sometimes give them a lift there. She would screem and shout, smashing things because she was jelous when there was no need to be, I didnt 'fancy' any of the girls nor did i see them outside of college they were simply my friends, but she couldnt see this. I had to have several stern talks with her and say this is unnaceptable and it too was worse after she had had a drink. What i had to do was listen to the main cause of the issue, not give up on my friends but compramise, try and do things a little different to make her happy and still allow me to see my friends with no guilt. It is clearly an issue for your wife, so maybe you dont see you are doing something wrong but she is, try and change your behaviour around women, but not so drastic that you loose contact with them, just to the extent where you are both happy enough.
Author LS69 Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Thanks for your advice, Just_me43. The hard bit is finding "the extent where we both are happy with it". I feel so controlled and mistrusted, like in a police state Big Brother watching every comment I make to another woman. At the same time I also feel treated so unfairly thinking of her secret contact with her former lover which she never told me about. But I guess the only way is to look forward rather than backward.
Just_me43 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 It's very understandable you feel like that, she is throwing the tantrums about you just talking to women, yet at the same time she is talking to a man she has history with and expects it not to have an impact on you. I had this problem its ok for her to do one thing and its not ok for you do it. Maybe try having the compramising talk, and explain in future you would like to know about these things so then if she does email someone from the past etc it wont be an issue because you are aware of it. And then just try and see where you can agree about you talking to women, i know you dont arent doing anything wrong, but if this is the woman you love and want to be with, you may just have to give a little bit of something that you dont want to do to be happy. And by the way the drinking that she and you are doing doesnt resolve the problems, they can either mask it and make it a whole lot worse, so ensure that stops. This is only advice, but hope it helps
Author LS69 Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Thanks Just_me43. Yes, I'll give this a try. And you are of course absolutely right that drinking makes it only worse.
norajane Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 No way would she see another counselor. When I mentioned it once or twice afterwards she accused me that I do it to get her declared crazy. The irony is that she studied Counselling at university herself! About half of the time she is great, but the other half she is completely unpredictable, hysterical and vicious. And this is really killing me. Well, maybe she is crazy. Or, bi-polar.
D-Lish Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Why did she report the counselor? SOmething funny- most people in the "helping" field- go into it to deal with their own demons. I was in a child and youth worker program for 4 years- it was all women- and all of them had been molested, or raped, or had other childhood trauma. It was like a huge counselling forum. She needs to control her anger.... that's a given.
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 We are fighting almost all the time because she accuses me of being too nice to other women. I never had anything like an affair in my life, but she picks fights about this almost once a week, smashing household stuff and windows, getting drunk, etc. Now it is affecting our children who think we are getting divorced because of the non-existing affairs she claims I am wanting to have. It's healthy to be a little territorial because it means you value your mate but when someone's violently and consistently that way, they are projecting their own actions, or what they are capable of doing, onto you. I used to work with a woman who's husband was the same way as your wife. He constantly accused her of having an affair. After a few years, he left her for someone else who he had been having an affair with, for a few years.
crazy_grl Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I think the first step is for you to stop drinking. You'll just make things worse, for you, your wife, and especially your kids. Then then next step would be to get your wife to stop drinking. I've got no ideas on how to do that though. But to answer your question, this isn't normal. It's f*cked up to be frank. Anytime there's excessive drinking and things being broken, that's a major problem. Sorry I don't have any ideas on how to fix this, but I think you should consider how your wife's behavior is affecting your kids, and if she keeps it up, you may need to get them out of the kind of unhealthy environment she's creating. Hope you work it out.
Author LS69 Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 Thanks, all. I agree. Drinking just exaggerates all problems. D-Lish, she reported the counselor because she said that the counselor was not neutral and took my side. She was also upset because after the half hour session was up the counselor asked us to make another appointment rather than continue the session. I think both reasons are quite irrational. Norajane, yes, I think she is bipolar, without myself being an expert in psychology. Trialbyfire, I don't think she is having an affair (But I guess most people would say that about their partner before they find out...). But going by her previous behavior I don't know whether she would resist an opportunity. I know that one key is that I need to show her love all the time, otherwise she flips into this type of mood. Just that this makes me always feel like living on a knife's edge, and I have to watch every step. Cheers and thanks for the advice
kymberann Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Maybe she is taking her friends medicine! You both sound like there are insecurity issues that have just taken over. What about a trial seperation? And how safe are the kids?
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