Weird time in my life - should I end it with her

[jew18]

I know the title is very ominous however I am going to try and give as much detail as possible to my current situation. Though I will apologise for the long read to come, sorry.

 

I have been seeing this girl for just under 2 1/2 years now, we've never, ever really had a serious fall out over anything, and any semi-serious issues we have had have usually been because of something to do with my feelings about her and where the relationship is going. We started dating when we were in sixth form at school, and she is now at uni reasonably close by.

 

She is the first girl I have ever got into a serious relationship with, as I am only 19 now. She has always been more dependant on me than I of her, and I am just starting to think - do I really love her as much, and in the same way, as she loves me?

 

I have talked with lots of close friends regarding this, and every time I have convinced myself that I'm being stupid, and it's just because I'm feeling a little down or something of that sorts. I have been feeling like this since at least 2months now.

 

More recently, life has been emotionally hard on me, one of my friends died in a tragic car accident, about 1 1/2 months ago, closely followed my grandma passing away only 2ish weeks ago. In the first instance my gf took this quite hard (even though she hardly knew the guy), and I felt I had to support her though this more than she did for me. I felt very much like I very little time to myself - as she was practically spending all our time together.

 

Shortly after we'd found out about my gran, I was heading out the house to go somewhere to sit and do some much needed thinking when she called (phone). She was really upset about my gran also, and I, having still not quite processed what had happened, was very cold to her and just didn’t give her any sympathy - and told her how I'd felt "suffocated" by her during the death of my friend. After this she gave me some space, and things were somewhat better for me.

 

The week in between the death and funeral of my gran I was very down, as you could understand, and kept thinking about my relationship with my gf and how I felt about her & whether I should end it. The following are the reasons I was feeling:

• I feel she is too dependant on me/I do not have enough "space".
  
• That I don’t feel as attracted to her as I used to.
  
• That I don’t love her in the same way I used to. :s
  
• I keep looking at other girls and wonder what it'd be like - (shallow I know!!)
  
• I HATE myself for feeling this way I really do - cause I really do care for her so much.

After these thoughts were going around my head for a couple of nights, I talked to my closest friend, and he advised me not to do anything about this until after the funeral of my grandma - as he (and I both) thought that my head was all over the place with the recent events.

 

Its now late Xmas day now, and I am still feeling the same as I did then. It has been 1 and a half weeks since the funeral, and my head is no "lighter" of the thoughts. It keeps getting me down and I really don’t want to keep her in a false state that we're a normal happy couple, when I don’t feel like we are.

 

Again I am very sorry for the long post however I still don’t feel like I've quite said everything. Though to be honest, I think I could write a good sized book and still not be content with the detail!!

 

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks

[spooty]

everyone goes through these types of feelings, guys more often than girls though.

when faced with stress some people like to lean on others, while others just need to sort things out in private. neither strategy is "stronger" or "weaker" than the other, they're just different, and not incompatible.

tell your girlfriend that you don't feel the same, maybe it's because you've been together so long it feels less special, maybe because you're trying not to feel anything at all because of the tragedies in your life right now. tell her what you used to love about her, tell her that you wish she was that way again, and that maybe you should take a break, and give her the comfort of a definite end date to the break.

 

i went through a similar thing with my bf maybe you should try our solution. we were both growing up (18,19) and in different ways. i had become quite dependent and he was trying to come to grips with maturity and responsibility. i think in relationships you can either take someone for granted or expect them to be there ALWAYS and for EVERYTHING, and they are 2 sides of the same coin. we've taken summer's off. let's see... 2 at least (out of 5 years, we got together junior year of high school now we're college seniors) and if we don't take a break in the summer we greatly reduce contact. it works, it makes us better! the best thing about a break like that is that there is no pressure. you know that you will get back together so you don't have to worry about if you should or not, but you also don't have to worry about the day-to-day relationship/emotional maintinace stuff, like talking everyday, seeing each other regularly... etc... you get to focus on yourself. taking regular breaks like this keeps us both independent (well, it forces me from getting too needy and clingy!)

then you get back together afterwards to see how you've both changed. you should try this and then see how you feel once you get back together. how about the 1st of the year until valentines? that's a nice chunk of time for you to unwind your thoughts and not so long that either of you would move on or start cheating (i presume)

it gets so boring when you see each other everyday, you run out of things to talk about. creating artificial distance can make a relationship more exciting because you get continue to learn about the other person rather than know everything.

as for thinking about other girls, everyone does that, and what we miss is the excitement of a new relationship, the possibilities. i look and wonder, but i wouldn't trade the investment of my relationship for a chance with someone i don't know. remember that you don't know if they are better or worse than your gf, it's easy to think better when you know so little.

[Racquel Colette]

I disagree with the above poster. It sounds like they are just staying together in case there is nothing better out there and honestly I think it won't last too much longer.

 

I feel you need to break up with her. You are young, not every relationship lasts forever or we'd marry the first person we have a relationship with.

[jew18]

Thanks for help & quick responses.

 

I do agree with the last comment in the way that have never seen this relationship lasting forever...however she does I think, which is causing me a lot of grief, I mean I know break ups must always be hard for anyone to consider, but its just I know she's going to hurt like hell.

 

As for cheating, I was at breaking point about a week ago, for some reason I purposefully went out into clubs with the intention doing just that. I mean, in terms of my morals, I think the worst thing anyone could ever do is cheat, yet there I was, going out to do exactly what I believe only complete f***ers do! Luckily I woke up later in the evening and started think what the hell I was doing and went home, kicking myself so bad for even contemplating the idea. I dont know what I'd done if I actually had cheated!

 

But yeah thanks again for all the help, much appreciated. Think I'm going to mull it over for a little while longer (might as well as I aint seeing her for a couple of days now).