icantbelieveit Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 any suggestions will help me deal with dealing with my husband infidelity. I caught my husband cheating with one of his co-workers. I was so naive and stupid that did not suspenct anything. I TRUSTED him with my life...I confronted my husband about him having an affair and having feelings for thiS other fem. He claims he does not love her or have any feelings towards this woman that it was just "guy talk" ..I went thru phone bills and saw that he talks to this woman on a daily basis. 24/7.......This has been going on for maybe 3 months. He claims he strayed because I would not give him enought SEX. Taking into consideration that I dont. That is not a reason to go and have an affair. ....Really what is bothering is that he claims he has no feelings towards her....Come on you talk to another woman 24/7. and you text her that you miss her , you thinking about her, you desire her and HE IS GOING TO TELL ME HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR HER!!!............ i want to think that if my husband was sexually frustruated he would go and have a one night stand and not a "sex friend" for over 3 months and text message and talk to her like he did. Does anybody agree with me I think he does have feelings for her maybe not LOVE, but there has to be some sort of feelings??? I I am having a hard time dealing with this issue. He says he LOVES me and does not want to lose me or everything we have constructed thruought the past 14 years.. I want to believe that he does love me and he is not bullshtng me just for the kids sake and the life we have.
gardenstate Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 I think from the evidence you have gathered (phone bills etc.) it sounds like your husband is lying about having feelings for this other woman. Have you presented him with the evidence?
michaelk Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 (edited) The first thing to remember is that (generally) men can separate sex and love, whereas women tend to see these two things as one. As you said, it's possible that he doesn't love her, but it's hard to imagine that he has zero feelings. Being in constant contact with someone and having regular sex must foster some feelings, even if it's only 'friendship with benefits' as they say. If you decide to stay together and try to make your marriage work, I think you'll get a sense of how strong his feelings for her are by how he reacts to losing her. Assuming that you insist on no contact between the two of them, you might find that he handles the loss of his OW easily, or that he becomes withdrawn and distracted. The more of the latter reaction you see, the more of an emotional loss it is for him. Either way, it sounds like you have some work to do to get your relationship on a solid footing. On top of whatever sexual problems he feels exist, you apparently aren't communicating well, or you two would have discussed his unhappiness before it got to this point. Does he fear talking about difficult relationship issues and if so, why? Or has he tried to talk to you about it but failed to get the resolution he seeks? A marriage counselor will help you a great deal in resolving this. I know it helped my wife and me. Edited December 26, 2007 by michaelk
BlackSwan Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 What is guy talk in this context? That doesn't make any sense. He might not have feelings like love for her, but he might like talking to her because she strokes his ego and makes him feel like he's so awesome. She probably has feelings for him and he laps it up each time he talks to her.
Scrivdog Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 He talked to her alot because some women need that before they'll have sex with a guy - especially if he's married. There's no mystery here. He may very well have no feelings for her, either. What I find interesting is that you acknowledge not having enough sex with him - and I can only guess at how infrequent that must be and yet you protest that this is no reason to go and have an affair! What did you propose he do? Lead a life of masturbation? Remain celibate? What were his options, in your opinion?
smartgirl Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Take another read on Michael's post - he's been there and I think he gives you some good guidelines to look out for. Do some reading. Esp. marriagebuilders.com which has a 4 or 5 part section on infidelity that is key reading for the stage you are in right now! He might have felt addicted to her and those feelings will not go away over night. Your biggest problem is that if they still work together it will drag your recovery out and make it that much harder. He has got to leave or she will remain in the mix in one capacity or another. Even if he doesn't "love" her, he will care about not hurting her, protecting her identity/job whatever and at numerous points her interests will conflict with yours and he will be caught in the middle. He will try to toss out a little to her and then a little to you and you will all feel like you are in pure hell. It is possible that he really wants it to be over and to be back in the marriage. But it won't be that easy, no matter what he thinks. She isn't going to just act like nothing happened, so he won't be able to either. You need to find a good MC right away that has had a lot of experience in this area. Also get "After the Affair" by Janet Springs-Abrams. It will help you alot. Good luck.
michaelk Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Even if he doesn't "love" her, he will care about not hurting her, protecting her identity/job whatever and at numerous points her interests will conflict with yours and he will be caught in the middle. He will try to toss out a little to her and then a little to you and you will all feel like you are in pure hell. This reminds me of something my therapist told me once. He said, "I've seldom seen a man more miserable than the one who's got two women in his life." And having been in that position, I agree 100% with what you're saying here smartgirl. If he doesn't make a break from the OW, he'll find himself struggling to make both women happy yet unable to do so, leaving everyone involved just miserable.
Author icantbelieveit Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 yes i confronted him . i did my research before doing so. he insist that it is just guy talk to get what they wants...but im finding it hard for it to be just guy talk when he talks to her on a daily basis according to the phone bills it was at 0830,1030,1031,1032,...530. 830. 1130.. ,,I also went thru his text messages and showed them to him...He stll denies having any feeling whatsoever for the OW. The OW clearly says she is madly in love with him, so has to have sweetalked to her in order for her to have this feelings. I don't think that you work with a person and sleep with them at the same time and not have anything going on .....HE CLAIMS NO FEELINGS FOR HER..IT WAS ONLY SEX.
shadowofman Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 I think she has feelings for him and he is just talking to her so much so that he can trick her into giving him sex. Men fake intellectual interest all the time for sex. Love and sex are not mutually inclusive as you were probably taught to believe. I am willing to bet that he likes and respects her, but not love. I doubt he would take a bullet for her like he would for you.
Author icantbelieveit Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Thank you MICHAELK,,, Exactly no communication here...I guess we lost it thru the years we just got comfortable in the relationship...He did break it up with her. We were going to meet up with her of course she did not know I was going to be present. He just phoned her and told her that it was over because I had busted him and it was just sex btwn them nothing else. He is making every effort to make things right. He is willing to transfer to another facility. I do see him trying, but I am sooo dissapointed and angry at him that I just ignore him. Well he did say he feared asking about my feeling towards him and was afraid to hear that I did not love him anymore...I DO LOVE MY HUSBAND, ... and I do want things to work out but I can't get over this anger and its hard trying to pretend everything is ok when it is not.
Author icantbelieveit Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Shadowofman, I know for a fact he would take a bullet for me and according to her text messages she is madly in love with him, but what I can't understand is WHY IF IT WAS JUST GUY TALK AND ONLY A SEX THING WHY DID HE HAVE TO TALK TO HER EVERYDAY??? THAT IS WHAT I DON'T COMPREHEND....
Author icantbelieveit Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 SCRIVDOG, I did not protest him having an affair, I protest him claiming not to have any feeling with the OW. I clearly understand I led him to it ,but that was HIS choice, He could have talked to me about it his problem with infrequent sex. Also having a once or twice sex with your co-worker does not mean that you have to CALL HER ALLDAY.. that is my protest him talking to the OW ALL DAY and still claiming it was just Guy talk
shadowofman Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 The real question is why not. I wasn't hurting him to talk other than the fact that it was creating more of a record of his actions. It's painless to talk, or more acurately, to listen to the rambling of some love struck girl. Even if he told her that he loved her, I doubt he does. Of course, I could be wrong. My only intention here is to make you aware that there is no proof. Love was not nessessary for the affair. Very unnessessary!
imstunned Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 He probably was just into her for the sex. I was an unknowing other woman for 8 months. I fell in love. He pretty much was just into me for the sex. We exhanged 1000's of text messages, and had long intimate phone conversations. I found out he was married and shortly afterwards his wife discovered me. he hasnt had any contact with me since. Shows how much he cared. He didnt. However - I would not and could not have fallen in love with a man if there was not smething there - something being given from him back to me, and not just sweet talk. . .in fact he wasnt so good at that really. Guys are able to have sex without emotion, but that dosent necessarily mean they always do. Perhpas he was just into how she made him feel, his ego and all that jazz. he will never admit to having feelings for her - even if he did have those feelings, he will be doing his best to block them out now you have busted him. The question is do you find his affair any more forgivable given that he risked his marriage with you just for a ****??
shadowofman Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 The simpliest explaination is usually the correct one. Perhpas he was just into how she made him feel, his ego and all that jazz. He simply wanted to have sex with a new vagina. I can relate! No real reason to assume it has anything to do with ego. Men are very good at stroking their own. In all likelyhood, all her doting was very annoying. "Shut up and talk about your vagina."
OpenBook Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 yes i confronted him . i did my research before doing so. he insist that it is just guy talk to get what they wants...but im finding it hard for it to be just guy talk when he talks to her on a daily basis according to the phone bills it was at 0830,1030,1031,1032,...530. 830. 1130.. ,,I also went thru his text messages and showed them to him...He stll denies having any feeling whatsoever for the OW. The OW clearly says she is madly in love with him, so has to have sweetalked to her in order for her to have this feelings. I don't think that you work with a person and sleep with them at the same time and not have anything going on .....HE CLAIMS NO FEELINGS FOR HER..IT WAS ONLY SEX. Well of course he would tell you that! He's trying to save his own @ss, and his M with you. Men lie, all the time. End of story.
imstunned Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 He obviously lied. But to whom? erm, everybody?
Scrivdog Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 SCRIVDOG, I did not protest him having an affair, I protest him claiming not to have any feeling with the OW. I clearly understand I led him to it ,but that was HIS choice, He could have talked to me about it his problem with infrequent sex. Also having a once or twice sex with your co-worker does not mean that you have to CALL HER ALLDAY.. that is my protest him talking to the OW ALL DAY and still claiming it was just Guy talk He could have been talking to her all day and still not love her - trust me. That part is not hard to understand. He may have liked her. He may have enjoyed her attentions and the actions that showed she wanted him. But when the time came - he probably didn't care about her that much at all. His actions now tell what he really feels. If he stopped contacting her and is willing to leave his workplace - then that should pretty much say it all. Are you saying your husband never told you he thought you two were not having enough sex before this?
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 ICan't, first of all, you didn't 'drive' him to do anything. Yes, your marriage was lacking sex but it was his choice and his ALONE to chose to cheat. Other valid points have been made, however, with regard to neglecting someone to the point where they seek to get their needs met elsewhere. That being said, if this woman was head over heels for your husband, then there was HUGE ego gratification going on for him each time he contacted her. Every time he called her, he got the high of her being excited and thilled that he called her, and she probably told him how wonderful he was, how much she missed him, how she adored him, and how he's the greatest thing since microwave popcorn. So aside from having someone who was only too happy to have sex with him whenever and however he wanted, he had the added bonus of having his ego constantly puffed up and validated by her, each and every day. Fantasy Land, pure and simple.
michaelk Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Thank you MICHAELK You're welcome. Exactly no communication here...I guess we lost it thru the years we just got comfortable in the relationship... Then this is where you need to focus your energy. Get with a marriage counselor and start talking about the affair. All of these questions you're asking here should be asked of your husband with a counselor. A good counselor will help the two of you with honest, open communication, and that needs to be the basis of your marriage going forward. Otherwise you run the risk of finding yourself right back here again. In other words, it's not just about sex or lack of it. If you fix the communication issue, you'll be on your way to fixing the sex issue, too, because you'll have learned how to air these kinds of things and resolve them between the two of you. I know this from first-hand experience. He did break it up with her. We were going to meet up with her of course she did not know I was going to be present. He just phoned her and told her that it was over because I had busted him and it was just sex btwn them nothing else. He is making every effort to make things right. He is willing to transfer to another facility. This is great. It tells you that he really does want to be with you, and is willing to work toward that goal. I do see him trying, but I am sooo dissapointed and angry at him that I just ignore him. Well he did say he feared asking about my feeling towards him and was afraid to hear that I did not love him anymore...I DO LOVE MY HUSBAND, ... and I do want things to work out but I can't get over this anger and its hard trying to pretend everything is ok when it is not. I understand. DON'T try to pretend that everything is okay. Burying your feelings just perpetuates your lack of communication. You need to feel free to tell him how you feel, and vice versa. This doesn't mean raking him over the coals in order to 'make him pay' for what he did, or anything like that. But if you're angry, you need to tell him so and why. And if you wake up every morning for the next month angry, then that's simply how you feel. It's going to be very unpleasant for both of you, but on the other side is the possibility of a much better, closer relationship.
BetrayedMM Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I disagree and do think it's about ego... the need for another vagina comes from a need to feed the ego, the self image, breeding instinct, cultural influences, but all of it having to do with ego and self esteem. I also agree when the guys say that a philandering man will say whatever he thinks the woman wants to hear, he will listen to what she says, process it, and regurgitate it- same thing, different words, or a response calculated to be soothing and endearing. He will have the gift of gab. He will be fun to talk to, a perfect listener, will always be on her side. He will be her best friend, he will 'be there' for her, he will never be judgmental. He will be her shoulder to cry on. He won't mean a single word of it. It's all just a means to an end. Most women just don't see it at all, even if told point blank exactly what the guy is doing- they seem to prefer the guy who pours syrup in their ear to the guy who actually cares or even friends who are on the level. It's amazing to watch... and has never been a secret. Which makes it even more amazing...
Mino Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 How do you know the A is a only 3 months? My MM has constantly lied to his W in the last 3 years. She has NO clue how long this A has been going on. Two D days, have come and gone. Still together. He tells me he loves me everyday. But of coarse he lies to his wife, saying that we are over. Hre will lie to save his A$$. They will never tell you that they love the ow.
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