MarilynM Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I recently started dating a wonderful man, around two months ago. He inferred that he was divorced and him and his wife had split up two years ago. I actually then found out recently that he was in fact separated, not divorced and that the separation possibly took place around a year ago and a bit ago, not two years, he says he cannot remember exactly how long it is. I was feeling very confused about being lied to and of course my first instinct was to finish things immediately. But this man assured me that in his own mind he felt divorced and hadn't really given it any thought about only being separated, because as far as he was concerned, his marriage was well and truly dead because his wife had an affair and he threw her out of the marital home. I feel that it is morally wrong for us to remain together while this man is still actually married although him and his wife do not live together and he says there is no chance whatsoever of them reconciling. Should I leave this man now and walk away from this? He says me loves me but everything is going so fast and I am very concerned about the fact that he does not appear to have been entirely honest with me. Although some of it was my incorrect assumptions, he let me proceed with those wrong assumptions and did not make the situation completely clear to me from the outset. Also, this man is still in contact with his wife (I believe via phone calls and IM) and members of her family. I have questioned again and again, what is really going on here, are you actually properly separated and are you getting divorced. He says he is definitely getting divorced but prefers to do it on the grounds of two years separation rather than his wife's adultery. If someone cheated on me within a marriage, I would not be waiting two years to get divorced, I would do it immediately. So why has he been waiting all this time? I fear that maybe he still loves his wife and won't admit it. He denies this completely and says he will NEVER get back with her. Any advice appreciated.
Always Wrong Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Divorce on grounds of adultery doesn't fly with a judge without proof obtained by a licensed private investigator. If neither one is contesting the divorce, irreconcilable differences works just fine. If she is contesting the divorce, then not having been together for two years is good enough for the judge. The "judge" grants the divorce. Just because he wants one doesn't mean he'll get it.
Author MarilynM Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 Hi Thanks for the answer, but it doesn't apply in the UK. Here in UK you just cite adultery (naming the 3rd party) and the divorce is granted, even if one of the parties contests divorce, it's very rare for it not to be granted, as the courts take the view that if one party wants out of the marriage, it's all but over. There is no question whatsoever that this man can get a divorce, he says his wife definitely won't contest and that he has the name of the man she cheated with. So, all that being the case, why is he not divorced already, am I being a total fool to believe that they will not get back together? And should I walk away from this right now? It is morally wrong, in my view, to stay with a man who is actually still married.
Always Wrong Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Don't call yourself a fool. Someone taking advantage of your trust doesn't make you a fool. Here in the US divorce is a little more difficult. Don't betray your moral conscience. He does sound a bit noncommittal doesn't he. That would give me cause for concern too.
Phateless Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 If it's over, it's over. What difference does the technicality make? I would be worried about whether or not it's actually over and finding out about that as much you as can. The technicality of the paperwork seems a moot point.
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