Is this morally wrong?

[Art_Critic]

If his wife really did cheat,

 

There is a key piece of info there.. IF..

He hasn't given you the whole story...

[MarilynM]

No no no, you've picked me up totally wrong. She didn't give him a blowjob, he was referring to the past when they were together!

 

Actually the financials do have relevance to me because he talked about us getting married, therefore his ex can claim a share of my salary here in the UK if we do get married (both him and I earn large salaries and she is a gold digger).

 

So, it IS my business whether or not he protects all parties appropriately with sound legal advice.

 

I did not knowingly insert myself as the other woman, he told me he was divorced then only later told me he was separated.

 

Artcritic, we don't live together.

[whichwayisup]

And you still love and want this man? If he appologized to you, you'd take him back, right?

 

Please consider counselling to help you get strong enough to actually walk away forever.

[MarilynM]

Yes I see your points. Actually he asked me for advice, I didn't just wade in and stick my nose in. He asked me because I am legally qualified.

 

Other than that yes I think I do need counselling. I don't know what is wrong with me to put up with such bad treatment. If it was one of my friends I'd be screaming at them to walk away, yet I just don't seem able to do it myself.

[whichwayisup]

He should be talking to a lawyer, someone objective, not someone who has invested interest and can gain in the outcome of his life.

 

End it now, go NC and if he does divorce, then date for a while...Start off properly.

[MarilynM]

I AM a lawyer. I do not have the slightest interest in gaining a penny from him, I earn more in any case. I am, however, interested in protecting my own assets in the future from any claim by his wife after they divorce. Not unreasonable, given that he admits she bled him dry financially for almost ten years.

[whichwayisup]

But you are NOT an objective lawyer when it comes to him and THEIR divorce. You should recommend someone for him to talk to.

 

What I meant by you gain is, you get HIM. Invested interest...I wasn't talking money.

[MarilynM]

I AM a lawyer. I do not have the slightest interest in gaining a penny from him, I earn more in any case. I am, however, interested in protecting my own assets in the future from any claim by his wife after they divorce. Not unreasonable, given that he admits she bled him dry financially for almost ten years.

 

I already advised him to get independent legal advice and that I would not advise anything other than for him to seek advice from someone that is not me. He blew up at the suggestion that he needed legal advice where financials are involved. It is sensible for both him and his wife, for him to adequately make provisions for her, for the future as she is on a low income. She might well be disadvantaged by not taking legal advice and might get less from him than she is entitled to, or he might disadvantage both of them. The courts take a dim view of people trying to sort financial arrangements without proper legal advice for this very reason.

 

Believe me, I have no desire whatsoever to gain anything - just a professional duty to point out that legal advice is a sound, sensible plan where two parties are on dramatically different incomes.

 

And no, I don't "get him" - we are already together and he has been separated for two years. I am not the other woman that he cheated with. SHE cheated on him, they split up and two years later he met me. So I'm not "stealing him" by him getting divorced.

[MarilynM]

I have not given any actual legal advice, only advised that needs legal advice from an outside party!

 

It would be unprofessional of me to advise anything other than that he seeks out advice from a professional divorce lawyer that is NOT me.

 

I have no intention whatsoever of providing any legal advice about divorce or financials, all I told him was, it would be wise to seek out INDEPENDENT legal advice.

[Trimmer]

I'm not sure I'd buy the "separated for a year and a half-ish" story...there's no way, absolutely NO WAY, that a spouse who's been cheated on would not know to the HOUR when s/he decided to end it.

I agree - I can't speak for everyone, but this is true in my case - at least to the day, month and year, and it's been over 2 years now.

 

That said, it's absolutely possible that a person can be separated and consider themselves divorced; I did, and it's true that I had zero desire to reconcile with my exH. We were separated for a couple of years before I finally filed ...

Again, this is my experience too. It's been just over 2 years, and I only filed our paperwork a couple months ago and it's now moving through the process, but there was never any going back. I also wasn't out looking for a new relationship, and if I had approached one, I would have been crystal clear and unambiguous about my status, and I would completely understand if a woman chose not to get too close based on my "technically married" status.

 

However, the difference is that I never lied to anyone about my status, and when I did meet someone I was interested in, I decided the insurance wasn't worth being still tied to my ex, so I got my act together and filed.

Again, I agree. Now that I have worked through some things myself and can forsee the possibility of relationships again in the future, it's time to finish the paperwork part. I have long considered myself figuratively "no longer married," although not technically divorced. I compare it to filling out tax forms: if there weren't a deadline and penalties, who would ever get around to that pain-in-the-neck task? In the case of our divorce it's relatively amicable, and our behaviors are based on being good parents to our kids; however, now moving into the future, my penalty now becomes being saddled with a "still married" stamp, so it's time for me to clean that up.

 

What a crock of BULL.

 

BULL.

 

Divorce is expensive, emotionally exhausting, and a LEGAL proceeding that many don't soon forget. What utter BULL that he conveniently FORGOT he hadn't made that legal move yet.

Not that I'm eager to jump to his defense here, but he didn't say he "forgot" he wasn't divorced, he said he "felt like he was divorced", and I understand how someone could say that... I feel that way myself, although as I pointed out above, I have the ability and feel the obligation to be crystal clear with any potential romantic interest about my status.

 

Having said that, however:

 

Freakin' LIAR.

 

Anyone who LIES right from the start has something to HIDE. He showed you ZERO respect when he lied to you. Zero.

.... I think most of us agree that there is something between significant misrepresentation and flat out lying going on here. And I agree with SM and others who say that his specific status isn't necessarily a problem, subject to your own moral code (if he truly has been separated for 2 years and really isn't going back,) but his obfuscation and deception truly is the primary - and grave - concern.

 

...I am very concerned about the fact that he does not appear to have been entirely honest with me. Although some of it was my incorrect assumptions, he let me proceed with those wrong assumptions and did not make the situation completely clear to me from the outset.

And I have to say, isn't that even incrementally more evil than just putting a lie out there out of stupidity because he was uncomfortable or embarrassed about his situation? They both suck, but this makes it seem even more sinister...

 

Also, this man is still in contact with his wife...

So, last week, he arranged to meet his wife, I was at his home before he left and he got dressed up and off he went to meet her.

...They spent approx 3 hours together but he did not fill in the petition...

...There was no answer from his phone and I could not get hold of him til later in the evening, almost midnight, when he claimed he had fallen asleep.

...When I walked round to where he said he was, he was walking from the opposite direction (and had changed into casual clothes).

...where was the receipt? He did not have it. He ALWAYS keeps receipts.

...He got very angry and defensive...

...his response was "well she gave a better blowjob than you".

Marilyn, I don't mean to cause you any more anguish, but did anyone else here read the preceeding sequence and wonder whether the blowjob he was talking about might have happened that very night? I'm willing to believe he fell asleep, but it's because I can't avoid considering that it was in her bed. Am I just irreparably cynical?

[NoIdeaAtAll]

Hi

Feel I just to have to say something here as I d0 disagree with some of the comments. Everyone has a right to an opinion - but all situations are different. I am currently going thru a divorce - my ex husband and I - and yes, i see him as my EX husband and I are still very good friends - very - but there is no way we would EVER get back together. He does not hold a candle for me, and I don't for him. We have both been in relationships since we split up 19 months ago and even at our bitterest times - the fact we had been together 20 years gave us both the will to be amicable in our separation. The separation was caused by a million and one things - including me being hit when he was blacked out by booze etc etc blah blah blah - we have had unbearable tragic circumstances in our marriage - and the main reason we broke up was because of the "growing apart" in our marriage. The incidentals - though not forgotten - are there, but we are still friends and care deeply for each other and wish the other to be happy whoever they are with. Admittedly we have children, one of whom is disabled - but we are going for a 2 year separation/divorce - and even then - if either of us wanted to leave it for a bit longer, the other would not kick off about it. Not all couples have to be completely bitter and twisted. He may have done bad things - and me too probably - but it didnt make us bad people.

 

SO - my point is.... your boyfriend may feel divorced as they have been supposedly separated for a long time. However, from your posts you sound as tho your gut instinct is that something is not quite right and he seems to have the control here. My concern as a complete outsider who really knows nothing....is more the the fact that marriage has even been disucussed when you are 2 months into a marriage. Please dont get me wrong - I JUDGE NO-ONE - but your gut seems to be questioning his actions and you are feeling betrayed already. I think to say the mean thing he said to you which is extremely personal and offensive early on in, or even late on, in a relationship, is very disrespectful.

 

I would not advise anyone what to do - I am in no fit place or state of mind to give advise - but what I would say is stay true to you - if you have questions that can't be answered "in your heart and mind" to "your satisfaction" - what you feel is right - then your heart will probably steer you in the right direction.

 

Its so easy to give advice and not take it - I do it all the time - you must go with what YOU believe is right. If there's a question niggling at you - it's there to make you really think. With love, there is no doubt!

 

If you are legally qualified you are an educated intelligent person - let the "legal" side of your mind balance the "heart strings" and try and step back a bit from the emotions (coming from me - the complete emotional cripple right now that's rich) ......

 

but its just my thoughts. I don't know if that is any help to you.

 

People lie for many reasons - I lied about being hit because I know my EX is not a bad person - (too complicated t explain) and I didn't stay true to me - but when I did, we did, end our marriage - it was for good and valid reasons - and we do not hate and we still do care and we both have huge contact with the extended family. He might be the same, tho he does appear from what you to say to sound a little "angry and defensive"

 

Trust YOUR feelings. They are the only ones you can trust.

 

Please stay true to you and your values and beliefs. Opinions from others are good - they raise more questions - but only you know what you feel when you look in his eyes. If you feel doubts - maybe step back for a while.

 

I wish you the very best of luck. (So sorry for rambling).

[Trimmer]

No no no, you've picked me up totally wrong. She didn't give him a blowjob, he was referring to the past when they were together!

 

I misunderstood the blow job part, sorry.

My last post crossed these in the writing and editing process, but I just got a really bad feeling about your description of that evening, followed by his anger.

 

Why did you doubt him about going for a snack, to the degree that you asked to see the receipt? What was your concern?

[NoIdeaAtAll]

My concern as a complete outsider who really knows nothing....is more the the fact that marriage has even been disucussed when you are 2 months into a RELATIONSHIP

[NoIdeaAtAll]

My last post crossed these in the writing and editing process, but I just got a really bad feeling about your description of that evening, followed by his anger.

 

Why did you doubt him about going for a snack, to the degree that you asked to see the receipt? What was your concern?

 

 

Ditto Trimmer - I had the same feeling about the description of that evening. You sound more worthy than tolerating that sort of mean behaviour.

[HappyAtLast]

have some pride. You posted "Anyway, we had a major row, he stormed upstairs to bed, making it more or less clear that I wasn't welcome. I went upstairs a while later, he was asleep so I woke him and asked if he wanted me to stay or go home."

 

He made it clear that you were not welcome. A man does not treat a lady he values this way. I cannot believe that you actually went upstairs and woke him up, unless you had a 2 x 4 in your hands.

 

As if the above was not enough, the "BJ" comment should certainly have been the final nail in his coffin.

 

A man who loves you would never do those things. Please, have some pride. Walk away.

[torranceshipman]

omg - what he said about the blowjob and the way he treated you that night was really, really horrible. You should never see him again - and you should never, ever let a man treat you this way.

 

Also sounds like he really wants to get back with his wife.

 

Run!!!!

[JustBreathe]

You're not married to him. You have only recently started dating this man. Why are you putting up with all this garbage? HIs tantrum, throwing things around, the anger, the childish put down about his ex-wife giving better b.j. You're getting entangled in some kind of 3 way tug of war. Step out of it. You don't need it.

 

Cut him loose and tell him to come see you when his divorce is final.

[GreenEyedLady]

Cut him loose and tell him to come see you when his divorce is final.

 

Kick him to the curb period...

 

People will treat you the way you allow them too...Don't let anyone treat you that way, it's unacceptable...