Are my suspicions correct?

[MarilynM]

I recently started dating a wonderful man, around two months ago. He inferred that he was divorced and him and his wife had split up two years ago. I actually then found out recently that he was in fact separated, not divorced and that the separation possibly took place around a year ago and a bit ago, not two years, he says he cannot remember exactly how long it is.

 

I was feeling very confused about being lied to and of course my first instinct was to finish things immediately. But this man assured me that in his own mind he felt divorced and hadn't really given it any thought about only being separated, because as far as he was concerned, his marriage was well and truly dead because his wife had an affair and he threw her out of the marital home.

 

I feel that it is morally wrong for us to remain together while this man is still actually married although him and his wife do not live together and he says there is no chance whatsoever of them reconciling. Should I leave this man now and walk away from this? He says me loves me but everything is going so fast and I am very concerned about the fact that he does not appear to have been entirely honest with me. Although some of it was my incorrect assumptions, he let me proceed with those wrong assumptions and did not make the situation completely clear to me from the outset.

 

Also, this man is still in contact with his wife (I believe via phone calls and IM) and members of her family. I have questioned again and again, what is really going on here, are you actually properly separated and are you getting divorced. He says he is definitely getting divorced but prefers to do it on the grounds of two years separation rather than his wife's adultery. If someone cheated on me within a marriage, I would not be waiting two years to get divorced, I would do it immediately. So why has he been waiting all this time? I fear that maybe he still loves his wife and won't admit it. He denies this completely and says he will NEVER get back with her.

 

Any advice appreciated.

[Krytie TV]

I feel that it is morally wrong for us to remain together while this man is still actually married although him and his wife do not live together and he says there is no chance whatsoever of them reconciling.

 

Others might disagree, but I was in his place recently, so I'll chime in.

 

Don't take too much into his "inferrence", that's your perception of what he said, not what he actually said. If he never said divorced, then you put it in his mouth. When I was separated from my wife, I sometimes exaggerated the amount of time we had been apart, but, and I can only speak for myself, it's because I truly felt removed from her and didn't want to be associated with that chapter of my life anymore. It's natural for someone in this position to "fudge" timelines.

 

As far as the 2 year plan, I don't know. That tells me that he wants to give it an honest chance to go wherever it's going to go. Let's be fair, OP. You may not be there in a week and he can't decide everything based on your presence. Sometimes the bigger picture takes precedence. What if he rushed the divorce, you bailed 3 weeks from now, and then a year later they decide they could have worked it out? Maybe he doesn't want that regret. That doesn't mean this can't work out happily for you, but maybe it won't. Love is a risk.

 

I was with a girl for 8 months... during the entire divorce process with my wife. I really liked the girl. The divorce eventually became final and we broke up 2 weeks later. Now what if I had rushed the divorce for her? How pissed would I be?

 

Your moral dilemma is something you have to come to terms with. If you feel it's wrong, then you need to decide which painful decision to make. That's where no one here can help you.

[MarilynM]

Hi.

 

Perhaps I did not make myself clear. He categorically used the word divorced the very first time I asked him if he was single. Thereafter, he used terms such as split up, left, etc. But that was after positioning it clearly that he was divorced. It was only a matter of weeks later when I asked some casual questions that I discovered he was not divorced. So, I asked, oh how long ago did you get divorced etc and loads of other questions which he sort of gave vague answers to then eventually with a bit of further digging he admitted he was only separated. I had made assumptions based on him telling me he was divorced, that he was being truthful. He says he was not dishonest and that in his mind, he IS divorced as he is separated and the marriage is ended but he just hasn't sorted out legally ending it via the actual divorce process.

 

The two year plan, in his terms, is not for him to see where it will go, it is because he does not want to cite adultery as he says his wife will lose her job (for complicated reasons to do with the affair, which I won't go into here). He has been absolutely clear that he will never take his wife back and the marriage is most definitely dead. So, fudging timelines in this instance isn't acceptable, because if I am looking at waiting another year before he can instigate a divorce then I am not prepared to wait that long. It's either cite adultery and get it over with, to give our relationship a chance, or make me sit around waiting while he stays married, which, frankly isn't on.

 

I have not asked him to rush the divorce for me, but to get closure for himself. But I would certainly like to have a rough idea of correct timescales. You say you would be pissed if you rushed a divorce, but realistically, you should not really have entered a new relationship if you were still married and had ANY prospect of reconciliation with your wife. That's why I believe I am entitled to know this man's intentions with regards to dissolving his marriage, if he is being truthful that the marriage is categorically finished.

 

I would just like some clarity on why someone would be vague about the truth and if people have experience of this, so yes I believe people here CAN help me. For your context, this man has told me that since meeting me, it has made him realise that his marriage was a sham, his wife was using him for years and I am independent and he loves that. Also, he has actually said that he would love to marry me and I would definitely consider that in the future, so neither of us are planning to bail out in a matter of weeks. I did say above, this was going very fast, which is scary but exciting and I definitely know what I want from a relationship, so does he.

[Krytie TV]

So you want a particular response then? Which one?

[Jilly Bean]

MM - I think you kind of answered your own question when you said you felt it was morally wrong to stay with him while he is still legally married, and that you were upset over him being less than dishonest. Anything beyond that is a rationalization, I think. AND, I think now you are rebound girl, anyhow. People need time to heal from a divorce, and it sounds like he is hiding his pain and feelings in his relationship with you.

 

You sound wise, and with a strong moral code. I am sure you will make the right choice.

 

Blessed be...

[Always Wrong]

Sounds like you really want this guy. So wait for him!

[MarilynM]

So you want a particular response then? Which one?

 

No, not at all. Why don't you spend some time explaining why you thought it was morally correct to exaggerate how long you had been split from your ex, knowing that it will set false expectations with a new partner? I would like to explore that, because that is exactly the position I now find myself in.

 

I don't believe I am rebound girl, there have been other women before me, but in any case, the bigger and more important picture is that if someone cannot be completely honest with me from the get go, then there is an instrinsic problem which I need to make a decision about. I have not been dishonest in the slightest, in fact I have gotten some very private and personal stuff on the table right at the beginning in order to be open and honest and set realistic expectations.

[Always Wrong]

You are answering your own question. He was less than honest, which is less than honorable. You sound like you are an honorable person to whom honesty is very important. DUMP HIM!

[Krondore]

I have no idea really if i am right, but if he said he was divorced at first to you, but now you know he isnt, what else has be been lieing about ?

is he having his cake and eating it with cream topping ?

 

I mean t oactualy say your divorced to your new partner ( and it turns out to be a lie ) to me thats one hell of a lie.

Just on that one count i wouldnt trust him.

 

The best thing i can think of if i was in your place , is i would go and see the so called ex wife of his, and see what her side of the story is.

 

(( As there is always 2 sides to every story ))

[D-Lish]

It took my husband and I three years to get the official piece of paper saying we were divorced. SOmetimes I told people I dated I was divorced because 1) it felt like we were, 2) I didn't want people to misconstrue my intentions with them.

 

When you say you are seperated- people often associated that with things not being "final". The truth was that things were final with us, a piece of paper wasn't going to change anything....nor was there chance of a reconciliation.

 

If I may talk a bit about the divorce thing. I had feelings of shame and failure following the break down of my marriage. I didn't like to talk too much to people about the details. Yes, I did tell people I was divorced when it wasn't yet final. Mostly because I wanted it to be done- and it was easier to say.... I also didn't want to get judged.

 

If you have issues dating someone who is seperated- that is something you have to make a choice on. I can only tell you that a piece of paper won't change anything at all in terms of who he is or how he feels about you, her, or anything else. It's just a formality.

 

He may have to remain in contact with the ex and her family. That is just going to be a part of his life... if he has kids- that will never stop.

There is communicating that has to happen to finalize a divorce.

If he is handling his divorce amicably- that actually shows that he is a good guy. If he is bitter and angry about it- then I would see red flags.

 

In terms of it being morally wrong- that's in your belief system. I am not religious so I don't see those things as being a sin. I did have one guy tell me he couldn't introduce me to his parents because I was divorced and they were catholic and wouldn't approve. That judgement hurt a lot. I dumped him pretty fast.

 

I can only sympathize with his situation because I have been there. I had a long term loving relationship with someone prior to my divorce being final- and yes, I still talked to my ex for legal/administrative details. I still see my ex's siblings to this day because we live in the same neighbourhood. It means nothing to me- they are just people i was once close to and am still fond of. I don't love their brother anymore because I talk to them.

 

I hope that helps shed some light on the other perspective for you.

If you think he's worth it- stick with him. If you see red flags, and feel like it's morally reprehensibile to date a seperated man... then you have that choice to move on.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi Marilyn,

 

Where you live, is there some requirement of being separated for two years to get a certain legal grounds put into the record? I haven't heard of that before.

 

For what it's worth, my boyfriend is separated, not yet divorced, from his wife of 11 years. I have decided that I am okay with the situation because I *trust* him - I don't have the slightest qualm that he is leading me on or misleading me with his intentions. We have been together for almost a year and I have met his entire family...who have all been extremely welcoming of me. It is true that I (we) have to wait out the paperwork process, which could take several more months. But again, it's a calculated decision that I have made and am happy with.

 

I don't think anyone on here can advise you on which way to go in your own situation - that's going to come down to your own gut instincts, and what you are willing to take on, and take a risk on. His explanation for why he said he was divorced when he wasn't made some sense to me... but I can also see why it would be troubling to someone else.

 

Basically, I think you have all the information you need to make a decision... it's just that it is a tough call. You could be in for a long, long wait. After dating him (knowing him?) for two months, are you willing to take that on?

[MarilynM]

It took my husband and I three years to get the official piece of paper saying we were divorced. SOmetimes I told people I dated I was divorced because 1) it felt like we were, 2) I didn't want people to misconstrue my intentions with them.

 

When you say you are seperated- people often associated that with things not being "final". The truth was that things were final with us, a piece of paper wasn't going to change anything....nor was there chance of a reconciliation.

 

If you have issues dating someone who is seperated- that is something you have to make a choice on. I can only tell you that a piece of paper won't change anything at all in terms of who he is or how he feels about you, her, or anything else. It's just a formality.

 

He may have to remain in contact with the ex and her family. That is just going to be a part of his life... if he has kids- that will never stop.

There is communicating that has to happen to finalize a divorce.

If he is handling his divorce amicably- that actually shows that he is a good guy. If he is bitter and angry about it- then I would see red flags.

 

In terms of it being morally wrong- that's in your belief system. I am not religious so I don't see those things as being a sin. I did have one guy tell me he couldn't introduce me to his parents because I was divorced and they were catholic and wouldn't approve. That judgement hurt a lot. I dumped him pretty fast.

 

Hi, many thanks for your answer. I do not see the divorce process as just a formality. I see separation as a mechanism to at least try and attempt reconciliation. When people truly want to end a marriage and they have not ties to each other, i.e. no children, there is really no other reason on earth to remain married and not start up a divorce to get proper closure. Unless there are feelings involved here that I do not know about. This is my opinion and this is why the whole situation is bothering me.

 

Also, if him and I got serious, our relationship cannot go anywhere whilst he remains married. It's more than a formality to get divorced, it means that person is properly free to move on. How can I tell my friends and family I am seeing a married man (even if I explain he is separated) they will simply not approve and they will judge me.

 

On the seeing family thing, my new man and his separated wife have no children, do not live near each other and are not in the process of discussing divorce, so there is no reason for them to contact each other unless they are still trying to work things out, which my new partner assures me is not the case. When I suggested one day (after he phoned her and she phoned him back) that he might want to bring up the issue of divorce with her, to help his own closure, he got angry and defensive and did not want to talk to her about it.

 

I really do see quite a few alarm bells here. I do not understand why people think divorce is only a formality. People are still married in law and in the eyes of God without a divorce and therefore are not truly free to start a new relationship, much less lie about their status and mislead a new partner.

 

The two year thing in the UK is, if you do not want to cite adultery as the grounds for divorce, the only other option is waiting two years and using separation and consent OR quote unreasonable behaviour. My new partner claims he does not want to cite adultery, even though his wife cheated on him, as she will lose her job (complex reasons, won't detail them here) so he prefers to wait two years and go for separation. But he told me they had been split for two years now it turns out that it's more likely to be a year. So I would have to wait a year, keep seeing him while he remains married, all the time with that niggling anxiety that they will get back together.

 

Why should I put myself through this? Even though he reassures me again and again that his marriage is over, I deserve to be with someone that is free to love me, with no complications. But life just does not work like that, does it. Sigh.

[sunshinegirl]

I really do see quite a few alarm bells here. I do not understand why people think divorce is only a formality. People are still married in law and in the eyes of God without a divorce and therefore are not truly free to start a new relationship, much less lie about their status and mislead a new partner.

 

So break up with him!

[D-Lish]

Well, I'd be pissed too if someone I was newly dating was demanding I get a divorce just to make THEM feel better. That's pushy, and not your call to make.

 

And yes- divorce papers are just a formality for many of us. The whole law and eyes of god thing is your issue- you are the one who has a problem with his circumstance- so if you don't like it - leave!

 

This whole judgemental attitude is clearly your issue. And you can't introduce him to your family because they'd judge him???? That's really wrong to make the assumption someone is a bad person because they don't have an official title. If I were him I'd run away from the lot of ya- there's nothing worse than already feeling bad about the failed marriage and then have people judge you for it.

 

Thinking he still wants a reconciliation with his ex, and having to deal with them still speaking is a different story. It is possible he isn't over it. It's a painful situation to go through. That is what you should be basing your red flags on.

 

If all of these things combined make you unhappy- just walk away.

[MarilynM]

Well, I'd be pissed too if someone I was newly dating was demanding I get a divorce just to make THEM feel better. That's pushy, and not your call to make.

 

Yes of course it's my call. It's not unreasonable for me to expect that after being lied to and told my new partner is divorced, that he rectify matters and actually get divorced. Particularly since he has now said he wants us to get married!!!!

 

And yes- divorce papers are just a formality for many of us. The whole law and eyes of god thing is your issue- you are the one who has a problem with his circumstance- so if you don't like it - leave!

 

No, it's not me that has a problem with his current circumstances, what I have a problem with, is being lied to, then given excuses for why he will not start divorce proceedings, despite him telling me he has never felt for anyone, what he feels for me. How would you feel if you split with your husband but you only separated and he was then off telling other women he was divorced but you wanted to get back together? Would you still see divorce as only a formality then? No, a marriage is still intact until it is dissolved.

 

This whole judgemental attitude is clearly your issue. And you can't introduce him to your family because they'd judge him???? That's really wrong to make the assumption someone is a bad person because they don't have an official title. If I were him I'd run away from the lot of ya- there's nothing worse than already feeling bad about the failed marriage and then have people judge you for it.

 

No, they would judge ME because they would only see that I was going out with a "married" man and they would be right to judge that - until someone is divorced they are still in a marriage and I would NEVER have got involved if I had known the truth from the start. No one said he is a bad person but he should not have lied. No one is judging him for his failed marriage either, you are putting words into my mouth. What this is about is the fundamental failure to tell the truth from the outset and now a further failure to instigate divorce proceedings despite this man saying he wants to spend his life with me. If he wants our relationship to progress, it is not unreasonable for me to expect him to dissolve his marriage and prove to me that he is definitely serious about our relationship and also by divorcing his ex, that the relationship is definitely over and will not be reconciled. Otherwise, if he cannot do this, I am just "the other woman" and THAT is completely wrong, on all counts and for all parties.

 

Thinking he still wants a reconciliation with his ex, and having to deal with them still speaking is a different story. It is possible he isn't over it. It's a painful situation to go through. That is what you should be basing your red flags on.

 

If all of these things combined make you unhappy- just walk away.

 

Precisely. Those are the real red flags, along with the lies and failure to instigate a divorce despite insisting his future is with me. I have made it clear that if he is really serious, then he will instigate divorce proceedings or I'm gone. That is not unreasonable in my view, since this man has pronounced that he will NEVER get back with his ex wife. If anyone thinks my expectations are unreasonable, I would like to hear why, I am not averse to realising when I am in the wrong, if someone can proffer a good enough discussion point.

Edited December 26, 2007 by MarilynM

[Tony6]

Marilyn, I see major "red flags" here. First, he knows as well as you, that separation and divorce are NOT the same thing! Also, he would know the difference between a year and change and two years of separation. Moreover, he is still in contact with her! My advice: Tell him that you will no longer be a part of this relationship until he is divorced. Period. It will take courage and fortitude to follow through on this but I believe that's what you need to do. Be strong. If you are his one and only, then he'll get a divorce to be with you. If not, then you never would have been. Quite frankly, I believe he is hoping to get back with her. I think you know that. So force his hand. And I would also tell him not to wait too long to make his decision! You go, girl!

[StartingOver07]

Hi, many thanks for your answer. I do not see the divorce process as just a formality. I see separation as a mechanism to at least try and attempt reconciliation. When people truly want to end a marriage and they have not ties to each other, i.e. no children, there is really no other reason on earth to remain married and not start up a divorce to get proper closure. Unless there are feelings involved here that I do not know about. This is my opinion and this is why the whole situation is bothering me.

 

This really depends where you live. In my state, a separation agreement is legally binding. It allows you to file your income taxes as single people, etc. In fact, you are single for all intents and purposes. The only thing you can't do is remarry.

 

There are lots of reasons why your bf might prefer to wait the 2 years (and yes, in some states you have to be separated for 2 years if you plan to file on the grounds of "irreconcilable differences" and not for fault). Perhaps he needs to keep her on his health insurance until she can get on her feet. Or perhaps she would not be willing to acknowledge it in court and the costs to "prove" it legally would be too large to consider. Have you asked him why he prefers this option?

 

Also, if him and I got serious, our relationship cannot go anywhere whilst he remains married. It's more than a formality to get divorced, it means that person is properly free to move on. How can I tell my friends and family I am seeing a married man (even if I explain he is separated) they will simply not approve and they will judge me.

 

I think it is possible that he wants to marry you in time, but not necessarily within 2 years of the break-up of his marriage. He may feel this is too soon, so again, he may not feel the same sense of urgency you do vis-a-vis hurrying the divorce. And again, I think you have to consider the emotional toll of a "for cause" divorce. Legally and emotionally, it can be a very different procedure than one for "irreconcilable differences."

 

 

The two year thing in the UK is, if you do not want to cite adultery as the grounds for divorce, the only other option is waiting two years and using separation and consent OR quote unreasonable behaviour. My new partner claims he does not want to cite adultery, even though his wife cheated on him, as she will lose her job (complex reasons, won't detail them here) so he prefers to wait two years and go for separation. But he told me they had been split for two years now it turns out that it's more likely to be a year. So I would have to wait a year, keep seeing him while he remains married, all the time with that niggling anxiety that they will get back together.

 

Honestly, I think you should consider it a positive sign that this man is not vindictive and is willing to wait out the separation rather than make a move that would cost his wife her job.

 

Why should I put myself through this? Even though he reassures me again and again that his marriage is over, I deserve to be with someone that is free to love me, with no complications. But life just does not work like that, does it. Sigh.

 

He is free to love you. He just isn't free to marry you yet. If that's not enough for you, then you should let him go.

[jcster]

I do not see the divorce process as just a formality. I see separation as a mechanism to at least try and attempt reconciliation. When people truly want to end a marriage and they have not ties to each other, i.e. no children, there is really no other reason on earth to remain married and not start up a divorce to get proper closure. Unless there are feelings involved here that I do not know about. This is my opinion and this is why the whole situation is bothering me.

 

My situation was very similar to D-Lish's. It took me and my ex almost 3 years to finalize our divorce. We didn't actually go ahead and push it through until he needed to put his pregnant girlfriend on his insurance. During those 3 years, I told many people that I was divorced. Usually, because they believed much the same thing as what I've quoted above, that delays in divorce come from mixed feelings, and that if someone REALLY wanted a divorce, they would get one right away.

 

Divorce, even an amicable divorce, is a lot of work. There are forms, there are lawyers (even on a no-fault) and there are always feelings of sadness and failure (as well as relief). Our "no-fault" divorce cost over $900 (US). That's a lotta moola just to look good on paper.

 

I can completely understand why your boyfriend isn't rushing into a divorce. Quite frankly, you've only been going out for 2 months - and that really isn't long enough to start issuing ultimatums. You might find that if you push too hard, you're going to find yourself another of his exes. Obviously, he's not in a rush to get married again, so I really think you should be patient - unless you really don't trust him - in which case, you should leave him anyway.

[MarilynM]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Ok, an update. I discussed this again with my boyfriend and said that I was not comfortable with continuing the relationship unless he kicked off divorce proceedings - as he says he has always intended to do, but never got around to it.

 

So, last week, he arranged to meet his wife, I was at his home before he left and he got dressed up and off he went to meet her. He said that he would fill in the divorce petition whilst with her. Later on, he called me and said it went well. They spent approx 3 hours together but he did not fill in the petition because "she didn't want to do it there and then". Also, apparently it was decided not to file for divorce on the grounds of his wife's adultery because "she thought it sounded horrible" so they would go for breakdown of the marriage instead. He also offered to pay all the costs.

 

Him and I were supposed to meet later that evening for a meal. There was no answer from his phone and I could not get hold of him til later in the evening, almost midnight, when he claimed he had fallen asleep. We then arranged to go for a drink and I drove over to his place, on the way he texted to say he had gone out for a snack as he was hungry. When I walked round to where he said he was, he was walking from the opposite direction (and had changed into casual clothes). I said I wasn't sure I believed that he had fallen asleep and that he had been for a snack, where was the receipt? He did not have it. He ALWAYS keeps receipts.

 

I advised him to get legal advice about the financial part of the divorce as he earns a decent salary. He got very angry and defensive and insisted him and his ex could agree it between them and that "they are friends". This is the same woman who he tells me spent all his money for almost a decade and screwed around behind his back and lied straight to his face about it. They have no children and she cheated on him - why would he want to remain friends? We were in a pub at this point and he was shouting at me loudly. When we got outside, he continued shouting and when we got to his home, he threw some things about in the house and said I had made him really angry. I asked why was he angry about me giving him some sound, sensible advice since none of us can predict the future.

 

Later on, I asked once again, why I could not have his landline number at home and said I already knew it anyway. He said he never uses it and would not answer or even look at it if I rung. I said that it wasn't acceptable for me to have no means to contact him at home. Anyway, we had a major row, he stormed upstairs to bed, making it more or less clear that I wasn't welcome. I went upstairs a while later, he was asleep so I woke him and asked if he wanted me to stay or go home. He then started ranting at me again about the divorce stuff and how he didn't need legal advice. When I said yes he did because his wife was clearly untrustworthy, a liar and a cheat, his response was "well she gave a better blowjob than you".

 

I left at that point.

 

I just find this all totally unbelievable, from a man who totally insists he is over his wife, they have been separated for around 2 years and won't get back together. Also now, it seems I am being compared unfavourably to his ex. I really thought we had a future, especially when he said he would sort out the divorce and get everything done properly, then he goes and destroys my confidence by throwing a sexual comparison at me.

 

Would anyone here stay in a relationship with someone that insists on remaining friends with an ex (and her family) that they claimed cheated on them? If his wife really did cheat, why is he protecting her by refusing to file for adultery? Why is he offering to pay? I am beginning to wonder if I have been fed a pack of lies and that he is the cheat and his wife left him.

 

Any comments appreciated.

[serialgf]

I'm sorry to say this but from your original post and your update it sounds like your bf is still in love with his ex-wife. The marriage ended due to HER infidelity and he insists that they are "friends" so he clearly admits to having some sort of emotional attachment to her. That combined with the details in your update about not being available for the evening & the change of clothes just throws up a HUGE red flag. If you want an honest opinion, I would think it is very likely that he slept with his wife (or at least got a BJ from her given his later comment to you) and his guilt about that drove him to blow up at you when you offered him advice. Also, I think his feelings for her caused him to get upset at you when you questioned her character.

 

This man obviously has tons of emotional baggage and it is not fair to yourself to put yourself through the pain this relationship is bound to bring you. And to answer your question, no, I wouldn't stay in this relationship as you've described it. I'd actually consider it over at this point given what transpired. You deserve better - you sound like a nice normal person.

 

Sorry for the hard advice but it sucks to see someone getting hurt like this - oh and that sexual comparison is totally unacceptable and childish - I would have kicked him in the nuts for that one!

[Always Wrong]

This is like smoking in a fireworks factory! It's just a matter of time till you get hurt.

 

This guy doesn't sound very nice to be around when he's losing control, and you are taking control away from him when you think for yourself.

 

Saying things like he said to hurt your feelings is about as juvenile as it gets. Do you really want him telling you what to do, when you already know he's a liar?

 

Now go to a window, open it, stick your head out, and yell, "I'm tired of his cr*p and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

I would just like some clarity on why someone would be vague about the truth

 

um, to get something they couldn't get if they told the real truth?

 

isn't that kind of obvious? that's the same thing as asking why people lie to get things they want. the answer is, people lie to get things they want that they might not get if they told the truth. see what i mean?

 

anyway, if you really feel like it's wrong to date him now, and you still date him, then it shows what you are really about after all, which means you are in a way doing the same thing to us as he is to you. so what do you want from us exactly?

[D-Lish]

If a guy I was with ever told me his ex gave a better blow job then me in the heat of anger... I'd be out the door never to return again.

 

That's just disresepctful and mean.

 

I don't know about your laws- but here, a spouse can file for divorce without the agreement of the other and have it passed.

 

I'd seriously consider moving on, he doesn't sound worthy of your affection for him.

[birdmadgirl]

Oy gevalt! That's terrible, MarilynM! I'm sorry you're in this position. I'm a bit late to the game, I see, but I've sort-of-but-not-really been in your shoes and felt compelled to chime in.

 

I would never try to force my own moral code on others. That said, I am very open about my policy regarding separated men, which is to say that I will not date them. To be perfectly honest, it has less to do with morality and more to do with the fact that I've had my heart ripped out of my chest by a separated man who eventually worked it out with his wife, but I digress. I went on a few dates with a man I met through work who told me initially - in no uncertain terms - that he was divorced, and had been for a few years. By date two, he mentioned something about his "wife," and the alarm bells sounded. It didn't take much prying for me to uncover that the divorce proceedings had begun a few years earlier, but that the works had been halted by a bitter battle over custody of their daughter and the house. I felt uneasy about seeing him again, but reluctantly agreed to do so. Date three never happened because I found out through colleagues that the guy and his wife merely had an open (but loveless) marriage.

 

It is worth mentioning that I am a divorcee. I was married for two short years, during which time my then-husband and I had a beautiful daughter. Then, we realized very soon after that (with much regret, I might add) that we were sh*te as companions. The divorce was amicable and based on irreconcilable differences. Within half a year, it was all over. Because of our daughter, we remain great friends and co-parent very, very well, but there was never any doubt in either of our minds that a relationship would never work. Neither of us dated until the divorce was final.

 

Now, onto your questions. My answers are merely conjecture, mind...

 

Would anyone here stay in a relationship with someone that insists on remaining friends with an ex (and her family) that they claimed cheated on them? If his wife really did cheat, why is he protecting her by refusing to file for adultery? Why is he offering to pay? I am beginning to wonder if I have been fed a pack of lies and that he is the cheat and his wife left him.

 

Suspending for a moment the knowledge of your latest interaction with him, I would personally be a bit suspicious of someone who insisted on remaining so close to someone who had hurt him. I will say that my ex offered to pay for our divorce, but that's because he had the money to do so right then and there, and we both wanted closure and the freedom to pursue our happiness. The refusal to file on grounds of adultery sounds fishy to me, but then again, so does this guy's whole story.

 

I think your intuition is telling you all you need to know, MarilynM. Things seemed to be peachy-keen until you insisted that his situation was making you uncomfortable.

 

I hope things work out for the best for you.