infiniteQuest Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Christmas time is very stressful for my boyfriend because his mom passed away during that time and he regrets shutting her out when he was an idiot teenager who couldn't care less about his relationship with his parents. We have been together for almost 3 years, and he has made all of my Christmases consistently miserable. He typically finds something to make a fight out of, and then just stops answering my phone calls. I understand that he has a very hard time without his mom around, but it makes me equally miserable and I don't think I can deal with this anymore. Last time he did that, he ignored me for 2 months. It was a miracle that we got back together after that, but after the 2-months break everything had been smooth. Until today. We picked a fight over a xmas present, he left slamming the door and ignored my calls for 3 days. He texted me today to wish me a merry Christmas. I just asked for my keys back because I have flashbacks of how miserable I felt when he was ignoring my phone calls last year. I can't be in a relationship with somebody who after 3 years could still just vanish overnight over the stupidest thing. I don't feel safe, thinking that he could just start ignoring my phone calls forever just like he did last year. So, I will meet him to get my house keys tomorrow, and I plan to never call him again. I'm not sure that my question is, I guess I just want a second opinion. Or maybe some advice on how not to break down in tears when I will be faced with his coldness, and how to stick with my plan.. Thanks, and merry Christmas to all, especially those who were reading my other Christmas present thread that got deleted..
Racquel Colette Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Keys are not something you have to meet in person to return. Have him mail them. I know his mom died several years ago, but that is not an excuse for him to treat you this way. He is not worth your time at all. Also, even if you don't get the keys back, no big deal, they aren't that expensive if you get charged for them from the landlord.
Tripper Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Sorry to hear you're struggling, IQ but it's time to dump his @ss for good. I understand the loss of his mother but 3 years later it's time for him to understand that this is a fact of life. And his continuing to make your life miserable at Christmas is very immature on his part. If you must meet with him to get your keys, stick to your guns.. He's not worth going through this every year. Find yourself a man that has the maturity and compassion to be supportive and not run over some manufactured argument.
Author infiniteQuest Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 Any advice on how to stick to my guns?
Krytie TV Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I'll just say that I think you've made a great and difficult decision. Very often we overlook glaring things like this for the sake of "love", when we're probably not sure why we love a person that can behave in that way. He's hurt, fine, I'll give him that. But if he's ever going to be a big boy, he needs to do his part to work through his pain. That's not your job, and as long as he does nothing about it, it shouldn't be your deal either. Proud of you IQ. Hold tight. You are doing the right thing.
Author infiniteQuest Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 It's not even the "working on his pain" part that's the most important to me (right now at this moment, i'm not asking him to fix it right away).. It's that he should at least let me know that something is troubling him, ask for time alone if he needs it, instead of just disappearing and making me feel like it's my fault. I don't deserve this. We're supposed to be a team, he's not supposed to shut me out and leave me alone agonizing over this, wondering when will he pick up the phone, if ever.
Tripper Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Any advice on how to stick to my guns? IQ, I would pick a public place like a coffee shop and have an excuse ready so that you can take the keys, say "see ya later" and tell him you're already late for an appointment. In other words keep it short and impersonal. You don't want any emotional discussion from him about this. You simply want to get your keys. If he wants to chat tell him to call you in a couple of weeks when you've had time to regain your balance.That's the easy part. Before you walk in the door, stop and remember the emotional pain he's caused you for the last 3 years. How his immaturity has caused you to have a crappy time at Christmas. And how he simply disappears and maybe reappears on his schedule without any consideration for your feelings or what you've had to go through. A brand new year is coming and you want to start it off with a new outlook on life. Just remember not you or anyone else deserves the abuse he's tossed your way. You are better than that. Hope this helps... keep us posted..
sally4sara Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 If the way he treated his mom when he had her in his life has given him issues now that she is dead and he cannot make it up to her, how smart is he to treat you poorly instead of good while he has you in his life? See what he is doing here is being subconsciously fearful that he will loose chances with someone he cares about again. Until he realizes what he is doing, it with keep manifesting as a self fulfilling fear. He isn't so much afraid of the loss of someone he cares about so much as the unabsolvable guilt that comes with any mistakes he may make with them before they go. His guilt is how he identifies himself now. The guilty son, no good and no chance to do right by them under the judgement he has passed on himself. Till he can forgive himself, I'm afraid he won't be able to do right by anyone.
Author infiniteQuest Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Before you walk in the door, stop and remember the emotional pain he's caused you for the last 3 years. How his immaturity has caused you to have a crappy time at Christmas. And how he simply disappears and maybe reappears on his schedule without any consideration for your feelings or what you've had to go through. A brand new year is coming and you want to start it off with a new outlook on life. Just remember not you or anyone else deserves the abuse he's tossed your way. You are better than that. Hope this helps... keep us posted.. It is true, I have to remember this. I have to be firm, because I am likely to change my mind seeing as how sensitive I am to his problems.. To me he will always be a good person, who's just messed up in the head...
Author infiniteQuest Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 If the way he treated his mom when he had her in his life has given him issues now that she is dead and he cannot make it up to her, how smart is he to treat you poorly instead of good while he has you in his life? See what he is doing here is being subconsciously fearful that he will loose chances with someone he cares about again. Until he realizes what he is doing, it with keep manifesting as a self fulfilling fear. He isn't so much afraid of the loss of someone he cares about so much as the unabsolvable guilt that comes with any mistakes he may make with them before they go. His guilt is how he identifies himself now. The guilty son, no good and no chance to do right by them under the judgement he has passed on himself. Till he can forgive himself, I'm afraid he won't be able to do right by anyone. What you just wrote is extremely deep.. I think one couldn't have better described him/our relationship. So what do you think my best move should be? Let him solve this on his own?
Tripper Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 It is true, I have to remember this. I have to be firm, because I am likely to change my mind seeing as how sensitive I am to his problems.. To me he will always be a good person, who's just messed up in the head... He may be a good person, IQ, but he won't change unless and until HE gets tired of living that way and wants to. If you change your mind and take him back you enable him to continue living and acting in this fashion, without consequences for his actions and the pain he causes you.
sally4sara Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 What you just wrote is extremely deep.. I think one couldn't have better described him/our relationship. So what do you think my best move should be? Let him solve this on his own? I don't know what to do with him. You could try explaining to him what he is doing. Ultimately though, he needs to understand that our lives are a series of good and bad acts. One mistake or even a handful of them don't completely define who we are or all we can be. He isn't religious is he? If he were in anyway he might have some belief structure that comforted him. There would be some big dude in the sky that could forgive him or he could be assured that his mom lived on and knew his regret and forgive him. He needs to grow up. The things he did as a snot nosed kid are just part of an immature phase. You learn from it and try harder with your other relationships. His acts with his mom make him a bad person? Then why not pay respect for what is lost by trying to live now as a better man?
Author infiniteQuest Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Well I've met him today to get my keys back. I did something immature too, I put some of the previous gifts that he had given me in the past in a bag, and gave it to him before running off to my car. I said "here, see how much it hurts to have your gift given back to you". That has to do with another thread of mine that's been deleted. Well he insisted on getting into my car to talk for a bit. He asked me why I gave this stuff back to him. I told him that he was ignoring my calls and I couldn't take it anymore. And then he pretty much made it seem like the whole fight was my fault. He usually just apologizes when I get upset. Instead this time I get the feeling that because it's xmas season and he hates it, well he just decided to use this excuse so that he could be left alone. Anyway, he said he had been very sick for the past 4 days so he couldn't stay and talk, and he had to get back home and sleep. He said we'll talk later. I don't care if he makes it look as if it's my fault, I don't even care if I had to apologize for whatever I had done wrong and he doesn't apologize about his part. What I really care about is that I don't find myself in a relationship where he choses when he's around and when he isn't! I've let it slide in the past, but after 3 years of dating, ignored phone calls are a real deal breaker this time.
Tripper Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Well I've met him today to get my keys back. I did something immature too, I put some of the previous gifts that he had given me in the past in a bag, and gave it to him before running off to my car. I said "here, see how much it hurts to have your gift given back to you". That has to do with another thread of mine that's been deleted. It may have been immature, IQ, but when you're hurt there are times you want to lash out and hurt back. Is it the right thing?? Probably not but it's done so don't beat yourself up about it. I told him that he was ignoring my calls and I couldn't take it anymore. And then he pretty much made it seem like the whole fight was my fault. He usually just apologizes when I get upset. Instead this time I get the feeling that because it's xmas season and he hates it, well he just decided to use this excuse so that he could be left alone. I don't care if he makes it look as if it's my fault, I don't even care if I had to apologize for whatever I had done wrong and he doesn't apologize about his part. What I really care about is that I don't find myself in a relationship where he choses when he's around and when he isn't! I've let it slide in the past, but after 3 years of dating, ignored phone calls are a real deal breaker this time. This is a very good picture of the status quo. He apologizes on his terms, calls you on his terms, decides when and when not to see you on his terms.. He sounds very immature, self centered and selfish. He definitely doesn't treat you well. I hope you find the strength to end it. You are worth more than this shabby treatment.
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