James912 Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Its sad that at this time of year I have to feel this way. But so many things just are not right. You see my wife is hooked on the internet, this site called pogo, and she damn near lives on there. She acts and talks like the people on there are her best friends ever. So after looking over the site I asked her to send me a guest pass for there and after some time she did. After I learned the ropes of the site I found out who most of her friends are. It turns out that a few of them are guys, which in itself is not bad really, but 1 or 2 of them she talks to alot on messenger and I just found out, the phone. You see for about a year or more, I cant believe its been that long, me and my wife has not had sex, hell she wont even touch me while Iam naked. And I find out that she talks to these guys about sex and what she likes to do and have done to her and they go on for hours just chatting, its mostly oral sex stuff, oral sex had always fascinated her. Some of the chats I have seen I can hardly believe they come from her, not sure if I should talk about it here, and yes she keeps chat logs and its easy to see what she it writing when Iam the one that maintains her pc. Iam not sure what to do or say, when I do say something she acts like all this is no big deal. But one day while working on her pc I found an old chat log and in it she made a promise to this guy that she would maybe meet one day and assured him that she has not been touched by me in a long time and that she had no plan to. That really threw me. She goes into great detail with these guys and leaves me out in the cold so often. She used to be so different and now the person I met I feel is lost or gone. She says she loves me but Iam not sure what to believe anymore. Theres so much lies and hiding and sneaking Iam not sure what to do or say or think. And as far as I know she has not met any of these people she chats with. So is this "real" cheating? Somehow I think so. I could go on about how we used to be but I bet its the same story all around lol. I just dont know what to do. And now its Christmas, again and Iam alone everyone is in bed finally and this has been heavy on my mind for some time and I found this place I just had to blurt all this out before I go freaking mad. Merry Christmas? Not for some time.
T L Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Hi James, sorry for what you are going through. It seems to be the standard advice on here, but would your wife go to couples counceling with you? It may help get any underlying issues out in the open so they can then be worked on. Is the lack of sex in your relationship something that you have tried to address before? If you are unhappy with the nature of the web chats, and you have every right to be, but your W continues with the behaviour, knowing its hurting you and the relationship, then this needs to be addressed. Problems like this dont just go away, you are going to have to be proactive, educate yourself by reading everything you can on here, maybe go to individual counceling, and Im sure those wiser than me will weigh in with some good advice. Best wishes.
Tripper Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 a) You see my wife is hooked on the internet, b )but 1 or 2 of them she talks to alot on messenger and I just found out, the phone. c) You see for about a year or more, I cant believe its been that long, me and my wife has not had sex, d) And I find out that she talks to these guys about sex and what she likes to do and have done to her and they go on for hours just chatting, its mostly oral sex stuff, e) found an old chat log and in it she made a promise to this guy that she would maybe meet one day and assured him that she has not been touched by me in a long time and that she had no plan to. f) Theres so much lies and hiding and sneaking Iam not sure what to do or say or think. So is this "real" cheating? Hello James, I'm sorry you are going through this, particularly at this time of the year. From you post there the above things leaped out at me as red flags. You have some very real issues to deal with. Her behaviour is totally inappropriate!!! She may or may not be cheating physically, but she is certainly cheating emotionally. AND she is cheating you of emotional and physical intimacy. You need to deal with this sooner rather than later. Have you discussed this with her?? Confronted her and asked her why she is doing this?? She may claim to love you but her actions do not match her words. She may be unhappy or feeling unfulfilled in her M or her life, but this does not excuse her actions. You need to tell her that her behaviour is causing you grief and misery and have a very serious discussion about your M. If she doesn't want to do this with you, suggest that you do it in marriage counseling. If she still doesn't want to open up, perhaps you should get individual counseling/therapy to help you deal with this. My own opinion is that something is seriously wrong and that unless some work is put into the M, this is the beginning of the road to divorce. While painful as that may sound, you are entitled to be treated better than this.
Bryanp Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would have been so accepting of this behavior as you? Your wife is humiliating and disrespecting you and your marriage. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. At this points her actions indicate that she has little or no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
ElvenPriestess Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I don't understand why there has been no sex for so long. Is there some particular reason for that? Just wondering. Either way, the fact that she's talking to these people the way she is, not so much the topic, is a real problem. I can talk to a friend and say "You know, we just don't ever have sex, and I miss so many things, I just wish we'd be intimate again." And so on. But to tell someone BEHIND your back that she'll meet him, and ASSURES him that you haven't had sex? Yes, that is a HUGE red flag. It seems that the intent is there, the thought, if nothing else. And even if she has not yet or ever will TOUCH someone physically, it can still be cheating. Emotionally attaching, or lusting after someone and wanting sex with them, etc., is lusting and cheating in the heart. It is in clear violation of you and your marriage. You can't trust her. Plain and simple. Either she comes clean about EVERYTHING, gets away from all that stuff, and agrees to build the trust back and hash it out, or you're looking at a dead end road.
MrsHellnoFire Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 To me it sounds like she is on the road to becoming a real cheat. Her first step in making contacts will give her the confidence and need to go further. She obviously is still very sexual, but just does not want that part of her life shared with you. WHY?
Author James912 Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 I really dont think she will go for counseling of any type. And as far as asking her about this stuff, I have. Somehow it always gets turned around and twisted. I told her I didnt mind her having friends on that site I really didnt. And as far as us not having sex, ya know Iam not to sure, one day it was just over and when I bring it up the answer is always no or many or reasons why we cant. And she is or was a very sexual person. Like I said she has always had a fascination with sex and oral sex especially. I dont feel I have changed, I look the same I am over weight so I know its not that. I keep myself clean,I work daily I still do the same things around the house I used to do. She was always out going, we used to go to the beach together where she would lay out topless, now Iam mostly left out of them days during the summer and am left out of many other things also. We used to talk alot, now when I ask questions or try to talk Iam accused of digging for info or other things. I can come home from work and there can be silence in the house all night now, unless I say something mostly nothing is said. Today she went to her families and I went to mine, which is also new, we would do one then the others. Her chat logs from last night and today still show more of the same convos as I talked about even on Xmas. The other day I kinda tried to test her, to see if she would talk to me about sex or oral sex, as soon as I brought up oral she shut up. So why talk to others about it? I dont get it.. So thats where things are. I will try to bring up for us to go seek help and see what she says. Maybe she will shock me and agree. Who knows at this point. Thanks guys for all the advice, lets see where this goes now. Merry Christmas.
LakesideDream Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 James. My opinion for what it's worth. Your Wife has become completely enthrawled in and addicted to a fantasy. Her sexual needs are being met online by her "chat buddies". My guess is that her buddies and her get all worked up online and they masturbate together while they chat or on the telephone. It's pretty much an impossiblity to compete with a fantasy. Her online buddies are everything she wants her "perfect" lover to be. The reality is that they are problably 50 years old, fat, bald, and only semi-functional sexually. They wouldn't be spending their lives "chatting" if they had relationships in their lives. Is she "cheating"? That's not the question. The fact is she's addicted to an unreal fantasy world. That can be much worse. In that world there is nothing for you to confront. Again, IMO your only chance of saving your relationship is find a lawyer and begin divorce preceedings, you can even do it yourself if you are bright, and interested in legal things. Up to this point, just talking to her hasn't had any positive effect. Drastic measures may be necessary at this point. At first, your goal may be to shock your wife into realizing what's at stake, and what she's doing. Bring her to her senses. Her fantasy lovers aren't putting a roof over her head, paying for the lights (and internet) or mowing the lawn. Maybe just maybe she isn't willing to trust them to come to her rescue "in real life". If that fails, you are already a leg up on legally dissolving your former marriage. Unfortunetely you have given her control of your life. That's a bit curious as she isn't even in control of her own life. She's addicted to sexual fantasy with online lovers. Especially disturbing is that she "saves herself" for her electronic partners. That may be pathilogical. I'm no professional however what I've read on the subject of online fantasy suggests it. You need to establish control of your own life. As of now you are completely out of control and in a hopeless or nearly hopeless situation. You need to make something happen and quickly. God speed to you sir,
Mr. Lucky Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Its sad that at this time of year I have to feel this way. But so many things just are not right. How long have the two of you been married? Any kids? I'm just curious what's keeping your wife in the marriage since she doesn't seem to have much vested in her relationship with you... Mr. Lucky
Bryanp Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 I agree with Lakeside Dreams and Mr. Lucky. If she is unwilling to go to marriage counseling then it is time to consider finding an attorney and looking into a divorce. Why would you wish to stay in a marriage where there is no intimacy and she engages in fantasy sex with other men on the internet. Again her actions indicate that she has no respect for you. Why would she respect a husband who would put up with such humiliation and disrespect from a spouse? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She will not even spend XMAS with you. It is time for you to open your eyes. Enough is enough!
Author James912 Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Thanks everyone I shall think on this but I think yer all right. We have been married for about 10 yrs now. One child. I didnt get a chance to even bring up going to see anyone yet as she was not home when I got home from work. And I feel that her staying must have something to do with my job I make decent money and we live pretty good. Thats got to be it.
bish Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 James912...is this "real" cheating? You bet it is! She would have sex with this guy if she had the chance. Your wife's behavior is absolutely inappropriate and she is definitely NOT trustworthy. Do you have kids together? If not, you might consider getting rid of her. Nobody needs someone like that to worry about. Your "wife" WILL cheat if given the opportunity. I'd show her the chat log, then ask her to get out.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 I also agree things are in really bad shape, she has withdrawn herself and she's now focusing on her needs. I'm not sure how you got there, but I can relate to this scenario as my EX withdrew for having sex for anywhere from 6 to 8 months at a time. From my experience, when this happens the woman is (could be a man too) will actually be turned off by having sex with their partner, and ultimately it will likely lead to an affair or some form of cheating. Do something now, if you put it off you are only going to worsen the problem. Good luck,
Mr. Lucky Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 We have been married for about 10 yrs now. One child. I didnt get a chance to even bring up going to see anyone yet as she was not home when I got home from work. And I feel that her staying must have something to do with my job I make decent money and we live pretty good. Thats got to be it. Up to you to decide if you want be the checkbook that underwrites her chosen lifestyle - which, by the way, doesn't seem to include you ! You can be the "nice, understanding" guy, trying to "work on his marriage" or you can stop enabling her cheating behavior. Your choice. Were it me, I'd be packing her stuff and changing the locks... Mr. Lucky
Sleeplesstoo Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Its sad that at this time of year I have to feel this way. But so many things just are not right. You see my wife is hooked on the internet, this site called pogo, and she damn near lives on there. She acts and talks like the people on there are her best friends ever. So after looking over the site I asked her to send me a guest pass for there and after some time she did. After I learned the ropes of the site I found out who most of her friends are. It turns out that a few of them are guys, which in itself is not bad really, but 1 or 2 of them she talks to alot on messenger and I just found out, the phone. You see for about a year or more, I cant believe its been that long, me and my wife has not had sex, hell she wont even touch me while Iam naked. And I find out that she talks to these guys about sex and what she likes to do and have done to her and they go on for hours just chatting, its mostly oral sex stuff, oral sex had always fascinated her. Some of the chats I have seen I can hardly believe they come from her, not sure if I should talk about it here, and yes she keeps chat logs and its easy to see what she it writing when Iam the one that maintains her pc. Iam not sure what to do or say, when I do say something she acts like all this is no big deal. But one day while working on her pc I found an old chat log and in it she made a promise to this guy that she would maybe meet one day and assured him that she has not been touched by me in a long time and that she had no plan to. That really threw me. She goes into great detail with these guys and leaves me out in the cold so often. She used to be so different and now the person I met I feel is lost or gone. She says she loves me but Iam not sure what to believe anymore. Theres so much lies and hiding and sneaking Iam not sure what to do or say or think. And as far as I know she has not met any of these people she chats with. So is this "real" cheating? Somehow I think so. I could go on about how we used to be but I bet its the same story all around lol. I just dont know what to do. And now its Christmas, again and Iam alone everyone is in bed finally and this has been heavy on my mind for some time and I found this place I just had to blurt all this out before I go freaking mad. Merry Christmas? Not for some time. Well James you seem to be talking to mostly men here so here is my perspective. I have recently split from an online affair. Mine was an affair of the heart and while it had some sexual components it was more about the "soulmate" kind of thing. It was wrong and it's over and my DH and I are working on rebuilding in the wake and in my case it was a blessing in disguise. Is it cheating, I would have to say yes, but in her case since there are multiple partners involved I would say that it is more in keeping with a physical affair even though it is online. In one of my posts my emotional affair (EA) was something that I likened to emotional masturbation in that you really play a double role because a lot of what goes on is really in your mind and it is a fantasy. James you cannot hope to compete with that, no man can. IT IS NOT REAL, AND IT IS NOT BASED IN REALITY. What is in our minds is always better than reality. As I have said, I do not have an addictive personality, no booze, no cigarettes, not drugs, but OH BABY was I addicted to my cyberlover. As I said even though my situation was mostly emotional it was seductive, very, very seductive. So if your wife is fascinated by the "sexual delights" of life then I can imagine for her it is truly a "walk on the wild side". I am not one to cast stones and I am certainly no one to talk in view of my recent history, but I have to say the "multiple partners" thing seems a little "loose" to me even for a cheater. It may be indicative of the fact that this is truly "one big fantasy trip" for her and truly more of a physical experience than an emotional one that she has become truly addicted to. The internet is a scary place and I think we are only just beginning to understand it's implications when it comes to human relationships and how magnified they can become in this environment. The fact that someone can remain anonymous is a huge factor in how quickly people seem to bond. It's easy to give up a lot about yourself to a faceless not judgemental keyboard. So James that is my perspective on things as a woman, and as an "internet cheater". I hope it helps! Best to you. One more thing, has she ever cheated on you in the past?
cj1988 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I agree you cannot compete with an EA and the mind. It is the perect lover in every way and a way for the cheater to believe in their own mond it is NOT cheating. I believe my H was or is the same way. He was a very sexual person and wanted it more than I did for a long time. I did not want to make love to him a lot because of some of our issues, but mostly mine. I had intimacy issues from my past and he paid the price, now iour marriage is over and we are paying the price. After such on-line or phone intimacy they seem to see the S differently, maybe like you are not what I want anymore or never have been, so they have a hard time getting turned on no matter what you look like. I am an attractive woman, a lot more attractive than the OW he was obessesed with for a while, so you see it is all in the mind. I find it now, although my soon to be EX does not, a blessing in disguise. I believe he thought he was innocent, but at the same time somehoe felt he finally foound his soulmate in someone else. So, whatever he felt more all these years does not compare to his FALSE reality and fantasy. That is why he could not never bouce back even after the EA ended. So, you see it is not about you, it is about them. I am just glad that I am able to move on now, he cannot. He is stuck with his shame, guilt and now without me, not what he entended to do. All I want for him now is to move on and find happiness and to be aware that TRUE love is not about fantasy, but about the heart. My soulmate is still out there and I will find that person one day and know what it really means. Just hang in there and look at yourself right now and what you want, do you want someone like her, that can do this to you. I thought I could do that, but I could not ! I deserve better and so do you, this is HER issue not yours. I sat back and let my H make me feel bad about what HE did for a year, as soon as I stood up to him and said " You f--- suck, I want out" he freaked out and I was SPECIAL again. Guess what, to f----- bad ! Too late, I do not need him now and it feels AWESOME !
Author James912 Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 I agree you cannot compete with an EA and the mind. It is the perect lover in every way and a way for the cheater to believe in their own mond it is NOT cheating. I believe my H was or is the same way. He was a very sexual person and wanted it more than I did for a long time. I did not want to make love to him a lot because of some of our issues, but mostly mine. I had intimacy issues from my past and he paid the price, now iour marriage is over and we are paying the price. After such on-line or phone intimacy they seem to see the S differently, maybe like you are not what I want anymore or never have been, so they have a hard time getting turned on no matter what you look like. I am an attractive woman, a lot more attractive than the OW he was obessesed with for a while, so you see it is all in the mind. I find it now, although my soon to be EX does not, a blessing in disguise. I believe he thought he was innocent, but at the same time somehoe felt he finally foound his soulmate in someone else. So, whatever he felt more all these years does not compare to his FALSE reality and fantasy. That is why he could not never bouce back even after the EA ended. So, you see it is not about you, it is about them. I am just glad that I am able to move on now, he cannot. He is stuck with his shame, guilt and now without me, not what he entended to do. All I want for him now is to move on and find happiness and to be aware that TRUE love is not about fantasy, but about the heart. My soulmate is still out there and I will find that person one day and know what it really means. Just hang in there and look at yourself right now and what you want, do you want someone like her, that can do this to you. I thought I could do that, but I could not ! I deserve better and so do you, this is HER issue not yours. I sat back and let my H make me feel bad about what HE did for a year, as soon as I stood up to him and said " You f--- suck, I want out" he freaked out and I was SPECIAL again. Guess what, to f----- bad ! Too late, I do not need him now and it feels AWESOME ! Thanks so much, very good advice. And you know what, Iam gonna take it. Your right, I dont need this ****, pardon my mouth, it seem things I did wasnt enough and Iam not gonna even try anymore to compete with this internet for her love. After all the trips and many many other things I bought for her. I want my money back. This sucks to think years spent are all wasted now. Years I will never get back. Time to make new memories it seems. Now just to let her know, again another day home from work and another days she is off doing god knows what. She didnt get home yesterday till I was sleeping and then spent the night on the damn internet.
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