dreaming4ever Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I really don't get the whole sex-in-the-city scenario where it's perfectly normal and acceptable now to go on a first date with someone and end up in their bed that night. Is it just me that would never do something like that?? Even going too far with someone on a first or second date leaves me feeling gross and kind of used so how can others do this regularly and seem to enjoy it?? I would much rather get to know someone so that when I kiss them for the first time, there's actually powerful feelings behind the kiss instead of just lust. I'm not talking about waiting a long time, but at least until the second date or the end of the first. And then waiting a while before sex....like until you're in love. The reason this is such an issue for me is because it's extremely hard when dating for me to find a guy who has the same attitude as me. It seems like they all intend on us getting naked the first or second night and they don't even feel ashamed for thinking that's how the night will logically end up. Isn't there others that feel the way that I do? And how do I find such guys? (please don't say at church...I don't go to church)....it's just such a hassle to put some effort into a date and talk to a guy on the phone and stuff and then you find out on the first or second date that he's trying to go further than you want to go......it just makes me feel like all they're interested in is one thing, my body. Which makes me feel horrible about them....how do other girls deal with this?? I just want to get to know someone and take things slow....why is that made to seem so wrong these days?
Krytie TV Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I'm with you. But sometimes we're told that if we don't step up to the plate we're boring and blah blah blah. It's tough to find that equal... I know.
Nemo Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I would much rather get to know someone so that when I kiss them for the first time, there's actually powerful feelings behind the kiss instead of just lust. I'm not talking about waiting a long time, but at least until the second date or the end of the first. The end of the first date?! What on Earth are you going to do to pad the rest of it out?? Come on, be realistic. The reason this is such an issue for me is because it's extremely hard when dating for me to find a guy who has the same attitude as me.That's because you're overlooking one important factor: it's a guy. They think with their penises. They would probably do everything with their penises, if they were sufficiently versatile. Fortunately, they were only born with one of them.
Legend Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 The end of the first date?! What on Earth are you going to do to pad the rest of it out?? Come on, be realistic. That's because you're overlooking one important factor: it's a guy. They think with their penises. They would probably do everything with their penises, if they were sufficiently versatile. Fortunately, they were only born with one of them. False, nemo.
Author dreaming4ever Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 Rule of thumb? Well any guy who would have to have sex with me in 4 dates or else he would leave isn't worth it anyways.... And sorry, I think that "you can't blame guys, they think with their penises" excuse is a load of crap. Not all guys are like that....I'm just saying, where the hell do you find the ones that aren't?
Nemo Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 False, nemo. One of the best counter-arguments I have seen for a long, long while. You picked me to pieces, dude. I submit.
Nemo Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 , I think that "you can't blame guys, they think with their penises" excuse is a load of crap. Not all guys are like that....I'm just saying, where the hell do you find the ones that aren't? They're probably impotent.
Author dreaming4ever Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 I am being serious about this and I would appreciate it if others would only respond to my post if they are truly trying to be helpful....not joking around.
Legend Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/483318927.html ^ read that Dreaming4ever it's an excellent post about what happened to nice guys... so true too
Author dreaming4ever Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 That's not true of ALL nice guys.....my ex was actually a "nice guy" and I adored that about him and things were going great and then he completely changed so he wasn't a nice guy at all anymore and THAT is when I fell out of love with him so.....that story doesn't really apply to me. I know how to appreciate someone amazing.....I'm not looking for perfection.
spookie Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 (edited) It's not just you. I have nothing that vaguley resembles "morals" but the way I feel about physical intimacy with someone I barely know is that it insults my intelligence. Cause you have to at least *like* whoever you're fvkcing to not just be using them for self-serving purposes, and it takes a while knowing someone to have an opinion regarding that one way or the other. So, when a guy tries to pull the moves on me on the first date, I know that: 1. I'm being used (which kills the mood) and that 2. He thinks he's got me duped (which is insulting) For some reason, though, whenever I explain that I'm just not drunk enough to whoever's leaning in to plant one on my mouth, he is offended. Edited December 25, 2007 by spookie
Author dreaming4ever Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 Thank you spookie! That's exactly how I feel...so what is the solution? This one guy that I was excited to go out with recently is a friend of mine and we were talking about things and I told him that I ideally do not want to sleep with someone until I'm in love with them or at least know for sure I want to be with them for a while. And you know what he said? He said he was talking to a girl at the moment so since he would have to "wait" for me (as in for sex), I should have no problem "waiting" for him (as in until he's done doing whatever he feels like doing with this girl.) Like wtf.....that's disgusting! Like, I'm supposed to feel guilty for "making him wait"......man.....very frustrating. Needless to say, my opinion of this guy has completely changed and nothing is going to happen. I guess it's better to find out he's like that now rather than later once my feelings are more involved....
spookie Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Thank you spookie! That's exactly how I feel...so what is the solution? This one guy that I was excited to go out with recently is a friend of mine and we were talking about things and I told him that I ideally do not want to sleep with someone until I'm in love with them or at least know for sure I want to be with them for a while. And you know what he said? He said he was talking to a girl at the moment so since he would have to "wait" for me (as in for sex), I should have no problem "waiting" for him (as in until he's done doing whatever he feels like doing with this girl.) Like wtf.....that's disgusting! Like, I'm supposed to feel guilty for "making him wait"......man.....very frustrating. Needless to say, my opinion of this guy has completely changed and nothing is going to happen. I guess it's better to find out he's like that now rather than later once my feelings are more involved.... That's lame. If he'd cared about you romantically, he would never have said that. Sounds to me like your "friend" wanted to arrange a FWB thing with you.
paddy1971 Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Hi dreaming4ever I'm a guy and am just as confused as you! There is so much pressure from people givng dating advice that you should kiss by the end of the first date or have sex by the third date otherwise there is no future to it. I've been out with a girl a couple of times recently and although we haven't kissed, we've had a great time and seem to have a connection and a lot in common. But since we haven't followed the rules, am I a loser and have no chance with her, or am I doing the right thing? I think a lot of advice given to guys is from guys themselves, whereas I would trust the advice from a woman much more. There are nice guys out there (I think I am one of them) and I'd rather wait and not play these stupid mind games. Merry Christmas!
Florida Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 That just means he is not the right guy for you. Throw him out, keep throwing anyone out who tries that so early. It also means they don't see you seriously, as I've heard on information forums that many guys would wait and not pressure if they felt relationship potential was there. So the decision is quite easy-then they are just not the ones for you! *plop* back in the water throw
lino Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 OP, you're clearly going out with the wrong guys I think. Better ones could be anywhere, just make sure when you find one you don't pass him up! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/483318927.html ^ read that Dreaming4ever it's an excellent post about what happened to nice guys... so true too I don't agree much with that post. If a guy isn't pursuing a girl as more than a friend then of course it'll be hard for him to get anywhere, no matter how nice he is or not. It's the nice guys that do get involved with women only to get thrown away for f*ckwits that get the raw deal. I know this because I was such a guy
Always Wrong Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 It's not wrong. There just aren't very many people who aren't influenced by the main stream media. The media makes it seem to be normal behavior. You have morals. Finding a guy with morals these days is going to be tough.
mistieyed Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I really don't get the whole sex-in-the-city scenario where it's perfectly normal and acceptable now to go on a first date with someone and end up in their bed that night. Is it just me that would never do something like that?? Even going too far with someone on a first or second date leaves me feeling gross and kind of used so how can others do this regularly and seem to enjoy it?? I would much rather get to know someone so that when I kiss them for the first time, there's actually powerful feelings behind the kiss instead of just lust. I'm not talking about waiting a long time, but at least until the second date or the end of the first. And then waiting a while before sex....like until you're in love. The reason this is such an issue for me is because it's extremely hard when dating for me to find a guy who has the same attitude as me. It seems like they all intend on us getting naked the first or second night and they don't even feel ashamed for thinking that's how the night will logically end up. Isn't there others that feel the way that I do? And how do I find such guys? (please don't say at church...I don't go to church)....it's just such a hassle to put some effort into a date and talk to a guy on the phone and stuff and then you find out on the first or second date that he's trying to go further than you want to go......it just makes me feel like all they're interested in is one thing, my body. Which makes me feel horrible about them....how do other girls deal with this?? I just want to get to know someone and take things slow....why is that made to seem so wrong these days? i feel the same way about going slow - you are not alone. stand true to what you believe, it will be worth it when you do find someone you want to be with.
dunstable Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Everyone's different. You can't generalize. I don't know how old you are. My relatively recent experience relates to the over 40's. I've found that women above 40 are generally very happy to have sex sometime between date 1 and date 5, with sex happening in the majority of cases on date 2 or 3. I think this is because most women nowadays in that age group think it OK to have sex with someone they like even if they have no idea whether or not they will eventually love them. In most cases, they've had many sexual partners already and they don't feel used (any more than they feel that they have used the man) if sex happens but a relationship does not develop. Of course, falling in love generally takes a lot longer than 5 dates. I can appreciate that some women feel the need to be in love before having sex, though I don't believe I have ever met such a woman myself. I have met some who profess love on the first or second date but think that is a way to make themselves comfortable about having sex so early on. I would express a note of caution: a man who wants a woman to love him before having sex with him may have feelings of sexual inadequacy - he tries to get the woman emotionally committed before revealing to her what he secretly believes to be his sexual weakness.
Author dreaming4ever Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 paddy1971, No I don't think you've blown your chance with the girl you've been seeing. Although hopefully she's thinking of you as more than a friend because sometimes in those situations, if she hasn't leaned in for a kiss yet she doesn't think of you that way. But hopefully that's not true in your case. I'm glad to see there's at least some other people that think like me out there and no, I'm definitely not going to date that guy I mentionned. A friend of mine told me they think he always seems like he's up to something anyways so yeah...not a good plan. I'm sure I'll find someone nice in time...oh and I'm 28 btw.
phoensam Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Hi dreaming4ever I'm a guy and am just as confused as you! There is so much pressure from people givng dating advice that you should kiss by the end of the first date or have sex by the third date otherwise there is no future to it. I've been out with a girl a couple of times recently and although we haven't kissed, we've had a great time and seem to have a connection and a lot in common. But since we haven't followed the rules, am I a loser and have no chance with her, or am I doing the right thing? I think a lot of advice given to guys is from guys themselves, whereas I would trust the advice from a woman much more. There are nice guys out there (I think I am one of them) and I'd rather wait and not play these stupid mind games. Merry Christmas! Hi, You ask whether you are doing the right thing for not pushing too hard too fast with this woman you like, and as a woman, I say ABSOLUTELY. There are a lot of women on here that seem to have men wanting to use them for sex alot, but in my experience there are also lots of guys out there like you. I like when a guy behaves like you are, it shows me they respect me, they are not taking anything for granted, and they are in for the long haul. Just make sure you don't leave it so long that she starts to wonder if you are attracted to her. Usually by about date 5, things should be moving along or I'd begin to wonder about the guy.
paddy1971 Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Hi, You ask whether you are doing the right thing for not pushing too hard too fast with this woman you like, and as a woman, I say ABSOLUTELY. There are a lot of women on here that seem to have men wanting to use them for sex alot, but in my experience there are also lots of guys out there like you. I like when a guy behaves like you are, it shows me they respect me, they are not taking anything for granted, and they are in for the long haul. Just make sure you don't leave it so long that she starts to wonder if you are attracted to her. Usually by about date 5, things should be moving along or I'd begin to wonder about the guy. Thanks dreaming4ever and phensam. We have kissed on the cheeks and I think she feels safe with me as I have picked her up and dropped her off home on both of the dates we have been on. I'm just not very good at dating and all it entails and worry a bit about how it will develop. Dreaming - don't give up on your prinicples - if someone is trying to rush you into something you are not ready for, then they are obviously not for you, and you deserve much better than that. Sounds as if you have a lucky escape. I do have a thread where I would appreciate some advice. It's under Dating and called "Seeking date with a girl who is ill at present" - not m title - meant to have been What should I do? but I forgot type it in!
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