culture clash of attitudes

[baby and I]

I have been married for 6 months to a wonderful man. We both waited for marriage and took it very seriously that marriage is a big commitment and worth sticking thru in tough times. Even though we have a tough outlook, it has not been easy at all. We have fought over almost every major issue, mostly due to our different cultures and the different interpretations of roles. He is from a traditional Arabic family where the wife stays at home and does not work outside the home under any circumstances (if she has to work then it is okay, but culturally this is "shameful" and makes the husband look like he does not care for his wife to make her work outside). I come from a modern Canadian family where my parents separated and my mother worked from the time I was really young (age 4 or 5). She lived alone with 3 daughters since my parents divorced (I was 12). To me, it was just something that we had to do because my father had bought a home and started a new family and he could not afford to pay for my mother and us after a divorce. I saw my mother working and enjoying the interaction with her coworkers and I think it benefitted us that she was happy at least from that. But despite the modern lifestyle, my family is not as open and cultural aware as they should be. They have not welcomed my husband into the family very well. One of my sisters and my father even tried to ruin the wedding so that I would not marry my husband. But I did married him and they never really apologized to him after that. My mother is the only one that my husband likes to talk to because she is the only one that is openly happy and accepting of my husband. The rest of my family has this image of me being oppressed by a "foreign man" or compromising my dreams or something.

It seems to me that they do not realize the reality of the situation. Before marriage, I worked since I was 16 in odd jobs (cashier, cleaner, cook, inventory, etc) for most of the school years, and found it very frustrating and demanding. I never really achieved anything doing that work because I always felt unfullfilled and like the job was cold and impersonal working for strangers not family and not taking care of anyone I loved. I always quit when the job got too frustrating when other people, who went to extreme lengths to succeed, achieved the success I wanted to earn through hard work. So, the decision to stay at home and take care of my husband (and soon child) was an easy one at first. I have found much more pride and reward in doing basically the same work I was paid for, but at home for loved ones. I was paid to cook and clean in restaurants (for strangers), and the job was never appreciated or rewarded with love like at home. But at home, at least I can make things my own way and see a connection with loved ones thru the same work.

The problem is that my family does not seem very supportive or understanding. They do not say anything demeaning outloud but they make subtle comments like my mother asks me often "what did you do today?" or "don't you get bored?" and my father has also tried to say it was boring to work in the home, even after I made a long speech to him about how rewarding and happy I was.

My sisters made significant achievement in school (prestigious university educations which they could not have done with financial support from my parents, which was never given to me, I had to work to pay for school and never had the same opportunity). Now have high paying jobs where they make more money then their SO, but a large reason for that is the help from my family (my dad bought one a car to get to school and found the other ones job for her). My sisters have not even begun to discuss my choice or broach the subject. I think the gap in our decisions is intimidating, we both see each other as "different". I feel sometimes they resent me or think I am lazy or something. I do not see it that way at all. I worked really hard in jobs before I was married. I tried to make it in the work field but I just did not enjoy it half as much as them. And my sensitive, nurturing nature seemed to be eaten up in the work world and taken advantage of, something my family constantly tried to change instead of accepting.

I am not sure what to do and how to approach my family. I want them to understand me more and my husbands different culture. I do want them to just blame him for "making me" stay at home, because he certainly did not force me to stay at home! They tend to see my job as SATM as a subservient role like it is seen in many Canadian societies. But in Arabic society it is not a role subservient to men, it is for children and the husbands pull their own weight around the house whenever possible.

I am not sure how to bridge the gap with my family and resolve old attitudes and bitter feelings...any advice would be helpful.

It would nice to talk to other women who have have been thru a similiar experience.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

It would seem to me the jobs you held prior to being a SAHM were not very fulfilling - cooking and cleaning for others is hard, often thankless work. It's not the only thing you're capable of doing, however. Don't judge the entire world of working outside the home on a mediocre job you worked hard at.

 

Since you're home, why don't you use this time to get a college education so you can eventually get a job you do enjoy? There are all kinds of ways to be able to pay for an education, even if it takes you 10 years to achieve it. Sounds to me as though you're not totally accepting of being a SAHM because you're extremely defensive about it. That leads me to believe that you you yourself aren't 100% comfortable with it.

 

And that's OK. You're not being disloyal to your husband simply because he was raised with different beliefs than you and thinks the only job a woman is capable of doing is staying home and raising his kids. You already both knew it going IN that you'd been raised in completely different backgrounds so he needs to respect YOUR beliefs as much as you respect HIS.

 

But I think your WORST mistake would be to simply become a SAHM for the next umpteen years of your life because most marriages simply don't LAST nowadays. That's the sad and simple truth. There are far too many women having to re-enter the workforce after having stayed home for 15 or 20 years. And they can't support themselves on the wages they're making because they're simply NOT marketable anymore and have to settle for low-paying jobs. You're doing yourself a horrible disservice if you drop out of the workforce and/or don't further education for the next 15 or 20 years.

 

I can't stress that ENOUGH.