I don't think he got me a gift :(

[shadowplay]

^Thanks for the input, Johan. I decided that I did want to call him, even though it was a bit nervewracking (I'm really not a phone person). I just spoke to him briefly. He was in the car with his parents driving back so we couldn't really talk, but I apologized to him and he told me not to worry about it. He said we could talk more when he got here tonight. I'm lucky that he's the kind of guy who doesn't hold grudges, but you are right that in the future I really need to be easier on him and control my insecurities. I kow his last girlfriend was constantly cornering him and creating conflict; I don't want to turn into her. Hopefully I can make the remainder of Christmas happy for him.

 

Merry Christmas everyone, and thanks for the advice even when it was hard to hear.

Edited December 25, 2007 by shadowplay

[Storyrider]

Try to remember that his not giving you a certain gift might not reflect in the slightest bit how he feels about you. Don't attribute a meaning to his actions based on your feelings about the gift. What is really meaningful is how he feels about gift giving.

 

Maybe he was feeling comfortable with you and relieved that he didn't have to make a big fuss in order to prove a point. Maybe he was focused on spending time and energy with you, not stressing over a gift.

 

Try listening to him instead of to your own desires and insecurities. You don't really care about the gift, right? You care about whether or not he loves you. If he does (and it seems like he does) then the gift is a minor point, much better let go.

 

Aha, I just read your last post. Sounds like you're on the right track.

[shadowplay]

Just keep all the drama at bay.

The last 24 hours has been all about you and what you want and how you feel.... It's time to give him a break.

 

Yes, you must apologize for your behavior, not your feelings. We can't control our feelings- but we can control our reactions... remember that.

 

Let me get this straight- he is making his parents take a bus so he can come back to you a day earlier- just so he can make you feel better? I would never think to agree to that or ask him to do that.

If you want cold hard truth here- and I assume that is why you post- you are acting spolied- and last night you were acting irrational.

 

None of that makes you a bad person- it just means you handled things incorrectly.

 

Okay- the reason I both give you crap and sympathize is because I have been like like that in relationships in the past. If a man lets me dictate and walk on him- I would. Being that way pushed many a good guy away from me.

 

You probably left him angry and confused... those are the things you have to make right. DOn't beat yourself up- just recognize what sort of behaviors are destuctive and work on that. This is not a lecture... I don't want it to come off that way.

 

Hope today is a better day.

 

His parents were already planning on taking the bus back to Boston. It's sort of complicated, but before this whole thing he was planning on driving up to NY (I live in Boston) because he has an apartment there, and his parents were going to stay with him for a night and take a bus back to Boston where they live. He was going to stay in NY with his car and I was going to meet him there since I have to go apartment hunting. Then he was going to drive back to Boston for his birthday since his immediate family and friends are there. Instead he's decided to drop his parents off in NY at his apartment (they have something to do there tomorrow), and drive back to Boston.

[Always Wrong]

johan is absolutely correct! Quit asking people to think for you. You can do it. Don't let emotion lead the conversation. Engage the brain before the mouth. You sound very intelligent, as does he. You'll be OK. Just slow down a little bit.

[shadowplay]

Just keep all the drama at bay.

The last 24 hours has been all about you and what you want and how you feel.... It's time to give him a break.

 

Yes, you must apologize for your behavior, not your feelings. We can't control our feelings- but we can control our reactions... remember that.

 

None of that makes you a bad person- it just means you handled things incorrectly.

 

Okay- the reason I both give you crap and sympathize is because I have been like like that in relationships in the past. If a man lets me dictate and walk on him- I would. Being that way pushed many a good guy away from me.

 

You probably left him angry and confused... those are the things you have to make right. DOn't beat yourself up- just recognize what sort of behaviors are destuctive and work on that. This is not a lecture... I don't want it to come off that way.

 

Hope today is a better day.

 

Thanks, I agree with what you said. I know you guys are just trying to help me out so I learn from my mistakes.

[Jilly Bean]

Agreed... i'm a scrooge too though so maybe we're just pessimistic today...

 

Well, I'm not scrooging, and I would have the same comment next week, actually. I know I definitely have my periods of being very high maintenance, demanding and needy, however, even in my blackest hour I would never conceive of having such a dialogue.

 

I just think if she continues to "test" him, as she does, he may not stick around much longer, unless, of course, he is the type of guy who enjoys this treatment. Many men are cuckolded and submissive in relationships - perhaps this is their dynamic and it works.

[Jilly Bean]

SP, if you are still having a hard time finding work, may I suggest something in the writing field? You do have a wonderful command of the language, and a great ability to communicate thoughts and feelings effectively. I'd play off that gift to make some great changes!

[serialgf]

well to get back on track on the original subject matter of this thread, i have a little input that i hope is still relevant....

 

you sound a lot like me, at least from what i could tell from your conversations, emails and tendency to get "diarrhea of the mouth" i.e. say what you're feeling without "filtering" too much as i like to call it (please don't take it the wrong way, i am after all, admitting to doing this myself)

 

your BF also sounds a lot like my current BF, sweet, sincere and most importantly for us patient and forgiving....

 

given all of this, plus that IM conversation you had, it sounds like considering his past christmases/birthdays and the fact that he point blank told you he hates christmas, this time of the year is super stressful for him... i think you were right in your original post when you though he didn't get you anything. but i think you neglected to consider that his not getting you anything (or much of anything given the trader joes chox which you and i both know is not much exactly what your heart was hoping for) has little or nothing to do with his feelings for you, which from the convos you've referenced, sound very strong and sincere -- dude, this boy loves you --- and more to do with his feelings about CHRISTMAS and the presents and probably all the other hassle that goes along with it

 

i know this is advice you could have probably used long ago, so maybe it will help you for the future, since you sound like someone i can relate to it might help you out, this is what i did this year with my BF since we have only been dating for two months and i wasn't sure what was going to go down with presents, but i knew i would be disappointed if i got him something and he got me nothing.... a few weeks ago i just brought up the topic and asked, "do you want to exchange presents seeing as this is our first christmas together and we haven't been together very long?" of course, his response was, "what do you want to do?" and i said i would love to exchange gifts, but that we shoudn't spend too much on each other, like 20 bucks or something. he agreed. and i am so glad i did this because now i will see him tomorrow and we will exchange our little gifts and i know i'm getting one and i don't have to stress it... see how some preventative communication can be so helpful

 

sorry for the long response but i guess i've been following your thread for the past couple of days and was sitting on my response

 

best of luck and i hope you keep posting because you're insightful and smart and you may not be dropdead but you're pretty cute... from one cute girl to another

 

merry christmas and please chill and let us know what develops...

[shadowplay]

Here are my pictures. Go ahead, rip me apart, RC. And don't forget to post yours so we can compare.

http://photos-b.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sctm/v130/56/68/4304561/n4304561_30768529_9050.jpg

http://photos-a.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v74/56/68/4304561/n4304561_30548392_2461.jpg

[shadowplay]

SP, if you are still having a hard time finding work, may I suggest something in the writing field? You do have a wonderful command of the language, and a great ability to communicate thoughts and feelings effectively. I'd play off that gift to make some great changes!

 

Thanks, I appreciate the suggestion. I've considered journalism before. I was an editor at my college paper. I'd like to go to grad school first, some day.

[Jilly Bean]

Thanks, I appreciate the suggestion. I've considered journalism before. I was an editor at my college paper. I'd like to go to grad school first, some day.

 

You should do it! I also worked for my college paper (largest college daily in the nation - entirely student run) Grad school is nice, but you can go ahead and get a job stringing in the meantime. Maybe try and indy paper - you would do well with your own column.

[Jilly Bean]

Here are my pictures. Go ahead, rip me apart, RC. And don't forget to post yours so we can compare.

http://photos-b.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sctm/v130/56/68/4304561/n4304561_30768529_9050.jpg

http://photos-a.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v74/56/68/4304561/n4304561_30548392_2461.jpg

 

 

You're a beautiful girl! Albeit a bit emotionally warped (lol, but aint we all), but still a very pretty girl. No one could say otherwise...

[serialgf]

hey SP i took some time to respond to the original issue in this thread. it has now seemed to shift to your life aspirations and your degree of hotness but if we could just backtrack i did take time to respond.. so scroll up, girl and tell me what you think!

 

just trying to stay on track

peace,

sgf

[shadowplay]

hey SP i took some time to respond to the original issue in this thread. it has now seemed to shift to your life aspirations and your degree of hotness but if we could just backtrack i did take time to respond.. so scroll up, girl and tell me what you think!

 

just trying to stay on track

peace,

sgf

 

Hi SGF,

 

I was just in the midst of writing you a response. I appreciate the time you took to respond.

[lindya]

Ugh I'm through with posting on this board...

 

 

Don't take any notice of one or two of the recent posts. I think RC is a little touchy about her weight - so if you're on the skinny side it may have raised her hackles. Judging from your pictures, you're very pretty.

 

Anyway, skimming through the conversation you had with your bf, it's all a bit unfortunate. I think it helps, in situations like this, to work out exactly what you're unhappy about, then present it in as simple, concise and non-inflammatory a way as possible. While you didn't handle this one brilliantly, I agree with Johan that this shouldn't be a relationship breaker. If it is a relationship breaker for your boyfriend, then you'd probably have your work cut out making anything work out long term with him.

 

Men and women are so different in their communication styles. Some men and women accept that and try to be a bit patient and accommodating towards eachother. Others seem to focus on diligently amassing a squad of non-negotiable deal-breakers. Trying to have a relationship with them must be like spending each morning negotiating a particularly lethal minefield while looking forward to an afternoon spent running the gauntlet.

 

Try to stop worrying. You can apologise to your bf for whining too much during the online conversation, then present your perspective briefly and clearly. Your understanding was that he bought a present for his ex girlfriend but not for you. You were hurt about that (and maybe I missed something important from skimming the thread....but what am I missing here? who wouldn't be pissed off about that?) and it compounded your disappointment about him not spending Christmas with you. You don't want to harp on about it, but you just wanted to make that point rather than simmering about it. Then give him an opportunity to respond, and try to wrap the whole thing up so that you can move on from it.

Edited December 26, 2007 by lindya

[phoensam]

Ugh, whatever. I'd like to see your picture. This thread has gotten totally out of hand and vicious. I appreciate all the thoughtful comments I got, but I don't understand some of the vitriol and meanness from others, especially at this time of the year.

 

I fully agree...I posted a thread yesterday and was attacked like you were today. I think there are a lot of bitter women out there unfortunately who want to take it out on everyone else.

 

I saw your pic and also think there may be a jealousy element to how they are treating you. Strange.

 

Just try to ignore them, we see them for what they are!

 

And Merry Christmas.

[shadowplay]

well to get back on track on the original subject matter of this thread, i have a little input that i hope is still relevant....

 

you sound a lot like me, at least from what i could tell from your conversations, emails and tendency to get "diarrhea of the mouth" i.e. say what you're feeling without "filtering" too much as i like to call it (please don't take it the wrong way, i am after all, admitting to doing this myself)

 

your BF also sounds a lot like my current BF, sweet, sincere and most importantly for us patient and forgiving....

 

given all of this, plus that IM conversation you had, it sounds like considering his past christmases/birthdays and the fact that he point blank told you he hates christmas, this time of the year is super stressful for him... i think you were right in your original post when you though he didn't get you anything. but i think you neglected to consider that his not getting you anything (or much of anything given the trader joes chox which you and i both know is not much exactly what your heart was hoping for) has little or nothing to do with his feelings for you, which from the convos you've referenced, sound very strong and sincere -- dude, this boy loves you --- and more to do with his feelings about CHRISTMAS and the presents and probably all the other hassle that goes along with it

 

i know this is advice you could have probably used long ago, so maybe it will help you for the future, since you sound like someone i can relate to it might help you out, this is what i did this year with my BF since we have only been dating for two months and i wasn't sure what was going to go down with presents, but i knew i would be disappointed if i got him something and he got me nothing.... a few weeks ago i just brought up the topic and asked, "do you want to exchange presents seeing as this is our first christmas together and we haven't been together very long?" of course, his response was, "what do you want to do?" and i said i would love to exchange gifts, but that we shoudn't spend too much on each other, like 20 bucks or something. he agreed. and i am so glad i did this because now i will see him tomorrow and we will exchange our little gifts and i know i'm getting one and i don't have to stress it... see how some preventative communication can be so helpful

 

sorry for the long response but i guess i've been following your thread for the past couple of days and was sitting on my response

 

best of luck and i hope you keep posting because you're insightful and smart and you may not be dropdead but you're pretty cute... from one cute girl to another

 

merry christmas and please chill and let us know what develops...

 

Yes, I can definitely relate to what you're saying. I think the problem is I store up grievances and don't tell him what's bothering me when he does it. Then it all comes out in a burst once a month or so. I know if I make a habit of this it will drive him away.

 

I feel like there's probably a way of addressing the things that bother me without getting him upset or flipping out myself. I guess I just need to keep my calm in these situations and not let my emotions get the better of me.

 

I wish I had done what you did with your bf this year because then I wouldn't be stressing out about spending so much more on him. It's always hard to know what to get someone.

[infiniteQuest]

Wow, first things first, I don't know how it is on this board, but on other boards somebody would have already called a mod to moderate a couple of people in this thread. This bashing is simply unacceptable!

 

Secondly, you are a very pretty girl and don't you listen to all the jealous people trying to put you down! Besides, you do know that the success of relationships is NOT based on looks, right?

 

Anyway, about your issue and your conversation. IMO here is what you did wrong: you asked the guy a question, he answered. Then when you didn't get the answer you were looking for (ie "YES I was secretly planning a mega surprise for you"), you just kept pushing him and pushing him. BAD!

 

I think that you just confused the guy to no end because you don't know know what you wanted to hear from him yourself. At which point he just went to bed because he couldn't understand what you were getting so worked up over. Your guy sounds pretty cool, I don't think this conversation will be a deal breaker for him. But just remember, try to handle one issue at a time.

 

And by "one issue at a time", I mean, establish what you want from the guy, and establish what's acceptable for you and what's not. You said that you didn't care what the gift was, but you cared whether it had been planned or not. Okay so he told you 2 things: that he wanted to get you something funky from where you live, and that the gift was actually a box of chocolates. You obviously weren't satisfied with that answer. Why? Is it because you suspect he didn't plan it? Or because a box of chocolates is a really lame gift (sorry, my humble opinion)? You said that the only thing that mattered to you was whether he had planned it or not. Well, the fact that he told you that he wanted to get you something funky from where you live shows a bit of planning, doesn't it? And the fact that he couldn't find anything where he was shows that at least he thought about getting something from there. So IMO you shouldn't be offended about the whole planning part. Now for the box of chocolates.... it's up to you to decide what your standards are...

 

The bottom line is, take the issue apart and consider all items separately, one at a time.

[shadowplay]

Don't take any notice of one or two of the recent posts. I think RC is a little touchy about her weight - so if you're on the skinny side it may have raised her hackles. Judging from your pictures, you're very pretty.

 

Anyway, skimming through the conversation you had with your bf, it's all a bit unfortunate. I think it helps, in situations like this, to work out exactly what you're unhappy about, then present it in as simple, concise and non-inflammatory a way as possible. While you didn't handle this one brilliantly, I agree with Johan that this shouldn't be a relationship breaker. If it is a relationship breaker for your boyfriend, then you'd probably have your work cut out making anything work out long term with him.

 

Men and women are so different in their communication styles. Some men and women accept that and try to be a bit patient and accommodating towards eachother. Others seem to focus on diligently amassing a squad of non-negotiable deal-breakers. Trying to have a relationship with them must be like spending each morning negotiating a particularly lethal minefield while looking forward to an afternoon spent running the gauntlet.

 

Try to stop worrying. You can apologise to your bf for whining too much during the online conversation, then present your perspective briefly and clearly. Your understanding was that he bought a present for his ex girlfriend but not for you. You were hurt about that (and maybe I missed something important from skimming the thread....but what am I missing here? who wouldn't be pissed off about that?) and it compounded your disappointment about him not spending Christmas with you. You don't want to harp on about it, but you just wanted to make that point rather than simmering about it. Then give him an opportunity to respond, and try to wrap the whole thing up so that you can move on from it.

 

I like your advice about how to approach it with him. The problem is that I can't exactly suggest he didn't plan something because I have no way of knowing that. I see two possibilities:

1) Worst case scenario. He hadn't gotten me a gift and wasn't actively planning to, but when I asked him last night he thought of something that he could pick up before he saw me again.

2) The other possibility is he had already bought the chocolates or was planning on buying them. This is better, but it still seems like a very last minute gift that he didn't put much thought into. I would find this acceptable, though. Sure, it's a slightly lame gift but I actually expected something like that from him given what he's said about Christmas. I was more disturbed by the idea that he hadn't gotten me anything at al or wasn't even planning to, especially considering that he did for his ex. To me this would be a pretty big deal.

 

Had I waited I would have known what was what, but when I asked the way he answered left it ambiguous. This is why I kept trying to get an answer out of him, which was obviously a huge mistake and dug me into a deeper hole.

 

So I'm wondering now if there's even a way to address what was bothering me to begin with when I would be jumping to conclusions in doing so.

Edited December 26, 2007 by shadowplay

[spookie]

 

So I'm wondering now if there's even a way to address what was bothering me when I would be jumping to conclusions in doing that. Know what I mean?

 

Just let it go. You don't have to get to the bottom of everything: not everything needs to be resolved. You really need to learn to let some things go.

 

It's obvious to everyone on here but you that your bf cares and is trying his best to make you happy. Until he gives you a real reason to be concerned that you're getting mistreated, you have to learn to accept that he loves you. Why look so hard for dealbreakers? You DO want to be with him, don't you?

[shadowplay]

Well I'm going out but I'll keep you guys posted on what happens and respond to the responses I didn't get to yet. Merry Christmas.

[crazy_grl]

There are 2 main points brought up in this thread that I think you should keep in mind.

1 - Don't compare your relationship to other people's, especially relationships with exes. (And I'd like to add to that, don't read emails from the past between your SO and their exes. You're just asking for stuff to be insecure about.)

2 - The present you get or the amount of time spent planning that present isn't an indicator of how much a person cares about you.

 

On one hand, you're saying you don't care what you get, but it's clear that it does matter to you. It's like you're saying "It's not important what you get me, but I'm going to base my idea of how much you love me on what it is and how much you thought about it." What a confusing message.

Edited December 26, 2007 by crazy_grl

[D-Lish]

I was reading trying to find the bashing and couldn't find it.

Hopefully it got removed.

That's not cool at all.

 

If you're like me at all things will seem better when you are back in each other's arms. There is something about being face to face, in the presence of someone you love, that is a huge comfort.

 

I could tell you some crazy freak outs I have had in the past~ I have also made mountains out of mole hills many times. I try and learn from my mistakes. It's a gradual process...lol.

 

The forum is here to get some honest opinions and support. Personal attacks are uncalled for.

 

If I am going to give advice- I am going to be straight up about it.

Awesome people have crazy moments...lol....

 

I hope you had a good x-mas today.

[Legend]

Here are my pictures. Go ahead, rip me apart, RC. And don't forget to post yours so we can compare.

http://photos-b.ak.facebook.com/phot...68529_9050.jpg

http://photos-a.ak.facebook.com/phot...48392_2461.jpg

 

 

Psh break up with that guy and date me i'd treat you right ;p

[Legend]

Well, I'm not scrooging, and I would have the same comment next week, actually. I know I definitely have my periods of being very high maintenance, demanding and needy, however, even in my blackest hour I would never conceive of having such a dialogue.

 

I just think if she continues to "test" him, as she does, he may not stick around much longer, unless, of course, he is the type of guy who enjoys this treatment. Many men are cuckolded and submissive in relationships - perhaps this is their dynamic and it works.

 

I'm the complete opposite. i wouldn't stand for the crap. I hate games so much. & I'm definitely not a push over.