Author shadowplay Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 Shame on you Shame on you Shame on you Shame on you I can't say any more because I'll only come off as incredibly offensive. How far away are you trying to push him? Nice job starting an argument where there wasn't one too... that was a world class job. I'm feeling really terrible now. I'm in tears. Do you really think that's what I need to hear? Jesus Christ.
Krytie TV Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I sent him this email a little while ago and he didn't respond: [His name], I don't understand what I did or what just happened. I can't stop crying. I think you misunderstood the whole gift thing, or I misunderstood. I think he understood just fine. I can't speak on the whole gift for the ex thing, that sounds kind of weird. But you drove a stake so far into this situation that I wouldn't be surprised if you killed it.
Author shadowplay Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 Shame on you Shame on you Shame on you Shame on you I can't say any more because I'll only come off as incredibly offensive. How far away are you trying to push him? Nice job starting an argument where there wasn't one too... that was a world class job. I wasn't trying to start an argument. I was trying to be honest in a tactful way. Obviously it backfired. But I wasn't trying to "push" him. I think he just misunderstood me and I misunderstood him. Obviously I shouldn't have asked him about the gift, but I tried to do it in a way that wouldn't offend him.
Legend Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Agreed. You shot yourself in the foot :\ However, if you go to the nearest bar and get drunk, all your problems will go away... Seriously!
Author shadowplay Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 I think he understood just fine. I can't speak on the whole gift for the ex thing, that sounds kind of weird. But you drove a stake so far into this situation that I wouldn't be surprised if you killed it. Understood what? What do you think I was trying to do?
Krytie TV Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I'm feeling really terrible now. I'm in tears. Do you really think that's what I need to hear? Jesus Christ. Why did you choose to do this? All you had to do was see him tomorrow. Good lord shadow... 12 hours and it would've been resolved in person. Did you really think this is what you needed to do?
Legend Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I wasn't trying to start an argument. I was trying to be honest in a tactful way. Obviously it backfired. But I wasn't trying to "push" him. I think he just misunderstood me and I misunderstood him. Obviously I shouldn't have asked him about the gift, but I tried to do it in a way that wouldn't offend him. You get someone a gift because you want to get them something, not because you expect something in return.
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Slow down. Take a deep breath. You're over reacting hun- and I say that with the best intentions.
Krytie TV Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Understood what? What do you think I was trying to do? Exactly what you did... destruct this situation. You're very self-destructive.
Author shadowplay Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 Why did you choose to do this? All you had to do was see him tomorrow. Good lord shadow... 12 hours and it would've been resolved in person. Did you really think this is what you needed to do? Yes, I know it was extremely impulsive. But I guess I was naive and thought if I was just honest with him about what I was worrying about and explained my reasoning he would understand. I know I made a huge mistake, you don't have to rub it in.
Author shadowplay Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 You get someone a gift because you want to get them something, not because you expect something in return. that's not why i got him a gift though. i honestly wanted to make him happy. i never put this amount of time into getting gifts for my exes because i didn't love them the way i love him.
spookie Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Ohhhh man shadow..... First the obvious major mis-steps on your part: comparing your relationship to anyone else's (especially to you and your exes). Trying to make YOURSELF feel better by talking to him when you KNOW he is tired, and online, and on xmas eve. There was NO WAY what you were saying could have been anything but hurtful, and on top of that it came off as really self-absorbed. And, as I've realized, people have a limited capacity for hurt before they realize you just aren't worth it. Seriously, I've said this before, but the dynamics within your relationship are SOOO similar those I had with my ex (if you're interested, read the threads under insomnie... though I think, since I was writing them as they happened, they'd be SEVERELY biased toward my POV). I don't even know what advice to offer you, since, though I loved my ex very much, he made me discontent on pretty much a regular basis, in exactly the same ways yours is making you ill in the gut. And I always responded in my discontent by kicking him where I knew it'd hurt the most (though it's painful to admit this to myself). I think what it boiled down to is that we wanted different things out of the relationship. I wanted him to be my best friend, which he was, and I treasured that aspect; but I also longed for typical signs of stability... you know... xmas with the family without my having to ask... discussions of "where is this going" after three years together... being invited to family events by default... him wanting to actually interact with me while we were together instead of plugging himself into his video games and then going to sleep. I wanted to penetrate into his life. To become his family. Wheras he valued me as an escape, I now realize. Because he was dissatisfied at the core, with everyone, with himself. And I was his haven. His love for me was pure, boy-like. And I miss that about him so much. I wish at the time I had the wisdom not to need things to fit someone else's standards of what love is. Because I under-appreciated all that he gave. And I was quick to point out all that he withheld. The harder I pushed for "normal", the less appealing to him our relationship became. And now I just wish I could wipe the slates clean. Meet again, start over. Cause I miss him like crazy.
Author shadowplay Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 I just sent him this email. I don't know if it will help at all, but it will be my last until i get a response tomorrow: Wow, I really put my foot in my mouth. I'm sorry I asked you about the gift; it was impulsive and inconsiderate. I guess I thought if I explained my reasoning behind asking you would understand, but I should have just waited it out. I want to reiterate that I didn't get you a gift to receive something in return, and I hope our conversation didn't give you that impression. I love you, and seeing you smile gives me great pleasure. I wanted to make this a really good birthday for you, especially when I heard that your past birthdays have been less than stellar. Hopefully, I haven't ruined it in advance. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Love, Shadowplay
johan Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I disagree with Krytie. I actually think the conversation you had with him was fine. You were very sweet. And I don't see what difference 12 hours would have made. Have it now or later. You got it off your chest. It's Christmas already. I also question his priorities when he puts time and effort into her gift but not yours. Although he didn't actually come out and say that. But I wouldn't think of a box of chocolates as requiring a hell of a lot of time or effort. Unless you're REALLY into chocolate. I think it's fair to compare what she got to what you got. And what the hell is he getting his ex anything for anyway? Regardless of all this, you have to decide what the parameters should be. Try to be rational about it. This doesn't have to be that big a deal. It could just be a dumb guy thing where he's a dumbass and doesn't realize it.
Krytie TV Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 DAMAGE CONTROL!!! Step away from the computer. Do not text, email, call, or carrier pigeon. You have done way too much for one night already. Seriously, he can't possibly take any more of this. Just leave the poor guy alone for the night, k?
shockandawed Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Ok Shadow, I am going to try to respond without hurting you too much but I totally agree with the Krytie and the others, you really screwed up tonight. Ok, it's over. The holidays are a very emotional time and I am sure, like you said, things have built up and probably started with you feeling abandoned and alone on Christmas Eve. As much as you are hurting and want to get some response from him tonight, DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE TONIGHT!!!! Go to bed..he is not going to dump you over this. Let the pain you are suffering tonight be a constant reminder to appreciate him and what you do have.. I am not trying to knock you but it is apparent he cares about you and would do anything to make you happy. So what if he hadn't got your gift until today? He knew he wouldn't see you before tomorrow. I can be a last minute gifter myself, I hate shopping until I have a little pressure on me. It doesn't mean I don't care for the person. In the morning, I would attempt to call or send a text basically apologizing for acting crazy tonight. Explain that you guess you allowed yourself to get lonely tonight and it must of got the best of you. Repeat how truly sorry you are and reaffirm you are looking forward to seeing him later.
shockandawed Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Dang, I see you sent another one in the time I was typing the last post. Shadow, I feel your hurt but this is like watching a bad train wreck. Please stop for the night, you really are pushing him farther and farther away.
spookie Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 And what I mean with my previous post is that you really have to learn not to let societal standards get you down about your own relationship. I think you KNOW that he loves you. I think you're perfectly secure about that; but that it feel so GOOD to have that re-affirmed, and in the most dramatic ways possible, that you push him, constantly, to breaking point. If you are like me, you THRIVE on emotion. Positive, negative... it doesnt' even matter (best ones are strong negative followed by strong positive). The easiest way to get your fix is to make up a problem, fixate on it in your head until you have the logical argument laid out for why you are right, bring it up to make your SO feel like they have to make it up to you or else they might lose you, and then savor all the love you get. I'm ill just from writing that down, but that's the truth about me. Or was. Ex didn't even figure it out until we were through. But after, he called me a succubus; and he was fvkcing right; that's what I am. And that's why I'm glad that I'm alone. It's healthier to savor unrequited love than it is to inflict what I did on him on other people.
Author shadowplay Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 Ok Shadow, I am going to try to respond without hurting you too much but I totally agree with the Krytie and the others, you really screwed up tonight. Ok, it's over. The holidays are a very emotional time and I am sure, like you said, things have built up and probably started with you feeling abandoned and alone on Christmas Eve. As much as you are hurting and want to get some response from him tonight, DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE TONIGHT!!!! Go to bed..he is not going to dump you over this. Let the pain you are suffering tonight be a constant reminder to appreciate him and what you do have.. I am not trying to knock you but it is apparent he cares about you and would do anything to make you happy. So what if he hadn't got your gift until today? He knew he wouldn't see you before tomorrow. I can be a last minute gifter myself, I hate shopping until I have a little pressure on me. It doesn't mean I don't care for the person. In the morning, I would attempt to call or send a text basically apologizing for acting crazy tonight. Explain that you guess you allowed yourself to get lonely tonight and it must of got the best of you. Repeat how truly sorry you are and reaffirm you are looking forward to seeing him later. Thanks for the advice. I'm stepping away from the computer, at least to email him, hard as it is. I'm wondering if it would be overboard, though, to send him a text in the morning since I just emailed him a second time (see above). What do you think?
johan Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 "Screwed up" is a bit strong. It's not like you just destroyed your whole relationship. If a few hard questions about how he shops for the women in his life and a few emails showing you don't really know what to do with the information emotionally are enough to break you up, then it wasn't going to work. But do try to relax about it, Shadowplay. You aren't going to resolve anything tonight. Your emotions are running a bit wild, and you should take some time to think instead of feel. I think it's lame he did anything at all for his ex. You have a right to give him a hard time for that.
Author shadowplay Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 Dang, I see you sent another one in the time I was typing the last post. Shadow, I feel your hurt but this is like watching a bad train wreck. Please stop for the night, you really are pushing him farther and farther away. Don't worry, I've stopped. It sucks that when something like this happens all you want to do is explain yourself to make things better, when the best thing to do is just say nothing...but that's so much harder.
spookie Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 "Screwed up" is a bit strong. It's not like you just destroyed your whole relationship. If a few hard questions about how he shops for the women in his life and a few emails showing you don't really know what to do with the information emotionally are enough to break you up, then it wasn't going to work. But do try to relax about it, Shadowplay. You aren't going to resolve anything tonight. Your emotions are running a bit wild, and you should take some time to think instead of feel. I think it's lame he did anything at all for his ex. You have a right to give him a hard time for that. I don't think he did anything for her this year. She was comparing to what he'd done for her when they were together, in the past.
shockandawed Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 I would WAIT until morning and then send him a short email again apologizing for your BIZZARE behavior tonight and blame it all on being alone on Christmas Eve. That is indeed tough...I think he will understand. Shadow, I have had to give up the shovel a few times in my life as well..I really do know how you feel tonight. Please trust me on this..wait until morning.
Author shadowplay Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 "Screwed up" is a bit strong. It's not like you just destroyed your whole relationship. If a few hard questions about how he shops for the women in his life and a few emails showing you don't really know what to do with the information emotionally are enough to break you up, then it wasn't going to work. But do try to relax about it, Shadowplay. You aren't going to resolve anything tonight. Your emotions are running a bit wild, and you should take some time to think instead of feel. I think it's lame he did anything at all for his ex. You have a right to give him a hard time for that. Thanks, Johan. Actually, he did something for his ex last year when they were still together. I know he put some time into planning this Channakah present for her, while it seems like he got me a last minute gift. I know it was really foolish for me to ask him about that.
Author shadowplay Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 His love for me was pure, boy-like. And I miss that about him so much. I wish at the time I had the wisdom not to need things to fit someone else's standards of what love is. Because I under-appreciated all that he gave. And I was quick to point out all that he withheld. The harder I pushed for "normal", the less appealing to him our relationship became. That's a perfect description of my relationship. Your post makes me sad. I don't want to drive him away and regret it. I hope I haven't already.
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