Feeling miserable..

[indignant]

I have been reading a lot on LS trying to learn from people's experiences. The day has come for me to need people's help and support.. Bear with me, this will be long..

 

Today has been the toughest day of my life. It is x-mas eve, and here I am on my own trying to get through the first day after breaking up with my bf. He has been my life and my love for the past four years. He is the nicest man when he wants to be. I don't even know where to begin..

 

Recently, it has become so apparent that no matter how much I love this man, I cannot live with him. There are some experiences, some characteristics, some behaviours, and some habbits, that no matter how much effort I put into it, I cannot overcome or ignore. I am getting worked up and frustrated all the time. As he says, I pick on him..

 

We have our differences in our beliefs and some of our future plans. We have our different views and expectations in life. There are times where I would so, I love this person to death, I will do anything for him. But somethings are against my nature... And so I clash and I'm torn apart from inside..

 

The most realistic thing for me to do is to face that it is not working out. I am 6 years younger than him, and as he says, young, immature, and inexperienced. Which I am sure I am, but to a certain extent.

 

I have a vision, maybe a really unfair vision, that I want a man to love me as much as I would love him, and treat me the way I would treat him.. My perfect life is for us to be each other's life.

 

I have become jealous, angry, frustrated and insecure at times. And most recently, very impatient. Because of the age gap, I don't feel I can ever get to him to make him understand me, and it's a bit unfair, because he has a lot of ego, that to him, what I say is not logical enough for him.

 

He is a very smart man, there are no words that can do justice. He's so smart. And I love that. But sometimes, because he is so damn smart and he knows it, he thinks no body knows it better. Or because he is so logical, he can twist your points around that they are not points anymore.. So his smartness, is playing against me. I cannot have a man who thinks he knows it all, and on top of that, doesn't listen to me. I want somebody to listen to me! Just as I would listen to them!

 

In this relationship, I feel the balance is 80% his way/life/beliefs and 20% mine. Now I understand there is always a dominating partner, but this is just too much for me.

 

I am smart, I can be naive, very old fashioned even if I'm young, and can be stubborn. We have been through so much, it is killing me letting this go.

 

I have no friends, I barely have any family around me, I have no life.. He is my life.. Or, I should say was.. Therefore, my point being, is that I am now lifeless.

 

I hate that he has so many friends, I hate that he cares about too many things, has so many things going on for him in his life, that I just feel I'm just another thing.

 

He is so kind hearted, and as he says, big hearted. He has forgiven me for a lot and stuck by my side.

 

I am getting weaker by the day, and wanting this life that's in my mind.. I might be tossing my life for nothing.

 

So now, I feel my life is over. I feel so sick, and so alone, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't move, I can't eat, and I don't have anybody that will understand me. I can't call my family and speak to them or cry to them, they just won't get it, and they definitely will feel so pressure and worried that they're not with me.

 

I'm getting so depressed, I feel I want to go into a coma so I can wake up after a year and not remember what my life was.

 

The degree of my feeling down is unbelievable. I just don't know what to do! I will be going back to school in January, and to work as well.. But I'm not strong. I feel like packing my bags, and going back to be with my sister and mother who are more than 20 hours away by plane.

 

I know I will be seeing him again and having to wrap up some things.. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. I want to hold him and be held. But I will be fooling myself. We have been through this before. And I know it's just not working out. I have failed myself, and my love, in so many ways.

 

I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to go about this. I know I need help.

 

I have prepared myself to go to counselling starting in January, and considering anti-depressants. But I know that I will be needing much more than that.

 

I appreciate you reading all of this. And would love to read what you have to say. Any suggestions on improving my life will be welcome.

 

Happy holidays to everyone.

[Freddy]

Hi there, sorry your feeling so down. It sounds like you know what you want and what you have is not what you want. I think you are just exactly like me ex, conflicted with the decision your making. I can tell you, if your guy was smart enough then he would change a little just to be with you. You are stronger than you think, if you broke up with him then that means you have the guts to do anything.

 

Happy Holidays, I hope you look at this as new begining and not a means for the end.

[carrotgirl]

Let's sum up.

 

Your boyfriend is kind-hearted, big-hearted and for all intents and purposes is your main source of kinship and support. He intellectualizes and debates with you as forms of communication and recreation. This frustrates you and you feel his arguing marginalizes you.

 

You have a fantasy in your head of how life is supposed to be. Life is not living up to the fantasy in your head. Your family is geographically distant and you dismiss their ability to give you support and comfort because they won't be able to understand you.

 

You say your boyfriend doesn't listen to you and so he doesn't understand you (and maybe he doesn't) and you don't let anyone else listen because you know they won't understand you.

 

You took a stand and broke up with your boyfriend the day before Christmas. Indie, please go to the dictionary and look up the word indignant. Then please look up the word irony. After you study these words for a couple of minutes come back and read your post again. Then think some more. Then go get some crackers and eat them. Or a piece of bread. Or a glass of milk. Put something in your stomach.

 

You came for support. You got it.

 

Do yourself a small favor and don't go sabotaging any more holidays for yourself or loved ones? Huh? Okay? I'm not saying you have to make nice with him but you broke up with him on Christmas because he is an arguer? That's not very nice. You could have say, waited until Wednesday after Christmas. But I guess no, you couldn't or you would have.

 

By the by, Wednesday after the holiday is a very good time to go to Doctor and get some anti-depressants. There is nothing to be gained by waiting and everything to be gained by starting to get yourself together NOW!

 

What are you doing for the remainder of the holiday and where are you staying tonight?

 

Carrot

[indignant]

Carrot,

 

Unfortunately we do not celebrate x-mas. It is just time off for us. We never do anything on x-mas other than sit infront of the tv or drive around.

 

He has his own place, and I have mine. We are normally together under one of our roofs.

 

I have nothing to do, no where to go, and no one to talk to. Hence, why I'm here. I'll be home, until it's time to go to work or school.. And this horrible feeling, this nightmare, this cloud, whatever it may be, just doesn't go..

[indignant]

Thanks Freddy..

 

I'm trying to look at this as a new beginning. I just know that I have a great man who I am letting go. Why can I be so stupid, or why can't I let go of what I want and be satisfied?!

[carrotgirl]

Okay, so you're warm and dry and safe albeit alone and lonely.

 

You're already in a much better place than lots of other folks tonight. Now I know you've got something to eat at your place. You have ten minutes starting now. Go fix yourself a couple of bites of something or grab that box of crackers, something non alcoholic to drink and come back here and tell us what you're eating while you're typing.

 

No ignoring and no arguing. Auntie Carrot is not above driving over to wherever you are (please don't say Hawaii) and bringing you a Happy Meal. I assure you this is a very fearsome thing.

 

Go get your snack and come back.

[indignant]

Auntie Carrot. I wish I could be in Hawaii..

 

I just ate some chips.

 

I can't see myself without him. I can't stop thinking of him. I just want to see him. I just want to hold him. I can't stop crying. I've been like this since 4 am. I'm so lost.

[carrotgirl]

Mmmn. Salt. Very good choice. What kind of chips? Potato? Corn? Bagel? What brand do you buy?

 

About feeling miserable. Well, you haven't slept, you haven't eaten enough to make your brain go and you're a degree candidate which means if you're passing, you're already stressed to begin with.

 

Your two main choices tonight and tomorrow are take it or leave it. You can accept the decision you made already and stick with it for the next night and day and night or you can make a new decision and stick with that. Wednesday you're going to call the doctor and ask to be squeezed in "today".

 

So what did you have to drink? The salt wants something to drink.

 

Carrot

[Freddy]

So explain to me, if you know you have a good man and there are minor quirks, why do you and my ex feel the need to get rid of them? If we can accept imperfection from our mates then why can't you? Sorry you are starting to sound a lot like my ex and I'm just trying to figure you woman out. If he would of broke up with you or go NC on you how would you take it?

[indignant]

Carrot .. I'm eating multigrain chips.. drinking talea..

 

Freddy. I don't know what NC is. If he broke up with me, then I would understand, because he has been complaining about me and giving me ultimatums on behaviour and thoughts and beliefs. Now, those things that clash, are somewhat major, and some are very minor. But for the fact that there are several of them is what makes it very tiring. I really don't know how to explain this to you. It is much more complex. For somethings that are not significant according to him, I am picking on him, yet, those things mean quite a lot to me. Now, he won't give in, because, 1. he doesn't believe in it 2. he perceives that if he compromised without really believing in it then it is a method of "control" for me.

 

No matter how great he is, he is difficult to deal with or handle.

[Freddy]

NC = No Contact. Ok now you painted a picture of him that I can actually see. I was more or less thinking he was this great guy. I hope your holding up better!

[frd150]

So do you think he will miss you enough to change? If so will you give him another chance?

 

I did everything my ex asked. Everything she told her best friend she wanted and still no dice.At least it forced me to make some adjustments.

 

Ok,how about a sandwich for those chips? MMM.....GOOOOD.

[indignant]

He will miss me, no where near as much I'll miss him. He has his friends, his "guys" that are the ones that can make him laugh, the ones that are more important than me to him.

 

Will he change? NO. We have been at this for about a year. We have been going back and forth to each other. This time, it's for real. He won't change, he wants me to. He wants me to open up and realize what the right way is! I wish he changes. He doesn't. I'll be fooling myself.. I'd like to say I'd change too, but I won't, because I will be giving in again, and again, and again, and that is not a way for me to live.

 

I wonder why did I put myself in this position. How could I let this happen. Why didn't I listen to people before? How could I let myself reach this low?

 

No more food for me..

[carrotgirl]

Congrats on getting through the day.

 

Take a sec to go scan through your words yesterday and note the difference in your writing style before and after you ate.

 

Then go get a small snack and eat it and tell us how your evening is progressing. If you're interested, I had pancakes and maple syrup with my martinis.

 

Hugs.

Carrot

[desertguy]

Your conflicts are perhaps irreconcilable, but maybe not, it's hard to get the whole picture from a few posts on an online forum.

 

At different times in my life, I've been at the extremes you mention that your boyfriend and you are at now. 10 years ago, relationships were my life like you say, I guess I was pretty needy in retrospect, and my relationships always started off pretty good, but usually ended after a few months, because of my neediness, I see now. I'm thankful to one girlfriend back then who pointed this out in a constructive, but not vindicative way when we parted. I started to change, to get more of a life and hobbies, made new friends, and gradually became a lot more independent. After a few years, I think I swung totally to the opposite extreme where I did have a lot of friends and outside activities, but would neglect some important things in relationships, probably because I never knew any middle ground, and tended to look at situations in very black and white ways. Thankfully, over time, I feel I've become a lot more balanced now.

 

Anyway, I can see both sides here. It isn't totally healthy to be involved so much that you don't have an outside life, for either person. One person feels hurt, neglected, and the other smothered. And of course relationships do take work, and maybe your boyfriend isn't pulling his weight here either. Instead of neither person wanting to change to suit the other, what about having a very honest talk, and see if there are ways you can both change a little, compromise some, and meet somewhere in the middle maybe. You seem to have set it up as an either/or proposition, which may not be totally true. And you also appear to have set in your mind a picture of the ideal realtionship, but no relationship is perfect, unfortuantely. But if you guys really are that far apart, and don't see any way of realistically working it out, then by all means, move on, go NC and be done with it once and for all.

[confuse80]

i got the same situation with you but the differences is that he is 14 yrs older than me and he is the one that dump me because he told me i am not mature enough for him.

i love him dearly altough all the differences betwen us and willing so much to compromise with everything. i was so broken hearted when he said its over.

if i could be the one who dump him, i wouldnt do that, i would have a break between us, lets each other do our own things and see what you can save for the future, dont do NC yet if you not ready, because I know you will be very sad sometimes (as happen to me). try to talk to him about the problems and having a break from each other (not breaking up). I am sure the result would be much better. the final question is that are you willing to lose him forever? if you do then you better do the NC and move on, dont look back and dont have regret.

[indignant]

Pancakes.. Yummy..

 

My days are going really slow.. I just don't know what to do.. I went back to see him yesterday night.. It was good and bad in many ways.. I think it's too late.. He's already interested in other people.. If he misses me, then he'll come back..

 

It's a bit hard moving or doing anything right now. I might be still in severe shock and pain.. Thanks for being there carrot.

[indignant]

desertguy..

Thanks for your post. I can relate to a lot of it. What you said is so true. I tried giving it a chance yesterday and talking to him about this.. A lot.. But I think I have damaged this too much.. I'm willing to compromise, but not when the other is not willing to do anything about it..

 

I always get blamed for things, and it's quite tiring.. I miss him so much.. and I cannot go NC.. We have several attachments to loosen that will take anytime from 2-6 months..

 

I'm afraid.. I'm afraid that he is talking to me to make sure that I'm okay and then he can let go. I know he cares. But that actually makes it quite harder.. False hope.. Or, he has mentioned he is interested in other females and would like to see what he can get out of it, and until he settles down, he'll get rid of me completely. I'm confused. I don't really know what's going on in those terms.. And I'm just feeling more pain..

 

I miss him..

[indignant]

confused.. I'm really sorry to hear that.. Even though my bf is only 6 years older, but he is also much more mature than his age, he's really and old man, which is what I like to call him sometimes..

 

I realized even when you're willing to compromise, at one point, you'll get tired of that, especially when you won't be getting any input from them.. It sometimes feels like you're the one willing to do anything to keep this relationship going, even if it's unfair to you...

 

As I said previously, I can't really go NC. We will definitely be in touch and seeing each other for some necessary things.. As for a break.. I don't know.. I don't think he wants me anymore.. I saw something in his eyes last night, his determination, it was really hard..

 

I feel so isolated from this world, sitting in my own bubble, crying endlessly.. Wondering where life will take me..

[AriaIncognito]

Indignant -

 

it seems to me that you know what you want, and it's not him. So, kudos to you for deciding you want and deserve more. You should do as carrot said and make sure you keep eating and even seek a doctor if you really feel your depression is too much to handle.

 

I'd like to point out one lesson you can take away from this relationship: Make sure you maintain friendships outside the boyfriend. It's very important to have friends to talk to, someone other than your SO. I don't know what you did in the past, if you had friends and dropped them, or just didn't bother to make any or what your circumstances were, but I'd caution you to make sure you take control of this part of your life, and find some people. Everyone needs support.

 

I was with a man for 4 years. We lived together. We basically became eachothers lives, best friends, etc. We didn't have hobbies that didn't include the other, etc and well, it is the demise of a relationship when you have nothing to yourself. When we broke up I was devasted. Didn't know anyone and felt lost. Thankfully, I learned my lesson (this was 7 years ago) and each bf I've had since then I've maintained many friendships.

 

Do this for yourself. When you go back to school, make some new friends. Reconnect with old ones, whichever. Vow to not let people go again.

[indignant]

ariawoman -

 

I do know what I want and I wish he could've respected that as much as I would respect his needs..

 

I had no interest in friends, it's been 4 years, and if I can spend one more minute with him I would rather do that than with anyone else.. It's not an obsession.. I just love this guy too much..

 

I'm gonna try to get in touch with a couple of my old friends.. Maybe meet up.. But right now, I don't see anything happening.. I'll just be waiting for the holidays to pass..

 

I packed my schedule for the next year. I'll be going to school 6 days a week and work 4 days a week. I have one day off and have no time for anything. I hope I'll be able to handle that..

 

I miss family.. I miss not being on my own in my house.. It's so quiet.. I went and stayed over at my friends place with her family, I would be ok at times because I'd pull myself together and force to put a smile on my face so they don't know what's going on.. And I'd manage.. once I'm on my own, I'm a wreck. Wherever I am, if I'm on a bus, on a train, walking, brushing my teeth, taking a shower, I'm losing it.. Is there a way out ??

[confuse80]

to the fact that you really love him and you still in love with him, you will find it harder to move on and accepting that its over between you both. I am in between of NC with him because I know as much as he wants to be friend with me now and that he said that I am a wonderful person to be with and he doesnt want to lose me as a friend, I cant be friends right now with him because all the feeling I have and if we keep contacting each other I am goin to still hoping for him to take me back, which is kinda impossible.

Bottom line is that will you be ready when he says that he found someone else? will you accept it? if yes then you are very strong person and I envy you so much. I would be mad and dead jealous if my ex found someone new. If you think there is a big chance that you will not be able to accept it, to save all the pain later on, its best to do the NC and let go your attachment feelings towards this guy, and move to next stage which is you love him but you not in love with him. Love in general is fine and you can love him as a friend. Trust me NC would be good for you and maybe him, he will feel the lost of you and he might even miss you badly. but meanwhile you still contacting each other, he will never going to miss you and he will think he has you on side and he knows you still love him and so he can use you anytime he wants.

NC is good stuff, trust me. You will be able to handle yourself much more after NC because each day you become a strong person without needing him for your 'emotional' support.

If you not ready for full on NC, why not try one week then slowly two week and gradually prolong the NC, you can call him after one week and slowly reduce the amount of phone call or meeting, this way you'll be gradually stronger too.

[indignant]

Thanks confuse..

 

I can relate to you completely. There's no way I can be friends. There's no way I want to hear how happy he is or how wonderful the other females are. I had enough. I feel so burnt.

 

He told me he wanted to go to a movie with me. But I think that's only because he felt bad for me. He's not in pain. He doesn't miss me. I heard the "you crushed all my dreams and life plans" but when I saw him that's not how it looked like. And when he talked, that's not how it sounded.

 

How can he be talking about other females already?

 

I don't know why he'd kiss me, or touch me, I saw all the hope in that.

 

I will go NC until he needs me. I know he will be contacting me as he needs me to do some work for him or with him.

 

I can't even leave the house. I'm disastrous. I have one friend who's too busy. I've got no body. I feel so alone. I feel so desperate. I can't do anything. I haven't turned on the tv. I haven't spoken to anyone. I can't move. All I do is feed the pets and come back to my bed, blow my noise and think. I have no interest in life. Why. Why is it so hard. Why am I hurting so badly.

[confuse80]

your situation was the same as me last week. i have no friends who understand my feelings and they just think that moving on is very easy to do, but its not. not when you love this person so much. I was so sad, I cried whole day, cant sleep cant eat cant even think properly, I was ready to die for him. But guess what, he didnt feel what I feel and he never can see what happen to me, in a way it makes me very angry. I was in a point of goin back to my home country to be with my mother and ask for shelter, but it just me trying to run away from my problem. I called my mother and told her everything and she actually helps me a lot. She said he has different plan in his life with mine, and that he never thinks with his heart but only with his head, and most men just never really can feel what women feels towards the person they love. (I said most men, men in LS is very sweet I think, they care much about their ex and I wish I found one like that). She said that its better to forget him now, maybe if you made for each other someday you will be back together, but now let him sort his life and what he wants in life, dont put more pressure, the more you put the pressure they will ended up running away from you. If you love him there is nothing wrong to be friends with him someday when you ready. And maybe God has different plan with you and him and you will found someone better more wonderful than him. Thats what my mom said to me. All makes sense in my side. I feel much better and I could sleep better that night. I stop crying and I actually can talk to my ex now without crying. I still doin NC but like what I said, gradually bits by bits, and when my ex hear that I am cool now and that I understand everything and not goin to push him to come back to him anymore, he kinda more nicer towards me and he even said he loves me on xmas day - but i am not buying it because I know if he loves me then he will take me back, so I dont even take what he says seriously.

 

I am more stronger now and I know you will be strong, maybe you should do something like exercise, watch comedy show, read some books (stay away from romance, I am reading harry potter now). and try to eat at least twice a day, eat things that you like most, dont worry about diet and stuff (if you worry) because at the moment the most important thing is to love yourself and to spoil yourself. Nothing more important than yourself.

 

With NC thing, I think its best if you actually the one that will call him, not him calling you, tell him that you want NC for a week then he can call you if he wants, and if he does love you still he will call you. It will show how much he cares about you too. AND try not to meet him at least for a month, because meeting is more destructive than calling, you will feel emotional again and you will have those hopes that he will just run back to you but the reality is that he will not. Say that you not ready, and that you need time. When you can call him without feeling sad or miserable, and when you can talk to him without talking anything about your relationshio and when you can sleep and eat and back to your normal self then you are ready to meet him again, but before that I think you should stay away.

 

And again, call your family, its the best remedies ever. Trust me in this point.

 

And I hope you feel much better ... if not I can give you the list of my 'get over him' songs which will help you to move on.

 

Big Hugs for you!