My boyfriend and I opened xmas presents...

[Lishy]

Oh One thing, watch out for his nasty words in an argument, that is a red flag and please do not accept this just because he says he didnt mean it! We can all say that but these words hurt, offend and cause low self esteem!

 

Make sure you know you are worth more than that!

[norajane]

Actually I think I have handled the situation remarkably.

 

What situation? There was no 'situation' except the one you created with your expectations.

 

It was Christmas. You gave your bf a list of gift options. He selected a couple and gave them to you, and even went the extra romantic mile and picked out a box that had a spot for a picture, and put one in there of the two of you. And for a guy to do something like that, yeah, it IS a big surprise. Most guys don't cut out heart shaped pictures... I'll bet your bf never has before!

 

If you had not created a whole lot of expectations in your head, you could have accepted his gifts with grace and not felt let down at all. That's why 'everyone' in your life throws the 'spoiled brat' thing in your face...it's your expectations. If you work on managing those you will find you are anxious and disappointed far less often.

 

Having said that, maybe your next gift to your bf should be a book about how to fight fair in a relationship, so he can learn not to call you a bitch during arguments.

[Legend]

What situation? There was no 'situation' except the one you created with your expectations.

 

It was Christmas. You gave your bf a list of gift options. He selected a couple and gave them to you, and even went the extra romantic mile and picked out a box that had a spot for a picture, and put one in there of the two of you. And for a guy to do something like that, yeah, it IS a big surprise. Most guys don't cut out heart shaped pictures... I'll bet your bf never has before!

 

If you had not created a whole lot of expectations in your head, you could have accepted his gifts with grace and not felt let down at all. That's why 'everyone' in your life throws the 'spoiled brat' thing in your face...it's your expectations. If you work on managing those you will find you are anxious and disappointed far less often.

 

Having said that, maybe your next gift to your bf should be a book about how to fight fair in a relationship, so he can learn not to call you a bitch during arguments.

Basically what i've been trying to say in a gentler way...

[Trialbyfire]

As usual, good advice nj.

 

Most guys don't cut out heart shaped pictures...

Watch out for those crafty kind of guys. If they start using glitter-glue, run...

[melodymatters]

I think this thread has opened up a lot of discussions on what Love shack is "for". Now, I DO feel that if you can treat your boss, mother, child in a respectful adult manner, it's OK to come here and vent or " wear your heart on your sleeve".

 

Yes, that means you are opening yourself up to other peoples opinions ( and sometimes downright nastiness) but I feel it's your ACTIONS ( which we don't get to see ) that count, and sharing your deepest hopes, fears desires here, should be a kind of " safe place", almost like therapy, except it's free and you get more than one persons opinion.

 

Thats why i ALWAYS try and guide a person kindly on here, as opposed to name calling or finger pointing. With RL friends, I'll be harsher, but I feel here, it's not my place. Do only good, cause no harm.

 

I DO feel that people have been a bit harsh and judgemental on this thread in particular.

 

I still remember LB's thread where her boyfriend basically univited her to his parents holiday ( forgot which one) unless she would share half the expenses of the " road trip" ( which was how he justified it, like taking your girlfriend home is the same thing as spring break ?!?) so MY main concern has been whether he is a healthy enough person for her to marry, not the very natural feelings of wanting a "sign" of his true committment.

 

Just felt I had to get that off my chest, as I am not understanding why this thread has become so acrimonious. Feel free to disagree, after all it is OUR love shack, and we are the ones who set the tone.

[D-Lish]

What situation? There was no 'situation' except the one you created with your expectations.

 

It was Christmas. You gave your bf a list of gift options. He selected a couple and gave them to you, and even went the extra romantic mile and picked out a box that had a spot for a picture, and put one in there of the two of you. And for a guy to do something like that, yeah, it IS a big surprise. Most guys don't cut out heart shaped pictures... I'll bet your bf never has before!

 

If you had not created a whole lot of expectations in your head, you could have accepted his gifts with grace and not felt let down at all. That's why 'everyone' in your life throws the 'spoiled brat' thing in your face...it's your expectations. If you work on managing those you will find you are anxious and disappointed far less often.

 

Having said that, maybe your next gift to your bf should be a book about how to fight fair in a relationship, so he can learn not to call you a bitch during arguments.

 

Well written, clear, concise and to the point. I concur.

[Trialbyfire]

I think this thread has opened up a lot of discussions on what Love shack is "for". Now, I DO feel that if you can treat your boss, mother, child in a respectful adult manner, it's OK to come here and vent or " wear your heart on your sleeve".

 

Yes, that means you are opening yourself up to other peoples opinions ( and sometimes downright nastiness) but I feel it's your ACTIONS ( which we don't get to see ) that count, and sharing your deepest hopes, fears desires here, should be a kind of " safe place", almost like therapy, except it's free and you get more than one persons opinion.

 

Thats why i ALWAYS try and guide a person kindly on here, as opposed to name calling or finger pointing. With RL friends, I'll be harsher, but I feel here, it's not my place. Do only good, cause no harm.

 

I DO feel that people have been a bit harsh and judgemental on this thread in particular.

 

I still remember LB's thread where her boyfriend basically univited her to his parents holiday ( forgot which one) unless she would share half the expenses of the " road trip" ( which was how he justified it, like taking your girlfriend home is the same thing as spring break ?!?) so MY main concern has been whether he is a healthy enough person for her to marry, not the very natural feelings of wanting a "sign" of his true committment.

 

Just felt I had to get that off my chest, as I am not understanding why this thread has become so acrimonious. Feel free to disagree, after all it is OUR love shack, and we are the ones who set the tone.

Do you feel it "wrong" to tell people to own their own issues? Shall we all soft-sell advice, when someone is obviously making themselves needlessly unhappy? There's no doubt that the issues are two-fold where her b/f is a jerk in some ways and LB empowers his behaviour, with some behaviour issues of her own.

 

It's the beauty of LS. If you're one of the overly-sensitive types, you will see everything as an attack, where 99% of the time, it's because people want to help, so they help in their own way.

[melodymatters]

This is so not about me ' melody" that I'm almost hesitant to respond. All I was saying is that perhaps we all have different visions of what we can expect here.

 

And I'm really ....strict, about seperating thought from actions. I feel like that if laurie belle acts properly, she is more than welcome to come here and express her emotions.

 

Perhaps this is my issue, as I do " own" my own behaviors, and therefore work on correcting them, but sometimes still feel, whatever it may be that I am feeling.

 

Perhaps it's the fact that she IS a therapist, and therefore likely trained in the "express everything" school of thought, that is causing some of the problems here.

[Trialbyfire]

This is so not about me ' melody" that I'm almost hesitant to respond. All I was saying is that perhaps we all have different visions of what we can expect here.

 

And I'm really ....strict, about seperating thought from actions. I feel like that if laurie belle acts properly, she is more than welcome to come here and express her emotions.

 

Perhaps this is my issue, as I do " own" my own behaviors, and therefore work on correcting them, but sometimes still feel, whatever it may be that I am feeling.

 

Perhaps it's the fact that she IS a therapist, and therefore likely trained in the "express everything" school of thought, that is causing some of the problems here.

Not one person has said she shouldn't express her thoughts and feelings. If anything, the more she expresses, the easier it is to get a feel of the entire picture.

 

I do have issues about approach and control of approach. You're welcome to debate or disagree with what is being expressed but I definitely feel that no one has the right to attempt to control different members' approaches.

 

We could all say "there, there, everything will be okay" or "yes, you're doing the right thing" but who is this helping? Certainly not any opening poster.

[melodymatters]

....And, when we drive the opening poster from their own thread, as has recently happened to star gazer and now LB, how are we helping THEN ?

[Trialbyfire]

....And, when we drive the opening poster from their own thread, as has recently happened to star gazer and now LB, how are we helping THEN ?

As at now, yes, I do believe LB will desert this thread, although she might come back. I don't purport to read her mind.

 

I see LB as someone who is capable of seeing clearly, if she wants to. She's one of the members who can be helped and has the capacity to learn and has always been able to take direct advice and opinion.

 

As for SG, she's also another member who is capable of giving as good as she gets. She can take care of herself.

[Sweetcheripie]

I think this thread has opened up a lot of discussions on what Love shack is "for". Now, I DO feel that if you can treat your boss, mother, child in a respectful adult manner, it's OK to come here and vent or " wear your heart on your sleeve".

 

Yes, that means you are opening yourself up to other peoples opinions ( and sometimes downright nastiness) but I feel it's your ACTIONS ( which we don't get to see ) that count, and sharing your deepest hopes, fears desires here, should be a kind of " safe place", almost like therapy, except it's free and you get more than one persons opinion.

 

Thats why i ALWAYS try and guide a person kindly on here, as opposed to name calling or finger pointing. With RL friends, I'll be harsher, but I feel here, it's not my place. Do only good, cause no harm.

 

I DO feel that people have been a bit harsh and judgemental on this thread in particular.

 

I still remember LB's thread where her boyfriend basically univited her to his parents holiday ( forgot which one) unless she would share half the expenses of the " road trip" ( which was how he justified it, like taking your girlfriend home is the same thing as spring break ?!?) so MY main concern has been whether he is a healthy enough person for her to marry, not the very natural feelings of wanting a "sign" of his true committment.

 

Just felt I had to get that off my chest, as I am not understanding why this thread has become so acrimonious. Feel free to disagree, after all it is OUR love shack, and we are the ones who set the tone.

 

 

I totally agree with Melodymatters here.

[Lauriebell82]

As at now, yes, I do believe LB will desert this thread, although she might come back. I don't purport to read her mind.

 

I see LB as someone who is capable of seeing clearly, if she wants to. She's one of the members who can be helped and has the capacity to learn and has always been able to take direct advice and opinion.

 

As for SG, she's also another member who is capable of giving as good as she gets. She can take care of herself.

 

You can't get rid of me that easily sorry! I'm not one to give up on something I've started, that is always the way I have been. Anyway, Melody you are referring to our fight back in May..he said all that crap when we were fighting. That doesn't make it right by no means, but he didn't mean what he said. Actually he likes to throw back what he does for me when we fight which pisses me off..and he knows it so it's probably why he does that when he is angry. He said he would try really hard not to do that though, because he does realize that is wrong and mean of him. He has his issues, I know that, just as I do.

 

It's not that I don't understand where you guys are coming from, I guess it's just because from all my training and education I have learned that people can have a lot of issues that they have to deal with in their life. I've never been married, and I know a lot of you have, but I'm guessing that it's not all magic in moonlight..marriage is hard work. And I guess I just was trained in the discipline that you can't prevent problems and issues from occuring, its the way you deal with them and solve them that make you a compatible couple. And I think my boyfriend and I are able to do that..me moreso just because I have training in that kind of thing. One of the benefits of dating a therapist I suppose.

 

The flipside of course is that I tend to freak out and analyze things my boyfriend does and try to find solutions and reasons why he does them..which is sometimes counterproductive. Actually this is a very common issue that therapists have, actually one that I am working with at my internship says her husband knows immediately when she is doing that stuff and he coined the term that "she is going all therapist on him." So I guess it goes with the territory.

 

I guess I acknowledge that my boyfriend and I both have issues..for different reasons. But we always manage to work them out..always! Like during our stupid fight the other night he tends to get so upset that he starts to doubt our relationship (another thing that bothers me) so I always try to snap him out of it and say that we are going to get through it...and that helps.

 

Keep responding everyone, I'm not leaving!

[Star Gazer]

I'm not disappointed about a proposal/birthstone ring present, I'm just a little let down.

 

Huh??? How are you not disappointed if you're let down??

[Star Gazer]

What situation? There was no 'situation' except the one you created with your expectations.

 

It was Christmas. You gave your bf a list of gift options. He selected a couple and gave them to you, and even went the extra romantic mile and picked out a box that had a spot for a picture, and put one in there of the two of you. And for a guy to do something like that, yeah, it IS a big surprise. Most guys don't cut out heart shaped pictures... I'll bet your bf never has before!

 

If you had not created a whole lot of expectations in your head, you could have accepted his gifts with grace and not felt let down at all. That's why 'everyone' in your life throws the 'spoiled brat' thing in your face...it's your expectations. If you work on managing those you will find you are anxious and disappointed far less often.

 

Having said that, maybe your next gift to your bf should be a book about how to fight fair in a relationship, so he can learn not to call you a bitch during arguments.

 

I can never get things out the way you can, NJ. Bravo.

[Trialbyfire]

You can't get rid of me that easily sorry!

Gotta' love it! Someone who can handle honest opinions because they know that people are trying to help and not get butt-hurt over it. Props to ya' Lb!

[Keara]

LB, I'd be dissappointed too. That doesn't make you 'spoiled'.

 

I'm just curious, but do you consider yourself spoiled?

 

Anyway, this is how I read the situation... maybe I have it wrong. But bf drags you off to spend time with his friends, you're bored so you try to entertain yourself and bf gets pissed. Calls you names and flat out says you're "spoiled" because you didn't do things the way he wanted. Then he throws all the things he does for you in your face to "PROVE" he's the better person (all the while cutting you down), and believes that an apology after the fact makes everything all better again.

 

You have to stop this name calling behavior. Next argument this happens in, stop everything and explain that you will walk if this continues. Second time it happens (whenever that may be) stop everything and explain that you won't continue to talk to him until he can discuss this with you like an adult. Then leave. Continue this until he's willing to find a better way to express his feelings. (it works best if you keep a calm head)

 

Set some boundaries LB. That is NOT appropriate behavior. Its not appropriate for you to do to him, and it's NOT appropriate for him to do to you. And for all his good intentions on curbing that behavior, he still gets rewarded everytime for it -- You continue to give him attention, he gets that rush of adrenaline from letting out his anger, and he feels in control. If you want to help him stop the behavior, then set boundaries with him and enforce those boundaries.

[allina]

Hi LB, I don't think you're some spoiled ungrateful brat, I know that you love your bf very much. Honestly I feel like all this is going on because although you won't admit it you sort of wanted an engagement ring or as close to one as you can get (diamond "promise" ring)

 

I know that you think your gifts are lovely and that you appreciate them I just feel like you wanted something that demonstrates the seriousness of your relationship more.

 

I think your bf is testing the waters with you when he talks about engagement rings to see what you like and how much he will have to spend. If I was in his position the idea of a promise ring would annoy me. He's going to propose this year so why pressure him to buy TWO DIAMOND RINGS, one is expensive enough!

[4givrnt4gtr]

Wow...major ganging up on OP here. I havent read many of ur threads, but i do believe that if u come here is certainly not to be called a spoiled brat, or tell you how you make me want to bang my head against the wall. Really doesnt help.

 

In any case OP.....

 

 

. That doesn't make it right by no means, but he didn't mean what he said.

 

 

 

You keep saying that, over and over. "he doesnt mean it"....kinda reminds me of when women get beat up and then they say "oh but he loves me! really!"

No matter how good he might be otherwise, if he's calling you a bitch, a brat, and throwing what he gives you and does for you in your face it I wouldnt really want to be engaged and much less married to someone like him.

 

You say he says it out of anger....but I say he should respect you, angry or not. Calling you a bitch is not respecting you, and throwing things like what he does in your face can only mean that it hurts him to do those things for you.

Whether you are a brat or not, I dont know, nor do I care, but you should always be treated with respect, specially if you are thinking on marriage. IF he has a problem with you he needs to learn how to convey it without insulting you so that you can clearly see what is it that you're doing wrong and see if you can either change that or look for someone who will love you and respect you just as you are. Brat or not.

 

I honestly dont think your issue is material...you are just looking for something tangible to ensure that what you want it to be (and cant feel from how he treats you) is there. But honey, a ring, a wedding or anything else will not make up for the hurtful things he says to you nor is it going to convince you that he loves you despite of what he calls you "when he's mad"

 

I would take a good hard look at your relationship, and see if all the stress its putting you thru is worth it.

 

Good luck

[dropdeadlegs]

When you no longer feel you need a ring as proof, I don't think anything can top that.

Amen! Commitment isn't about rings or proposals. Many of us have neither and are perfectly content.

 

I don't want to be perceived as a member of some nonexistent "gang" but it is often so painfully obvious, to so many of us, that your relationship is just unbalanced. I see it as ultimately doomed and predict that the marriage you so long for will make you miserable in very short order. It's not your fault, it's not his fault, you're just two very different people with two very different sets of expectations of marriage and what it entails. I know, you love him so much and he never wants to let you go, but you will not be happy together. You don't even live together and the fights over trivial stuff are nearly constant, yet you say you don't fight often.

 

Maybe you are spoiled, maybe you're not. Maybe he is controlling and stingy, maybe he is not. What matters is that there is somebody out there for everyone, and you two are simply not for each other. Yet I'm sure you don't believe me.

 

Take that expensive degree of yours and go back and read your own threads. There are plenty to choose from! The themes are the same: analyzing his every word, name calling, arguments over money and lack of gratitude. Look at your threads through the eyes of a psychological counselor and tell me where you see "these two ought to get married and live happily ever after."

 

Maybe I've just read too many of your threads over the last few weeks. I sincerely don't make these points to be cruel, Lb, but at some point I fail to see the optimism in the lives and travails of various posters. Sometimes the best advice is simply to find a more compatible partner. Life is short and time is a-wasting.