Trialbyfire Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 LB, I do agree with everyone else that it's about insecurities but I also think your b/f is an arse. He plays on your insecurities by jacking around with the marriage, ring thing. If he isn't ready for the big step, he needs to shut the hell up. I'm glad the two of you have resolved your differences and have had a nice Christmas together. If he mentions the marriage thing one more time, tell him to either put up or shut up, in a nice way of course. Hmmm...to be fair, you are a tad spoiled.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 Okay. Well, how would you like him to express to you that you're behaving like a spoiled brat (if that's what he thinks at the moment) without using the words "spoiled brat"? He didn't say I was "behaving" like a spoiled brat he said I was a spoiled selfish brat and I wasn't going to change unless he stopped doing nice things for me. So you see where that would be hurtful to hear. He said he didnt mean it, he apologized a million times and said he was just angry, but I suppose I just can't help but wonder if he really does resent me.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 LB, I do agree with everyone else that it's about insecurities but I also think your b/f is an arse. He plays on your insecurities by jacking around with the marriage, ring thing. If he isn't ready for the big step, he needs to shut the hell up. I'm glad the two of you have resolved your differences and have had a nice Christmas together. If he mentions the marriage thing one more time, tell him to either put up or shut up, in a nice way of course. Hmmm...to be fair, you are a tad spoiled. Yeah i know I'm tad spoiled thanks to my parents..everyone likes to throw that one back in my face when they are mad at me..so it gets a little annoying after awhile. That's what I was trying to figure out why the heck he kept toying with me about marriage/rings. I'm grateful for my Christmas presents and I don't care if he isn't ready for marriage, but I hope he stops talking about it because it's annoying.
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Just tell him its getting a tad annoying when he teases you about marriage as it gets your hopes up?
Nevermind Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 I am glad you could enjoy your christmas after all. But this : Yeah i know I'm tad spoiled thanks to my parentsis stupid. You are an adult and as such you should be grown up enough not to blame your parents for your behaviour. You're basically saying that it's not your fault and therefore you are not to blame. And that's nonsense.
Legend Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 You make me want to smash my head against the wall over and over............... Do you not see how you were acting?! Let me see if I get this straight just one more time. Your birth stone conveniently happens to be a diamond... so you tell your bf that you want a birthstone ring, so when he gets you a diamond ring and don't propose you flip.....
D-Lish Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 You make me want to smash my head against the wall over and over............... Do you not see how you were acting?! Let me see if I get this straight just one more time. Your birth stone conveniently happens to be a diamond... so you tell your bf that you want a birthstone ring, so when he gets you a diamond ring and don't propose you flip..... I have to agree with Legend on this. And we don't often agree. I see his point though- have you considered it?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 You make me want to smash my head against the wall over and over............... Do you not see how you were acting?! Let me see if I get this straight just one more time. Your birth stone conveniently happens to be a diamond... so you tell your bf that you want a birthstone ring, so when he gets you a diamond ring and don't propose you flip..... What? This was not about proposing at all! I never even cared about that, it was a promise ring that I wanted. I don't see what is so wrong with that, sorry! Girlfriends get other kinds of rings from their boyfreinds all the time, and I'm not sure how I am a selfish spoiled brat for wanting one. Also, I'm not even pissed off I didn't get one because my presents were nice. He has some reservation that he wants to "only buy one ring" so I'm going to respect how he feels. My parents spoiled me, but I don't think I act like a spoiled brat with my boyfriend..he throws that back in my face when he is angry along with everyone else I know. Like I said a million trillion times, I don't see what is wrong with wanting a ring for a present. My ex bf bought me a ring that wasn't an engagement ring one Christmas. But like I said I was a little dispointed because he had built me up so much saying "it's a huge surprise" and being all secretive. So I kind of thought he had some huge special surprise up his sleeve and he didn't..which is ok.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Oh and one more thing to add..in my defense I'm sorry but any women on here would be dispointed if their boyfriend toyed with them and built them up to think there was some huge special surprise in place..and then there wasn't. And if you don't feel that way you are in some serious denial.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 So you ARE disappointed and not 100% happy with your gifts.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 So you ARE disappointed and not 100% happy with your gifts. No I am 100% happy with my gifts..they are wonderful. I'm more confused as to why he built me up so much, so it's not really disppointment that I'm feeling, it's more that I'm just a little perplexed about the situation. I appreciate that he was honest with me about the situation though, he did say he was torn between buying the birthstone ring and buying the jewelry box/perfume. But like he said he feels that he should "only buy one ring."
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Like I said a million trillion times, I don't see what is wrong with wanting a ring for a present. My ex bf bought me a ring that wasn't an engagement ring one Christmas. Nothing wrong with wanting a particular present... that is, when you're five and wanting Tickle-Me-Elmo, Fantasy Barbie, or a bee-bee gun. What's wrong here is you REQUIRING some sort of ring as a GIFT in order to be happy. What's wrong here is COMPARING what your EX gave you to what you got from "the love of your life." What's wrong here is that you're never satisfied with what your BF does or says unless it's what YOU want, without giving any consideration for his needs and desires. I was somewhat spoiled too as a child, to the extent that I pretty much got whatever I wanted and never had to share - the product of a single mother with an only child. But guess what, LB? Not one person has ever called me spoiled. Not one. Why? Because I don't behave as though I'm ENTITLED to things from others, or DESERVE things, or that I should get my way at the expense of others' comfort. To be perfectly honest, LB, your threads and posts suggest otherwise. Honestly, I can see why you CHOOSING to watch The Wizard of Oz over your BF and his friend's objection would almost be like the last straw on the camel's back, and would drive me to call you a spoiled brat as well. You didn't consider their desires or feelings in selecting that show and keeping it on when they asked you not to...THAT is being spoiled, and I'm sure it's only one example of many. In fact, I can think of many other things you've complained about, particularly related to gifts and dinners and money spent... I'm not trying to be harsh here, LB, but you really do come across as spoiled and VERY high maintenance.
Jilly Bean Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Oh and one more thing to add..in my defense I'm sorry but any women on here would be dispointed if their boyfriend toyed with them and built them up to think there was some huge special surprise in place..and then there wasn't. And if you don't feel that way you are in some serious denial. Yeah, I don't know about that, LB. My ex and I split about a year ago. The holidays are a rotten time for me as I miss him terribly, and so much of him is still all around the house, and my solitude is greatly magnified and I struggle with dating. For me, I would consider myself blessed to even HAVE a boyfriend, let alone be so bitchy about a gift. I can buy myself gifts, LB. I can buy myself rings and perfume and jewelry boxes. But I can't cuddle myself at night, and I don't ask myself how my day was or have anyone to ask that of, and I don't make myself laugh too often, and I don't have anyone to share private jokes, or looks or comments with, and I don't enjoy cooking so much for one person or eating alone at night. What is the saying? I cried because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Alright I feel like everyone is ganging up on me again, so I guess I have no reply.
LoveLace Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 You both sound happy, sounds solid and concretely obvious to me. These are the moments that are supposed to make a ring seem too materialistic. I'd be estatic to hear a guy say those words to me. When you no longer feel you need a ring as proof, I don't think anything can top that.
Trialbyfire Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 Alright I feel like everyone is ganging up on me again, so I guess I have no reply. Lauriebell82, you're a therapist. You know you have to own your own behaviour but then, your b/f should own his own behaviour. In order to ensure that he doesn't make his behavioural issues, yours, you have to set some hard boundaries. In other words, you need to stop empowering him to continue as such. What a piss off that you have to do it all, no? On the other hand, who's more unhappy with the situation?
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 FANTASTIC POST, Jilly Bean. I couldn't agree more. When BF asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told him I wanted a nice picture of him in a frame. Literally, that's all I wanted. That was my first gift, and at the time, I thought that's all there was...and I was happy. I only wanted to spend Christmas with him. Part of why I was so upset yesterday was simply because I wasn't with him, I wasn't cuddling him, laughing with him, cooking with him. I didn't care about the gifts, and if there's ANYONE on this board lately craving for some sign of real commitment from their BF, it's me...the one who's taking it "one day at a time." Alright I feel like everyone is ganging up on me again, so I guess I have no reply. Haven't you ever taken a moment to consider why your BF thinks you're spoiled or acts like a brat? He's upset because of your behavior, then you get upset only because he called you a brat (not even considering what caused him to think that way in the first place), and then the fight is resolved after he apologizes for calling you a spoiled brat without any resolution of the underlying issue: your spoiled-ness. You gotta nip this spoiled thing in the bud NOW LB, before it takes over your personality. No excuses.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 You know you have to own your own behaviour but then, your b/f should own his own behaviour. ? Critical point here, LB. I haven't seen any ownership on your part. You only point fingers at your BF. He MADE you feel this way, he MADE you think this way, he did this, he did that. But I never see you say, "Ya know what, I did/do this, and I can see what he thinks that because of it." BTW - I'm not defending your BF here, let's be clear about that. But you can't walk around placing blame before taking stock of your own behavior first.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 One other thing, LB, and I'll leave you alone. You're often mentioning all the nice things your BF does for you. What nice things do you do for him?
scratch Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 One other thing, LB, and I'll leave you alone. You're often mentioning all the nice things your BF does for you. What nice things do you do for him? She got him a gift certificate at a department store, duh.
Lishy Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 It is obvious that LB suffers with low self esteem, however, I do not think it is advisable to throw it in her face and make her feel worse - She is disappointed that she didnt get the ring he syked her up about. She must also be upset that she did not get a proposal - She has come here to discuss it and been jumped on! How is that helpful? You have done nothing wrong LB - Buy yourself the ring hon, you deserve it!
scratch Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 You have done nothing wrong LB. This is correct. Many come here to vent about what's bothering them because there really aren't any repercussions, and that makes it a great resource. However, the other side of the coin is present as well - you have to let criticism here roll off your back. Buy yourself the ring hon, you deserve it! She doesn't want the ring. She wants him to give it to her. That completely changes the context. I discussed this with a girl the other day, and we concluded that women like getting jewelry from men because it symbolizes to the world that a) the man has resources and b) the man values them.
Star Gazer Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 She got him a gift certificate at a department store, duh. I meant like...he does nice things for her non-holiday related. I'm wondering what she does for him that's along the same "nice" lines.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Alright, honestly guys he doesn't think I'm even spoiled..he said that out of anger just to piss me off, which of course it did. Anyway, actually I dont always get everything I want, and to use what you said earlier SG, I don't REQUIRE anything either. Actually I think I have handled the situation remarkably. The stuff I have said online is just my vented disappointment, but I have in no way made my bf feel bad or pressured or anything. I'm not disappointed about a proposal/birthstone ring present, I'm just a little let down. Oh to answer your question, I actually do a lot of nice things for my bf. I barely have any money because I'm a grad student but I try to buy him little things here and there, help him around his apartment, do the dishes, clean up, spend time with him, tell him I love him. I think those are all nice gf things to do. And he just told me tonight that he is lucky to have such a wonderful gf.
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