My gf is now seeing her ex from a very bad relationship

[NowWhat]

Sorry this is so long but I could really use some help here. It's very complicated - as these things always are - but basically, this woman came on to me a few months ago after recently ending a bad relationship - we'd known each other in social circles for a month or two but only talked a few times before and she said she had always felt drawn to me. I happen to know the person she was dating and there are some very serious problems there - including abuse, name calling, threats, all kinds of drama. They didn't have sex life at all and she constantly asked for affection, etc. and he was un-willing to do what she needed. We talked a lot and she always said what a connection she felt we had together - that she never felt this way for her ex and probably never (she's 45 so that's a big deal). We dated the past few months and really got along well, had a blast together. She would say that she had never met anyone she wanted to talk to for hours at a time. She'd say that time went by so fast when we were together. The sex was great for both of us - another thing she felt was so right and different from what she had before. She and her ex hadn't had sex for 8 months before they broke up. They were roommates for the most part which is why she said she felt ready to move on with me. She initiated everything....told me she was falling in love with me, that I was too good to be true. She'd seem so excited to see me and all the things that really convince you that someone's got it bad for you. Over the past few weeks,her ex found out we were seeing each other and got very upset and wants her back. She's put me through hell the past few weeks by saying she needed time to think (I was patient but concerned about this). She'd spend a few days away from me and then start calling me saying she missed me so much and couldn't stop thinking about me. I even told her not to contact me unless she was ready to move on from the past and she called me to say she didn't want her ex, that she saw him and the feelings just weren't there anymore. That she felt more for me on the phone than she felt for him in person. That she knows he'll never change, etc. So, we start back up and a few days later she is very upset and confused again - he'd called and was having a hard time knowing she was with me. Now she is seeing him and yet she still tells me that she misses me and that she knows she did fall in love with me but she's doing the best she can right now. She says that she got scared with us and that he is familiar. I get that she is confused but I'm so hurt that she actually wants to go back to him. she says that she won't go back if things don't change and I'm in shock because she knows deep down that this guy will not change. We've talked through it many times and he's just not that kind of guy - he's done the same thing with all his gfs. She even told me that it sometimes feels like he only wants her back because she's with someone else (me). I was her friend and supported her and was patient with her and now I'm so hurt that she would chose him over me. I feel so used. When I told her that, she just said that she didn't know what would happen. She said that I shouldn't say things like that because I don'[t know either. She says she just needs to figure it out. I know she is sorry for hurting me and that she feels bad, but I don't want to be someone she feels bad about. She really seemed to be into me - she said so much about having never met someone like me and having never felt some of what she was feeling. She would ask me amy feelings on marriage, children and we both wanted the same things and she would ask me if I was real. Did I really want those things too? After how crazy she acted over me and all the good things, and the passion and intensity between us, I just don't understand how she can go back to someone she was never even that crazy about to begin with - not to mention all the horrible stuff that went on between them. I know I have to let her go because there is no other choice. I don't want to be with her if she doesn't want me but I'm just very hurt to see it come down to this and I'm having a very hard time since it's Christmas. I'm away from my family and will now spend it alone.

[fabulousgal]

i'm so sorry, in a sorta similar situation. im telling myself to realize that if someone can't think clearly enough to let go of previous hope vs. what is actually going right bc it isn't guaranteed or known, it will be a loss for them. it sucks.

 

i sit too and wonder, did i just imagine a connection? you can't compete with an ex, and you should never ever have to. if someone is putting you in that place, its better to let them go. more than likely they will realize it one day, but your time is too precious to get caught up in the flaky back and forthness, nor do you deserve a demotion while they sort it out. Best thing to do, give space, hold your head high and walk away. If they are smart they will realize comfort in something broken is stupid to throw away something working.

 

sigh.