i'm so scared

[lovesparis]

my last thread got deleted in that system error thing or whatever.

 

it was about whether or not i should contact my ex if i find out he is going to move across the country.

 

when i wake up in the morning, i feel ok about just letting him go. that obviously we really weren't meant for each other, or he wouldn't be so damn stubborn, or obviously he just doesn't want to be with me and maybe i can accept that. or if we really are meant to be together things will work out later.

 

and then i think how's he supposed to know that i'm still interested in making something work if we haven't talked for 4 months? what if since he broke up with me, that he's afraid/embarassed to come to me, tail between legs. men (typically) have a terrible issue with pride... and maybe he just needs encouragement from me that i still want to try working on it.

 

i'm so scared that if i don't say something, i will regret it

i'm so scared that if i do say something, it won't change a damn thing and i'll just be back to where i started.

i'm afraid that if i just see him, i'll burst into tears & won't be able to say anything.

i'm afraid that if he does agree to meet me, that i will try to hide my true feeligns b/c they are too "over the top" and i will come off as mechanical. (i have a bad habit of doing this when i talk about something that means a lot to me, but id ont' want to show emotion about. like death.)

i'm afraid of the exact opposite too... that i'll spill exactly how i feel and look all fatal attraction and be the "crazy ex"

 

i have this hope inside me that if we just spent some time together, he would see that i've made all these changes and really have set about being a better person, a more loving person, and have redefined what a relationship means to me.... and that when he saw that, he would give me just one more shot. but if he doesn't, then ......

 

i have no doubt that even if he still lvoes me and has feelings for me, he *could* walk away forever. he cut his mom out of his life for 10 years. they did eventually repair their relationship, and it's been good for 6 years. i had hoped that he realized the damage that could cause, but now i'm not so sure.

 

i'm so afraid of making the wrong choice, that i don't know if i will make the right choice. all of my friends think i should contact him. all but 1 poster on my last post thought i should contact him.

 

 

oh dear, someone please take my keyboard away. sometimes my thoughts just run loose.

[lovesparis]

any one's thoughts on how to tell what the "right" decision is?

 

too often i think our pride keeps us from making the right decisions.

[brothermartin]

any one's thoughts on how to tell what the "right" decision is?

 

too often i think our pride keeps us from making the right decisions.

 

You know better what happened between the two of you than anyone on LS.

So, put yourself in his position. If you were him, knowing what you know about you, would you give yourself another chance?

[confuse80]

maybe you should call him and talk as a friend, say that its been a while and just wondering how he is. and maybe start a frienship rather than telling him you want to back as bf/gf, men hates when the female chasing them too much, just let him know slowly that you still into him and just pretend that you still care but never ever tell him you love him and want to go back. with frienship you will know his feelings too and you can see also if he is changing or not. then you might change your mind too about him.

[sedgwick]

I'd be careful of letting yourself fall into the "friends" trap if you're using that as a way to get him back. It will look disingenuous to him, and it will hurt you. I disagree with the above poster -- I really think honesty is the best policy. That doesn't mean calling him up and starting the conversation with "I love you and I want you back," but rather being clear about your intentions once you've made contact and found him to be receptive.

 

I know how you feel on this one, I really do. My heart goes out to you. We're living parallel lives I think!!

Edited December 26, 2007 by sedgwick

[s_n_d]

I think you should start talking to him again.

Im in pretty much the same situation as you.

Ive thought about all the things you just listed there. About how maybe soon i can show him that i have changed and he will see the woman he fell in love with.

I truly feel your pain.

*hug*

But considering you say hes possibly leaving the country, Id say call him and talk to him casually about what you both have been up to in the last few months and possibly ask him about the possible move. And if you sense that he doesnt want to talk on the phone, just end the call. Trust me. Theres no use wasting your time. Although i know exactly how you feel. Trust me on that.

Just make sure he knows that you still love him and you will always be there for him.

 

But at the end of the day, i think that if its meant to be you will find your way back to eachother.

 

SMILE:) I know exactly how your feeling. No guy is worth your tears.

[lovesparis]

thanks for your replies, all.

 

this board has been so helpful, even if it's just me sounding ideas out. sometimes i wonder if my posts sound as crazy and out of control to others as they do to me.

 

But at the end of the day, i think that if its meant to be you will find your way back to eachother.

 

yeah, i would agree with that. but in order for that to happen, someone has to make the first move. even if the powers that be would have us run smack dab into each other in the middle of somewhere, one of us would have to be the first to greet the other.

 

i've always steadfastly believed that no man is worth your (my) tears. until him. oh irony.

[s_n_d]

Hahahaha Yeah really. I believed that too. Yet i let myself cry over him(my ex). Ill always have the hope that itll work out with us one day. Maybe when were older or something..

[sedgwick]

oh god, i didn't even know how much i could cry until this breakup!!! i've never cried this much over ANYTHING. it's been 5.5 months and i still cry almost every day.

[lovesparis]

i hear ya, sed. i think that all the crying i never did has all decided to come out with this breakup b/c it's the only thing i cry over.

 

geez, i found myself crying at law and order the other night. it was pitiful.

[sumdude]

i hear ya, sed. i think that all the crying i never did has all decided to come out with this breakup b/c it's the only thing i cry over.

 

geez, i found myself crying at law and order the other night. it was pitiful.

 

Don't fault yourself or kick yourself for feeling how you do. It's natural and healthy to let your emotions out.. to a point.

 

Heck I'm a 39 year old man... this year since me wife left me I had no idea I could cry like I did.... I also think it was a lifetime of other things that added to it..

[s_n_d]

I feel your pain, Lovesparis.

I find myself crying over the stupidest things.

Like I started tearing up today while I was watching OPRAH.

[carrotgirl]

any one's thoughts on how to tell what the "right" decision is?

 

too often i think our pride keeps us from making the right decisions.

LP, at the end of the day, literal and metaphorical, the person you have to live with is yourself. If you will find yourself eaten up with regret because of a choice in a particular direction, then likely that direction is not right for you at the time.

 

To me, the right decision is when I can say, I'm making what I think is the best decision for myself now given all of the information I have right now. Sometimes later, I find, well, it wasn't a decision that made results I liked or wanted, but it was the right decision for me At The Time. So right or wrong, if I know in my bones I am choosing as best I can, then I can live with myself peaceably and without regret.

 

Also, something that I find works for me is looking deeply for the answer to What is it I fear....? And then I try to face that fear. I've found that the pain of facing the fear is far less than the pain of living with the fear. But again, this is what works for ME. You have to get your own style.

 

Love and strength to you!

Carrot

[blueskyeyes]

Replies in line below:

 

my last thread got deleted in that system error thing or whatever.

 

it was about whether or not i should contact my ex if i find out he is going to move across the country.

 

when i wake up in the morning, i feel ok about just letting him go. that obviously we really weren't meant for each other, or he wouldn't be so damn stubborn, or obviously he just doesn't want to be with me and maybe i can accept that. or if we really are meant to be together things will work out later.

 

and then i think how's he supposed to know that i'm still interested in making something work if we haven't talked for 4 months? what if since he broke up with me, that he's afraid/embarassed to come to me, tail between legs. men (typically) have a terrible issue with pride... and maybe he just needs encouragement from me that i still want to try working on it.

 

i'm so scared that if i don't say something, i will regret it

 

[JHB] - If only for your own piece of mind, you should say something.

 

i'm so scared that if i do say something, it won't change a damn thing and i'll just be back to where i started.

 

[JHB] - Yes but at least you won't look over your shoulder wondering if you should of said something.

 

i'm afraid that if i just see him, i'll burst into tears & won't be able to say anything.

 

[JHB] - Then write him an email or letter, it's better for your emotional health that you express what you are feeling.

 

i'm afraid that if he does agree to meet me, that i will try to hide my true feeligns b/c they are too "over the top" and i will come off as mechanical. (i have a bad habit of doing this when i talk about something that means a lot to me, but id ont' want to show emotion about. like death.)

 

[JHB] - Well a very a common thing, but often the "right" roads are the toughest. If you can be that brave, have the conversation in person. Also if you don't feel you can do it in person do it in an email/letter and aknowledge that you would normally say this in person but it's just too hard. You'll probably feel worse if you don't say something.

 

i'm afraid of the exact opposite too... that i'll spill exactly how i feel and look all fatal attraction and be the "crazy ex"

 

[JHB] - If you tell him how deeply you feel for him that is not the crazy ex, if you keep telling him then that is a little obsessive. If you tell him and it doesn't change anything then you need to sadly walk away. The right guy for you wouldn't leave you behind. If you're the one he'd find a way for him to stay or invite you to come along.

 

i have this hope inside me that if we just spent some time together, he would see that i've made all these changes and really have set about being a better person, a more loving person, and have redefined what a relationship means to me.... and that when he saw that, he would give me just one more shot. but if he doesn't, then ....

 

i have no doubt that even if he still lvoes me and has feelings for me, he *could* walk away forever. he cut his mom out of his life for 10 years. they did eventually repair their relationship, and it's been good for 6 years. i had hoped that he realized the damage that could cause, but now i'm not so sure.

 

i'm so afraid of making the wrong choice, that i don't know if i will make the right choice. all of my friends think i should contact him. all but 1 poster on my last post thought i should contact him.

 

[JHB] - IMHO the only wrong choice is not making a choice. A problem that many people have is they try to control the outcome. When you are worried about saying the "right" thing the subtext is that you are trying to say the one thing that will bring about the outcome you want. The problem is that in any communication there is what is said and what is heard. No matter how perfectly you say something, someone is going to hear what they want to hear. It's scary but you have no control over what someone hears. IF you express how you feel and he still leaves why is it due to a defect in you? Maybe he's the one with issues? A big mistake many people do is change themselves trying to please another. Sometimes that will keep the person there for a bit but eventually you will consciously or unconsciously resent that person. Be what no other woman in this world can be...yourself. We are all perfectly imperfect. In the end there may be other reasons he is leaving.

 

oh dear, someone please take my keyboard away. sometimes my thoughts just run loose.

 

[JHB] - When my head runs in 500 directions at once it's because again I'm trying to control the outcome. It helps to focus on what you have control over. Say what you need to say and then let go and let God.....

 

I wish you the best. Love is the hardest work but the most rewarding.

 

Peace, Love,

 

-JHB

Edited December 29, 2007 by blueskyeyes
spelling

[lovesparis]

blueskies... i cannot tell you how wonderful your thoughts are, and how much it means to me that you took all that time to say them.

thank you