Can anyone offer some so I can get some closure...??

[Confused9]

I'm working on it redblack I promise. I really really am!

 

It's time for me to start living for me!

[PinkRibbon]

Why is it that now we are apart I "don't really love him" or "I am in love with what he could have done"? But when we were together It was ok to be in love with him. Are we just changing it around to make ourselves think we truly don't love them and feel better. And if that is true then did we ever truly love them?

 

I know him suffering will not change a thing but it sure would make me feel better knowing he isn't getting off scott free. I am a person he was married to still married to and he has no right to throw mw away like that. Not fair that he decides for both of us.

[Confused9]

Why is it that now we are apart I "don't really love him" or "I am in love with what he could have done"? But when we were together It was ok to be in love with him. Are we just changing it around to make ourselves think we truly don't love them and feel better. And if that is true then did we ever truly love them?

 

I know him suffering will not change a thing but it sure would make me feel better knowing he isn't getting off scott free. I am a person he was married to still married to and he has no right to throw mw away like that. Not fair that he decides for both of us.

 

 

I agree PR. I say this everyday. I want him to suffer as I did. I really do! But, unfortunately, I may never know if he does...because he is the only one who would tell me and he won't talk to me. Plus, I doubt he would tell me. He made his bed. Now he has to lie in it or so he says.

 

As for the love part. Obviously, we loved them! I don't know why people say perhaps you loved what you thought you were. I mean...we were what we thought we were. Then they cheated. Then it changed. We obviously love them. Why else would we be so hurt?

[PinkRibbon]

You know I am going to get better. I am going to move past this and I am going to become the person he wishes he still had in his life and regrets ever leaving. I am going to do everything I can to make myself wonderful. I am going to write the book I have always but off, I am going exercise and maintain this weight I have lost and I am going to be a beautiful person. I am going to dress with care everytime I leave the house and not just for work. I am going to put my makeup and fix my hair with the attitude that today maybe the day that I feel great about myself. And one day when I am ready some wonderful man will come into my life and make my husband pale in comparison. And my husband will 100% find out about all this because we both work at the same place and I don't see either of us leaving since we have so much vested there. I want him to see how good I look and I want him to find out about all the great things I am doing. And I want what ever skanky trailer trash college girl he is dating to pale in comparision to me. I did let him wear me down. I was a beautiful woman and I dressed very nice with a hint of attitude because that is the way I fellt but over the years of hearing and knowing how he felt about me I got ugly in everything I did. No more! He will regret everything because I know he will never get better than me. He will think he has but I know from his past women that he won't. He is only in it for a quick return of sex and a relationship that last 6 months. He often told me that when ever a "girl" would start arguing with him he would dump her because he doesn't like it. I am the only woman he let push his buttons. And IF IF IF the day ever comes he speaks to me I will be polite and cordial and show him that I have risen about all this crap and I don't want him in my life anymore.

 

Ohew ok that was a tirad from heck wasn't it? hahahahaha:p Now I just have to stick to this.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well let him have his clean slate. As clean as it can be I guess. No matter how far he moves or how many times he tries to change thing...the same problems will arise with them and the same baggage will appear.

 

Plus, he is going to have to live with what he has done for the rest of his life. To me...I'd much rather be on my end than his. That's a lot of guilt to carry around!

 

That's exactly right- but at the time the cheater is not thinking clearly- not thinking about the implications of their actions.

 

I've been guilty, and let me tell you it took a long time for me to not feel like sxht everyday. I'm finally there and it's been years.

[Confused9]

good for you PR. Don't do this to show him though...do this for you!!! Who cares what he thinks anymore? You have always been a wonderful person. It's his loss!

 

You do all those things to make yourself feel better. Who cares about him! He should regret it regardless.

 

Pixie,

 

Thanks for your advice. You've been very helpful. I cant' wait till I am over this hump!

[Mz. Pixie]

Pixie,

 

Thanks for your advice. You've been very helpful. I cant' wait till I am over this hump!

 

You're welcome.

 

I think you should look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself how wonderful you are- and that you are the PRIZE!!!! If he doesn't want the prize then that's his problem, not yours!

[dgiirl]

Why is it that now we are apart I "don't really love him" or "I am in love with what he could have done"? But when we were together It was ok to be in love with him.

 

Let me ask you then, do you really love a man who looks at other women in front of you? Who blatantly flirts with other women right in front of you? A man who refuses to wear his wedding ring? A man who tells you, his wife, "let's not and say we did" to sex. A man who says he hates touching you? A man you cannot hug, nor cuddle, nor kiss with? A man who tells you he doesnt like the way you look? A man who does not support you, financially and emotionally? A man who refuses to compromise on anything with you? Who doesnt see the importance of your family? These are all the things you have told us about this man.

 

And if I were in your shoes (and I was in very similar shoes), I would want my husband not to stare at other women. I would not want him to flirt with other women. I would want him to wear his wedding ring and be proud that I am his wife. I would want him to do the total opposite of all the above. But the above things are WHO he is. So if I didnt want him to do the above, do the things that IS HIM, then I'd want him to be different, and thus I question if you really love HIM or the idea of what you wanted him to be.

 

I'm not trying to attack you. I'm trying to honestly help you, but I still think you are wearing rose tinted glasses and are trying to defend this man who has been very abusive to you. I wish you could see that ALL of the above things he has done are WRONG. He's treated you pretty crappy, been pretty abusive to you, and you are still wanting the abuse back in your life.

[PinkRibbon]

Let me ask you then, do you really love a man who looks at other women in front of you? Who blatantly flirts with other women right in front of you? A man who refuses to wear his wedding ring? A man who tells you, his wife, "let's not and say we did" to sex. A man who says he hates touching you? A man you cannot hug, nor cuddle, nor kiss with? A man who tells you he doesnt like the way you look? A man who does not support you, financially and emotionally? A man who refuses to compromise on anything with you? Who doesnt see the importance of your family? These are all the things you have told us about this man.

 

And if I were in your shoes (and I was in very similar shoes), I would want my husband not to stare at other women. I would not want him to flirt with other women. I would want him to wear his wedding ring and be proud that I am his wife. I would want him to do the total opposite of all the above. But the above things are WHO he is. So if I didnt want him to do the above, do the things that IS HIM, then I'd want him to be different, and thus I question if you really love HIM or the idea of what you wanted him to be.

 

I'm not trying to attack you. I'm trying to honestly help you, but I still think you are wearing rose tinted glasses and are trying to defend this man who has been very abusive to you. I wish you could see that ALL of the above things he has done are WRONG. He's treated you pretty crappy, been pretty abusive to you, and you are still wanting the abuse back in your life.

 

 

This is the most eye opening comment I have read. No I don't want that type of man in my life. He wasn't very nice to me. At first when we got married he was great but I guess it is hard keeping a false front up. He wasn't very nice when we dated either.

You know I just wanted to be #1 for him that's all. I wanted to be as important as his friend and his family but I was always the last person on his totem pole. Everyone was ahead of me.

 

I know you are not attacking me. So don't even think that You are being honest and there is nothing ever wrong with being honest.

[Confused9]

You're welcome.

 

I think you should look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself how wonderful you are- and that you are the PRIZE!!!! If he doesn't want the prize then that's his problem, not yours!

 

 

Thanks Pixie...I will try! : )

[dgiirl]

At first when we got married he was great

 

Of course he was. And I do not believe someone is completely bad, I'm sure there is still some good in him. But if you are like me, I think you'll find that the love you have for your husband is for the man in the past, not the present. And it's hard to let go when you keep hoping for the past, and maybe even see a few glimpses of good in him now which reminds you of the past. But you have to be really objective of your present situation and take a deep hard look at who he is today, not who he was, nor who you want him to be. All relationships go through their rough times, and when you neglect a relationship it will not last. It sounds like your husband has checked out some time ago and does not want to put in the effort to save this marriage. And although it is painful right now, I do believe in time you will see that you are better off in the long run for him to leave now than for you to keep living the way you presently are living, feeling neglected and always last in his life.

 

I can relate VERY well to those feelings as I was constantly seeking my husbands approval, pride, attention, love, and wanting to be first in his life. He left for another woman, and at first I was hurting very much. I thought I loved him too. It took time for me to realize that the man I truly loved was gone. It was the man I knew when I first met him. And it was the man I needed him to be. It wasnt the man who he was presently. When I realized that I felt like utter crap only when I was around HIM. That HE no longer saw me as special, but instead hated me, thought very poorly of me, and made me feel like he was right. It was HIS words and actions that made me feel crap about myself. And that it was ONLY him who saw this negative version of me, not my friends, not my family. Everyone else LOVED me. I realized I gave him WAY too much power over me. I then made the decision that I no longer wanted to feel horrible about myself, and that worse case scenario, (and worse case scenario's rarely happen, but I like to be prepared), if I lived alone for the rest of my entire life, I would rather that than to keep living the way I had been, depressed, stressed, feeling absolutely horrible about myself. When my husband was no longer there, it was quite and peaceful.

 

It took time and effort, but happiness slowly returned back into my life. I changed my internal dialogue, got rid of his voice telling me how ugly I was, how mean and selfish I was, and replaced it with a more loving respectful voice. And when I said something negative to myself, I really questioned if there was truth in that statement. If there was truth, I changed. If there was no truth in it, I stopped saying and believing it about myself. Along with that, I started living for myself. I started doing the things i wanted to do, things that would make ME happy, especially things I could never do when I was with my ex

 

It took time for me to rebuild my self esteem, and I did not date for two and a half years after my ex left. And not because I never had any options. I had a lot of options. But I was just not ready. And now that I am, the man I am currently with is showing me how I deserve to be treated and I appreciate and adore him SO much for it. So many simple sweet gestures from opening car doors, to letting me stay in doors while he goes out into the cold and rain to fetch the car, things I find a lot of women take for granted, but after living with my exh for 10 years, and never receiving a single sweet gesture like this because its "cheesy" or for "wussies", I cant help but stop thanking him for doing for me and I'm constantly amazed that he does this all without me asking.

 

You deserve a man who does not look at any other woman BUT you. Who shows you respect when you are together AND apart. Those are just BASIC things you deserve in a relationship. And you should definitely feel like a priority in your husband's life.

 

Give yourself time to heal your heart, but once you start dating again, you will be amazed at HOW many guys will treat you right! And the ones who dont, feel free to kick them to the curb! I have a very low tolerance now for crappy treatment. I will never ever live the way I did before. I will never spend another 10 years hoping my life would be better, and just waiting for things to automagically fix themselves. I will now be an active participant in my life and if I want romance or fun or adventure, and am not currently getting it, *I* will make the steps to get it, and if my partner STILL does not participate in that, I will then freely kick them out of my life (within reason). Life is WAY too short to not be happy anymore. I think my only problem now is I enjoy my independence a little TOO much now. I've gone from focusing my whole life around my exh, and not being happy, to focusing my whole life around ME, and being VERY happy.

[PinkRibbon]

I agree with everything you have said. The man I love was my husband when we got married not the man he had become. I don't know if I was a cause of his change or not but he had become someone I didn't like very much. I love him but didn't like and I am am sure he felt the same way. At least that is what he said. It just to hurt so bad when I would see him walk right by my lobby with his friends going to lunch and I would think I am 20 feet away in my office why can't he stop in and say hi or give me a hug or something but he said his friends couldn't be late so he never stopped. He used to stop but not with his new friends.

I don't know. I just hurt so much and wish he was back but I do realize he was not a nice person to me. It has been 3 months of the 6th of January since I moved out and that will be 30 days of no contact also and I feel like crap. I just want him to tell me he loves me, give me a hug and say we can work this out. But I won't get it and here it is a new year and I am crying over him like a fool.

[Confused9]

I don't know if I was a cause of his change or not but he had become someone I didn't like very much

PR, You did NOT cause him to change or make poor choices. That's all on him. He did that...he needs to live with that. You deserve better. You deserved to be cared about. You deserve romance! Don't put blame on yourself. I mean, could we all be better to those that love us, sure thing, but that doesn't mean we caused them to cheat, lie, manipulate or hurt us.

 

You can't cause someone to turn in to something...they do that themselves.

 

This is your time to begin loving yourself again. Make yourself happy. you don't need someone else to do that for you : )

 

Cheers to a brighter new year!!!

[dgiirl]

here it is a new year and I am crying over him like a fool.

 

Sweetie, you are NOT a fool. Crying is a healthy form of grieving. And in the early stages, you definitely need to cry, to grieve, to get out all these emotions so they do not build up, fester and then explode later. While your heart is broken, you might as well cry now, instead of trying to hide or suppress it and then having these emotions come out down the road when you can be having more fun!

 

This is one thing I had to learn to control. My internal dialog. I use to say a lot of really hurtful things to myself that I would NEVER say to another person. I'm ugly, I'm mean, I'm selfish, I'm an idiot, I cant cook, I will never survive on my own, No one will ever want me, I'll be alone for the rest of my life, I'll never have kids, I'll never be married again, I'm too old, etc. Things I would NEVER ever think, let alone say to another person, I would say to myself. I would hope you are a kind enough person that if one of your friends, or even a complete stranger, was crying over an ex who they just broke up with, you would not call them a fool! And if you are such a kind person to not do this to others, then why would you do it to yourself?

 

It is OK to cry. I cried the first 6 months 24/7! I spent a lot of time on bathroom floors at work and at home crying. It was the only place I could find some privacy to cry. At the 6 months stage, my mom became very sick and went into the hospital. At that stage, I realized that I had wasted 6 months of my life grieving over my marriage and I needed to start focusing on other things that are a priority in my life.

 

You need to start doing things that will rebuild your self esteem. I started very slowly. At first it was just taking pride in my appearance. I started putting on nail polish (I never use to wear it before), taking long hot bubble baths, and going shopping just to try (not always buy) clothes. Things that filled up my time.

 

When I was feeling really low, I gave myself a set amount of time to cry, and then I would put the focus back onto me and take a deep look in the mirror and focus on all my positive physical attributes. We all have at least ONE thing about our appearance that makes us feel pretty!

 

I forced myself to get up and dressed every single day, including weekends, whether I was exhausted or not, because if I did not go out, I knew I would relapse even harder the next day. I took very long long walks around the city and started exploring it like a tourist. I went to all the touristy places I never really went to before, took my camera, and just took a lot of photos.

 

I learned to cook and would get a new recipe every other weekend and follow it. I was an absolutely horrible cook, so learning to cook became a necessity AND it filled up my spare time.

 

I would go to the local library often to read all the self help books. I did not particularly want to buy so many books (they add up), so I would go to the library on weekends. It gave me a reason to get dressed, helped me focus on other things, and I learned a lot. I also read financial books too.

 

The whole purpose is to keep yourself sooo busy that you stop spending ALL your time thinking about your ex. I thought about him enough as is, he was on my mind for a very long time, from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep, and often in my dreams. I couldnt stop thinking about him, so anything that kept myself busy helped just a little bit. I also learned how to control my thoughts. That was super hard for me, but when I realized I was dwelling on him, which was bringing up memories and thoughts that hurt me, yet he was no longer in my life, thus I, myself, was inflicting pain on my own self, I learned to switch my internal dialog from negative to positive thoughts. And this is the key to happiness! You are in charge of your own happiness! Not one person can make you unhappy unless you ALLOW them to. You might not always get your own way, but what you choose to focus on, and HOW you choose to focus on it, can determine your happiness! You can either think about your ex and how badly he treated you, OR you can think about all the future possibilities your new life can bring you, ALL the dreams you wanted for yourself are NOW possible again. You can either dwell on all the things you've lost and let this experience ruin your life, OR you can look for positives in this experience, learn from it, create GOOD from it, and create a BETTER more fulfilling life for yourself. It's ALL your choice!

[sumdude]

Everything dgiirl had say!

 

Accept your emotions and don't kick yourself for having them.

 

Hey, I'm a man, almost 1 year since the separation and 4 months since the official divorce. Every once in a while...I'll admit.. the holidays.. new years it'll get me and there will be some wetness around the eyeballs.. I give myself a little time to feel it. Then get up, out and about living life. It's part of being human. If we didn't feel, what would we be?

Edited January 2, 2008 by sumdude

[PinkRibbon]

Thank you everyone for the great words of encouragement. In a few days it will be 3 months since I moved out and 1 month since we have talked and I still miss him so much and think about him practically every minute of every day. I really wish I had a second chance but I don't and won't so I am slowly moving forward. Baby steps.

I have an interview in a town about 4 hours away up in the mountains in 3 weeks. I don't like the cold but it is closer to family. I don't have any here because he was my only family here. So I am trying to get closer. So I'll go and see how that school is and keep looking. I have a great job but with us working at the same place and this being our mutual home it makes it hard to come to work everyday especially since our well his house is right across the street from work. I hate seeing his "friends" car there. So I'll keep myself busy scouting out new places. The world is wide open for me.

 

Sometimes though all I can think about is "I wanna go home" and I can never go home again. Home is with him.

[Confused9]

It's time to make a new home PR. Your new home for you and your daughter. That old home is tainted and won't feel the same.

 

 

 

I know that's hard...but...it's what you need to do. Just keep moving forward and waking up each day moving forward. You are doing the right thing looking to move back to a place with the people that love you.

 

Take care of yourself!

[Gunny376]

Outstanding posts Gang!

 

Dgriil! You've come a long way since I've made your acquantence over the last year or so! So have you SumDude. Glad to see you posting again!

 

You never really get over someone that you've gave your all to? You just learn to live with it! You learn to accept it! You learn how to cope with it, and to deal with it!

 

At first? Its like dragging a dead mule around with you everywhere you go, and to make it worse? People are always pointing out to you that you're dragging a dead mule around with youself everywhere you go!

 

But, (and I've thought about this for a long, long time) its about dependecy issues. And a lot of that stems from childhood. Yada, yada, get on the couch and talk to the psych.

 

I was married for twelve years, and shacked up for another 6 and a half. After the last one and I split, I made my mind up to be single and alone, to quit being a fool and get my happy @ss back into school! I had myself some "lessons" to learn! Cause I couldn't tote the note on all this heart-ache and pain!

 

And Dgriil's got it right! You've got to learn how to be happy with yourself, before you can learn how to be happy with someone else!

 

SumDude's got it right! I'm a retired United States Marine ~ and I cried a river of tears over my divorce! My EX-HEX!

 

Its beem eighteen years for me, and I just this week have gotten to where I can even listen to Country Music again. George Jones, Clint Black, Clay Walker, and Garth Brooks, (My 28 year old daughter still hasn't forgiven me for naming her "Garth")

[PinkRibbon]

Ok on a mean and snarky note....my ex went to the dr again this week. He has gone now 8 times since we split 3 months ago and once a week since the end of Nov. Minus the week we were closed. You know I am wondering if it is a std, depression or not being able to sleep. He had one large charge then the rest are amounts for perscriptions. The curiosity is killing me!!! I hope to goodness he is sick and hurting. I maybe sad and depressed but I am not sick thank goodness. All this talk of "I can't change my mind".....I wonder if this has anything to do with it? Ok that was just reaching but it felt good to let me mind wander in that direction. Too bad we are not talking I would really like to know.

 

But I am also getting mad as heck. This is just not fair!!! Why do I have to have NC? Why do I have to not have my husband? How come I have to be misearble and alone while he is Mr. Happy. This sucks butt big time and I am getting pretty sick and darn tired of all this. I want him back and me hiding from him is not going to get him back. This whole thing bites.

Edited January 6, 2008 by PinkRibbon

[redblack66]

 

But I am also getting mad as heck. This is just not fair!!! Why do I have to have NC? Why do I have to not have my husband? How come I have to be misearble and alone while he is Mr. Happy. This sucks butt big time and I am getting pretty sick and darn tired of all this. I want him back and me hiding from him is not going to get him back. This whole thing bites.

 

I understand what you feel.

Well, will being available get him back? One of the things I learned:

don't do what does not work.

 

A friend of mine just told me her prayer; she grew up with it:

"God give me the strength to change those things that I can, the serenity to accept those I can't change, and the wisdom to differentiate between the two."

 

Many of us have to repeat this. I will for sure everyday for many days to come.

[your star]

hii PinkRibbon,

 

since you were soo kind to post on my thread. I would like to do the same for you. Sorry I just saw this thread now..

 

Sometimes it takes us going through bad experiences to see the negatives a person has in them. It is quite obvious you love your husband purely and that is something he should forever be grateful for. My ex also was very mean to me for a period of time. I later learned it was his way of trying to push me away, rather than deal with the hurt and sadness he left upon me. But you know what, it comes back to haunt them. I know you probably think youre husband is off happy somewhere. Even if he is lost in the moment, he can't run from it forever.

 

after reading your post, I truly believe you deserve more. There are MEN out there who will always want to show you affection, no matter what. There are MEN out there who will only have eyes for you. As you know, I just recently started no contact with my ex who I was with for over 6 years. Let me say that I love him soo much, but having this alone time has really allowed me to reflect back on things. But the one thing that helps me move on is knowing that I was the best I could be for him. I can go to sleep at night knowing this, and he will someday have to deal with the fact that he let a great person go..just as your husband is doing.

 

The only advice I can offer you is just stay strong and take one day at a time..

[Gunny376]

It would take me

 

a "month of Sunday's" to explain it to you.

 

But its about facing your fears of being alone. Being single. Its about confronting your fears.

 

Its about learing how to become automoious, and acheiving "sefl-awarness". Its about being OK with who and what you are ~ as you are.

 

Its about letting go! Its about "falling back into your life" and into yourself!

 

Its learing how to "breath"~ just breath!

 

Its about learning about how not to be afraid!

 

Its about learning how to be comfortable in your own skin!

 

Its about learning to tell yourself, "No matter what! It will be Alight!"

 

Its about gaining and having faith and confidence in yourself!

 

Its about believing in yourself!

 

Its about having faith in yourself!

 

Its about having confidence in yourself!

 

Its about trusting in yourself!

[PinkRibbon]

First of all I am not afraid of being alone. I have confidence in myself. And I have faith in myself. Those were never any of the problems I have been facing since he left. The problem plain and simple is I love him and miss him. I am not a ground licking spineless butt kissing little whimp. If I was I would be emailing him everyday and showing up on his door or walking over to his office. We work at the same place so it takes will power not to take the 5 minutes to walk to his office. I have talked to him a total of 4 times in the last 3 months and I haven't seen him at all. I am not out chasing di** or out partying or drunk dialing and I am not playing little games with him. I am home taking care of my child, going to work, taking classes and making a life for myself without him but I still miss him and love him.

 

I know I will have another serious realtionship in my life. I am a good person, nice looking woman and I will have another. But this someone is the one that I fell in love with. The someone I wanted to be with forever. And for him to dump me like trash. I am his wife for god's sake. I deserve all the effort and energy it takes just as I will give him all the effort and energy it takes because that is what your spouse does for you. You stay married and do what it takes to stay married. You don't quit, you don't cheat and you STAY TOGETHER! I don't cheat, I don't even look, I pay my own bills and support myself even when married. So why couldn't he give the effort to me.

 

I am just very depressed right now wondering what he is doing, who he is with and why in the heck he didn't put any effort into us.

I just want a hug from him. He sucks big time.

 

Sorry for venting to everyone.

[Confused9]

Oh PR...I feel your pain. I really do. I wish and hope it will get easier for us. Regardless of what he did...I still just want him back too. People may say its becasue I miss the body, or I'm lonely or whatever, but in all honesty...it's because it's him!

 

I am sorry we have to go through this!!! I wish I had answers or words of wisdom to help us get through...but unfortunately I don't.

[velouria]

Oh PR...I feel your pain. I really do. I wish and hope it will get easier for us. Regardless of what he did...I still just want him back too. People may say its becasue I miss the body, or I'm lonely or whatever, but in all honesty...it's because it's him!

 

I am sorry we have to go through this!!! I wish I had answers or words of wisdom to help us get through...but unfortunately I don't.

 

 

count me in ladies. That was one thing that stuck in my craw. After everything he ruined and everyone he hurt and the damage he did to his own career I still feel like he's the one. I even feel very sad for him because he's messed everything up so bad. He must have been in agonizing pain to destroy everything like he has. I still want to help him even though I'm the one that catches all his hell.

 

I am so sorry for you that you have menn that you've cherished turn on you like this. I honestly feel like sometimes mine acted and acts the way he does because it's the only way he can stand on me. Like he did this to me to bring me down to his level. He says he's still miserable so, gee, it may not have been his wife and kids after all. I don't know, I don't think he fully understood that he will always have to deal with us.

 

Being busy sounds like the best advice I've heard and thankfully I have two little ones to immerse myself in. I'm just afraid that I'm never going to meet someone else. I'm not brave anymore.