Can anyone offer some so I can get some closure...??

[PinkRibbon]

I know what you mean about them being angry at you. Up until a week before I moved out my husband was "trying" by texting me stuff and being nice then boom! 180 degree turn. Now he is pissed as heck at me and I don't know why. Well I know why...another woman I think. But still be an adult and be civil. There is no call for meaness and hatefullness. You left me remember. I still hope he burns.

We are at 3 months of no seeing each other and 3 weeks of NC. YUCK!

 

I am curious though do people ever get back together when something like this happends?

 

And I am feeling to urge to quit my job and move towards my family about 3 hours away and just start over. I have no family here...he was my only family here...and right now I wish they were closer. I am wondering do people ever just up and move and feel better about it?

[Confused9]

I don't understand why they are mean, either. Perhaps it's guilt? Perhaps like someone in the thread said, it's because they are rewriting the history of our relationship in order to make themselves feel better for what they have done? Regardless of why they are doing it...WE DO NOT DESERVE IT!!!

 

It sounds to me like there is definately another woman in his life. I know how hard that is to hear and believe...trust me I went 2 months thinking it had nothing to do with a girl becasue that is what he told me and I believed him. That caused me to push harder and show him I loved him more. This I believe drove him away. I was just in the way at that point. I am still shocked that I am living this. It feels like a nightmare. I wish I could wake up and it would all be over.

 

I guess the best thing for both of us to do is move on. If I were you I would move closer to those that matter most to me. I don't know waht I would have done without my support system. Like you, he was my family. If I didn't have my girlfriends I would be lost. My family is wonderful but they all have thier own crap going on and can't be there for me like I need them too.

 

Are you in counseling? You may have said that in an earlier post...I forget? If not...get in to counseling. It will help A LOT!

 

I don't know if relationships get past this. I would be willing to try with mine in a heartbeat. I know that sounds silly but I loved this man with all my heart and still do. He was my first love. I miss everything about him. Too bad he can't say the same about me. It's almost like I am the enemy now. He still continues to try and hurt me and I have been completely NC. It's awful waht he has become.

 

I don't remember who said this on here, but it really really stood out to me. I believe it was someone on the infedility board. They said...I only need to live with what he HAS done TO me. He has to live with what HE did to me. The guilt, regret, shame, etc of what HE DID!

 

I think starting over may be good for you. I got an apartment and it is great to not have to llive in our old place! They loneliness is still there but he has never been in my apt so it's one place where I don't say...remember when?

[sumdude]

It's pretty common in divorces. I know my ex did the same thing to me. Not only do they have to build the case and convince themselves that they're justifed in what they're doing but they have to convince you too.

 

These are great articles that explained it well for me.

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/junk_person.html

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/leavor.html

 

and a whole slew of helpful stuff here.

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html

Edited December 27, 2007 by sumdude

[Mz. Pixie]

Pixzie,

 

Did you ever regret your decision? After the 'smoke cleared' and the affair wasn't an affair anymore...did you realize that you shouldn't have left your H? Did your love for him really not go away?

 

I ask because I am going through something similiar and while I know we are over for good (too much damage has been done) I wonder if his lack of regret and remorse is just a temporary thing. We were very much in love and he had an affair - got really caught up in it and now she is pregnant. He moved out of state and has barely talked to anyone in our old life. To me it just seems so strange and I can't believe that it's real. I just wonder if this new world he has is going to come crashing down and if I will ever get the apology I deserve?

 

I deeply regret my decision to have an affair. I deeply regret that I hurt my exhusband as badly as I did. I didn't ask for a divorce until after the affair was over- and I didn't divorce him to be with my OM either. I don't regret not being married to him anymore because he wasn't capable for some reason of meeting my needs- and he just plain out didn't want to. What I regret is the fact that my children have had to suffer because of my decision to divorce.

 

I have apologized to my ex and asked for his forgiveness. He has chosen not to forgive me. That's his choice and I understand it.

 

When you're involved in an affair it's like an addiction. You're addicted to what it is you're getting from this person that you need. Have you been to marriagebuilders to read there? Lots of good stuff on this there.

 

You may or may not ever get an apology. I'm sorry to say it sounds like he is not coming back. Don't live your life waiting for his apology.

 

I have always said that when people say they want closure what they really want is continued contact with that person in the hopes that person will change their mind. You should have all the closure you need that this person doesn't want to be with you anymore and has moved on to someone else. I know that sounds harsh, but seriously-you're looking for something to make it better but the only thing that will really make it better is for that person to apologize and want to work it out- anything less than that is not what we seek usually.

 

I will always have love in my heart for my ex- because we have two great kids together- and we grew up together- yet I don't still wish I was married to him. I'm remarried now to an awesome man who doesn't think my needs are petty and who actively works on our marriage. It's made a huge difference in my life and outlook on relationships that he truly "gets it".

[Confused9]

Thanks Pixie,

 

I understand why you would think I want him back and I won't lie - part of me does, I mean, who wouldn't after losing something so quickly without any say? But, I know that we would never have what we had before and that I deserve better so I am not really looking for him to return and try and fix things, I am looking for him to realize that what he did after he cheated is heartless and should have been handled much differently.

 

I gave this man 7 years of my life. I gave him my virginirty (sorry if TMI), I gave him my world. Did we fight, of course. Was it perfect, no. BUT, we were in love and he never made an effort to fix what was broken (if there was something broken which caused him to cheat???) I don't know why he cheated on me. I know that when he went out there he was in love with me and was onboard for this wedding.

 

I know that the minute he cheated he changed. Do I think I caused him to cheat, no. But, I still don't know why he did and what caused him to chose her over me. I also will never understand the meaness. He made me feel like a pile of dog crap! He continues to post things on his myspace page as little digs to me. Now, I know I don't need to look at this, but I do...my fault, but I have remained in full NC - I left him alone like he asked me to and he continues to hurt me.

 

This is a man that knows my pain from my father leaving me and pretty much doing the same thing he did (walked away without looking back and was awfully mean to me) and how he can do that to me knowing my history and how screwed up it made me makes me sick. I trusted this man and he walked all over me at the end and tried to make me blame myself. I want an apology for that! I don't want someone back who could be so heartless and rude to someone they suppossedly loved for 7 years. What I do want is for him to realize what he did was wrong on many levels and to apologize for it. I also want him to stop trying to hurt me still. I left him alone...he should do the same.

 

He is acting like a child. He cheated, he left, he was mean, he blamed me. Was I out on that dance floor the night they met, no. I was 1,000s of miles away planning our wedding. Was I the one who gave her his number or pushed him to sleep with her, no! I was here being faithful. What he did is inexcusable. But, I am mostly hurt by his rude words after the fact. That's what I want an apology for. I don't even think I am hurt by the cheating as much as the way he ended things and made me feel like I was worthless. He was my best friend. He meant everythnig to me and I thought he felt the same. I feel like such a fool.

[dgiirl]

I don't feel sick from a disease. I love my husband and want him back but I realize he is not coming back. If being in love with him is a disease then I guess I have one.

 

Do you really really love HIM? Or do you really really want HIM to love you the way you _need_ to be loved? Reread your threads. Your complaints about the marriage have been his lack of attention to you. His wandering eye, his lack of small tokens of affection to you, his lack of touching. ALL things a wife DESERVES to have in her life, he denies you this and then makes you feel to be too demanding? If this was your daughter, would you think it's acceptable? You are setting a role model for your daughter and ALL women. This treatment should not be acceptable to you. And trust me, you will be a LOT happier alone (if that would ever happen), than to be in a loveless lonely marriage.

 

I'm sorry to say this but I REALLY believe you should be THANKFUL he's left your life. I know the pain you are feeling right now. I've felt it. I thought my husband was amazing, that he was a saint and the best thing to have ever happen to me. It took me a REALLY long time to realize that _our_ relationship (I played a role in this too) was abusive. My husband denied me my needs in a partner and in turn, I denied him his needs. Consciously or unconsciously. And when he left for another woman, I felt like an old maid at the age of 30. I felt hopeless and that my life was over. That i'd never find love, that i'd never remarry, and that i'd never have kids. So I took a deep look at myself and my life, and I started to become an active player in it. I CHANGED my life for the better. And I am SOOOOOOO happy with it now. I've gained an appreciation for life and all my family and friends. I am thankful for each passing day. I can now look in the mirror and see a VERY pretty woman. I can now see how guys flirt and pay attention to me. I dont know if I'll ever remarry, or if I'll ever have kids, but I do know my life will be good and there is more to it than just the status of wife and mother.

 

Let me ask you this question, if the man of your dreams walked into your life tomorrow, the man who only has eyes for you, who wants to shower you with love, affection, and romance, would you still honestly want your husband?

 

My current boyfriend has showed me how relationships are suppose to be. It's amazing how much I deprived myself of a healthy relationship. I'm still learning that showing small amounts of affection in public are ok. It feels absolutely heavenly when he reaches out for my hand first when walking down the street, or sneaks his hand under the table and reaches for my knee. I'm brought to tears every time he says he misses me and cant wait to see me again. After 5 months of dating, he's still opening car doors for me. And for Christmas he bought me some girly bath lotion and perfume. Things I dreamt for years that my husband would do just once, things that would make me know that my husband loved me, yet things my husband would refuse to give me and make fun of me for wanting, my boyfriend does freely of his own accord. I'm shocked and stunned and SO SO grateful.

 

Your husband has left, and sadly that is painful. I do not know if he will come back or not, but from this moment on, YOU are 100% responsible for your own future and happiness. If he comes back and continues his treatment towards you, then YOU own that. If he doesnt, you are STILL responsible for your own happiness. In either case, you need to get your life back in order, you need to demand and expect more respect in your life, AND you need to start analyzing your life and figuring out what will make you happy. It sounds right now your happiness is dependent on your husband's actions. And if that is the case, you will NEVER be happy in life. People will always disappoint you at one time or another, and you cannot make any of them the center of your life. It's also not fair to them to put so much pressure and demand on them to make you happy, and when that happens, people tend to feel suffocated and will eventually leave. You need to bring your share to the relationship, and that means making sure your life is well rounded enough that if one thing fails (in this case your romantic relationship), you'll have other sources that you can draw energy from, to rejuvenate your spirit, and give you space and time to clear your head.

[sumdude]

Do you really really love HIM? Or do you really really want HIM to love you the way you _need_ to be loved? Reread your threads. Your complaints about the marriage have been his lack of attention to you. His wandering eye, his lack of small tokens of affection to you, his lack of touching. ALL things a wife DESERVES to have in her life, he denies you this and then makes you feel to be too demanding? If this was your daughter, would you think it's acceptable? You are setting a role model for your daughter and ALL women. This treatment should not be acceptable to you. And trust me, you will be a LOT happier alone (if that would ever happen), than to be in a loveless lonely marriage.

 

I'm sorry to say this but I REALLY believe you should be THANKFUL he's left your life. I know the pain you are feeling right now. I've felt it. I thought my husband was amazing, that he was a saint and the best thing to have ever happen to me. It took me a REALLY long time to realize that _our_ relationship (I played a role in this too) was abusive. My husband denied me my needs in a partner and in turn, I denied him his needs. Consciously or unconsciously. And when he left for another woman, I felt like an old maid at the age of 30. I felt hopeless and that my life was over. That i'd never find love, that i'd never remarry, and that i'd never have kids. So I took a deep look at myself and my life, and I started to become an active player in it. I CHANGED my life for the better. And I am SOOOOOOO happy with it now. I've gained an appreciation for life and all my family and friends. I am thankful for each passing day. I can now look in the mirror and see a VERY pretty woman. I can now see how guys flirt and pay attention to me. I dont know if I'll ever remarry, or if I'll ever have kids, but I do know my life will be good and there is more to it than just the status of wife and mother.

 

Let me ask you this question, if the man of your dreams walked into your life tomorrow, the man who only has eyes for you, who wants to shower you with love, affection, and romance, would you still honestly want your husband?

 

My current boyfriend has showed me how relationships are suppose to be. It's amazing how much I deprived myself of a healthy relationship. I'm still learning that showing small amounts of affection in public are ok. It feels absolutely heavenly when he reaches out for my hand first when walking down the street, or sneaks his hand under the table and reaches for my knee. I'm brought to tears every time he says he misses me and cant wait to see me again. After 5 months of dating, he's still opening car doors for me. And for Christmas he bought me some girly bath lotion and perfume. Things I dreamt for years that my husband would do just once, things that would make me know that my husband loved me, yet things my husband would refuse to give me and make fun of me for wanting, my boyfriend does freely of his own accord. I'm shocked and stunned and SO SO grateful.

 

Your husband has left, and sadly that is painful. I do not know if he will come back or not, but from this moment on, YOU are 100% responsible for your own future and happiness. If he comes back and continues his treatment towards you, then YOU own that. If he doesnt, you are STILL responsible for your own happiness. In either case, you need to get your life back in order, you need to demand and expect more respect in your life, AND you need to start analyzing your life and figuring out what will make you happy. It sounds right now your happiness is dependent on your husband's actions. And if that is the case, you will NEVER be happy in life. People will always disappoint you at one time or another, and you cannot make any of them the center of your life. It's also not fair to them to put so much pressure and demand on them to make you happy, and when that happens, people tend to feel suffocated and will eventually leave. You need to bring your share to the relationship, and that means making sure your life is well rounded enough that if one thing fails (in this case your romantic relationship), you'll have other sources that you can draw energy from, to rejuvenate your spirit, and give you space and time to clear your head.

 

 

Nice post dgiirl.. right now now I'm, still somewhere in between but I'm catching good glimpses of the the sunlight. If only I could figure out what's holding me back at this point... Truly believing in myself and being willing to trust someone with that part of me again perhaps.

 

Confused, I know how you feel. I've been traveling the road for months now. I have days when my confidence is up and I'm ready to lift off. Then sometimes I get tripped up on something and feel the sting of rejection again. When the person you loved, trusted and expected to be there with you 'till the end outright rejects you it's hard on your self image. If that's not enough when they go on and on about what's wrong with you and all the reasons they give, throw thier anger at you, blame you for everything it just twists the knife in your heart that much more.

 

The reality is that the world is full of billions just looking for someone like you. You may learn a few things about yourself from all this and one day find yourself in a much better place.

Edited December 27, 2007 by sumdude

[Confused9]

Confused, I know how you feel. I've been traveling the road for months now. I have days when my confidence is up and I'm ready to lift off. Then sometimes I get tripped up on something and feel the sting of rejection again. When the person you loved, trusted and expected to be there with you 'till the end outright rejects you it's hard on your self image. If that's not enough when they go on and on about what's wrong with you and all the reasons they give, throw thier anger at you, blame you for everything it just twists the knife in your heart that much more.

 

The reality is that the world is full of billions just looking for someone like you. You may learn a few things about yourself from all this and one day find yourself in a much better place.

 

Sumdude,

 

I hope your right about that last part, I really do. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I want to believe someone will want me for me but when you think you've already found that person and then they rip you apart like he did...it becomes hard to see. I am just as confused as I was 3 months ago!

[Mz. Pixie]

I want an apology for that! I don't want someone back who could be so heartless and rude to someone they suppossedly loved for 7 years. What I do want is for him to realize what he did was wrong on many levels and to apologize for it. I also want him to stop trying to hurt me still. I left him alone...he should do the same.

 

He is acting like a child. He cheated, he left, he was mean, he blamed me. Was I out on that dance floor the night they met, no. I was 1,000s of miles away planning our wedding. Was I the one who gave her his number or pushed him to sleep with her, no! I was here being faithful. What he did is inexcusable. But, I am mostly hurt by his rude words after the fact. That's what I want an apology for. I don't even think I am hurt by the cheating as much as the way he ended things and made me feel like I was worthless. He was my best friend. He meant everythnig to me and I thought he felt the same. I feel like such a fool.

 

I'm certainly not saying you caused him to cheat. And the reason he's so ugly to you? Because he knows what he has done is wrong and he's taking it out on you.

 

Let me tell you something I learned a long time ago. My mother and my stepfather abused me in every way possible- physical, mental, emotional and my stepcreep sexually. I told my mother about the sexual abuse and she did nothing. I had to continue to live in the house with him!!! She picked him over me.

 

When I finally sought therapy later in life the counselor asked me what would make it right and of course I said if she would apologize. I mean here was the woman who gave me life and who should have protected me with hers! The therapist told me that in a perfect world she would apologize but that I had to get to the point where I could accept that she probably never would.

 

I had to think on that for a while and I came to the realization that she was right. Did I deserve an apology?? Yes. Would I ever get one? Not likely. And I never did. I had to get to the point where I was okay with that.

 

Do you deserve an apology? Absolutely. I'm not sure how far out you are from your betrayal but at some point you have to get to the point where you're okay with not getting it. Because you may never get it. And your life will have to go on even if you don't.

 

Forgiveness is hard and it takes a long time. Not that he's asked for it, he hasn't. But forgiveness is truly a gift that you give yourself. It's for you, not for him. Work towards that. If you never forgive him, then you're giving him power over you- and above all you should never give someone else power over you.

[sumdude]

 

Sumdude,

 

I hope your right about that last part, I really do. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I want to believe someone will want me for me but when you think you've already found that person and then they rip you apart like he did...it becomes hard to see. I am just as confused as I was 3 months ago!

 

I hope so too, and hope is powerful. It takes time and effort to get there. You have to keep telling yourself that your worth it. You have to literally control those negative thoughts and replace them. I have good weeks then bad days. The holidays threw me for a loop.

 

I find songs help me out.. there's that one called tubthumping from a few years back.. silly but it helps pick me up.

 

Tubthumping

 

(We'll be singing, when we're winning, we'll be singing)

 

I get knocked, down but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked, down but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked, down but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked, down but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down

 

(Pi**ing the night away, pi**ing the night away)

He drinks a Whiskey drink, he drinks a Vodka drink

He drinks a Lager drink, he drinks a Cider drink

He sings the songs that remind him of the good times

He sings the songs that remind him of the better times

[dgiirl]

Nice post dgiirl.. right now now I'm, still somewhere in between but I'm catching good glimpses of the the sunlight. If only I could figure out what's holding me back at this point... Truly believing in myself and being willing to trust someone with that part of me again perhaps.

 

It DOES take time. It took me quite a while. I did not date for 2.5 years after my separation. My boyfriend is the first man who's been patient and kind and understanding and has helped me get over my anxiety over dating and learning to trust again. And before I was even ready to date, I had to get ME in a good place. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was still looking. Still felt under a time clock to catch up missing time. Once I fully let go of the dream, once I stopped putting pressure on myself, I was able to be truly happy with my current life. And I needed to spend time in that zone to make sure it was honest and true.

 

The reality is that the world is full of billions just looking for someone like you. You may learn a few things about yourself from all this and one day find yourself in a much better place.

 

This is SO true. I've met so many amazingly caring and beautiful people who are looking for love. Sadly, there are a lot of lonely people in this world. Lonely of love AND friendship. In my dark time, ALL of my friends opened up their lives to me and I realized that a lot of them were just in the same boat as I was. They were just afraid to reach out prior in fear of "imposing" on someone's personal time. If your are sad and lonely, open up your lives to others!

 

I hope your right about that last part, I really do. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I want to believe someone will want me for me.

 

What is SO wrong with spending the rest of your life with YOU? You do NOT need a romantic partner to be happy in life. You can have a very fulfilling life with friends and family and loved ones, with hobbies and activities. When you NEED someone in your life to bring it meaning, you will always be chasing after this dream. Once you stop and look at your own life and realize that you are 100% responsible for your own happiness and that the people in your life only enrich it, but do not MAKE it, only then will you win. Give yourself what you are desperately seeking from others. For the last two years, I've made it a ritual to buy myself something for valentines day. I spoil myself and make it a wonderful day just for me. I give myself the love I need. Once being absolutely petrified of living on my own, I absolutely ADORE my own time, my own apartment, my own vacations. I enjoy my own company and I often crack myself up on my own jokes You need to start loving yourself before anyone else can love you. If you cant even see the good in yourself, the person who knows you the best, who else will?

[Confused9]

I know you weren't saying he caused me to cheat...sorry if it sounded like that. What I was saying is an apology for him saying I caused him to cheat or blaming me saying I was a bad fiance and he never loved me.

 

Why kick someone when they are already down, you know? I mean if this man had any love for me...he wouldn't do that, right? So, was it all fake? I struggle with this everyday.

 

I just know he didn't fall out of love with me. I know that for a fact. I just think he is caught up in this new relationship and I just feel awful that I couldn't make him see that or that he didn't care to stop and think, oh know I may lose confused9 forever. How is she better? How could he be so cold and heartless to me?

 

I guess I need to realize I may never get an apology. But, for some reason...I wish I would. I wish he would tell me he regrets it and misses me. But, honestly...what good what it do. The damage is done.

 

I just don't feel that it's fair for him to be so happy already. How does he get to live happily ever after while I pick up the tiny pieces of my broken heart?

 

PS...I am sorry for what happened to you when you were younger. I know how hard that can be. My mom put me in a similiar situation. I was never sexually abused, but emotianally and physically I was. She also chose him over me and my dad turned a blind eye. I guess I have always been unlucky in love?

[Confused9]

 

 

What is SO wrong with spending the rest of your life with YOU? You do NOT need a romantic partner to be happy in life. You can have a very fulfilling life with friends and family and loved ones, with hobbies and activities. When you NEED someone in your life to bring it meaning, you will always be chasing after this dream. Once you stop and look at your own life and realize that you are 100% responsible for your own happiness and that the people in your life only enrich it, but do not MAKE it, only then will you win. Give yourself what you are desperately seeking from others. For the last two years, I've made it a ritual to buy myself something for valentines day. I spoil myself and make it a wonderful day just for me. I give myself the love I need. Once being absolutely petrified of living on my own, I absolutely ADORE my own time, my own apartment, my own vacations. I enjoy my own company and I often crack myself up on my own jokes You need to start loving yourself before anyone else can love you. If you cant even see the good in yourself, the person who knows you the best, who else will?

 

 

This is something I struggle wtih SO SO bad. I don't love myself. It's amazing how mean I am to myself and I wonder why my X could be. I know I need to treat myself better I really do. I just had a lot of toxic relationships some of choice (x fiance and some not, family) and I guess I have always put everyone else first and that has caused me to forget about myself and put myself last.

 

Of course this last breakup was a huge blow to my self worth. First my dad walked out on me now my fiance. It just makes you wonder what you do that is so bad to cause others to hurt you and walk away without looking.

 

I guess I need to work on loving myself before I can fully expect to be loved by someone else!

[Confused9]

Thanks sumdude. I actually like that song A LOT!

[sumdude]

This is something I struggle wtih SO SO bad. I don't love myself. It's amazing how mean I am to myself and I wonder why my X could be. I know I need to treat myself better I really do. I just had a lot of toxic relationships some of choice (x fiance and some not, family) and I guess I have always put everyone else first and that has caused me to forget about myself and put myself last.

 

Of course this last breakup was a huge blow to my self worth. First my dad walked out on me now my fiance. It just makes you wonder what you do that is so bad to cause others to hurt you and walk away without looking.

 

I guess I need to work on loving myself before I can fully expect to be loved by someone else!

 

So true...

 

For what it's worth as much as you're hurting right now. Take some solace in the fact that he did this now and not after vows were taken or children were born.

[Confused9]

I know. That is very true. I just never thought he would do it, EVER.

[Mz. Pixie]

I just don't feel that it's fair for him to be so happy already. How does he get to live happily ever after while I pick up the tiny pieces of my broken heart?

 

 

I agree, it's not fair but then is life ever really??

 

And you can't be sure he's even happy. He could seem like that on the outside and not really be on the inside. And you may never know differently but if he's a good person- and I'd like to believe at some point he was for you to be involved with him- he'll feel some guilt over what he's done. Not right now and you may never be told, but trust me he will.

 

The best revenge you could inflict on him would be to move on and live your life happy.

 

How old are you? May I ask?

 

One day, when you meet the right guy you'll see why all this happened. Because there is a reason. In fact you will look back and be like what did I see in him?? You may not believe that, but it's probably true.

[PinkRibbon]

Yes I do really really really love him. If I didn't I wouldn't have put up with his crap. You know I don't feel thankful, I feel miserable. Why should I be thankful? Maybe if I had cheated on him this would be easier for me? I don't cheat regardless of the situation. So I expect him to not cheat either. I expect him to put forth 120% in our marriage and he didn't and he is not coming back. He is having a good time without me and I am left picking up the pieces of my life that he so casually threw out like yesterdays garbage.

 

I treat myself very well, I am a good person and I was a good wife. I was not a great wife but I was a good wife and I loved him with everything I had but it wasn't enough. I have a good job and I worked hard to put myself through school while raising a child alone so I am a pretty strong woman but when it comes to him I am weak. From the moment I laid eyes on him 6 years ago I felt he was the person for me but apparently I am not the person for him.

 

I have realized they move on and have a good time without you because they don't care. Plain and simple. Why should they care? They have someone else warming them making them feel good while we are reduced to sniveling creatures. Why call? He is partying and hanging out with the 20 year old crowd.

 

And I want to know if he feels guilty. I don't want to imagine he feels guilty. I want to hear it and know he is feeling as bad as I am. I want him sick and crying and losing all kinda of weight. I want him to loose sleep every night and be up all night thinking about what he did or didn't do. I want him to feel like a piece of crap like I do. But that will never happen. Heck if I was getting it on with a 25 year old man and left my husband then I wouldn't feel bad either.

 

Crying and venting is not a good thing. These last 2 days have been extremely rough for no reason at all. I haven't heard from him or seen him....I just miss him.

[redblack66]

I just wanted to point out a small point that I believe is true.

 

When a partner has an affair or moves in with somebody else, then the left one seems to develop extremely strong feelings of love and who knows what else. I think I know very well what you are experiencing emotionally. It may be useful if you sit down and think logically if your love and affection at the moment are just reinforced by the current situation. When you "sober up" or when a few months past, you may realize that your love is not that much.

From being in a similar situation, right now I do not even want to talk to my wife on the phone. It takes certain waking up.

[dgiirl]

Yes I do really really really love him. If I didn't I wouldn't have put up with his crap. You know I don't feel thankful, I feel miserable. Why should I be thankful? Maybe if I had cheated on him this would be easier for me? I don't cheat regardless of the situation. So I expect him to not cheat either. I expect him to put forth 120% in our marriage and he didn't and he is not coming back. He is having a good time without me and I am left picking up the pieces of my life that he so casually threw out like yesterdays garbage.

 

I think you might be confusing love with him and love of the idea of what you wanted him to be. From everything you have written, he has not given you any reason to love him. He has not treated you with any respect for a very long time and has betrayed you. He has degraded you every chance he got. He has not done anything to foster love. This is certainly not my definition of love. Love is a two way street, with mutual respect and admiration. I know right now it is painful, I was in your shoes a few years ago, but I trust in time, once you start putting your attention back on you and your needs, and putting yourself first, and loving yourself, you will come to realize how toxic this relationship is.

[Confused9]

Thanks Pixie!

 

I am 26 - I will be 27 the end of January.

 

I don't believe he is happy with what he has done. I just don't see how he could be. As I stated, I believe he was in love with me when this all went down. The fact that he is withdrawing himself from everyone in our lives and moving acorss the country makes me think he can't live with what he has done so he's starting over fresh.

 

I mean...how can you be happy that you let go of a wonderful person and got right back in to a relationship with someone you just met and no nothing about and now you are having a child!!! It just doesn't seem plausible that he's happy. But, then again, what do I know? I have never been in his position and don't know what it's like for him out there.

[Mz. Pixie]

I mean...how can you be happy that you let go of a wonderful person and got right back in to a relationship with someone you just met and no nothing about and now you are having a child!!! It just doesn't seem plausible that he's happy. But, then again, what do I know? I have never been in his position and don't know what it's like for him out there.

 

See, when someone has an affair or cheats on their partner, often it's the idea of the clean slate that is attractive. They think in their current relationship there is too much baggage and history to ever try to make it work and that it would be easier to start over with someone else that you don't have the history with. I'm not saying that is whats going through his mind but I do know that lots of people who have been cheated on are told this by their partners.

[Confused9]

 

 

I have realized they move on and have a good time without you because they don't care. Plain and simple. Why should they care? They have someone else warming them making them feel good while we are reduced to sniveling creatures. Why call? He is partying and hanging out with the 20 year old crowd.

 

And I want to know if he feels guilty. I don't want to imagine he feels guilty. I want to hear it and know he is feeling as bad as I am. I want him sick and crying and losing all kinda of weight. I want him to loose sleep every night and be up all night thinking about what he did or didn't do. I want him to feel like a piece of crap like I do. But that will never happen. Heck if I was getting it on with a 25 year old man and left my husband then I wouldn't feel bad either.

 

Crying and venting is not a good thing. These last 2 days have been extremely rough for no reason at all. I haven't heard from him or seen him....I just miss him.[/quote]

 

PR, I know you want him to be sad and hurt and not eating or sleeping but even if he was - would that really change the history of what he has and continues to do to you? Would it make it easier on you? Probably not. What happened, happened. There is no way that you can take that back. Trust me...I want my WS to feel bad and sad and regret what he did but as Pixie stated, we may never ever know that they feel that way and to be honest...what difference would it make if they did. They can't take back what they've done.

 

I am going to give you a piece of advice that I hope I take myself since it's so much easier to give advice and not take it. But, try and focus on your own happiness and forget about what he is doing or feeling. You are in control of your life. You are the one who can bring yourself happiness. You need to start living for you. Let go of him! Let him go and do what he needs to do. Let him make his own mistakes and his own choices and you start making yours. This is your life...take advantage of it.

 

I want you to start living for PR. Not for Mr. PR. I want you to realize that what he did is not a reflection of you or what you did or didn't do as a wife. But, I also think you need to stop analyzing his actions and words. To be honest, we have no idea what they are feeling or thinking. They could be happy or just putting on a front. But, I am sick and tired of worrying about him and what he is doing or saying or feeling. He isn't putting any energy in to thinking about me (that I know of) so...I am going to do the same. We need to LET GO!

 

Are you with me? We can do this!!!

[redblack66]

Thanks Pixie!

 

I don't believe he is happy with what he has done. I just don't see how he could be. As I stated, I believe he was in love with me when this all went down.

 

Try very hard not to dwell on issues like the above. You have no control over him and you cannot read his mind. Just focus on yourself. I know this is difficult.

 

This is my advice and lesson from the past.

[Confused9]

Well let him have his clean slate. As clean as it can be I guess. No matter how far he moves or how many times he tries to change thing...the same problems will arise with them and the same baggage will appear.

 

Plus, he is going to have to live with what he has done for the rest of his life. To me...I'd much rather be on my end than his. That's a lot of guilt to carry around!