Can anyone offer some so I can get some closure...??

[PinkRibbon]

Hi everyone! I have been reading posts from this site for about 4 weeks now and finally wanted to post and ask some questions of my own. Everyone seems to offer good examples and suggestions so I am hoping maybe to have some of my niggling little "why's" answered.

Here goes:

3 months ago me and my husband split up and I moved out into an apartment with my daughter. We were married 4 years and on and off 2 years before that. Well a month before I moved out we were back and forth about staying together. He was back and forth. I never wanted to split. I got "I love you", "I don't know what I want" "I am confused" "I don't know what to do" "Want to go see a movie on our anniversary" "Maybe by Christmas we can be dating" "Maybe in a few weeks you'll need me to do something and I can come over for dinner". Things I have been reading about all over the web. I kept saying I don't want to move out of the house, what do you want to do? He goes on a motorcycle trip with his father and I talk to him on the phone and he said that I need to get my **it out of the house by the time he gets back or he will have me removed by force if need be by the Sheriff. So I was scared because he has never spoken to me like this and was so angry sounding, I called my family and they moved me out that Saturday before he got back.

I have only talked to him 4 times since then. I get the whole gamit of "I don't love you at this moment", "I don't ever want to see you again", "I can't stand to have you in the same room", "I don't call because I don't care", "I don't like you", "As far as I am concerned you and "your daughter" don't exist for me". So he has not even called her to tell her good bye or try and explain what is happening. She is a young teenager and this has really hurt her because she planned on him as her future and he dumped her also. He as threw us out like yesterday's trash.

We both work at the same company but different buildings so many people know us but thank goodness we haven't ran into each other. I did run into his "posse from work" at lunch on Friday and that was extremely weird. But amazingly he wasn't with them. That was one of the things he always did on Fridays was go with this certain group of people to lunch. (Everyday of the week he was going with a different group from work but amazing I work at the same place and he never wanted to go with me or invite me)

Ok also I know for a fact that the 3 months we have split of he has gone to the doctor 6 times and once a week for the last 4 weeks.

The last time I talked to him the second week of December I finally not begged and told him I went to the lawer and I get part of the house and he can either settle for the amount I want or when he files for divorce I will drag it out as long as I can because I am not the one who wants the divorce. He says no way in heck he will pay me. The story behind this is we were split a month and he wants me to go file and "stop dragging" this out. In our state you have to be seperated a year before you file. I am like what is the rush? He wants me to lie and say we have been seperated a year. So since the 8th of December I haven't called and on that last phone call I didn't beg. I was a little mean by being really sweet and nice and jovial and mentioning that I wouldn't be around during lunch, that afternoon at work and that I had a date that night and I would talk to him when he was ready about the decision. He did start sniffling a bit had to blow his nose.

So my "why's" are. Why is he so mad? Everytime I talk to him he is bordering on the point of cruelty. He left me and getting what he wants. Why be cruel in the process. Last time I didn't beg and he started the meaness again.

Why (And I know this for a fact) can he be friends with past ex-girlfriends but me he never wants to see again and I don't exist for him anymore? I don't see what was so bad?

Why, if my daughter was important to him, has he not been a decent man and said good bye and still offered friendship to her. She had nothing to do with this and he was her dad if even for a few years but important years.

I still love him terribly and only cry anout 3 times a week and only for a few mins each time when I think about him with someone else in our bed but I am getting better. I know he will never come back as my husband but why is he so ugly about all this? Does anyone have any idea what is next in this roller coaster ride?

Thanks everyone for reading and Happy Holidays!

Edited December 24, 2007 by PinkRibbon

[polywog]

Wow, that's lousy. Do you have any idea why he would have gone from seeming like working on it to suddenly being so hostile? Any clue at all as to what changed?

[PinkRibbon]

No I really don't have a clue what happened for him to do the 180. I know his Dad likes to pump him up alot and I am thinking it had a little to do with the motorcycle trip with his Dad and one of his friends from college 15 years ago. I think maybe he was just letting me down easy by saying he wanted to "date". I also personally think there is someone else in the picture but I am unsure.

[bestadvisor]

He goes on a motorcycle trip with his father and I talk to him on the phone and he said that I need to get my **it out of the house by the time he gets back or he will have me removed byforce if need be by the Sheriff.

 

Are you sure it's a motorcycle trip and not some romantic get away with another woman?

 

Does anyone have any idea what is next in this roller coaster ride?

Thanks everyone for reading and Happy Holidays!

 

Does it seem like a way for him to hate you so he can justify his behavior (affair) and make it easier to deal with his guilt?

[PinkRibbon]

I know his Dad and his friend went because I spoke to his mom but I do think a girl went with them and by girl I literally mean girl. My husband has a things for women in their early twenties.

 

I am not sure about the hate being a way to ease his guilt? Do you think it maybe?

[bestadvisor]

I know his Dad and his friend went because I spoke to his mom but I do think a girl went with them and by girl I literally mean girl. My husband has a things for women in their early twenties.

 

I am not sure about the hate being a way to ease his guilt? Do you think it maybe?

 

Yes, it's very possible. Either that or pressure from this other girl to act the way he did so he can please her.

[polywog]

Maybe that's something, about someone else in the picture:sick:.

 

When I went through a divorce several years ago after a 7 year marriage my husband, who was the one who initiated the decision, ended up treating me like sh**, too... as if I was the one who dumped Him! I was baffled and hurt. I was not creating any problems with the divorce going through and was cooperating completely.

 

Turns out he got involved with another woman right after our separation, and he was keeping it secret (perhaps he'd even been seeing her before he wanted the divorce, but I've no proof of that).

 

I think he felt guilty and his immature self-centered way of dealing with it was to paint me as the bad guy, though I was not. Possibly your H is doing the same.

 

Your hunch may be right, if it's anything like what I went through. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[PinkRibbon]

You mean guilt over tossing us? But you would think someone who did that would at least be indifferent not mean. But then again I never thought he would do this. This other woman thing sucks.

Maybe that is why he is going to the doctor so much...guilt making him sick?

[bestadvisor]

You mean guilt over tossing us? But you would think someone who did that would at least be indifferent not mean. But then again I never thought he would do this. This other woman thing sucks.

Maybe that is why he is going to the doctor so much...guilt making him sick?

 

Either that or something else, such as the fact that he has been messing around with more than one women and currently going for STD treatment.

 

It would not be un-wise to get yourself check out too.

[PinkRibbon]

Criminy never thought of an STD. Crud!

 

Ok another question (and thank you for helping me) What does anyone think will be next? Should I just write him off and move on? I don't want to beg him anymore or even contact him because it is humiliating so if I feel like this should I give up? And does the dumper ever apologize?

[bestadvisor]

Criminy never thought of an STD. Crud!

 

Ok another question (and thank you for helping me) What does anyone think will be next? Should I just write him off and move on? I don't want to beg him anymore or even contact him because it is humiliating so if I feel like this should I give up? And does the dumper ever apologize?

 

No one can tell you what to do and what's right, only you can. We have way too litlte information about your situation. What are the problems within the marriage before the split up?

[PinkRibbon]

Gosh our problems? Haha

Well we didn't have money problems. I wrote him a check every month for half of the mortgage and half of all the household bills. And then I took the rest of my money paid my personal bills, bought groceries and whatever I needed for me and my daughter. He didn't buy our clothing or personal items and doctor visits or whatnots. And I didn't ask him for things because he told me one time that it was not in his nature to buy me nice things that if I wanted them I would have to get them myself. So I didn't ask.

Our problems were his friends, his family and other women. While we were married I never looked at another man. I didn't want another man so why look. besides in my head my husband was the cutest thing on 2 legs. But he on the other hand would be walking down the sidewalk with me and stare a women's but so much he often turned his head to watch them walk by. We would go into a restaurant and he would never look at me but scan the room to see who was there and if it was a cute waitress heaven help us he would flit and stare through out the meal. So women were a problem. And then it was young women in their early twenties. Which doesn't help we work around college kids all a day.

His friends...most of them were single and under the age of 28 in school and he is 37. One of the closest friends he had were we worked split from his wife because he liked to watch her with other men. I told my husband that we often tell our kids that you hang with trash you start to become trash and I don't want to hang with the guy. But not my husband he went to lunch with this guy 2-3 times a week. Some of his other friends I really liked and enjoyed their company but he stopped asking them over and starting mainly dealing with the ones I didn't care for. But I told him they are your friends not mine. I don't have to hang out with them what counts is that you like them. But that is one of the reasons he cited for leaving me. I was jealous of his friends. The man went to lunch every day of the week with these people and several times a week after work he was always doing something with his friends.

And his family. Not his whole family but his father and step mother. I don't in an uncertain terms like his Dad. Now I am cordial and polite but I do not seek his attention. My husband is the only boy so all the husbands of his sisters are very close to the dad because they borrow money from hm and things like that. Not me. He is too touchy feely on his daughters for my taste and it weirds me out. But I go to all holidays with his family. I asked could we swap holidays..one with his family, one just us and one with my family and just rotate. he answer was no, if I wanted to go to my families that was fine but he would never miss a holiday with his family.

Most of these changes started happening about a year and a half ago when he was promoted into a new position. I knew we were having problems so I made it easy on him. I told him 3 specific things that would make me extremely happy and help in our relationship.

1. Ask me to lunch about twice a month. We work at the same place so it is not difficult. We used to go to lunch together often until he got this new job. I told him it feels like a date and I enjoy just the hour alone with him away from work.

2. Tell me you love me once a day. I don't care if it is in passing at the end of an email or just a love ya. Because in our busy time it is nice to just have a friendly reminder.

3. Wear your wedding ring. He would always wear it on the wrong finger so one day out of irritation I said if you are not going to wear it on the right finger then take it off. Well he took it off and no amount of begging and apologizing on my part would make him change his mind because I originally told him to take it off.

So he would never do any of the 3 things I asked althought I pointed it out numerous times that I laid it out without beating around the bush about what would make me happy. And he absolutely refused to do any of it. He said no.

I know for the last year he has been pulling away from our marriage. Now I look back I can see it. An example: I was sitting on the couch one night and was trying to entice him to get off the floor and come snuggle with me and maybe make out a little and his response was "let's not and say we did". I constantly got answers like that from him on everything. He told me one time that he had gotten to the point he hated me to touch him. So it made me paranoid to touch him because he hated it. So no hugging no cuddling in bed because I couldn't touch him. But then he would 180 and say he tried but because I didn't want to do something he knew it wasn't going to work. Here I am standing there thinking you want me to do what but instead you tell me you hate me touching you, you hate how big my breasts are and not to kiss you. So because I pull away he deems us unfit to be married.

So phew there it is in a nutshell.

Edited December 24, 2007 by PinkRibbon

[Confused9]

Pinkribbon,

 

First of all, i just want to say that I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

My x who I was with for 7 years (we weren't married but were getting married in October 08) had an affair in Sept. We were a happy couple, we didn't fight and he held me on a pedastle. Since he cheated on me he was COLD, MEAN, RUDE, and blamed me. He told me he never loved me, never wanted to marry me and I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Everyone in our life is completely shocked by his actions because he was so lovey dovey before.

 

I DO NOT think he honestly feels this way about me. I think the guilt of what he's done has completely turned him in to this arse. I think that people who feel sorry for what they are doing try to make things up in their heads regarding the person they are hurting. That way the don't blame themselves or need to feel bad.

 

The fact that he said that about your child is AWFUL. Even if he isn't her real dad??? he still acted that way while you were together. Just makes no sense why he would act this way unless he was guilty.

 

I have no words! What an arse!!! My suggestion to you woud be to be STRONG and don't let him think you are going to let him walk all over you. Let him know 'who's boss' of your life so to speak. It sounds like you will be okay financially, etc if he leaves or you leave. So get out of there. You are not a doormat and you do not deserved to be treated like this.

 

He can take himself and his wondering eye and shove it!!!

[PinkRibbon]

Thanks for answering! I am trying to be strong. It has been 3 months since I moved out and I think about him all day everyday. I am hoping one day I can stop thinking about him and move on with my life. It has been 3 weeks of NC and I am holding strong. I really just miss him being in the same room with me. Just being there.

I just don't see how people can be so mean. I will never know the answer but it still hurts. Yesterday was ok just a little weepy towards to the end of the day. I find I am fine early on but as the day progresses I get depressed.

I wish he would come back. I want my husband back but I know he will never come back. It is never to late to make things right.

[Rooster_DAR]

In my best experience, usually when the spouse is demonstrating unpredictable behavior such as this there is someone else sailing their love boat. Unless he is bipolar or suffering from some mental delusion, I would adhere to the possibility of someone else in the picture.

 

Before I finally decided to call it quits with my EX, she showed the same kind of signs. I would come in one day and she would state I'm the love of her life and she wants to get married, only to follow up the next day with "I love you but I'm not in love with" you statements.

 

The roller coaster ride is a dead giveaway.

 

Cheers!

[melodymatters]

ICK !!! He sounds like an awful person pink ribbon ! Why on earth would you even WANT him back ?

 

My guess is you have some problems with self esteem, and perhaps the first step should be to build yours back up by whatever means.

 

I am a pretty strong, self confident chick, so if ANYONE treated me like that I wouldn't love and miss them because i'd be too damn angry !

 

You sound like a really nice and intelligent person. I hope you can get over this guy asap and find somone who deserves you and treats you wonderfully !!!

 

good luck !

[PinkRibbon]

You know I don't get it. I have never had self esteem problems before. I guess he has made me feel so crappy about the way I look and who I am as a person. I have seem many clothed and unclothed pictures of his past girlfriends and I can 100% say I am the best looking WOMAN he has ever been with. The pictures look like trashy little girls from the park.

Not one person I know thinks he is attractive but I think he so adorable.

 

You know I really want to be mad and pissed at him. Hate and anger I can deal with. I want to be mad as heck at him, I want to hate him, I want to forget he ever breathed in my life. I want to remember all the crappy things he has done to me and I want to think how wonderful it is to not have him around all day. Begging him to be with me. Pathetic little weasel. But I can't handle losing him. I can't handle sadness. I feel lost and so broken.

 

You know before we got married we stopped seeing each other for about 6 months and just talked about once a month and I started seeing a really great man. I mean great but around the end of 6 months the X shows up at my place out of the blue telling me he loves me and stalking the guy. He even went so far as to email the man and tell him all kinds of stuff about us. He called him at home, called my mother. He wrote love poems, wrote beautiful letters and sent flowers. And eventually after about 2 weeks ran the other man completely off even after I said I wanted to be with the other man. So we tried and next thing you know we were married. So the mind games have been going since we met.

 

So yes I guess it is esteem problems because I always felt good about myself. Now I feel like crud, I dress old and boring and I feel so out of sync with the world. I am a kicked puppy.

 

How long is long enough before I give up hope that he will never come back?

Edited December 26, 2007 by PinkRibbon

[melodymatters]

The way I'm seeing it from over here PR, is that you shouldn't be "hoping "he comes back, you should be "hoping" for your own recovery as if you were sick from a disease. I think dysfuntional relationships ARE like a disease : we know better, but somehow become addicted to these people who treat us poorly.

 

obviously a strangers words over the internet can't " fix" your addiction for this guy, but you really should try, not only for your sake, but your daughters too. You don't want to set an example that THIS is the way woman should be treated, or that THIS is what love is.

 

Good luck, sweetie, keep posting, we're here for you !!

[PinkRibbon]

I don't feel sick from a disease. I love my husband and want him back but I realize he is not coming back. If being in love with him is a disease then I guess I have one. I have to stop thinking about him but it is hard when you know they are happy and doing well and your life has turned into a big cess pool. I want him miserable also. What right does he have to make the decision for the both of us? What right does he have to ruin my life by throwing me away. What is wrong with people now adays when they don't want to work on a marriage, they cheat and think that a person they committed their life to is disposable? What happened to morality, commitment and "till death us do part"? Maybe they should just take those words out of the wedding ceremony because that has become the biggest joke. It should be until I find someone younger and dump your butt but we'll stay married until then.

I am just tired I think. Tired of thinking, tired of not sleeping properly, tired of crying and tired of being in love with him and tired of hearing it takes time.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sounds to me that there were plenty of red flags here that you missed. If my husband told me he couldn't stand to touch me, or said "Let's not and say we did" when I asked him to make out I would be immediately aware that something was going on in our marriage.

 

He's got another woman or women. I know you don't want to hear that but people just do not turn around and become another person unless they are mentally ill like Rooster said.

 

Affairs are like addictions. He's getting a "high" so to speak from this other relationship or relationships. That is why it's so easy for him to treat you this way- he's justified the entire affair in his head as your fault and has rewritten the history of your marriage.

 

The reason I say this is I know. I cheated on my first husband and your H is showing all of the signs. It's funny, most of them do the exact same things but at the time they are doing it they think it sounds original.

 

I think you need to purchase the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. Then I think you need to google marriagebuilders and do alot of reading there.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this- you sound like a sweet person.

[Confused9]

Pixzie,

 

Did you ever regret your decision? After the 'smoke cleared' and the affair wasn't an affair anymore...did you realize that you shouldn't have left your H? Did your love for him really not go away?

 

I ask because I am going through something similiar and while I know we are over for good (too much damage has been done) I wonder if his lack of regret and remorse is just a temporary thing. We were very much in love and he had an affair - got really caught up in it and now she is pregnant. He moved out of state and has barely talked to anyone in our old life. To me it just seems so strange and I can't believe that it's real. I just wonder if this new world he has is going to come crashing down and if I will ever get the apology I deserve?

[Confused9]

PS...PR sorry to hijact your thread. I am just curious about the other side. He just met this woman 3 months ago and it was all based on a lie. I just can't imagine his feelings are sincere. Especially since he was still in love with me when they met.

[redblack66]

Pixzie,

I wonder if his lack of regret and remorse is just a temporary thing. We were very much in love and he had an affair - got really caught up in it and now she is pregnant. He moved out of state and has barely talked to anyone in our old life. To me it just seems so strange and I can't believe that it's real. I just wonder if this new world he has is going to come crashing down and if I will ever get the apology I deserve?

 

As far as his life is OK, I do not believe you will get an apology.

Eventually, bad times for him may come (I believe this will happen.)

Then he is likely to apologize. It may take a few months or years, or it may happen when he is leaving this world.

 

I am not an expert, just talking from experience and observing the world around me.

[PinkRibbon]

Not a problem Confused. I am wondering the same thing also.

 

I saw all the red flags. I chose to put the blinders on and ignore them and try to make things better but I guess by trying to make it better I made it worse. I was set up for failure. I truly hopes he suffers in the end.

[Confused9]

Thanks Redblack.

 

PR, see for me there were no red flags. We were getting married, we were happy, I mean, our relationship was not perfect but things were fine. He went away for work to help pay for the wedding and once he cheated things went haywire.

 

He wanted to be with me, then he didn't, then he did, then he didn't. After that...the meanness started. I mean he was MEAN. He would not talk to me on the phone, or face to face when he came home in October. All of this was via text and email- even the annoucement of the pregnancy. I believe that is because it was too hard for him to speak to me??? I think he was just in lust with this other woman and thought I was in the way...but, I KNOW he was in love with me. I think he just got caught up in the moment and then she got preggo so he couldn't really do anything to change it. This man loved me, held me on a pedastle and wanted to spend his life with me. Now, we haven't kissed or had sex for 3 months, seen eachother for 2, or spoken for 1. He did text me a couple of weeks ago but I remained NC.

 

He won't come home. He won't speak to his old friends. It's like he wants to just forget this old life ever existed. If he was happy I can't imagine he would act this way?!?!