Curmudgeon Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Those are her words. I agree with them. My wife has asked me to send her to a residential addiction recovery program and has acknowledged that for all intents and purposes, I've been "cheated" for the past five years by her ceasing to be a contributing member of the household. I responded that I would be more than willing to do so in a few months since we just bought a new car and liquid assets are a bit tight. I also told her she was going to have to "contribute" a fair amount of her monthly pension checks (which aren't much) to the cause to prove she's serious. If it works, perhaps it will mend the marriage. If it doesn't, we'll part ways, hopefully amicably, and become yet another statistic among those who let marriage ruin a great friendship. My wife questions whether or not I'm still interested in being married to her. I've told her I am as long as she's willing to do the hard work to get sober and productive again. If she's not then all bets are off. 2008 could be a real interesting year!
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Alcohol, and it goes beyond the self-medicating that many bipolars do since she does take her meds. Obviously the problem existed well before I initially diagnosed her and got her into treatment.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Wow interesting to say the least. Since you need to wait for the residential facility - can't she start by at least attending AA on a regular basis? At least that would be a start. Good luck to you guys!
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Wow interesting to say the least. Since you need to wait for the residential facility - can't she start by at least attending AA on a regular basis? At least that would be a start. ...in the interim. I'm simply not pushing any. She knows what they are. If she cares enough, she'll do something. If she doesn't, she knows that the circle will be broken if the residential program fails as well.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Well I will hope for nothing but the best for you both!
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Well I will hope for nothing but the best for you both! It's the only way I can handle this right now, retain my sanity, keep a lid on my emotions and remain productive. It's a good time to be a guy! Thanks!
Trialbyfire Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 C. are alcohol and her meds compatible?
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 C. are alcohol and her meds compatible? She may be sick but she's not stupid. She knows that as well as I and I've reminded her of it often. you don't take anti-depressants and mood stabilizers then chase them with a depressant such as alcohol. I've reached the limits of my tolerance capacity, TBF. In her letter to me she described herself as, "slovenly, unclean, fat, drunk and unemployed." I didn't argue!
2sunny Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 ((((((hugs)))))) to you c=lion! i'm so sorry!
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Thanks! Me to, Sweetie! What a potential waste. When we were good together there were none better. It now makes me wonder what of it, if any, was real.
Trialbyfire Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 She may be sick but she's not stupid. She knows that as well as I and I've reminded her of it often. you don't take anti-depressants and mood stabilizers then chase them with a depressant such as alcohol. I've reached the limits of my tolerance capacity, TBF. In her letter to me she described herself as, "slovenly, unclean, fat, drunk and unemployed." I didn't argue! One can only help if there's active cooperation by the other partner. Good luck. I hope the two of you can salvage something that was so wonderful and still has the potential to be, as such. It's difficult to watch someone you care about, self-destruct. Much sympathy.
johan Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 I've read a lot of your posts regarding your marriage, but I never picked up on the alcohol problem. I can see why you struggle. I hope that you are able to salvage your relationship. It's hard for me to get a good read on how things really are, because you sometimes post hope for a long future, and sometimes you are ready to walk away. I hope your message is more consistent when you discuss things with your wife. Good luck, Curmudgeon.
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 Sometimes I opine here but my message to my wife has been consistent. The marriage is at risk and while I hope for a long future, unless there are some major changes there won't be one. I think she finally, really got the message last night!
Nemo Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 She may be sick but she's not stupid. There is still hope. she described herself as, "slovenly, unclean, fat, drunk and unemployed." I wonder how deep the self-pity needs to be for you to drown. So she's overly relaxed, mildly seasoned, cuddly (and prepared for a tough winter), uninhibited, and free from oppression. Clearly she is living irresponsibly, and needs to come back to Earth. Nobody likes being told what to do, unless they're tied up, and being threatened with a leather whip. She's lucky to have you. Hopefully she will soon rise to deserve it.
Nemo Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 It's hard for me to get a good read on how things really are, because you sometimes post hope for a long future, and sometimes you are ready to walk away. I hope your message is more consistent when you discuss things with your wife. This is actually very insightful. No, I am not surprised. I suppose you feel like you've delivered the ultimatum. And that's what it takes, when you've come close to the end of your rope. So make sure you heed the Green Robot's sage words, and allow no more slippage. It's the language of love that makes us human, but it takes a Jason Bourne to get the job done.
polywog Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Wow, C. I've also followed your posts, and never realized that alcohol was part of the problem. It all makes sense, her behavior. I recently became sober and attend AA meetings, twice a day right now so I have listened to a lot of stories in those rooms. It's amazing how many people in there are bipolar and did what your wife appears to have been doing with drink, while taking the meds, etc.. Just at tonight's meeting there was a guy who has been institutionalized and in prison who is bipolar and started going to AA last May. He's doing incredibly well; I've known him for years and he's transformed, becoming his best self. I hope all goes well for your wife, and that she takes getting well seriously. And I hope for the best for you, C. Have you ever gone to Alanon meetings? I used to attend them years ago and they were very helpful.
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 This is actually very insightful. No, I am not surprised. I suppose you feel like you've delivered the ultimatum. And that's what it takes, when you've come close to the end of your rope. So make sure you heed the Green Robot's sage words, and allow no more slippage. It's the language of love that makes us human, but it takes a Jason Bourne to get the job done. It wasn't an "or else." It was simply an acknowledgement that something has to work because nothing's working now. What she does with the knowledge is up to her. What I do with it if nothing changes will be my decision and not dependent upon anyone's actions, or lack thereof, but my own. If I've reached the end of my rope it is, after all, mine!
Nemo Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 It wasn't an "or else." It was simply an acknowledgement that something has to work because nothing's working now. I hear you. Roar! In an authoritative, yet dignified, manner. Naturally.
whichwayisup Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 If she can kick the alcohol, then I think the marriage can be saved and worked on together. It seems you can handle the BP on it's own, but not with booze thrown into the mix. Noone with mental illness should do drugs or drink booze, all that does is makes it worse and adds more problems/drama. Cur, good luck and I hope she is strong enough to get through this and live a sober life. Though I do know you're a strong man and will be behind her 100%, encouraging her that she can work through this and come out on top again.
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 I hope she is strong enough to get through this and live a sober life. Though I do know you're a strong man and will be behind her 100%, encouraging her that she can work through this and come out on top again. I have my doubts, however. She's the one who used the word, "fat" during the dialog. Having done so she immediately reverted to passive-aggressive mode, polished off a one pound box of See's chocolates I'd received from my old office then proceeded to devour three of the four pieces of teriyaki chicken I prepared for tonight's dinner without any consideration of the fact that perhaps I would like a second piece. So someone tell me, what is there to work with here? Tomorrow I'm supposed to take her to her oldest daughter's home early afternoon so she can help her prepare a holiday dinner. Then I'm supposed to pick up her youngest daughter at work at 5:30 and both of us arrive for the evening's festivities. I'm feeling rather inclined to drop wife off at about 2:00. Then drop youngest daughter off at about 6:00, come home without telling anyone, turn off the phones then leave for my oldest daughter's house (about a two-hour drive) without the wife Christmas morning and simply let her wonder when I am while she's trying to get back home on her own. Now THAT's passive-aggressive!
whichwayisup Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 She has an addictive personality, food, booze, whatever, all of it is over done and dramatic, so it seems. So someone tell me, what is there to work with here? Fact that she's willing to get help. Give it time and see how it goes. If you see improvement and effort on her behalf, then you'll know. If she can't be bothered because it's hard work, or she throws in the towel, too scared, then give her tough love. For some reason, I have a nagging feeling that the tough love approach is going to have to be applied here... Yes, it is PA. Definately!
Author Curmudgeon Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 BTDT. All of it. Am willing to try one last time, but no more.
OldEurope Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 (edited) El Curm, Like many of the ladies here, married and not, I have a crush on you and wish you only the best in all of this! You are an example of what my beloved (and older) H went through for many many years before divorcing his first wife. He put a great deal of effort into that marriage where he seemed to be the only one in it. There was just no reciprocal effort on the part of his first wife but much taking, and never giving. This went on for years...through counseling, mediation, therapists, the whole bit. And in his case they were not even the "best friends" back when as you and your wife, if I understood correctly, once were. I just do not see the point in continuing as a couple when the emotional sensitivity, the shared passions and the physical attraction are just not there, and all efforts to correct the loss of those things or save what remains of those things, have been exhausted. And I especially do not understand staying around for someone who has no self respect. That to me is a form of "betrayal" in a marriage. It says to the marriage partner, "I think so little of you that I do not care how I look, act, or take care of myself and you have to just live with that so there!". These are what I call "roomate marriages" and they just suck the lifeblood out of all human hope and belief in the beauty of the committed male-female relationship. Not to dampen the religious spirit of the times now, but really...Had you said you were tempted to have an affair I for one would have understood. It is perhaps never the "right" thing to do but in so many cases like this where a person is literally psychologically and physically starving to death in a marriage that isn't one anymore...I understand that. Merry Christmas, OE Edited December 24, 2007 by OldEurope
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