MM is actually leaving.... I think....

[nextel]

Callmecrazy, if you ever want to PM, please feel free. We have some cynics. This is a place were OW post and not for spouses who have experienced infidelity.

[GreenEyedLady]

I understand this is a forum for the OW but I thought its also a place you could openly ask questions about the mind set of the OW no?

 

I find this kinda funny (not ha-ha)..

 

Every OW is different...What you ask of one OW will not be true of another...And if you are looking to find answers of the OW your H is/was with, then you'd have to ask her...And OW do not have to answer any questions at all...We are not required to answer just because someone asks...

 

And this is The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner...Not exactly a Q & A session...

[nextel]

I find this kinda funny (not ha-ha)..

 

Every OW is different...What you ask of one OW will not be true of another...And if you are looking to find answers of the OW your H is/was with, then you'd have to ask her...And OW do not have to answer any questions at all...We are not required to answer just because someone asks...

 

And this is The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner...Not exactly a Q & A session...

 

I am cosigning.

[nadiaj2727]

I'm amazed at the total lack of consern for the W in most of these OW posts and the over use of the word I. And it almost seams that to break them up is the golden prize in somes eye. Kinda disturbeing don't you think they will just do the same thing to you once things start getting hard in the relashionship? I'm not trying to put any one down here please belive me no offence ment. But I do find the mind set in general odd could some one please explain the draw of it?

 

STM, I agree with you. I feel sad for the woman who is losing her marriage and her life as she knows it. I also think it's so pathetic that some women actively plot against the W (someone on here said, "If he's smart, he won't tell her about you." I bet if they were the wife in the situation they would say the exact opposite: "If he respects me at all or ever loved me, he would tell me the real reasons he's leaving, and give me the information about my marriage that I deserve to know!" Someone else said "Congrats, your MM is leaving his W for you!" WTF?!) It is just so sad that some people only think about what they want even at the knowing expense of others. I can understand someone in love with a married man who wants to be with him, but *not* someone who doesn't give two s*its about who they hurt in the process to be with him.

 

I think that for some OW, they overtly or secretly do not care at all about W or even harbor hatred/ resentment for her. I have heard very very few OW express feelings of care towards the W. That's a shame, because we are all women, and we should be supporting other women rather than trying to "win" their committed men from them. At least, that's how I see it. I'm not trying to say that all or most OW are "selfish" people, but I think that being in an affair tends to make people think about themselves instead of other people.

 

CMC, none of this is aimed at your situation (and I'm not saying you're being selfish, you sound like you honestly only want him if he was going to be divorced anyway with or without you), so I'm sorry for digressing. But in a way it relates because I wonder if it's possible that some of the rollercoaster feelings you are experiencing revolve around the fact that your happiness at the possibility of being in an exclusive relationship with MM is being gained at the expense of his W's unhappiness? I know that for me personally, I couldn't be with my xMM anymore, not only because I didn't think he was following through enough with his I'm-getting-divorced-and-it-has-nothing-to-do-with-you words, but also because I began to wonder: do I really want this? Is this the right way to have and build a relationship? I loved him and I loved being with him, but I could *not* live the rest of my life knowing that I was any part of why he divorced the woman he promised to love and cherish for the rest of his life. It just wasn't something I could live with myself for being a part of. And I agree with whoever said I could see his character all along: he was actively betraying and deceiving the one he had promised to protect. Therefore, I began to see that his words meant nothing: not when it came to her, and I am *not* that special that I would think he would suddenly become an honest and forthright person just because he was with me (especially when I had been going along with what he was doing to his W!!!... he had no reason to believe I was a person of integrity either, considering I was "okay" [in some senses, for what ever reasons] with having a secret relationship with a married man, deceiving his wife, and everyone else. Ewwww I now shudder when I think of what I was involved in, for the sake of "love.")

 

That's why I think some people are advising you to give him some space and take things slow. You want to make sure you're not "pushing" him to leave his wife, or you may feel bad later and he may resent you. If in the future the two of you don't work out or you're having a rough time or whatever, he may hold the whole "I left my wife/ marriage for you" card over your head. I'm not saying he's not a good guy, but it's natural to get so caught up in something at the time that we later regret it... not necessarily the circumstance (being with you) but the timing and the reasons behind our decisions (leaving his wife at this certain point in time to be with you).

 

Also, when people are going through a divorce they experience a myriad of emotions -- depression, feeling like a failure, loneliness, ups and downs of sadness to happiness, etc. -- and they don't always know for sure what they even want. I really hope you two work out, but as always, think with your head more than with your heart, and time never hurts any situation. My personal opinion, for what it's worth, is that it's healthiest and you two will have the greatest chance of success if you both make sure he is getting divorced because of the marriage's own merits and NOT because you are waiting in the wings or trying to "make" him leave her. I think you're doing the right thing by thinking of all of these angles and being cautious. If you two are meant to be, it will work out, but you need to do what is best for yourself first and foremost and for whatever future relationship you two will have after he's divorced. (I should add, I don't consider an affair a relationship... when he's divorced, you two can start a fresh, new, exclusive, committed relationship!) I say, protect your heart and do what you think is the right thing. Best wishes and happy holidays.

[nadiaj2727]

 

And this is The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner...Not exactly a Q & A session...

 

"And discussion."

 

Discussion inherently involves Q & A.

 

'Nuff said.

 

Perhaps CMC or other OW reading this thread appreciate everyone's questions. I know I sure did when I was an OW.

[PLAYBRAT]

I consider myself a former OW....though it never became physical..

the EA was just as destructive IMO. I'm not bitter that it didn't

"work out" or we didn;t end up together.I was sad and hurt that I lost a

closeness in our R that made our friendship so special....but it needed to happen in order for me to untangle myself from him. I am the one who

stopped things from going further...but it did not hurt any less because

I was the one who pulled the plug.I am STILL hurting...but I am moving on.

 

So just because a OW or former OW does not jump on your affair bandwagon...it does not mean we are 'cynical or bitter or trying to bring you down, we are TRYING to open your eyes and prevent you from being hurt or possibly destroying your life. Unfortunately I know a LOT of OW

(NOT all) walk around with blinders on and want everyone to agree with with them or condone what they are doing. It just doesn't work that way.

[Frances]

Callmecrazy, if you ever want to PM, please feel free. We have some cynics. This is a place were OW post and not for spouses who have experienced infidelity.

 

 

Is that because OW do not want to know about things from the other side of the situation?

 

Can you blame the bs being cynical when OW collude in helping their spouse to cheat.

 

To a great number of people it is a puzzle why anyone would have a relationship with a known cheat. I am aware that in some cases the OW does not know he is married and that is a different case.

[GreenEyedLady]

Can you blame the bs being cynical when OW collude in helping their spouse to cheat.

 

If the spouse wants to cheat, he's going to cheat...He's not forced into breaking his vows...

 

It's just the same as blaming the BS for the MM cheating...No one cheats, unless they want to...

[Frances]

If the spouse wants to cheat, he's going to cheat...He's not forced into breaking his vows...

 

It's just the same as blaming the BS for the MM cheating...No one cheats, unless they want to...

 

I did not say he was forced into it I said colluded with, thats quite different.

 

Spouses in most cases do not know about the cheating, they do not have a choice unlike the parties involved in the cheating situation.

[OWoman]

That's a shame, because we are all women, and we should be supporting other women rather than trying to "win" their committed men from them.

 

 

Why? I choose to treat people as individuals, not based on their gender or colour or religion or whatever. I choose to support people I respect, not people who share a gender or race or religion with me.

 

In my MM's case, his M was abusive and his W had walked out on MC when told by the counsellor that her behaviour was problematic. She was forced to resign from her job because she treated her colleagues so appallingly. She is not welcome in the homes of "their" friends or his family because of the way she treats him - and their children sometimes too - in public. All evidence suggests that she is Not A Nice Person. Why, then, should I feel some sense of sisterhood towards such a person? If it was a man treating his wife like that, I'd be rallying the neighbours to drive him out of town. Why should I treat her differently because she's a woman?

 

If she chooses to go for counselling, and to face and deal with her issues, I will support her. But as long as she chooses to abuse others, I will treat her as I treat every other abuser - I can feel pity for her, but I cannot respect her.

[nextel]

Look, obviously some people dont agree with single women dating MM. But understand its a choice people make whether knowingly or not. If a married man chooses to date, it is up to the woman to make a decision. And when those relationships dont work out, we come here to talk to OW that have experienced the same. Some of us that are still in those relationships come here and talk to OW that are either in the same boat or used to be in our shoes. We are not looking to justify our position to women that feel what we are doing is wrong.

 

I made a choice to date MM despite the fact that he is married. Why I did it is none of anyone's business, but a choice that I made. Like GEL said, no one forces anyone to do anything. MM are going to cheat if thats what they want to do. Mine made a decision to chase after me for 4 years, before and after he was married. I eventually decided to give it a go. Again, my choice and his choice.

[Owl]

Again, my choice and his choice.

 

Agreed. And if this were a choice that only impacted the two of you, no one could say a darned thing about it.

 

But...it doesn't impact just the two of you.

 

It impacts his wife. It impacts his kids. They're all affected by your 'choices', but never had a say in the matter.

 

That's why I post here a lot of the time...because I think that seeing "the other side of things" has merit. I read the stories of the OP here...I've learned a lot about seeing things from that viewpoint.

 

And I post my comments and advice based on my viewpoint...which is often not seen or considered when making these "choices".

 

If it were a minor 'choice'...like picking the color of paint...no big deal.

 

But its just a little more important than that...and affect a lot of other people outside of the two who made the "choice".

[GreenEyedLady]

Unfortunately I know a LOT of OW (NOT all) walk around with blinders on and want everyone to agree with with them or condone what they are doing. It just doesn't work that way.

 

It's not that "some" OW want everyone to agree with them or condone what we are doing...

 

Some of "us" just don't care if you agree with us or condone what we're doing...We're here to support others in the same situation...

 

The people with the blinders on are the ones that think everyone stays married all of the time...

[OWoman]

We are not looking to justify our position to women that feel what we are doing is wrong.

 

Or men.

 

And some day if I have to face the Flying Spaghetti Monster and account for my life, I'll stand tall and proud and happy, knowing that the decisions I took in my life were based on the best knowledge I had at the time, and if His Noodleness wants to cast me into the pit as a result - tough!

 

Ramen...

[GreenEyedLady]

Agreed. And if this were a choice that only impacted the two of you, no one could say a darned thing about it.

 

But...it doesn't impact just the two of you.

 

It impacts his wife. It impacts his kids. They're all affected by your 'choices', but never had a say in the matter.

 

That's why I post here a lot of the time...because I think that seeing "the other side of things" has merit. I read the stories of the OP here...I've learned a lot about seeing things from that viewpoint.

 

And I post my comments and advice based on my viewpoint...which is often not seen or considered when making these "choices".

 

I understand what you're saying...And some of us have been on both sides...

 

Doesn't it impact the kids if mom and dad are fighting all the time? That dad is never around? That mom is crying all the time?

 

Doesn't it impact the MP when their needs aren't being acknowledged, let alone met?

 

Why is it that only status quo is to be upheld? Obviously status quo isn't enough, or there'd be a lot less infidelity...

 

Choices always affect other people...Whether it's changing a job or relocating...Sometimes people don't like other people's choices, but in real life, you have to deal with them...

 

M isn't for everyone...and sometimes people make the wrong choice when choosing a life partner, I know I did...And I ended my M and that affected alot of people...But it was the right thing to do and you know what: no one died from that choice...My children bounced back and are very happy and doing very well in school...I am friendly with their father (that took a while) and we get along and make good choices in our kids' best interest...I have a great career, a stable R and beautiful home...My XH is very happy with his partner and so the story goes...

 

The thing about life is it keeps on going...

[nextel]

FYI, I dont think anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage just because of the children. Children will always adjust if their parents are happy. His W will find happiness after the D. Life goes on. We all make choices, you might not like them, but life goes on and everyone will survive.

 

Agreed. And if this were a choice that only impacted the two of you, no one could say a darned thing about it.

 

But...it doesn't impact just the two of you.

 

It impacts his wife. It impacts his kids. They're all affected by your 'choices', but never had a say in the matter.

 

That's why I post here a lot of the time...because I think that seeing "the other side of things" has merit. I read the stories of the OP here...I've learned a lot about seeing things from that viewpoint.

 

And I post my comments and advice based on my viewpoint...which is often not seen or considered when making these "choices".

 

If it were a minor 'choice'...like picking the color of paint...no big deal.

 

But its just a little more important than that...and affect a lot of other people outside of the two who made the "choice".

[OWoman]

Agreed. And if this were a choice that only impacted the two of you, no one could say a darned thing about it.

 

But...it doesn't impact just the two of you.

 

It impacts his wife. It impacts his kids. They're all affected by your 'choices', but never had a say in the matter.

 

Why do you assume the impact necessarily to be bad?

 

As a kid, my father's OW was the best thing that happened to us. Long before we knew she existed, she had an impact by bringing a smile to his face to chase away the scowl; she brought a lightness to his step that allowed him to see us without yelling at us for being underfoot; she brought humour to his mood so that he could shrug off some of what he had to endure at home without totally losing it.

 

And later, when we met her, we were equally enchanted. To this day I get on brilliantly with her - and she's been a treasure through the years as a raised my kids as a single mom.

 

If we'd HAD a say, we'd have told him to dump the silly notion of "staying together for the kids", to D my mother and take up full-time with his OW. And, given the choice, I'd have chosen to stay with them, in a house full of light and love and respect.

 

But in those days, kids didn't have a say - it was "seen and not heard" if you wanted to grow old enough to look over the fence!

 

So yes, I'm grateful to my father for making that choice on our behalf. It may not have been everyone's choice, but it certainly worked for us.

[Frances]

FYI, I dont think anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage just because of the children. Children will always adjust if their parents are happy. His W will find happiness after the D. Life goes on. We all make choices, you might not like them, but life goes on and everyone will survive.

 

 

I agree that a couple should not stay married for the sake of the kids but they owe it to the kids to work on the marriage for their sake.

 

I accept that marriages break down and divorce happens. I also believe one should not take up a new relationship until the first one it truly over.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I find this kinda funny (not ha-ha)..

 

Every OW is different...What you ask of one OW will not be true of another...And if you are looking to find answers of the OW your H is/was with, then you'd have to ask her...And OW do not have to answer any questions at all...We are not required to answer just because someone asks...

 

And this is The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner...Not exactly a Q & A session...

Again defensive and border line rude but I guess if that makes you feel better go for it. This is a open message board and I thought every one could talk and ask questions no? Perhaps there sould be a closed off members only section the OWs seeing as some of them want nothing more then a patting on the back seams! And you may take that any way you like my dear.. I wasent rude in anyway yet you come at me and attack me what for? Again honestly I don't get the mind set here oh well to each his own I guess

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Look, obviously some people dont agree with single women dating MM. But understand its a choice people make whether knowingly or not. If a married man chooses to date, it is up to the woman to make a decision. And when those relationships dont work out, we come here to talk to OW that have experienced the same. Some of us that are still in those relationships come here and talk to OW that are either in the same boat or used to be in our shoes. We are not looking to justify our position to women that feel what we are doing is wrong.

 

I made a choice to date MM despite the fact that he is married. Why I did it is none of anyone's business, but a choice that I made. Like GEL said, no one forces anyone to do anything. MM are going to cheat if thats what they want to do. Mine made a decision to chase after me for 4 years, before and after he was married. I eventually decided to give it a go. Again, my choice and his choice.

Just wondering what about the choise of the W or the kids? you say its no ones business but your own. But in reallity what OWs and MM for that fact are doing is affecting others in a hurtfull and damageing way no? So shouldent those peeple have a say in it as well? Its kinda like a alkey who drinks and gets behind the wheel of a car. Then says its there choise but yet when they hurt others in the process is really not is it? Most OW that I've seen here seam very denfsive. I also realise its a 2 way street and the MM are just as wrong. I have more respect for the OWs who are trying to get out of there afairs then anything else. And thats all I have to say on this subject! Not much point as it all seams to get picked apart anyways here. So is this only a pro OW section or are other opinions and questions weclomed ???

[CallMeCrazy]

I know that for me, I appreciate everyone's advice. I know that not everyone will agree with the choices that I have made... just as I may not agree with anyone else's opinions. Each situation involving MM/OW is highly different and that is something I've learned here on this forum.

 

I joined this forum to vent. To find others in similar situations as mine. To share experiences, thoughts, feelings and to listen to advice from others. To grow as a person and learn from the relationships I am in and have been in.... From time to time I also share my own opinions.

 

I think that if comments are said with respect then each person can take what they want (or don't want) from them...

 

NOW..... For a quick update: My MM signed a lease for an apartment and told his W that he doesn't want to stay married! However... he's yet actually move out of the house and start the paperwork. At least he seems to be really moving forward... I'm cautiously optimistic.

 

Thanks for all of your thoughts/advice/etc. I (we) still have a long road ahead of me (us)...

[whichwayisup]

CMC, let his actions back up what he is saying. Until you know 100% for sure and see this with your own eyes, shield your heart and don't put all your focus on him.

[PoshPrincess]

CMC, let his actions back up what he is saying. Until you know 100% for sure and see this with your own eyes, shield your heart and don't put all your focus on him.

 

Agreed. CMC, how do you know for sure that he has done what he says? I am not trying to put you down here or say that what you have with MM isn't real but you really do not know until he puts his money where his mouth is, so to speak.

 

My exMM told me he was going to tell his W he was leaving. He says he DID but whether that's true or not I will never know. He didn't leave. I hope for your sake that your MM is not stringing you along in the same way and that things work out for you but please just be aware of all the pitfalls. You cannot be 100% sure until the ink is dry on the divorce papers!

 

x

[CallMeCrazy]

Thanks Posh and Whichwayisup...

 

I agree 100% that until he falls through with everything ~ this all means nothing. It gives me hope, but I've been with him for almost a year now (friends for 2+ yrs first). That's a long time...

 

I've been in the process of applying for new jobs and continuing to spend time with friends and family over the holiday season. I want our R to consist of him becoming a part of my life ~ not him being my life. I'm planning for my future regardless if he is a part of that or not. I'd LOVE for him to be.... but ultimately I have to take care of myself.

 

I also have a mental deadline for him (whether this is good or not...?!?). I'm single and in my late 20's ~ I don't plan on waiting around for him if he doesn't get his stuff together really quickly. This is the most pain I've ever experienced and it's simply not healthy to love someone you cannot have. While I do believe that we're in love and we have something incredibly special ~ I also know that if what we have IS this great he will do anything to be with me. I'm waiting for that to happen by XX/XX/XX. If it doesn't, then obviously I've severely misjudged what we share... and I'll be forced to end things.

[GreenEyedLady]

Again defensive and border line rude but I guess if that makes you feel better go for it. This is a open message board and I thought every one could talk and ask questions no? Perhaps there sould be a closed off members only section the OWs seeing as some of them want nothing more then a patting on the back seams! And you may take that any way you like my dear.. I wasent rude in anyway yet you come at me and attack me what for? Again honestly I don't get the mind set here oh well to each his own I guess

 

Who's being defensive now?

 

I wasn't attacking you at all...Just making an observation how OW are expected to answer questions that really don't mean very much in your personal situation...and I say "your" collectively...

 

I don't need a pat on the back...I'm here to support and encourage others...I'm not here to answer people's questions...If that were the case I'd start a column and call it Ask GreenEyedLady...