Everything is okay

[carrotgirl]

Three martinis later..... Drunk ranting of a carrot. I'm going to pass out and then I'm going to be sick. Reverse that.

 

Yet another..... friend? Now are these friends or what? Yah. They're friends. I know they are.... well my friend tells me the ex spent Christmas alone in his flat. Yes. Alone. In his flat. Down the street from me. Alone.

 

Part of me is bitter since he knows I'm having even more hard times and he doesn't care enough to be with me. Or call me. Or anything.

 

Part of me feels very sad for his pain. He has a family who loves him. They live close by like my family and he chooses to be alone on Christmas day.

 

This is just NOT what I know. Then again, this year isn't what I know either. There was no warm stollen smell at my brother's house this morning. I can't abide stollen since the infamous stollen incident of 1985, let's just say I once had more than a town's fair share of stollen and then shared it all over town later in the day.... But I still like disliking the smell at my brother's house on Christmas morning.

 

Hmmph. Is this about me or about me thinking about my ex? I guess it's about me.

 

I guess I must be falling out of love among other things. Like he said. I'm not feeling it. I'm me. I have passion and I make mistakes and I love. I love with all of me and I make mistakes with all of me. And I like to be out of doors. I like to be by the fire. And I like to be active. I love the sensation of wind wooshing in my ears when I run so so fast. I love the feel of my feet floating over the pavement at mile 2.4.

 

Perhaps it's true. My parents raised me to be a courtesan and not a wife. I'm sure this wasn't exactly their intent. They only wanted an independent child. Which they got. My brothers are the exact opposite. They're mainstream and married and have kids and I'm jealous beyond belief. And at the same time. I'm not. I couldn't choose that for myself. I don't know why. I just couldn't. Not until the ex.

 

Bah. He didn't love me. It's no great loss. There are LOTS of people who don't love me. Christian Bale does not love me. Alexander Ovechkin, yah. He doesn't love me either. Hrrm. SO maybe I DO have a type. LOL. Well, there's more where they came from.

 

God I hate family gatherings on this scale. I'm the family underachiever don't you know... HA. I have no historical world recognition. I'm not a supermodel or a Pulitzer winner. I didn't invent a new cancer curing drug. I laugh and laugh at my relatives. They're truly a race of super beings and I'm only marginally more then human. I never really wanted their world. Their world wasn't enough for me. I don't want money. I don't want fame. I REALLY don't want politics.

 

Ichh. I HATE being mentioned in the news. I hate being called beautiful in the same sentence as smart as if they're mutually exclusive quantities. I hate dressing up for balls and charity events. I hate being photographed. I hate being thin. ics.

 

I want a little house and anonymity. I want to live and taste and breathe and experience everything I can and still be unknown. I want to eat twenty profiteroles rich with cream and chocolate sauce and then I want to eat a lobster. Naked. All by myself. I want to luxuriate in rich food and fat. I adore the ex's extra curves. I love that he has something to hold. I hate that I'm bony. And I eat. But I love that clothes look right on my bony frame so that's something anyway.

 

Wooghh. Martinis have my head woooghing. I just want to be loved like everyone else. Someday. Or maybe I'll just be the muse and the courtesan forever. Could be worse. Could always be worse.

 

Enough ranting. My nose is numb!

 

Carrot

[AriaIncognito]

Carrot, I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. I lost mine in April of last year, so I know what it's like. He was 91 when he passed. It's never easy, regardless. Sometimes I think we believe certain people or animals will be the ones to be different and live forever.

 

One thing I was curious about, you said someone had a new baby, was the baby born the same day as your grandfather's passing? I ask because of the obvious reasons of wondering if one soul went to live on through another. I found out a coworkers family had a baby the same day my grandfather passed, and while it didn't make it much easier, the idea that maybe, just maybe, his death brought about life, well, it made it feel a bit better.

[carrotgirl]

Hi Aria, the baby isn't quite that new.

 

Things are evening out a bit.

 

I have a problem and I could use some advice on how to govern myself.

 

I'm having trouble getting past the fact that the ex didn't even say he was sorry about my grandpa passing away. So far today he is completely ignoring me which I am handling just fine. I am ignoring him. He's seen me. he knows I'm in the office. I'm avoiding him as much as possible. I see no reason to do anything differently however, at some point we will not be able to ignore each other and then what should I do? Do I say nothing? Do I tell him I think he's scum for not having the common courtesy to say he was sorry to hear Grandpa died?

 

I think this makes everything he's ever said a lie. This bothers me so many different ways. I would really like to tell him off.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

If anyone has been in this situation, could you offer some direction or tips on what did or didn't work for you?

 

Thanks,

Carrot

[Crestfallen_KH]

Carrot, can I ask - you told GD to back off and leave you alone, right? If you did, you can't have it both ways. Despite what's going on in your life, if he's respecting your wishes then you can't fault him for not going against your wishes to express his sympathy at your grandpa's death.

 

I'm not sure how you left things with him recently, so I won't continue to presume anything. What I will say is that I am so sorry about your grandpa and what you're going through. It's so tough and I have a lot of empathy for you.

[carrotgirl]

Crestfallen, of course you can ask. Thanks for the empathy. I appreciate it. I really do.

 

In answer, no, I didn't ask him to leave me alone. I didn't ask or say anything to him. So unless he's checking my posts here or reading my mail, he only knows I'm not going at all out of my way to have anything to do with him in the last week and a half.

 

I will tell you, the reason I didn't ask is because I've learned it doesn't much matter. People are going to do whatever they want to do. So no point in my asking. I have simply not been making any move to have contact with him.

 

Does this make a difference in your response?

[carrotgirl]

The conversation went something like this. He waved and smiled and said Hi. I ignored him. He waved again. I ignored him. He waved again and said....What?

 

Carrot...What?

ex....I'm just saying hi to you.

Carrot.... Oh.

ex....I was saying hi to you. I can't say hi to you?

Carrot.... I don't know what you could possibly have to say to me.

ex.....Why can't I just say hi to you?

Carrot..... Because my grandfather died and you didn't even say anything.

ex....Well I didn't know that.

Carrot..... @$$hole.

 

And then I stomped off. I deserved to stomp. It felt good.

 

I hate him. I really fluccking hate him. I know he knew. That's what has my knickers in a twist. I already know he knew. @$$hole.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Wow - ok. That's definitely very low then. That would tick me off, too, especially since you know he just lied to you.

 

I guess I can't think of any reason why he wouldn't say anything to you then, honestly. It doesn't seem like it would be for spite. Maybe he was confused? I know people can be pretty uncomfortable about death. But still, I guess I can't think of a legit reason why he wouldn't say something.

 

Since he spent Christmas alone, do you think he's maybe just trying to isolate himself? I know trying to find any excuse is an exercise in futility so I wouldn't encourage you to go down that road (you'd be MUCH smarter than I am, in that case) so I'll just say I'm sorry.

[carrotgirl]

I was so angry I left work early. LOL. That felt good too. Crestfallen, it is possible he didn't know. It is possible when our friend mentioned this news he may not have understood, may not have been paying attention, may have been drinking on Christmas eve.... Sure. There are plausible excuses. You know what? I don't care.

 

Other co-workers who are NOT friends found it within themselves to offer condolences and all they knew was that someone had died. And I still don't care. The point isn't to use Grandpa as my battle axe. Though something tells me he would willingly be my battle axe if only it got me what I wanted and kept me happy and healthy. He wasn't an angelic grandpa. He was more like an old school mafioso grandpa.

 

If the ex wants to have anything to do with me again he's going to have to earn it and I'm not kidding. He'll have to earn the right to even speak to me. When he comes around like a giant douchebag again I'm going to tell him this. I'm going to tell him the three things he'll have to accomplish before he's even allowed to speak to me.

 

What really ticks me off about this is he will LIKE this very much. He will LIKE being told what to do to make good. He will like that I think he's scum and has to earn to the right to talk to me. Bah. I don't care. It's time we all understand where we stand with each other. He's lucky to even know me. If he wants to talk to me he'll have to work for it. If he wants me to talk back, he'll have to work for that too.

 

I spent quality time with the bros and my Grandma today before going to the office. Grandma just talked and talked and talked. Mostly she told anyone who would listen about how she was glad I had Cat with me so I wasn't alone all the time.

 

Apparently, it's been the favorite topic of conversation among my family in recent months. They are worried for me. They are worried I'll never marry and never have a family of my own. They're worried I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and that's a lot of life.... It's a fair worry. I of course had to laugh and joke and make them feel better because what am I going to say? Yah. I'm terrified that everything you're saying is true?

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Since he spent Christmas alone, do you think he's maybe just trying to isolate himself?

He is isolating himself. He's hurting. The part of me that isn't in @$$hole overdrive right now knows this. I think I know him well enough to know his pain has been talking. He's a sensitive man. Far more sensitive than I am.

 

Even though I know this, I just don't care. If he wants to have anything to do with me ever again he'll have to earn it. He will have to buy his way back into my grace with deeds and actions.

 

If anyone would like to add to the list of stuff he'll have to accomplish at each stage of earning my trust and attention, feel free.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I have the least of what I need to know.

 

It's a new day and the ex made no motion to apologize or be nice. He didn't call to apologize last night. I'd hoped he might but he didn't and he is nothing today. A big nothing. We're ignoring each other like we don't even exist.

 

It's sad. I'm sad.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I'm burning. He just looked through me like I didn't exist. I suppose I did the same. Is he burning too? How did we come to this?

 

Was everything a lie?

Edited December 27, 2007 by carrotgirl

[Lyssa]

 

Apparently, it's been the favorite topic of conversation among my family in recent months. They are worried for me. They are worried I'll never marry and never have a family of my own. They're worried I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and that's a lot of life.... It's a fair worry. I of course had to laugh and joke and make them feel better because what am I going to say? Yah. I'm terrified that everything you're saying is true?

 

Carrot

 

Carrot! I can relate to your situation. My late mother used to worry that I'd never settle down...

 

We both gotta make a pack! I'll PM you on that...

[carrotgirl]

Lyssa, we sure have a lot in common. Yah. We'll talk. I said a prayer and made a donation for your mom earlier. I figured you'd understand why.

 

About the ex. Bah humbug bug bugger. He wasn't just ignoring me. He hid from me all day. He actually HID. Poor slob. It was horrifying to realize I hurt him that much. People don't act like this unless they hurt. Sorry. They just don't.

 

This whole love business has become a rotting mess. I can't do it anymore. I don't even want to try. It doesn't matter how much I love.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Hi, Carrot -

 

I think you're doing the right thing, if it's any consolation. Some stranger on a message board thinks you're doing right by yourself to have specific demands that he would have to meet to "get another chance" with you. I think that is representative of a smart woman with healthy self-esteem. Your particular mood right now might respond "Yeah, great, cookie for me!" but it's that type of strength that pulls you through the ****.

 

Sometimes these love relationships seem to be more frustration than they're worth, I'll give you that. It's hard not to project or think about what they are thinking, too, but at some point you'll get sick of even wanting to think about him and what he's thinking or feeling.

 

When I have some sort of idea of when that day magically comes, I'll fill you in.

[carrotgirl]

It was all in the realm of the fantastic anyway since obviously he wants as little to do with me as I want to do with him at the moment. Hmn. Wait a minute.... I really WANT to have something to do with him but I'm not.... ha ha ha. Yah. All of the what if-ing and projecting has me tired out.

 

I left work early again today. Came home and sent a quick note to friends. Typed a couple of characters out of habit, the program auto filled in the addresses and a second too late I realized my note got sent to the ex. Unbelievably, there wasn't a single mention of the ex but I hate that I did that anyway.

 

That's a tired Carrot.

[carrotgirl]

Carrot was a goodly Carrot and she let go.

 

GD-WB didn't let go.

 

He parked himself in my office for 2.5+ hours today making nice. I couldn't have thrown him out without making a scene. After hour 1, I said hey GD, I've gotta pee and stood up and started walking out. He said, Okay, you go. He sat and waited for me to come back from the WC.

 

What.... The.... Fuhh?