Everything is okay

[carrotgirl]

26 yr old, thank you. I am so touched by your compassionate first post. MelodyMatters said it right. Kirikat, Sedgwick, Crestfallen, everyone. Thanks for being there. It's really good knowing you're out there.

 

I'm okay. At least, I'm okay physically. I went to hospital when I was still having trouble breathing. After a listen and just a couple tests the surgeon cleared up a few similar episodes that had random explanations. I've had a heart murmer since I was little and it started acting up. Evidently, many people describe the sensations of heart racing and palpitations exactly like panic or "fight or flight" reactions and not being able to breathe is also common. I started medication to help regulate my heart beat and we'll see how that works. It's never been a problem before so we'll monitor and evaluate. It's a relief to know I'm not crazy and very nice to have my head back on!

 

The emotional twaddle was what it was and it's for me to fix. I still need to find a way to cope with my GD discomfort even if the panic attack wasn't really a panic attack. I'll continue to let go in stages.

 

Carrot

[melodymatters]

Carrotina !!! I am sorry about the heart murmer, but glad you've got it sorted out ! That must have been terribly frightening !

 

Now at least you can proceed to figure out what to do about GD without dealing with physically induced panic !

 

My heart goes out to you, I used to have bad panic attacks and know how crappy that feels.

 

Hugs for the holiday !

 

melody

[carrotgirl]

Hi Melody,

 

No worries here. I've known about it and how to guard against infection since I was a small girl. This was the first time my heart ever went crazy like that (and probably this is the reason for the episode a couple of months ago). My fear was of being committed since I really thought I must have lost touch with reality.

 

Want to hear something I thought was cool? Among other questions like what was I eating and do I take precautions against infection, the surgeon asked if I'd experienced heartbreak recently. Perhaps it's a standard question. I thought it was a good question. Especially since I have.

 

I think I love being called Carrotina. I'm changing my name!

[sedgwick]

BIG HUGE HUGS TO YOU CARROT...

 

I have a heart murmur too! Only the cool chicks.

[Trialbyfire]

Take care of that heart murmur, Carrot.

 

My older sister has one too, from being a premature baby. What she did was to eat as healthy as possible and maintain good physical condition.

 

She completed her Masters of Science, quite a number of years ago and cycled over 1/2 the world, at different points in her life. It hasn't slowed her down at all so don't worry, unless you overload on stress or overload on physical exercise. A little bit at a time, and focus on reducing stress.

[carrotgirl]

Ha. Having a murmur has just never been an issue. I do stay very fit, though lately I've been not as fit as I like what with all the hard living, booze and loose cabana boys. Or something like that. GD and I played a few sets of doubles later that night. I'm blessed with freakishly good overall health. I'm really okay.

 

Oh, Tri - guess what I got for early Christmas.... SALT! I got three jars of very nice flavoured salt and I thought of you immediately.

[Trialbyfire]

Sharing salt is an act of friendship. Pass a bottle and we can share.

[carrotgirl]

Send an address and we shall share the yummy goodness.

 

No offense taken at PO Boxes either.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I was wondering about you, Carrot. Thanks for coming back to let us know you're ok.

 

Take care of you.

[carrotgirl]

Happy Christmas everyone!

 

Thanks for thinking of me Crestfallen. Yah. I'm okay and getting ready for hanging out with the relatives.

 

I have an early New Year resolution too. I'm going to commit to work-related LC and everything else NC for a period of 1 week with the intent of extending that goal to 2 weeks. A month seems unrealistic at this point and I want an initial goal I can actually achieve!

 

Here are my guidelines so far. If you see things that you think are going to spell trouble, like for instance I'm being too harsh and this could harm me professionally, please speak up. I don't want to be stupid in my new resolve. I just want to move on.

 

For anything work-related....

1. No initiating contact by any means unless for the purpose of completing work.

 

2. No responding to contact from my ex unless for the purpose of completing work.

 

What this means to me is that unless there is an immediate and direct work need, I won't be sharing conversations with him by e-mail, phone or text.

 

Other than a polite greeting, I will ignore his presence. I won't take part in socializing sorts of conversations or activities where the ex is part of the conversation or peripherally involved. Other than to complete work, I won't be near the ex to the best of my ability. If he is within my hearing range, I will remove myself to somewhere else.

 

If we have been collaborating on something and he decides to e-mail me a compliment after posting results, I will ignore his e-mail. If he calls my mobile I will not respond. All contact that is not strictly professional will be ignored.

 

3. If the ex invites me to lunch or golfing or some other thing that isn't strictly business related, my response will be either, Thanks, can't, I'm busy if he asks me in person. If he asks by any other means I will ignore him.

 

4. If the ex wants to engage me in conversation in my office, I will leave my office because, I was just leaving. I need a cup of coffee or I need to use the toilet.

 

5. Unless strictly work related, I won't talk about the ex or engage in an social type of conversation about him.

 

Undecided ---- whether to even acknowledge greetings, smiles, small talk, waves in the hallway or anything else if no one else is around.

 

 

Also.....

 

I'm going to find a new parking space and I'm changing my perfume.

 

I'm throwing out anything he has either given me, or is used to associating with me. The gift he gave me last week is in the trash. I won't be wearing it. A shirt I know is a particular favorite of his is likewise in the trash.

 

Any future gifts will either be ignored, refused or discarded, whichever action causes the least harm, requires the least action and/or requires the least acknowledgment. I don't want to send any message other than what is strictly polite for a cordial business association. For everything that isn't work related there is full NC. All attempts at contact will be ignored. I will be avoiding all places where we would be likely to see each other to the best of my ability.

 

 

I don't have any plans for what to do if or when he shows up in person at my place.

 

If an emergency for should arise I will maintain NC. Unless of course I need him to save my life or have indication that he needs me to save his life and the chances of either of those things are very few. Also, I don't wish for either of us to have anything bad happen to us.

 

Those are my rules of disengagement. There is no ill regard or intent for him. What I want from this is to move on from our past relationship. The love didn't go away. This isn't a test of whether or not he chooses to hold on. I'm not hoping my actions lead to any kind of reconciliation. I just want to free up that time and space for other, more fulfilling things.

 

 

So who is gasping with surprise or laughing with a silly Carrot shake of the head?

 

Midnight Friday, the 28th of December will be the end of week 1.

 

Carrotina

[carrotgirl]

Things sure change fast.

 

I stopped by a friend's to drop off a Christmas prezzie and saw the ex on his way out walking to his car. He probably thought I was stalking him but WTF. It's Christmas. I smiled and waved as I kept going. Shared some egg nog and hugs with my friend and came home.

 

Walked into my place and my brother was in there with his new little baby. He was crying. My grandpa died just a little while ago. So now instead of Christmas we're having a funeral.

 

I phoned work already. I couldn't bear to call my ex after I vowed to have NC and not contact him if there were emergencies. Me and my big fat mouth. My brother went back home to be with his wife. I'm just kind of sitting here.

 

Carrot

Edited December 24, 2007 by carrotgirl

[sedgwick]

Oh my god Carrot, I'm so sorry! That's awful! Best wishes to you and your family...

 

That said, your plan sounds well-thought-out and I think you should stick with it. How did you see him walking to his car when you were at your friend's? Does he live in the same place?

[johan]

That's terrible news, CG. I know how it felt when my grandfather died. I'm sorry for you and your family.

[carrotgirl]

Oh my god Carrot, I'm so sorry! That's awful! Best wishes to you and your family...

 

That said, your plan sounds well-thought-out and I think you should stick with it. How did you see him walking to his car when you were at your friend's? Does he live in the same place?

Yah. I'm sticking with the plan. My friend lives a few buildings over from from my ex. I was looking for a parking space. The ex was walking to his car. This is life. I'm not apologizing.

 

I don't really care what the ex thinks of me right now if you get me. It's been a shiit-crappy few months and the minute I feel like there's goodness, I am getting hammered into a mushier pulpy mess.

 

My thoughts are somewhat annoyed with my family actually. Grandpa had a good, long life. I'm sorry everyone bawling with so much drama instead of celebrating his life with laughter and joy. He worked very hard to give us all a good life, good things, nice clothes. It seems false to reward that effort by cancelling Christmas and wearing old rags.

 

No. I haven't said this aloud but my refusal to blubber and mourn and help take down the Christmas decorations has me in the doghouse anyway. I can tell my brothers think I pretty much suck as a human. I'm not unfeeling. I know it's not easy to lose someone you love ever but Grandpa was 100 years old. It was his time.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

That's terrible news, CG. I know how it felt when my grandfather died. I'm sorry for you and your family.

Thanks Johan. We'll all be okay. We're a hearty, stubborn bunch. I think it comes with the the genes.

[melodymatters]

I'm sorry abuot your gramps carrot, but i'm with you on this one ! Did they really think he was going to live forever, and was he the kind of guy that would want everything cancelled ?

 

He sounds like a cool guy, and speaking as a 'cool gal", I definitely want people drinking, laughing and celebrating my life instead of some dog and pony, who can cry the hardest, show !

 

Again, sorry about the unfortunate timing, but good for you on your LC resolutions !!

 

This all too shall pass !

[underpants]

Carrot,

 

Sorry to hear about your Grandpa. Wow 100, that is pretty cool.

 

Just get through it the best you can girl.

[carrotgirl]

Even in my family I'm considered "unusual" and a "throwback" which is really their way of saying, We hardly tolerate her shiit but what else can we do? Throw her back?

 

When I die, I'm not having a funeral but I'll be dead so if people have one without me there's nothing I can do but I'm donating whatever of my body can be harvested for the living and the rest to science. Already stipulated in my will. Also, the money that would be spent on a funeral and burial and all the stuff will be split. Half to go to a local women's shelter. The other half for a catered party with an open bar.

 

Bah humbug to all of the humbugs!

 

We're all religions in my family and Christmas eve is very special to me. I was once the very grateful recipient of a Christmas eve miracle in a blizzard! I'm not a big believer in god sort of person. I'm just not. Christmas eve I get down on my knees in joyous thanks. I don't see why tonight should be different. Hey Zeus! What about next Christmas?

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

And so no one should think ill of the ex in his absence. He doesn't know because I really am keeping NC. If I told him, he'd be here with me tonight. He would hold me and make jokes and funny faces and he'd celebrate Grandpa's life with me, and we'd raise a glass of punch or several and we'd eat pie and on and on. I know this. I'd have only to tell him what's going on and he'd spend Christmas with me. He would want to be with me and comfort me.

 

I'm just too snotty to have him on those terms. It would be a legitimate request and he won't give a rat's booty later to know I didn't ask for him to be with me. He'll think I'm ridiculous for not telling him. I don't care. I'd rather be snotty.

[sao2]

Merry Christmas Carrot. Sorry to hear about your grandpa but I am with you that you should be celebrating his life more than anything else.

[fabulousgal]

i'm really sorry to hear about your grandpa. hugs.

[carrotgirl]

Thanks niña fabulosa, Sao. Doing just fine. Watching It's a Wonderful Life (in blessed black and white) and eating a whole pizza with a pineapple ice cream chaser in protest of the rudest Christmas gift I've gotten ever.

 

Life is good.

[carrotgirl]

Could I please have a hug?

 

Everything is okay. I mean given the current state of life. I'm just tired and feeling stressed out. And I've gone over the edge of normalcy into some very negative thinking about the ex, which I think is really just me hating myself.

 

Carrot

[johan]

Could I please have a hug?

 

Everything is okay. I mean given the current state of life. I'm just tired and feeling stressed out. And I've gone over the edge of normalcy into some very negative thinking about the ex, which I think is really just me hating myself.

 

Carrot

 

Here you go *hug*. Hang in there, and go easy on yourself.

[carrotgirl]

Thank you.

 

Yah. I'm going easier on myself now that I'm in cranky mode. I just heard that someone already told my ex about Grandpa passing. Which means he's known and hasn't even called on the phone to offer condolences. Yah. I'm cranky. And I'm a little surprised. I suppose it's good to finally know there's something he's a big @$$hole about.

 

Carrot