Inconflict Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Hi everyone, I am posting here because my life is just madness at the moment. I know it may seem silly to go asking strangers for advice on such a personal topic, but I don't know where else to turn. So I thought I would post here and see what some unbiased opinions/suggestions were. Let me start at the beginning. I met my current boyfriend online ten years (when we were 16) ago. I made the move to live with him two years later, and in the beginning we were happy. We loved each other and things were great. But it wasn't long before I started noticing that my very first serious relationship was an unhealthy one. He has low self-esteem, he is controlling, and he has at times been rough with me. Lately he has taken to yelling at me over trivial things and calling me names. I have been unhappy for some time. So I went out and did a stupid thing. Another man started giving me the attention that I wanted (also online) and we started talking on the phone. We talked for roughly 10-12 hours on most days and became very close. I finally got to the point that I wanted to go meet him and see if I could find a healthy relationship at last. We had a blast, and we get along great. He makes me feel special in every way, and he makes me laugh constantly. I am really very happy when I'm with him, and I like who I am when I'm in his presence. So it's an easy decision, right? Guy number 2 makes me happy. Well, here are my concerns. Guy number 2 is five years younger than me (21), he has never had a very serious relationship, he never went to college, and he currently works night stock at a grocery store. Not a very promising future. But he DOES make me happy. Granted, that could just be the whole "butterflies, new love" feeling. Guy number 1, my current boyfriend, is about to be hired in at a multi-million dollar company and will be making very good money. The thought of financial security sounds really good to me. I know in the past we were happy, but we neglected our relationship. I think that maybe one day I could be happy with him again. He tells me he realizes he was wrong to treat me the way he did, and he wants just one chance to prove that he can change, even after I cheated on him. He is even saying that he would go to relationship counseling, and anger-management. So if anyone is still reading this, thanks for listening. If you have any suggestions or advice please let me know. Thank you in advance.
Lizzie60 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I say go with your gut feeling... If you think you're better off with guy no. 1... well tell him to do what he promised... and see what happens... Guy no 2 could be a lot of fun but might become a 'chore' if you have to support him financially... I know money doesn't buy happiness... but it helps a LOT!!!!
Tripper Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 We loved each other and things were great. But it wasn't long before I started noticing that my very first serious relationship was an unhealthy one. He has low self-esteem, he is controlling, and he has at times been rough with me. Lately he has taken to yelling at me over trivial things and calling me names. I have been unhappy for some time. Guy number 2 is five years younger than me (21), he has never had a very serious relationship, he never went to college, and he currently works night stock at a grocery store. Not a very promising future. But he DOES make me happy. Granted, that could just be the whole "butterflies, new love" feeling. Well, IC, there's a couple of thoughts that come to mind. Your relationship with Guy 1 is like a marriage. Real life and it's problems tend to intrude into the fairy tale you envision together. Guy 2 is someone you are "dating"?? which is when you make the time to look and act your best with out the hassles of bills to pay, etc. so of course it's wonderful. Guy 1 sounds somewhat abusive. Are you in any physical danger?? Because this is a big red flag. Treating you poorly is bad enough, but if he smacks you around then you need to make sure you get the heck outta there. That said, you mentioned he wanted to clean up his act and work on the relationship. That's cool, but I would insist that you do it through the venue of MC if he is serious. Let him prove he wants to fix your relationship. Love isn't enough. If you want a successful, strong relationship you also need to have common values. You've indicated that Guy 2 doesn't have much of a job or future, and yet to you financial security is important. So down the road, if you choose Guy 2 are you going to have a bunch of problems over financial issues.. not having enough money etc.?? Probably. What you really should do is make a decision on your current relationship. Either you fix it or you end it. If you decide to end it, you really should take some time alone, on your own and figure out what you need and want in a partner. You can bounce from one relationship to another but unless you do some serious thinking about yourself you may doom yourself to another poor relationship. THEN go out and find a man who is ALL that you want him to be. It ain't easy, but aren't you worth it??
Tripper Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I know money doesn't buy happiness... but it helps a LOT!!!! hahaha. you know Lizzie, you sound like a woman I worked with a lifetime ago. She always said "money doesn't buy happiness but it sure make the misery worthwhile".
spookie Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 What I want to know is what the heck you can talk about for 10-12 hours a day.
Nemo Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 What I want to know is what the heck you can talk about for 10-12 hours a day. I bet he has a whole shed full of Star Wars collectibles. "Did I ever tell you about the time I swapped a limited-edition Darth Vader - complete with glow-in-the-dark lightsaber - for a clapped-out Millennium Falcon?"
Trialbyfire Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 I think this is a situation of settling for one of them. Don't you think that you deserve better, than an abusive man and a rebound guy? As for cheating, I think it's pretty sad that you need the external validation to feel you're worth something. While your first relationship maybe abusive, what does that say about you and your morality or ability to be responsible and reliable in a relationship? I think you need to get your own head and heart together by firstly, leaving the abusive relationship, and secondly, spending time alone and getting to like yourself before you mess up someone else.
norajane Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 (edited) What I want to know is what the heck you can talk about for 10-12 hours a day. Just imagine how close you and Guy #1 could be if you devoted that kind of energy to your relationship instead of talking to some guy you hadn't even met at the time. I like who I am when I'm in his presence. Don't you like yourself otherwise? Why don't you like you who you are when you're with your bf? Or is it that Guy #2 validates you and makes you feel like you're special, and Guy #1 has known you a lot longer and you don't have the newness of discovering each other? If you are to make things work with your bf, he's not the only one who needs to try. You need to cut off all contact with Guy #2, first of all, and you also need to try to make your bf feel like he's special...maybe he doesn't like who he is when he's with you, either. However, consider that a guy you met when you were 16 isn't necessarily going to be right for you anymore at 26. To me, it sounds like neither of them might be right for you and it's time to stand on your own two feet and find out who YOU are when you are on your own, taking care of yourself, without trying to fit yourself into some guy's life. Once you know who you are, you might find that you want a different kind of guy altogether than either of them. Edited December 24, 2007 by norajane
Nemo Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 I think this is a situation of settling for one of them. Don't you think that you deserve better, than an abusive man and a rebound guy? As for cheating, I think it's pretty sad that you need the external validation to feel you're worth something. While your first relationship maybe abusive, what does that say about you and your morality or ability to be responsible and reliable in a relationship? I think you need to get your own head and heart together by firstly, leaving the abusive relationship, and secondly, spending time alone and getting to like yourself before you mess up someone else. This is excellent advice. It's firm, it hits the spot, and it thrusts deeply into the real tissues issues. Sure, it's confronting. But that's what the five-digit superstars do best. They get right into your pants. Like ants. And do a dance. Suddenly it appears: your moment of clarity. That's what LS is all about. Well... that, and anal jokes.
Trialbyfire Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 This is excellent advice. It's firm, it hits the spot, and it thrusts deeply into the real tissues issues. Sure, it's confronting. But that's what the five-digit superstars do best. They get right into your pants. Like ants. And do a dance. Suddenly it appears: your moment of clarity. That's what LS is all about. Well... that, and anal jokes. I'm absolutely floored that someone of your caliber would be so effusive in your compliments about my posting. I suggest that you find someone else to stalk compliment, if only in your best interests of remaining a productive member of LS. *face palms*
Recommended Posts