Ariadne Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Just cry to him, It's the Hilton, I'm so sorry, please, my mom was sick, she was, she really was, I love you... I wanted to go so bad... but I couldn't, please forgive me... I didn't mean to, I love you hunny, you are the best thing that happened to me... Etc etc etc Well, you guys get along like hell and this relationship is a total disaster, but then again, I know the scarcity of men that there is out there so you just have to do. Ariadne
Legend Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Just cry to him, It's the Hilton, I'm so sorry, please, my mom was sick, she was, she really was, I love you... I wanted to go so bad... but I couldn't, please forgive me... I didn't mean to, I love you hunny, you are the best thing that happened to me... Etc etc etc Well, you guys get along like hell and this relationship is a total disaster, but then again, I know the scarcity of men that there is out there so you just have to do. Ariadne I agree with Ariadne. This is what must be done.
Author Lishy Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Just cry to him, It's the Hilton, I'm so sorry, please, my mom was sick, she was, she really was, I love you... I wanted to go so bad... but I couldn't, please forgive me... I didn't mean to, I love you hunny, you are the best thing that happened to me... Etc etc etc Well, you guys get along like hell and this relationship is a total disaster, but then again, I know the scarcity of men that there is out there so you just have to do. Ariadne :lmao::lmao: I would do that when hell froze over but that was funny babe! Cheered me up a bit lol
Trialbyfire Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Don't be a doormat. I do agree that you should see him in person but come as you mean to go. This should be a relationship based on equality. Bring your issues to the table and discuss them in an adult fashion. Point for point. Give and take. Compromise. If he can't take it and wants to be lord of all he surveys, perhaps he's not the man for you.
polywog Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 He told me he will be stayin at his mums, she lives miles away and I wouldnt turn up at her house un-invited. Am I the only one who feels like he is the one in the wrong? Should it not be he who says sorry and tries to make amends? No, he did something that appears childish, but you really don't know for sure. You are assuming, probably correctly, but who knows, that he cancelled your Christmas plans because he was upset, to punish you. I think we're just encouraging you to take the high road and get the whole story. Nothing ruins holidays (or life for that matter) like nursing a grudge. It's like poison... think about how you're feeling right now! Think about doing it for yourself, of not for the good of the relationship.
Author Lishy Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Ok I see what you are all sating, and I thank you all for taking the time to reply! I can call as his phone is off, I cant see him as he is at his mums, I cant leave a message as he has no answerphone activated. BUT seriously I think it should be HE who instigates an apology - If I let this go will he do this to me every time things dont swing his way? This is the first time in 18 months that I have let him down!
Author Lishy Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 No, he did something that appears childish, but you really don't know for sure. You are assuming, probably correctly, but who knows, that he cancelled your Christmas plans because he was upset, to punish you I know for a FACT that he did it to punish me! He can be childish at times, it is the one thing I would change about him. He can act like a spoilt child and be very stroppy. To be honest I am wondering if I am better off without him!
polywog Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I know for a FACT that he did it to punish me! He can be childish at times, it is the one thing I would change about him. He can act like a spoilt child and be very stroppy. To be honest I am wondering if I am better off without him! Oh... Well, I saw TBF's remark about not being a doormat, and maybe it IS his job to apologize at this point. It just sucks that You have to feel all verklempt over this. He's probably wallowing in self pity and guilt at this point, but he made his stroppy bed and he's got to lay in it.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 While I agree with you and all the other posters, that your mum being ill, and the need to care for your child trumps all - I wonder, does your b/f know you post here? Because before your mum got sick, when he had just not showed up to your shopping date, you had posted that you might just not go to his office party, and you posted this as his next move. I'm just wondering if he saw your post and is thinking that is the truth. I'm not saying it's ok to cancel christmas lunch, I'm just wondering. Bottom line is don't let him ruin your christmas, celebrate with your little one and family and have a wonderful time. You might be wistful that your b/f is not there to share in the joy - but only you can let him ruin your holiday! Otherwise I agree with everyone else -you two need to talk. Now the fact that he is leaving his phone off is further childishness. Overall I wonder how well you two communicate in general. Good luck to you and happy christmas!!!!
Author Lishy Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Curious that was very astute of you, you hit the nail on the head! Talking to him can be like trying to extract blood from a stone. He can be childish and we do not communicate well when he is like this. At other times it is fine. He gets a pig head on and will strop for days on end. I just ignore it and wait for him to call when he does this. The more I think, the more I think I am better off without him. If he can be this mean to me at such a special time, do I need this in my life? And Curious, he does not use the internet at all, so he defianetly does not know I post here.
brothermartin Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 This seems simple to me. You only have one mom, and she needed you. If he can't see that and respect that your family is more important to you than some work party, f**k 'em. You can get another boyfriend, but you can't get another mom.
Author Lishy Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 The problem isnt my mum, the problem is his immaturity. All he had to say was that he was upset I couldnt come and we could have spoken, instead he threw his toys out of the pram and went moody on me. Do I really need a man like this in my life? He has tried to ruin a very special time for me and to be honest I dont think I will ever forgive him!
lindya Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 My problem runs deeper you see, my ex ruined every christmas for me and I guess I do not want to be with another guy who will do the same, christmas is extremely special for me and my favorite time of the year! So you've pin-pointed why this is particularly painful for you. He's done something that has resulted in you mentally associating him with an ex-boyfriend who didn't treat you so well. He probably knows about the ex's habit of spoiling Christmas, does he? If so, from your perspective this would place an extra duty on him not to spoil your Christmas. His perspective might be that this is a different relationship altogether, and the spectre of your ex shouldn't constantly shape his behaviour within the relationship. In reality, I think most reasonable people do take account of the way their partners were treated by exes...and attempt a spot of "healing" here and there. The trouble is that when people get angry enough to resort to pettiness, punishment and games then all those raw spots they normally handle with tenderness become things they vigorously rub salt into. Is that what he's doing here? You think he's punishing you by refusing to spend Christmas with you. His take might be "I'm too angry to have a good time with you on Christmas, so there's no point. I won't fake that I'm in a good mood just to keep you and your parents happy." That's the kind of explanation people often put forward to justify punitive behaviour and make it seem a bit more righteous. "I won't conceal my anger. I won't be a fake." On the other hand, it doesn't alter the fact that it is punitive. It's also tantamount to saying "I can't manage my own rage and negative emotions. I can't be that adult who puts hurts and disappointments to one side, forgive and continue without resentment." He won't, it appears, forgive you for not being able to attend the Christmas work do. You won't forgive him for cancelling Christmas with you and your parents. Both of you probably perceive the other as having crossed an important line. The difference is, of course, that external circumstances dictated your non-attendance at the Christmas function...whereas the only thing that seems to be preventing him from spending Christmas with you is his own anger. However, you've now trumped that with "well, you're too angry to spend Christmas with me. I'm too angry to continue having a relationship with you." I think you're right to reject the suggestion of running after him and grovelling to him with lots of "I'm so sorry huneeee" conciliatory messages. That kind of behaviour should be restricted to bedroom role play. If you use it in the kind of real life conflict that's best handled like an adult, it's only going to reward the other person for indulging in punitive or passive aggressive behaviour towards you. You'll set a pattern for that kind of crap to continue throughout the relationship. Three things: 1. Resolve to have a pleasant Christmas with or without him. If it's not the romantic Christmas you planned for then that's a shame....but it seriously isn't the end of the world. There will be other Christmases. Maybe with him, maybe with someone else. 2. If he does call up and says "I'm sorry, I acted in anger and I'd still like to spend Christmas with you", respond with a very brief but warm and positive response. You could explain that you really weren't able to make the Christmas Do, and that you're sorry he felt let down....but don't get bogged down with it, or use the opportunity to play "you hurt me and now I'm going to hurt you back" games. Life's way too short for that. 3. Good luck, and I hope it all works out.
Author Lishy Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 Hi Lind! Long time hon, I hope all is well with you!! I agree with all you have said babe, this is not, however, the first time he has acted like this and I really feel the end has come. His childishness and stubborness is tiresome and boring now. I cannot remain with a man with whome I have to walk on eggshells with and worry about how he may react to things that are out of my control. He knows he is in the wrong and it should be he who is ringing up saying how sorry he is. I have a diamond ring here that he bought me for christmas and I am going to give it back to him. I dont want it! I dont think I want him and his bullcrap in my life anymore! Thank you for your long and very thought out response Lind! xx
lindya Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Hi Lind! Long time hon, I hope all is well with you!! Not so bad thanks! How are you (other than feeling let down by your unromantic Mr Scrooge of course)? I agree with all you have said babe, this is not, however, the first time he has acted like this and I really feel the end has come. His childishness and stubborness is tiresome and boring now. I cannot remain with a man with whome I have to walk on eggshells with and worry about how he may react to things that are out of my control. Ah...so it's not a one off bit of behaviour from him. I sympathise. it's just a nightmare that these things always seem to come to a head at Christmas. It seems that this time of year elicits so much in the way of expectations/inability to meet expectations. I have a diamond ring here that he bought me for christmas and I am going to give it back to him. I dont want it! I dont think I want him and his bullcrap in my life anymore! You could always donate it to a charitable organisation if you still feel this way into the new year. Thank you for your long and very thought out response Lind! xx I'm as wordy as ever...
compassion42 Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Lishy, It sounds like this incident is just one of many that have left you feeling unhappy. I think that you're totally right in wanting an apology from him and thinking that his actions are immature. Do you love this guy? Were you planning marriage(the diamond ring sounds like you are)? If so, I do believe some solid communication is in order. If I were you, I'd avoid the threats of ending it unless you really feel like doing that.
Author Lishy Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 Lishy, It sounds like this incident is just one of many that have left you feeling unhappy. I think that you're totally right in wanting an apology from him and thinking that his actions are immature. Do you love this guy? Were you planning marriage(the diamond ring sounds like you are)? If so, I do believe some solid communication is in order. If I were you, I'd avoid the threats of ending it unless you really feel like doing that. It was not an engagement ring hon it was a beautiful cluster of diamonds going aorund a band - It was lovely! But now I just dont want it! I feel more let down than I can put into words!
Kamille Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 I'm sorry this escalated so much and I think you are doing right by trying to gain perspective on this. Do we know for sure that he cancelled your Christmas plans because you couldn't attend his work-do? I have to agree with everyone here who says it might be healthier to see past anger and try to see, once he gets back, if there is a way to communicate about this. I say this because your comment about the ring makes me wonder to what extent you might also be caught in a game of tit for tat. What would giving him back the ring acheive other then to try to make him hurt the way you are currently hurting?
jerbear Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Lishy, I am sorry to hear of the issues and they would be resolved to both people's likeing. I think you two need to take a deep breath and have a calm conversation. Both of you are doing things that seem to disconnect and going down fast. He might see the sitter as an major issue that you don't like him and he got retailiated by canceling christmas. You see his cancelling christmas as hurtful and you are upset. I think both of you are just PO'ed, stressed, let down, and intensifying the emotions without being in front of each other. The mind does funny things and can self perpetuate experiences. Returning the ring, donating the ring, are both possibilities but I would hold on to it and have that conversation before executing the plan. I think you two have a break down in communcation and need to rectify that first. It is quite possible both of you have a misunderstanding.
princessme29 Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Lishy, He is not worth your love and concern if he is willing to cancel on an important day such as this. A work party in NO WAY compares to Christmas day! If he really cared about your feelings then he wouldn't do this to you. My boyfriend did a similar thing. We had planned for him to come be with my family on Christmas Eve and he could be with his on Christmas day. He tried to avoid talking about his specific arrangements (time of arrival & such) until I finally asked him on December 23rd "What SPECIFIC time will you be at my house tomorrow?" HE SAID HE HADN'T MADE THE PLANS YET! So I'm thinking WTF! We had made the plans to be together, on Christmas Eve, right after Thanksgiving! So Christmas Eve came, and he was a NO SHOW. He waited until 6:30 that evening to call(sounding guilty) and said he was still out shopping for his children with his mother! (My family had arrived at my house at 3:00 that afternoon!). So I'm thinking... OH so you just want to be an *******... So I texted him on Christmas morning to "Make arrangements to get your things from my house" FOR GOOD. LISHY, don't put up with an inconsiderate man. He may care, but he doesn't care ENOUGH.
roxy_1980 Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 From the sounds of it, you may be putting way too much for one day. You said that your ex "ruined" every one of your christmases. And now that the new guy doesn't want to come he's "ruined" this one too? Did these guys ever light the tree on fire? Burn the turkey? Blow up the gifts? Disrupt Midnight mass so much that people are still talking about in March? No? Well, then it's not ruined. It's not as expected, but will be nice nonetheless, unless you sit there sulking like a little child. Only you can ruin Christmas for you. Take it from someone who is 1000 miles from loved ones today: You are still sharing a wonderful day with your family. Focus on that.
Ariadne Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 I feel more let down than I can put into words! Hey Lishy, What happened? Did he make it after all? Ariadne
Author Lishy Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Hi guys, He has not called and to be honest, at this moment I am relieved and I hope he never calls me again. He didnt ruin my christmas I had a fab time with my family - We went to the Hilton for christmas Lunch and spent the rest of the evening lounging on my sofa's eating chocolate and watching the chistmas soaps and comedies! It was lovely! I gave myself the £150 phone and the bedding I got for him and I was very pleased with it! He can go to hell, his loss!!
Art_Critic Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 He can go to hell, his loss!! I hope you keep this attitude when he does call I'm glad you had a great time Lishy.. he isn't worth it...
Author Lishy Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 Awwwwwww ty Art!! When is baby Art here? I hope I feel that way too Art, I have a feeling I will!
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