Strangelove34 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Hello everyone, I'd like some impartial advice. My wife and I are in our 30s, and pretty happy. She has a very close guy friend who she has admitted has feelings for her, but says she has it in hand, doesn't fancy him and wouldn't encourage him. However, I've been told a few slightly worrying little things by someone who's seen them in my absence. They include her teasing him so he'll chase her and sometimes play fight a bit, ruffling his hair, rubbing/tickling his neck/shoulders, lingering eye contact, touching his shoulders/back when walking past where he's sitting, inviting completments, sitting very close, resting her head on his shoulder, and "apparently" letting him give her a foot massage. I know these things are very minor and a lot of "friends" would do them, and maybe I'm just too jealous, but does anyone else think it's not the best way to discourage someone or even act with someone you find unattractive?
Curmudgeon Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I know these things are very minor and a lot of "friends" would do them, and maybe I'm just too jealous, but does anyone else think it's not the best way to discourage someone or even act with someone you find unattractive? These are NOT very minor instances of inappropriate behavior. They're major and obviously flagrant if others notice them. They're clear, public signs that they consider themselves a couple and that far surpasses the realm of just friendship. Clearly she does fancy him, find him attractive and encourages him. I fear you're being played for a fool and cuckholded. ...but says she has it in hand... That would be my concern!
polywog Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Considering that she admitted her attraction to him, what she's doing is Not Acceptable, IMO. Maybe she doesn't realize it. Ask her (not in a confrontational/accusing way, but in a "put yourself in my shoes" way) how she'd feel if the roles were reversed, and you were doing these things with someone. That should paint the picture for her, and hopefully she'll stop, out of respect for you and the marriage.
bestadvisor Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Have you consider the possibility that: 1) She's lying to you. Meaning she is attracted to him and fancy him, evidence by her interaction with him. 2) That they are sleeping together already behind your back. Those things they do to each other can easily lead to kiss and then more. Keep your eyes and ears open. That someone won't start rumors and have the courage to tell you unless he/she really see something that's way crossing the line. When people are sleeping together, they often cross that friendship line when they interact with each other even outside the bed.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Extremely INAPPROPRIATE behavior. In Pulp Fiction, a man got KILLED for giving another man's wife a 'foot massage.' LOL, extreme yes..but that's the first thing I though of when I read about the foot massage. It's a very slippery slope your wife is on right now. It's CLEARLY an emotional affair that's fast making it's way to a physical one (if that hasn't already happened, and I have my doubts on that one as well). I hate to tell you, but my male friends do NOT give me foot massages. Nor do I sit next to them and lean my head on their shoulder. Nor do I 'play fight' with them. And I certainly don't claim to have 'feelings' for them. BestAdvisor hit it on the nose. If they're not already sleeping together (and I have my doubts) then they're clearly on their way. Don't be deluded into thinking it's your imagination.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I would say that they are heavily flirting. The part that your wife is going through is my favorite part of the relationship. The sexual tension phase. The kidding around, the smiles and the anticipation of seeing the person. My question to you: Do you do those things to your wife? If yes, then talk to her. If no, then talk to yourself and find out why. It's your call on what to do.
Author Strangelove34 Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Thanks for the answers so far guys/guys. I guess you're rather confirming what concerned me; it does seem to sound very much like flirting and as if she likes him too. However, that's a big accusation/confrontation to make, especially as I would have to use quote hand evidence; so does anybody think there's a possible innocent/platonic explantion? Ladies, are there circumstances under which you'd do those things with a friend you didn't find atractive and/or wanted to discourage? Thanks again.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I had a very flirtatious co-worker, whom at first I was not attracted to. But because he persisted and gave me an enormous amount of attention, I became mentally attached to him. So, yes, it can happen - it just may be a matter of when.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Thanks for the answers so far guys/guys. I guess you're rather confirming what concerned me; it does seem to sound very much like flirting and as if she likes him too. However, that's a big accusation/confrontation to make, especially as I would have to use quote hand evidence; so does anybody think there's a possible innocent/platonic explantion? Ladies, are there circumstances under which you'd do those things with a friend you didn't find atractive and/or wanted to discourage? Thanks again. In order to keep your wife... you cant be afraid to lose her. She is chasing a feeling that this other guy is giving her. It will progress to something more physical later, if not already. Plus she lies to you about her attraction. Tell her you want her to stop! Tell her that you feel her friendship is now inappropriate and disrespectful to you and your marriage! Request immediate no contact with this guy. Listen... she needs to act like an adult. You need to call her out on this! Do this now... or suffer the consequences!
polywog Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Thanks for the answers so far guys/guys. I guess you're rather confirming what concerned me; it does seem to sound very much like flirting and as if she likes him too. However, that's a big accusation/confrontation to make, especially as I would have to use quote hand evidence; so does anybody think there's a possible innocent/platonic explantion? Ladies, are there circumstances under which you'd do those things with a friend you didn't find atractive and/or wanted to discourage? Thanks again. I think the issue is that it's hurting you that this is happening, and she needs to respect that. Your marriage is more important than her having the "right" to have this level of flirtation with a man. Like I said before, I'm doubtful she'd like it if you were doing that with a woman. And I Do think that it could lead to something more, even an emotional affair if not a physical one when people are tickling each other and whatnot. Your gut is telling you something. You don't need to phrase it in a way that's accusatory. Just say that it makes you uncomfortable, and ask her if she wouldn't feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot. Chances are, she isn't even aware of how it's making you feel, and would stop if she saw how she's hurting you.
Ronni_W Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Ladies, are there circumstances under which you'd do those things with a friend you didn't find atractive and/or wanted to discourage? In one word: NO!!! That type of behaviour is definitely and only designed to encourage further attention (regardless of gender.) I agree with Polywog -- her lack of consideration and respect for your discomfort is key. If you're on a team, there is an obligation to take into account team goals even though it can be argued that you have the "right" to not set-up the plays or pass the ball or whatever...the fact that, as an adult, she has the "right" to do whatever she wants including behave in ways detrimental to your relationship does not mean that she HAS to follow through on it, and certainly does not mean you have to be okay with it.
Florida Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I am so sorry to tell you this-but this is really bad that your wife is engaging actively in the stages of courting/flirting and telling you to not worry. You asked: However, that's a big accusation/confrontation to make, especially as I would have to use quote hand evidence; so does anybody think there's a possible innocent/platonic explantion? Ladies, are there circumstances under which you'd do those things with a friend you didn't find atractive and/or wanted to discourage? NO! And HELL NO! I've never allowed my guy friends to behave like that with me, and i certainly don't tickle their necks or get foot massages. When women act like that-it is with intent. And that the people you asked actually noticed it too-bad news. Sorry it is your wife engaging in this-it would be easier for you if it was just the guy acting like that and she was not actively returning it. She's not that innocent, she knows what she is doing. You really have to step in forcefully-'cuz I can guess where this is going real fast. I don't know if I agree with the others that a physical affair has happened, although it is possible.
Author Strangelove34 Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 Well I've broached the subject and after some moaning about spying and paranoia she assured me there's nothing in it. She says he's a very special friend to her, who really likes/needs to feel attention/appreciated and that's all she's doing. She has told him she won't be unfaithful and they can only be friends and is not intentionally encouraging him. So should I accept that and let it go? On the one hand she seemed sincere and I do trust her, but on the other hand am still niggled by her idea of not encouraging him. The alternative is a request/demand that she stops being involved with him, which I fear will not go down well.
Tripper Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Well I've broached the subject and after some moaning about spying and paranoia she assured me there's nothing in it. She says he's a very special friend to her, who really likes/needs to feel attention/appreciated and that's all she's doing. She has told him she won't be unfaithful and they can only be friends and is not intentionally encouraging him. So should I accept that and let it go? On the one hand she seemed sincere and I do trust her, but on the other hand am still niggled by her idea of not encouraging him. The alternative is a request/demand that she stops being involved with him, which I fear will not go down well. Hello SL, I've been following this thread and I gotta agree with what's been posted. Your wife's behaviour is totally inappropriate and detrimental to your marriage. As to whether or not she's slept with this guy?? I dunno.. If it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck... Special friend?? WTF?? What's so special about him?? Jeez.. you're supposed to be the special guy in her life. And he likes/needs to feel attention/appreciated?? How old is this guy?? Does he need a wet nurse or a mother?? This is not your wife's role!! Trust is at the core of this issue. You may trust her, but that's because she's earned your trust. Now she's risking this or you wouldn't be having niggling doubts. Bottom line is she's married to you and that relationship should be her primary concern. If I were in your position I would tell her that it's unacceptable to be involved with him. If it doesn't go down well, too bad. Ask her how she would feel if the role was reversed.
Ronni_W Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 She says he's a very special friend to her, who really likes/needs to feel attention/appreciated and ... is not intentionally encouraging him. So should I accept that and let it go? I'm not getting why she's feeling the need to fulfill this guy's need for attention and appreciation -- she's not his mom, and especially she's not his girlfriend! That's just a BS cop-out, if you ask me. And even if she's "not intentionally" encouraging him (which she must be unimaginably naive if she actually believes that), her intention in this situation makes no difference to the price of eggs in China. She's not showing that she gives one care about YOUR feelings...yet she's over-invested in meeting the other guy's needs(???) As long as it is an issue for you, then I'm not sure the best thing is to just (try to) "let it go". For me, you'd be implicitly giving an 'okay' for her to continue behaving like a self-centred, pre-adolescent. You are being reasonable in your wants and expectations, and she simply is not. She needs to understand that what she is doing is not only causing you extreme discomfort but will sooner than later negatively impact your entire relationship. Good luck - really hope she comes to her senses about this.
Author Strangelove34 Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 Ronni (et al), I've been trying to step back and think about this. I agree with you that she would have to be very naive not to realise these actions could/would be seen as encouraging, even if she's told him they can only be friends. Well, she isn't naive or stupid, which begs the question, if she really cares about him and doesn't want to hurt him then why do anything that could be seen as mixed messages or false hope? I also can't help thinking that most women really don't like to touch/be touched in affectionate ways by men they find unattractive, all of which suggests she's not being totally honest with me (maybe not even with him) and is in some way getting something she likes from it, and not just doing it to keep a friend happy. I'm pretty close now to doing as you suggest and talking to her again, saying I'm really uncomfortable and would like her to be much less involved with him, certainly physically, and preferably altogether. Do you all think those conclusions are fair and reasonable?
Ronni_W Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 SL, I really wouldn't say that this man is "unattractive" to her - perhaps she isn't seeing him in a "romantic way" but the flirtatious and suggestive behaviour that you described in your OP...those are definitely, er, "strong platonic attraction" vibes that she's sending out. I don't think she is intentionally trying to mislead you, either. It's quite possible that she really does believe that deep-down she has things under control and the guy will just back off when she asks him to. Of course you are being MORE THAN fair and reasonable! I'd strongly suggest that you let her know about your uncomfortable feelings. It is not that you don't trust her but that you DO NOT LIKE what she's doing. (If she tries to make it into a lack of trust on your side, that's just her trying to find a way to take the focus off her poor choices about this. For myself, I'd also still have trust at this point...but if my partner ignored my specific concerns, then OF COURSE he'd have to expect that I'd soon be starting to question his trustworthiness - that would be a consequence of HIS actions. Gggrrrr! ) I also might be asking for a compromise -- "If you can't keep your hands off him AND make sure his hands stay off you, then please keep it to the occasional telecon or email" -- but this really depends on your gut instinct, how long it's been going on, and what it is you would feel most comfortable with. Best of luck - may peace reign supreme this Christmas
SoleMate Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Ladies, are there circumstances under which you'd do those things with a friend you didn't find attractive and/or wanted to discourage? No. Wellllll....maybe. If he were terminally ill and at death's door, and he begged piteously for such caresses, I might possibly be tempted to give a few innocently, because I have a soft heart. And I'd gladly tell my partner all about it, conscious that I had done nothing wrong. Otherwise no, though.
Lizzie60 Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Thanks for the answers so far guys/guys. I guess you're rather confirming what concerned me; it does seem to sound very much like flirting and as if she likes him too. However, that's a big accusation/confrontation to make, especially as I would have to use quote hand evidence; so does anybody think there's a possible innocent/platonic explantion? Ladies, are there circumstances under which you'd do those things with a friend you didn't find atractive and/or wanted to discourage? Thanks again. yes definitely... I have platonic male friends that I wouldn't have sex with... and I wouldn't mind if they gave me foot massage... I don't see anything wrong... It's hard to say.. we haven't seen them...but it could be possible that there is MORE than just a platonic friendship... but it could well be just 'platonic'... if you worry about it.. talk to her... keep your eyes and ears opened... What I find weird is that they do that when you're not around... If my 'platonic' friends would give me foot massage I would have no problem doing it in front of my bf... Ask yourself why she's not doing that in front of you...
Author Strangelove34 Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 yes definitely... I have platonic male friends that I wouldn't have sex with... and I wouldn't mind if they gave me foot massage... I don't see anything wrong... Normally, no; but would it make any difference if you knew the "friend" fancied you and would likely be seeing/enjoying that physical contact in a sexual way? Merry Christmas everyone, by the way
Tripper Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 but would it make any difference if you knew the "friend" fancied you and would likely be seeing/enjoying that physical contact in a sexual way? SL, it doesn't matter what your wife or anyone else thinks. You are uncomfortable with her actions. If she really loves you and cares for you, your peace of mind over this issue would be paramount.
dunstable Posted December 25, 2007 Posted December 25, 2007 Totally inappropriate behavior. If her heart is in the right place, she will want to break off all contact with this man right away to protect her relationship with you.
Nguy16 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I am sorry to be late to this thread. What you described (or anything close to it) is not acceptable. You are not being too jealous - she is crossing boundaries inappropriate for someone in a relationship (I don't even care if he was gay). The book "just friends" does a good job or describing boundaries and when they are crossed. The litmus (sp?) test is "I know these things are very minor and a lot of "friends" would do them" Are any of these things you would let a guy friend do to or with you? NO? Then it is a guy/girl thing that that is completely wrong. You are on a quick and slippery slope to them having an affair if not already. Her downplaying it as just friendly behavior is her justification which allows her to continue to have her fun on the side. Nothing more.
MrsHellnoFire Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 (edited) She has told him she won't be unfaithful and they can only be friends and is not intentionally encouraging him. And this is a major indicator that he has already tried to PHYSICALLY/sexually come onto her! Why would she want to continue puting herself in the ring of fire? Eventually, if not already, she will succumb to the temptation. As for "appreciation" and fulfilling his "needs".. omg.. I bet she appreciates his penis too and strokes it for him when he "needs" it. With all of the physical gestures on her part, I really don't have much doubt that something further has indeed happened. As for not cheating.. well, she already did. What she has does at least to your KNOWLEDGE is already considered cheating. Rubbing a man's shoulders and letting him rub her back?? Ridiculous. Edited December 30, 2007 by MrsHellnoFire
PerfectLee Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 SL, it doesn't matter what your wife or anyone else thinks. You are uncomfortable with her actions. If she really loves you and cares for you, your peace of mind over this issue would be paramount. I second this. If you're uncomfortable and there's no reassurance or consideration coming from her, what are you supposed to do? Just get used to it?
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