pandnh4 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 hello ppl... it's been a while since i've posted here but glad this site is still around... cause i've got some stuff on my mind and need some advice... =) about a week and half ago i went out for drinks with a couple of work mates and met a very attractive and charming woman... i started chatting with her at the bar and although she was with a friend, i eventually got asked to their table and my mates kept her friend busy while we flirted... during our discussion i casually inquire about whether she has a boyfriend and she says no... perfect, plus she's def into me... her friend finally left and we went for a couple more rounds at another spot, made out a bit, and then she asked me to be a gentleman and take her home... on the way there she asks me in for coffee... well we make out some more then crawl into bed where things get interesting but suddenly she gets nervous, saying that it's out of character for her and we end up slowing down considerably... no problem, maybe next time... we leave together the next morning since we both work in town... not knowing i'd be spending the night with her, i had played it cool and given her my number at the bar... i kept getting mixed signals from her that morning and didn't know if she'd call but later that day she sends me a text... we start exchanging msgs, then we talk later that night and make plans to get together the next day... we end up going for a walk, dinner, and drinks... discussions get interesting, she starts asking me things about relationships, and i keep playing it cool... we go back to her place and spend the night together again but things still remain calm physically... that next morning in bed she admits that she's close with her ex who tried calling and things are on and off with him, although she emphasizes they're more off lately... doesn't phaze me, it's still early and i'm waiting to see where things go... we see each other a couple of days later, go shopping, ice skating, then stop by her dad's place for a few minutes so she can pick up some things... spend the night with her again and during the night she opens up and tells me she tends to wait a bit about sex but she gets very suggestive... long story short, we've seen a lot of each other in the past week and half and i felt like she was getting more and more into me and we were approaching that point of either having sex or discussing exclusivity... unfortunately just yesterday she calls me during her break at work and asks me to me meet for a chat... i knew something was up that morning before i dropped her off but just waited it out... when we meet she tells me that she's not over her ex who lives up north... she had been with him for 2 years when she went up north to uni but they split up when she moved to la for a few months... she said she dated other ppl while away but only to keep her mind busy and things never went anywhere... when she returned home they never got back together because of the distance with him still up north and her back at home... i asked why she didn't tell me sooner and she said she thought things were going well between us... then she started telling me that she might move again and doesn't know how things would work out for us at which point i tell her that we weren't even a couple yet but she says she was just thinking ahead... when i ask her what this means for ex she says she has not idea, maybe he might move down but things are uncertain... i ask her if giving things more time to develop between us might help but she's not sure... i'm a bit bummed by this... while i honestly didn't know yet if she was long-term relationship material for me, i was riding some very positive momentum with this girl, especially in anticipation of sleeping with her since she kept getting more and more suggestive... she says she had a great time with me and still wants to be friends (of course, lol) but not sure where to go with this since i'm still very attracted to her... any ideas on whether or not to pursue? also, any thoughts and strategy on how to pursue? tips to convince her to give things more time, find closure with her ex, get physical to help her get over things... cheers
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 pandnh4, Sounds likes your being the rebound guy in all this. She is confused with her current relationship and feelings for her ex. She needs to stop giving other guys faulse hopes if she is unable to get over her ex right now. I suggest you move on from this girl as you want more than she wants.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 What's your motive? To get laid or to develop a relationship? What type of material did you see her in? These answers will give you insight as to follow forward or not. Let us know and we can further assist.
Author pandnh4 Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 to be perfectly honest i'm not exactly sure what i was after... at first i thought she was very sweet and wanted to see where things went even though nothing happened that first night she took me home... i did start to see things in her though that suggested she might not be a good partner for me... lack of honesty initially, very quick to change her mind and cancel plans, easily intoxicated and loss of inhibitions, traits of superficiality and high maintenance... now, with that said, i still wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and see how things developed... as we became more physically involved, i have to admit the thought of getting laid did start to cloud my head, especially since she kept revealing more details about herself (kinks, turn-ons, etc)... just being honest here, i didn't know if things would last but i wanted to wait and see until we had sex or brought up the discussion of being in a relationship... she came back to my place with me on friday night with the intention of cooking but was tired and got lazy so we ordered in... she said she's come and cook the next night but then after i dropped her off at work the following morning she wanted to have the talk... after we spoke yesterday she said she still wanted to come by today but then she calls me a bit earlier and says she's going to have to cancel cause she already has other plans... i'm afraid she's just not that into me any more but wondering how her feelings changed so quickly... less than a week ago she was texting me all the time and even getting very clingy, talking me into going to see her one night when we already had plans for the following evening... she even introduced me to her friends and father... strange, moved very quickly, and i guess i don't understand why things changed... she did mention that she spoke with her ex about us a few days ago so maybe he said something that won her over, i don't know... i'm curious what i should do in either situation... whether i can play this out and court her, win her over, or see if we're sexually compatible before proposing a relationship which i think is important... advice?
serial muse Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 She sounds torn...I think she probably knew that it was getting to the point where you guys were either going to have sex or the tension would be too difficult and get in the way. But since she hasn't made up her mind about him yet, she didn't want to "cement" your budding relationship by sleeping together. So she ended it. Would you be willing to casually date her without the prospect of sex? If that pressure weren't there she might be willing to go on...but in truth I'm not sure why you'd want to hang around, because it could be a while (if ever) before she'd be ready to be with you. At least she's telling you straight-up that she's not over her ex - believe her.
Racquel Colette Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 You are getting too anxious and expectant about the sex aspect. GET TO KNOW HER FIRST. LET HER GET TO KNOW YOU. DEVELOP A RELATIONSHIP FIRST. Stop hoping for sex when you see her, it is on the be-all end-all. If it is meant to be, it will happen. She is not rejecting you simply because she didn't sleep with you on the first, second, third, or fourth date. I personally try to wait a couple months. It is much better and more committed that way.
Author pandnh4 Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 she was getting very suggestive over time... while she did make it clear that she tends to make guys wait a bit, each night she hinted that it was going to happen... on several occasions though she definitely seemed uncomfortable and asked me to stop and slow things down... maybe that was part of the tease and chase though, fair game... at first i didn't really believe the whole story of her not being over her ex but then again, it's in my ego's best interest to accept it... plus you're all probably right and i definitely appreciate the female point of vue... having thought about it more this afternoon, i've come to realize that a big part of this for me wasn't only the anticipation of sleeping together but also the chase... i've been single for a while and have come to realize that the longer you're alone, the more you're willing to lower your standards, both in terms of what you want and how much you're willing to put up with... in this case having an *object* of desire and fixation really made me infatuated even though my gut feeling is that she's not right for me... still though, i'm wondering if there's a way to come in and charm the hell out of her, sex or not, for the sake of seeing where things go...
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 You only want to do this because it's part of the chase. You want to be the one in the driver's seat and it's driving you a little nutty not being in charge. If she was all over you and told you she really liked you, laid all her cards on the table and then gave into the sex.... you'd be bored and move on.
Author pandnh4 Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 i appreciate your point of view and you do make a fair point... however, i don't think i'd be so quick to move on if things did go my way... she is a charming young lady and i'm not the type, historically, to just bed someone and run... like i said, i'm not willing to commit to anything without seeing what kind of compatibility we have but i'd be interested in seeing where things go... if that were possible... do you have any advice on that basis?
Racquel Colette Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I do agree with D-Lish's theory, however it is very rude to set up plans and then change them and cancel all the time. Also, it was very rude to set up cooking for him twice and then change the plans twice. It seems like she was trying to make herself out to be this caring, wonderful cook in the kitchen and then had some excuse when it came time to show it.
Legend Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 You only want to do this because it's part of the chase. You want to be the one in the driver's seat and it's driving you a little nutty not being in charge. If she was all over you and told you she really liked you, laid all her cards on the table and then gave into the sex.... you'd be bored and move on. Again gotta disagree D-lish. I, like the poster, wouldn't be so eager to move on if she laid all the cards on the table, and was honest. I hate games, but most of all, I hate the stupid chase that women think we like. If anything, it's a huge turn off. Sure they shouldn't give in and come off as a slut, but there's a difference in acting like a slut, and coming off as they aren't interested.
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Again gotta disagree D-lish. I, like the poster, wouldn't be so eager to move on if she laid all the cards on the table, and was honest. I hate games, but most of all, I hate the stupid chase that women think we like. If anything, it's a huge turn off. Sure they shouldn't give in and come off as a slut, but there's a difference in acting like a slut, and coming off as they aren't interested. Yes, I am not surprised you disagree. All the disagreeing you do with me actually gives me some hope that not all men are in the chase/conquer/challenge headspace. The reason I brought up the notion that his interested might be heightened because she is pulling away is to 1) address human nature (we often want what we think we cannot have) 2) he himself has stated he may just want to pursue a sexual angle, and is questioning some of the red flags. Sometimes if you recognize that you want something, simply because you feel yu can't have it- it puts things into a better perspective and allows you to think with a clearer head. I myself have been in the rebound situation before- caught between an ex and a current. From a woman's perspective- that's a difficult place to be, and it's a dangerous place for a new suiter to be if he really likes the woman. If he does like her- he should remain cautious with his feelings. When someone has someone else on the brain- it's difficult to penetrate that bubble.
Author pandnh4 Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 would you recommend i try sending her flowers or something cheesy to say i miss her? i mentioned to her last week that i gotten her a gift for xmas... after she canceled on coming by yesterday i texted her later on and told her i'd still like to meet up to give her the gift... she proposed today after work but i told her i was busy and it would then have to be after xmas... i texted her this morning to say i miss her but no response... she's either trying to ignore me or moved on... can i still get back into her head? although she's got the other guy on her mind, is there anything i can do to keep perking her interest and draw her back?
D-Lish Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 You really do have to leave it alone for now. the ball is in her court. Any continued reaching out on your part may come off as desperate.... and that's not how you want her to think of you. Step back- don't pressure, and wait for her to come to you. She obviously needs time to figure out her feelings for this other guy.
Author pandnh4 Posted December 25, 2007 Author Posted December 25, 2007 well she called me again yesterday night wanting to know how my day went and what i had done since i wasn't available to meet her... i played it cool and told her i went out with a friend for dinner and drinks... it also seems like she's become very curious about my situation with other ppl... when we had our talk on saturday i told her that i was disappointed with her decision but not phased since i didn't consider us a couple yet... i had said that i found nothing wrong talking with several ppl until you decide you want to be exclusive with one... she went out last night and called me again when she got back... she seemed very strange at times, probably loaded up on a few drinks, alternating between flirting and taking subtle, innocent stabs at me... things like trying to justify her decision to not get involved with me, saying that although she wants to move to nyc where i'm from, she doesn't want to date an american, etc... she did also say at one point that she feels like she should be single and doesn't really want to get involved in a relationship now... she also mentioned that what got her worried was how fast things moved and how quickly she got comfortable with me, that we did everything backwards... i asked her again if slowing things down and seeing where they went might suit her better but she seemed apprehensive... she mentioned that she didn't think i could handle her and started asking about one of my ex's who i had told her not long ago was high maintenance... she said she thought i'd still love her cooking and wants to come over on thursday and cook for me (yes, once again)... i told her i'm sure i would if she didn't flake on me again... seems like i'm still in her thoughts and the casual flirting is working but i'm not quite there yet... need to figure out how else to play this and keep perking her interest...
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