pulsera Posted June 8, 2003 Posted June 8, 2003 Hi! Hope you can find any logic on this! I met a guy 3 weeks ago. After the second date we were kissing and after it happened he said that things were going too fast for him (I told him I loved him). One day later he invites me for lunch, same scene again only this time I didn't say I loved him. On the next day he invited me to the cinema and at the end of the date I ended up spending the night at his place (no sex!). On the next morning he said I was his girlfriend, he gave me a huge stuffed bunny for a present, and on the next day he left for vacations. He said he would call me from Spain (where he left to), but he NEVER did! I took his attitude as a clear "don't want to see you anymore" response, and saw everything as lost. Suddenly he apperead (10 days later) leaving a message on my mobile, which I didn't reply. So he calls me up the next day totally serious, saying that he was worried wondering why I hadn't replied to his message. I made up an excuse and then he asked me out for friday. On friday night, past 9 pm, there was still no call from him, so I decided to phone him up and ask if we still were going to go out ?...otherwise I would make other plans! He said he was going to call me later, but I complained not only because of this, but also because he had promised to call from Spain and he never did. I argued that he was getting me confused: one day treating me as his girlfriend and the next so distant/ cold. He said he was sorry and admitted his fault. We didn't go out on that night, but on the next day. We spent the whole day together, he told me about his fears, insecurities, etc... He opened his heart to me. He also assured me that nothing about his feelings to me had changed while he was away in Spain, and that I was still his girlfriend. At night we ended up at his place and had sex. After that he said that he felt things were going too quick (it was the 5th time we saw each other) and that having had sex so soon had been a mistake. On the following morning he said that he couldn't commit to me because he didn't want me to depend on him; and that he didn't want to take the responsibility for my emotions. He said he was clueless in life and that he didn't know what he wanted or expected from me, a relationship in general; or even from his own self. He said he felt lost and without direction in life. I said I would love to help him find that out and that I was only asking for a chance in order to do that. But he said that I would only try to influence him to see the things the way I did.... At the end of that "small talk", he said he would call me at night so that we could meet. But it's 11:15 pm allready, and he still hasn't called...?! Did I asfixiate him with my compliants for attention? Was it wrong to have sex so soon ? What have I done wrong ?
Just A Girl2 Posted June 8, 2003 Posted June 8, 2003 First of all, your first mistake was telling the poor guy, on the SECOND DATE that you "loved him." After this totally premature proclamation of yours, it's no wonder he didn't head for the hills and stay there. Sorry chica, but that's insane. It's no wonder you ever saw him again after that. What would make you think you loved someone after only 2 dates? I can't even imagine how anyone could *THINK* they were in love with someone after such a short period of time. Are you just really young or something? What age? Secondly, you should have cut the poor guy some slack while he was down on VACATION IN SPAIN and failed to contact you while there sooner than 10 days. The poor guy was on vacation, across the world, in another country, doing what people on vacation do: relax, sight-see, relax, shop, go places where there might not be phone service/messaging service, etc. Good God, after having only known him at that point for 3 weeks, he didn't owe you anything other than maybe to call you once he got back home. From what you've written, it sounds like you've been really intense with him........already on his case about calling you, freaking him out with the "i love you" stuff, geez......I hate to say it but any normal guy would react the way he's reacted.......distancing himself and letting you know he's no longer interested. You sound very smothering, insecure and to some degree, controlling (the phone call thing). No offense, but if I were him, and I had someone proclaiming they loved me on the second date, and ragging on me after barely 3 weeks of dating about me calling them, I'd be thinkin' they need some serious professional help.
Just A Girl2 Posted June 9, 2003 Posted June 9, 2003 Why on earth are you calling him cruel? He's not cruel, if anything he's been a pretty nice guy considering you were WAYYYYYY out of line by telling him you loved him on the *second date* (good grief!), and considering you've been hovering over him and watching his every move and wigging out on him because you felt he owed you phone calls when in fact after only casually dating him for 3 weeks he OWED YOU NOTHING. No guy in his right might would stay with a woman who professes her love on Date 2........you obviously don't really understand what love is (must be mixing it up w/ infatuation or lust). He's not cruel at all, he's been very kind.
Author pulsera Posted June 10, 2003 Author Posted June 10, 2003 Or was it supposed to happen anyway...?! The story: I met a guy by accident at the post office. He gave me his phone number in case I'd liked to date him. I called 3 days later, we went out 5 times in total. On our second time out we kissed; after the 4th date we were a couple, (he called me his girlfriend); after the 5th date we had sex. Everything went way too fast, I agree. But it all felt like the right moment when it was happening... Suddenly he freaks out, he says everything was a mistake: it all happened too fast! He says he is fed up about being the nice guy and at the end getting dumped by his girlfriends, because so far, all of them have ran away from him. He says he changed, and now he doesn't want any kind of commitment (just enjoy the moment) and that my demands for love are making him feel asfixiated. I asked him if the night we had sex was just that: sex?! He said: no, but I'm a man... I enjoyed it. The Question: It's been 2 days since the last time we saw each other (and the sex). He said he would call me, but so far nothing has happened...?! IS HE PLAYING WITH ME ...??? Or is he just scared...? Should I give him time, or dump him instead...? I feel so clueless, did I drive him away with my demands for love and attention ?!
Tony T Posted June 10, 2003 Posted June 10, 2003 You are quite correct. Things went way way too fast. If you didn't learn this lesson before, I hope you learned it this time. Either your guy is trying to slow things down....or he considered that after he had sex with you he had made his conquest and has not moved on to the next. Whichever, I wouldn't obsess with this. Just keep your experience in mind. If you meet somebody you think may make a long termer, hold out for the sexual experience. If you're just in the mood for sport sex, then see it as just that and don't worry about the timing...just consider the disease possibilities. Don't call this guy anymore...don't contact him in any way. Let him call you. If he does, stay out of the sack with him for a while.
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