I'm in a limbo! What's goin on with my marriage?

[carribeanblue]

*Please take time to read I really need some honest advice and opinions.

 

I am new here and i don't know if it's important to introduce myself. Anyway, i've been reading different forums regarding relationships and marriage lately and i now decided to post my own story since i have been desperately looking for answers.

 

My husband and I are married for less than a year. We have no kids. My husband has a good job and I'm a plain housewife since my husband doesn't want me to work. He mostly works at home and he's expecting me to be at home all the time too. By the way, I'm 25 and he's 26.

 

One day, he got a good job offer that requires us to move to a different state. We were both excited and are both planning about doing new things when we move.

 

But unexpected day came, he just told me that "our marriage is not working out anymore". I asked him why since we didn't really have a fight lately. He just said we have trust issues. He said i'm so insecure and i'm always being suspicious. He said he can't stay with someone who doesn't trust him. Which is for me is not true. I really think we just have a misunderstanding. I didn't have a reason to think that he's cheating since he's working at home and he barely goes out lately. He said it's the way I ask things.

 

3 weeks prior to that, we didn't have sex anymore. We usually are both sexually active since we are both young. On the fourth day of not having sex, I asked him "why are we not having sex anymore?" But he gets irritated and couldn't believe why I asked him that. I guess that's how he thought I was being suspicious. But to me, i just thought maybe he has problems with his libido. And as a wife, i suppose i have the right to ask. He gets so annoyed when i opened it up to the point where he wouldn't want to sleep in our bed with me one night. So i dropped the topic and never asked again. Until 3 weeks passed and still no sex. There are times when we start kissing and i was expecting to get some but he will not continue. I just didn't ask anymore as I do not want him to get annoyed.

 

So when he said "he wants divorce" i was really puzzled. It is a very shallow reason when we could have just talked about it. So i decided maybe we just needed some space and time to think. We talked and decided that i will leave and stay at a friend's house. 4 days later, I came back to our house. He apologized for what he said to me and asked me if we can still be together. Of course I said yes. I was happy because that was what i was hoping for. But he is leaving the next day to Seattle for 2 weeks for his job training. I told him to use that time to think clearly while I am attending individual counseling here. The first 3 days of separation was good. We missed each other so much and we just can't wait to be together again. I asked him to go to counseling with me but he doesn't want to. I also got a part time job while he's away. When i told him about it, he was so mad. He said "I'm having such a great time while he's gone. And said that he wants me to be happy WITH him and he doesn't want me to seek my happiness from other things or from other people. I felt guilty and quit my job after 2 days working. The next day when I called him, he just wouldn't answer my call anymore. I keep calling and calling until one day he just emailed me and said that maybe he needs more time to think and 2 weeks are not enough. He said I haven't changed at all even with the counseling and that I always think something is wrong when he wouldn't answer my call. I was upset as i think he was just making false excuses.

 

I gave him the space that he needs. I stopped texting and calling him. When he got back home, he said he's ready to move out and that he already found a house in Seattle where he will start working for his new job. I already knew he was moving as this was our plan but I was expecting he would ask me to go with him. But he didn't. I even helped him pack all of our things leaving myself nothing but my clothes. You could only imagine what a torture it was to me. To pack our treasured things (including wedding gifts) and seeing our pictures gone. I didn't say anything that day. I was hurting so much but continued to help him pack anyway. Then later, we even had sex twice. It was the first time we had sex since almost a month and a half.

 

The last thing he said to me was "Maybe soon we can start again. But we do need some time apart."

 

I asked him if he's giving us up? He shaked his head and said "No"

 

He even cried and told me that I'm the only person he ever loved. He said he's sorry for hurting me. But we just needed to be separated for now. I tried so hard to understand him. We both cried as it was hurting me more. How can someone tells you he loves you but left you anyway?

 

Maybe he was right. Maybe we only need some time apart. We part without bitterness in each other's hearts. I told him i'm going to wait for him and that i'll always love him. In my heart, I'm still hoping that we can still save our marriage.

 

The thing now is that when he left, he just suddenly cut off all communication lines between us. He wouldn't read his emails anymore. He wouldn't answer my call. And when i text, he would reply only to important things and then tells me that he's busy working.

 

I have finally given up expecting him to answer my call. But i constantly emailed him, telling him what's going on with my life. And i continuously texted him, just reminding him that i'm still here and that i'm always praying for him and for us.

 

The other day was his birthday. I ordered a cake to be sent to him. But during his birthday, the bakery lady called me and told me that they could not deliver the cake to him that day because he's not there. I called his friend and his friend told me that he is in town for 3 days partying with his old coworkers. I was so hurt why he did not even tell me anything. I just wanted to know what's goin on.

 

I texted him last night asking him how he's doing and what's going on? I told him that i'm still holding on because the last time we saw each other he told me he's not giving us up.

 

Then he replied and said he doesn't like texting.

 

So I called him but he didn't answer my call.

 

I texted him again i said "So you you don't like texting, you can't reply to my email and you can't answer your phone. Are you really disconnecting me from you?"

 

He texted back and told me that he's too busy working he hasn't even read his emails yet. He told me to calm down because he is just busy.

 

This time i was so ready to pour out all of my emotions. I couldn't take to be rejected anymore. I texted him again i said "I know you don't want to hurt me. But it's hurting me more this way. I just wish you'll be brave enough to tell me what's goin on with us now? What's goin on with you? Are you really letting this marriage go? Or you just need more time? It will be easier if you will at least tell me something. "

 

Then he replied he said "Jesus please stop"

 

I was so much hurt. I told him he has no idea about the pain i'm going through right now. That I'm trying really hard to be brave and strong. His silence is really killing me. I don't know what to think anymore.

 

It's been a month now since he left and moved to Seattle. And I'm still on a limbo. I keep thinking where did i go wrong? I'm willing to wait for him my whole lifetime because I love him so much. But I'm not sure if he wants me to. What do i do now? We're not divorced yet so I'm still hoping that there will still be a chance for us. I don't understand what happened.

 

I've been going through his email accounts including work email account since i have access to it and reading through it hoping to find some answers on what's goin on with him. Nothing suspicious that i could see. His boss even asked him in his email if he already found a new girlfriend and he said no and he has no time doing anything but work.

 

My question is, why doesn't he wants me to be with him?

Why doesn't he wants to talk to me anymore?

Why is he not telling me anything?

 

His friend told me that maybe my husband is struggling something. Some of his friends are doubting about his orientation. Maybe my husband is confused? His friend said it's something that never crossed his mind but that's just some of their friends have mentioned. They were all confused as to why someone could f*ck up such a good thing. He said that everyone is as confused as I am. Maybe they couldn't think of any other reason why. I even talked to his family and they can't tell what's goin on either. His mom told me that she knows that my husband loves me and that I love him too. But nobody wants to get involved.

 

I'm having such a hard time thinking now. I could understand if there's at least a reason that he could tell me. If he's really confused about his sexuality, i would understand. It would make me understand him better. But those are just doubts. No really proof to it.

 

So now i don't know. Do you think he's just having some sexual crisis? Or he just totally fell out of love for me? Why can't he tell me anything? Why can't he be honest and frank about it? Why does he keep me hanging? Is his behavior normal? Please somebody help me understand my husband and our situation.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

In the "Husband Lottery," you got yourself a real loser. What a complete a*sshole.

 

We have no kids.

Consider yourself LUCKY that you're not tied to this jerk with kids. This is a BLESSING.

 

My husband has a good job and I'm a plain housewife since my husband doesn't want me to work.

Tough if he doesn't want you to work. Your first mistake is letting him TELL you what you can do. BIG, HUGE MISTAKE. He's a control freak.

 

He just said we have trust issues.

Now Mr. Control is telling you how you FEEL. What a loser.

 

I asked him "why are we not having sex anymore?" But he gets irritated and couldn't believe why I asked him that.

Yes, what were you THINKING having thoughts of your very OWN and not letting this idiot do your thinking FOR you? He didn't like that at ALL, did he? Of course he didn't.

 

There are times when we start kissing and i was expecting to get some but he will not continue. I just didn't ask anymore as I do not want him to get annoyed.

So you're HANDING over all the control to him. This guy just can't STAND when he can't control you, can he?

 

So when he said "he wants divorce" i was really puzzled.

Quite honestly, you should be thanking your lucky STARS to be rid of this a*sshole.

 

I asked him to go to counseling with me but he doesn't want to.

LOL, of COURSE he doesn't want to go. He thinks he's just FINE. And he can't CONTROL the therapist, now can he?

 

I also got a part time job while he's away.

Smart move. Make a full-time one so you can support yourself and get away from this freak.

 

When i told him about it, he was so mad. He said "I'm having such a great time while he's gone.

Don't you SEE that this emotionally stunted loser looks at YOU for all his validation? He needs YOU pining around him 24 hours a day to validate HIS worthiness. How DARE you seek to validate your OWN worthiness by feeling productive and getting out into the world and earning a paycheck? Gosh, what a SIN against HIM you've committed.

 

...and quit my job after 2 days working.

Bad move. All you did was ONCE AGAIN hand over all the control to him.

 

He said I haven't changed at all even with the counseling and that I always think something is wrong when he wouldn't answer my call.

As*shole. Inconsiderate, controlling, egotistical A*SSHOLE.

 

The last thing he said to me was "Maybe soon we can start again. But we do need some time apart."

Again, thank your lucky stars.

 

He even cried and told me that I'm the only person he ever loved.

Quite honestly, I don't think he knows HOW to love anyone.

 

The thing now is that when he left, he just suddenly cut off all communication lines between us. He wouldn't read his emails anymore. He wouldn't answer my call. And when i text, he would reply only to important things and then tells me that he's busy working.

So THAT'S how he treats the 'only person he ever loved,' is it? Pathetic.

 

Then he replied and said he doesn't like texting. So I called him but he didn't answer my call.

This guy is such a classless JERK.

 

He texted back and told me that he's too busy working he hasn't even read his emails yet. He told me to calm down because he is just busy.

Well, he's 'too busy' alright, but apparently he's too busy having fun and partying.

 

Then he replied he said "Jesus please stop"

What a charmer.

 

I keep thinking where did i go wrong?

The only 'wrong' thing you did was getting mixed up with this jerk. YOU are a loving, gentle, kindhearted person and this a*sshole doesn't deserve you.

 

I'm willing to wait for him my whole lifetime because I love him so much.

I am SO saddened to hear that.

 

But I'm not sure if he wants me to.

When are you going to stop allowing HIM to make all YOUR decisions?

 

Why does he keep me hanging?

Because you LET HIM. You've LET HIM CONTROL YOU from the very beginning.

 

Is his behavior normal?

For a selfish, inconsiderate, disrespectful, controlling a*sshole? Yup, it sure is. For a compassionate human being that's supposed to RESPECT his marriage partner? Hell no. Not even CLOSE.

 

As long as you're willing to dedicate your life to waiting for him and let HIM make all YOUR decisions, what advice CAN we give you?

Edited December 23, 2007 by ICallsEmAsISeesEm

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would bet a very large amount of money that there is another woman (or man?) in the picture. That would explain quite a bit.

[PerfectLee]

Wow ICallEmAsISeeEm broke it down! Good stuff there! One of the things that stood out to me was this:

 

He said it's the way I ask things.

 

This was such a small sentence in your post but it stood out to me bcuz I've been through something similiar as you. All the behaviors you're describing about your husband and the things he's saying to you I have one conclusion. He resents you. Many things are clouding his mind of things you've done and how you've done them. He can't get past them because you continuously do them & it constantly reminds him. Are you doing something wrong? No. He knows it too. He knows you love him more than anything, he even knows you'd do anything he asked of you. (ie: packing, not working etc...) He's probably diving into work like never before, concentrating on making more money etc...that it's his way of trying NOT to think about you two.

 

It sounds to me like he's lost a lot of respect for you to. You guys text each other instead of talking, he doesn't even want to discuss the possibility of going to counseling, it also sounds like he's going through a mid-life crisis or something. He's going out with old friends, he apparently mentioned to his boss that he's looking for a GF (who knows?), he goes up & down with moods of wanting to talk to you, and then he could give a rat's ass how you're doing. You're on an emotional roller coaster, and you NEED to take care of YOU!

 

You can't wait around for something glorious to happen...you're hoping, you're his wife, I understand. But you really have to look at the facts here. It's obvious he doesn't want to be with you or tell you what's going on with him. He's probably having TONS of fun without you, how does that make you feel?

[Mr. Lucky]

His friend told me that maybe my husband is struggling something. Some of his friends are doubting about his orientation.

This bombshell was buried deep in your unfortunate post (wow, you've been through alot in a short period of time ). Why would his friends speculate that he might be gay?

 

Mr. Lucky

[carribeanblue]

This bombshell was buried deep in your unfortunate post (wow, you've been through alot in a short period of time ). Why would his friends speculate that he might be gay?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

i don't know. His friend said that everyone is as confused about the whole situation as I am. Maybe they just couldn't think of any other explanation of why my husband is being the way he is... His friend said it makes him wonder "How can someone f*ck up such a good thing?"

[curiousnycgirl]

OK you posted this twice, so I am pulling information from the other one to respond here. As I said earlier you need to take back control of your life.

 

I understand from your response to my earlier post that you are likely deeply religious - will this prohibit you from divorce? Because to tell the truth I personally feel you need to serve him with papers.

 

I know you want to wait for him forever, but why? He has really treated you very badly (a therapist will help you see this). If you have religious reasons for not being able to divorce, please speak with your minister.

 

I am not Christian - I am Jewish and we allow divorce - however the basics of marriage are the same. Marriage is for procreation - and if you two have no children, and he has affectively abandoned you, then you are unlikely to be able to have children with this man. I'm willing to bet you might even qualify for an annulment.

 

Bottom line is you need to take this time to figure out what YOU want - not what he wants. Be honest, had he stayed, did you really want to be a stay at home wife (if so that is fine - but never say you are "plain" anything)? Did you want to work? Do you want children - again if he's gone that will be very hard to do.

 

I know you said in another post that you are living with friends, and now have a job, but out of curiousity - is he sending you money to live on, since he wanted you to stay home? Do you still have access to his bank account? Did you ever?

 

UGH I hate what the man is doing to you!!!!

[Mr. Lucky]

i don't know. His friend said that everyone is as confused about the whole situation as I am. Maybe they just couldn't think of any other explanation of why my husband is being the way he is... His friend said it makes him wonder "How can someone f*ck up such a good thing?"

Maybe it's just me, but if I had a friend that was having unexplainable marital problems, my first guess would not be "maybe he's gay". Perhaps his friends know something about him or his past that they're not telling you ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[carribeanblue]

I know you want to wait for him forever, but why? He has really treated you very badly (a therapist will help you see this). If you have religious reasons for not being able to divorce, please speak with your minister.

 

I think i just believe in the sanctity of marriage. If he would file for divorce then, there's nothing i can do. I would be glad if he will so at least then there's a final closure. But I can't file for divorce. Yeah it has something to do with religion. I can only be free if he's the one filing and if he's committing adultery.

 

I am not Christian - I am Jewish and we allow divorce - however the basics of marriage are the same. Marriage is for procreation - and if you two have no children, and he has affectively abandoned you, then you are unlikely to be able to have children with this man. I'm willing to bet you might even qualify for an annulment.

 

Ya maybe annulment will do.

 

Bottom line is you need to take this time to figure out what YOU want - not what he wants. Be honest, had he stayed, did you really want to be a stay at home wife (if so that is fine - but never say you are "plain" anything)? Did you want to work? Do you want children - again if he's gone that will be very hard to do.

 

Of course I want to work. I'm a college graduate. I want to have self worth too. But when I got married with him, being a wife was my first priority.

 

I know you said in another post that you are living with friends, and now have a job, but out of curiousity - is he sending you money to live on, since he wanted you to stay home? Do you still have access to his bank account? Did you ever?

 

No he's not sending me any money. He only left me $500 before he left. He said it's for food until i get a job. No, I never had access on his bank account.

[indianlover]

I hate to make assumptions, but the first religion that comes to mind with such restrictions is Islam. In which case if your husband was gay he'd be going through a world of guilt issues.

 

Could you bring up divorce or the annulment to him, see what he says (if he says anything)? Maybe he hasn't thought about it. Maybe he has. Either way it'll show him that you are thinking about moving on and maybe light a fire under his butt.

 

Good luck!

[carribeanblue]

I think i just believe in the sanctity of marriage. If he would file for divorce then, there's nothing i can do. I would be glad if he will so at least then there's a final closure. But I can't file for divorce. Yeah it has something to do with religion. I can only be free if he's the one filing and if he's committing adultery.

 

Let me just correct what I just said here. It isn't really something with religion. I guess I just couldn't find the correct word to use earlier. It is about my Faith. I don't really wanna sound too religious here. But i'm a strong believer of the bible (Mark 10:2-12). And no, neither me or my husband are Muslims. I'm a Christian and my husband has no religion. He does believe in God though.

Edited December 24, 2007 by carribeanblue

[curiousnycgirl]

Have I mentioned yet how much I hate the way your husband is treating you?!

 

He left you $500 for food until you get a job ?! So now you are "allowed" to work? what if you enjoy it too much?

 

Ok for now leave the concept of divorce aside - you need to pursue a career, not just a job, and a therapist, and NC.

 

Leave him a lone, work on yourself, and eventually I would suggest you will see the wisdom of divorcing him. I cannot think of a single Christian sect that would not support a divorce when the husband has abandoned his wife, and there is no hope for children.

 

Man I hate this guy! You deserve so much better!!!!

[Passionate69]

Man I hate this guy! You deserve so much better!!!!

 

 

If She Allow it to be better..probably She deserve much better... kidding aside.

[buttery]

Sounds like you are dealing with low self esteem issues. I know you said you love your husband but are you afraid that if things do end up in a divorce that you wont find better? Your husband is being less than a man in my eyes for leaving you high and dry while he relocates to another city with a new job. What are you suppose to do? and what is the deal with him not calling you to discuss things like an adult? I think your husband is avoiding talking with you because he avoids confrontational situations.

The confrontation is everytime you call you are trying to figure out what is going on with him and your marriage and he is not ready to break the news to you. It upsets him and so rather then face the music he avoids you. Like one of the other posters said the best thing you do right now is to go get a job! even if things work out I would make sure he understands that you intend to keep gainful employment. Nothing worse then depending on someone and they let you down. This is the ultimate betrayal.

There is more to this than he or his friends are letting on. A man just doesnt leave his wife unless he has a sure thing elsewhere. Whether it be man or woman he doesnt deserve you and you sure as hell dont deserve him!!!!

[justice]

I would bet a very large amount of money that there is another woman (or man?) in the picture. That would explain quite a bit.

 

 

This is what I'm thinking too LB.

[Mr. Lucky]

No he's not sending me any money. He only left me $500 before he left. He said it's for food until i get a job. No, I never had access on his bank account.

Well, the simple bottom line is (unfortunately) that you've been abandoned. He's gone, no provision to provide for you and no thought to where you're going to go from here. No contact, no calls, no emails - hard to believe that anyone could be that cold and heartless, but there it is.

 

Time to get a lawyer and get an annulment. It sucks, but since he's obviously moved on, so must you. There's an outside chance that getting the paperwork might be the slap in the face he needs to wake up, but I wouldn't count on it. Hang in there, you have my sympathy...

 

Mr. Lucky