I'm in a limbo! What's goin on with my marriage?

[carribeanblue]

*Please take time to read I really need some honest advice and opinions.

 

I am new here and i don't know if it's important to introduce myself. Anyway, i've been reading different forums regarding relationships and marriage lately and i now decided to post my own story since i have been desperately looking for answers.

 

My husband and I are married for less than a year. We have no kids. My husband has a good job and I'm a plain housewife since my husband doesn't want me to work. He mostly works at home and he's expecting me to be at home all the time too. By the way, I'm 25 and he's 26.

 

One day, he got a good job offer that requires us to move to a different state. We were both excited and are both planning about doing new things when we move.

 

But unexpected day came, he just told me that "our marriage is not working out anymore". I asked him why since we didn't really have a fight lately. He just said we have trust issues. He said i'm so insecure and i'm always being suspicious. He said he can't stay with someone who doesn't trust him. Which is for me is not true. I really think we just have a misunderstanding. I didn't have a reason to think that he's cheating since he's working at home and he barely goes out lately. He said it's the way I ask things.

 

3 weeks prior to that, we didn't have sex anymore. We usually are both sexually active since we are both young. On the fourth day of not having sex, I asked him "why are we not having sex anymore?" But he gets irritated and couldn't believe why I asked him that. I guess that's how he thought I was being suspicious. But to me, i just thought maybe he has problems with his libido. And as a wife, i suppose i have the right to ask. He gets so annoyed when i opened it up to the point where he wouldn't want to sleep in our bed with me one night. So i dropped the topic and never asked again. Until 3 weeks passed and still no sex. There are times when we start kissing and i was expecting to get some but he will not continue. I just didn't ask anymore as I do not want him to get annoyed.

 

So when he said "he wants divorce" i was really puzzled. It is a very shallow reason when we could have just talked about it. So i decided maybe we just needed some space and time to think. We talked and decided that i will leave and stay at a friend's house. 4 days later, I came back to our house. He apologized for what he said to me and asked me if we can still be together. Of course I said yes. I was happy because that was what i was hoping for. But he is leaving the next day to Seattle for 2 weeks for his job training. I told him to use that time to think clearly while I am attending individual counseling here. The first 3 days of separation was good. We missed each other so much and we just can't wait to be together again. I asked him to go to counseling with me but he doesn't want to. I also got a part time job while he's away. When i told him about it, he was so mad. He said "I'm having such a great time while he's gone. And said that he wants me to be happy WITH him and he doesn't want me to seek my happiness from other things or from other people. I felt guilty and quit my job after 2 days working. The next day when I called him, he just wouldn't answer my call anymore. I keep calling and calling until one day he just emailed me and said that maybe he needs more time to think and 2 weeks are not enough. He said I haven't changed at all even with the counseling and that I always think something is wrong when he wouldn't answer my call. I was upset as i think he was just making false excuses.

 

I gave him the space that he needs. I stopped texting and calling him. When he got back home, he said he's ready to move out and that he already found a house in Seattle where he will start working for his new job. I already knew he was moving as this was our plan but I was expecting he would ask me to go with him. But he didn't. I even helped him pack all of our things leaving myself nothing but my clothes. You could only imagine what a torture it was to me. To pack our treasured things (including wedding gifts) and seeing our pictures gone. I didn't say anything that day. I was hurting so much but continued to help him pack anyway. Then later, we even had sex twice. It was the first time we had sex since almost a month and a half.

 

The last thing he said to me was "Maybe soon we can start again. But we do need some time apart."

 

I asked him if he's giving us up? He shaked his head and said "No"

 

He even cried and told me that I'm the only person he ever loved. He said he's sorry for hurting me. But we just needed to be separated for now. I tried so hard to understand him. We both cried as it was hurting me more. How can someone tells you he loves you but left you anyway?

 

Maybe he was right. Maybe we only need some time apart. We part without bitterness in each other's hearts. I told him i'm going to wait for him and that i'll always love him. In my heart, I'm still hoping that we can still save our marriage.

 

The thing now is that when he left, he just suddenly cut off all communication lines between us. He wouldn't read his emails anymore. He wouldn't answer my call. And when i text, he would reply only to important things and then tells me that he's busy working.

 

I have finally given up expecting him to answer my call. But i constantly emailed him, telling him what's going on with my life. And i continuously texted him, just reminding him that i'm still here and that i'm always praying for him and for us.

 

The other day was his birthday. I ordered a cake to be sent to him. But during his birthday, the bakery lady called me and told me that they could not deliver the cake to him that day because he's not there. I called his friend and his friend told me that he is in town for 3 days partying with his old coworkers. I was so hurt why he did not even tell me anything. I just wanted to know what's goin on.

 

I texted him last night asking him how he's doing and what's going on? I told him that i'm still holding on because the last time we saw each other he told me he's not giving us up.

 

Then he replied and said he doesn't like texting.

 

So I called him but he didn't answer my call.

 

I texted him again i said "So you you don't like texting, you can't reply to my email and you can't answer your phone. Are you really disconnecting me from you?"

 

He texted back and told me that he's too busy working he hasn't even read his emails yet. He told me to calm down because he is just busy.

 

This time i was so ready to pour out all of my emotions. I couldn't take to be rejected anymore. I texted him again i said "I know you don't want to hurt me. But it's hurting me more this way. I just wish you'll be brave enough to tell me what's goin on with us now? What's goin on with you? Are you really letting this marriage go? Or you just need more time? It will be easier if you will at least tell me something. "

 

Then he replied he said "Jesus please stop"

 

I was so much hurt. I told him he has no idea about the pain i'm going through right now. That I'm trying really hard to be brave and strong. His silence is really killing me. I don't know what to think anymore.

 

It's been a month now since he left and moved to Seattle. And I'm still on a limbo. I keep thinking where did i go wrong? I'm willing to wait for him my whole lifetime because I love him so much. But I'm not sure if he wants me to. What do i do now? We're not divorced yet so I'm still hoping that there will still be a chance for us. I don't understand what happened.

 

I've been going through his email accounts including work email account since i have access to it and reading through it hoping to find some answers on what's goin on with him. Nothing suspicious that i could see. His boss even asked him in his email if he already found a new girlfriend and he said no and he has no time doing anything but work.

 

My question is, why doesn't he wants me to be with him?

Why doesn't he wants to talk to me anymore?

Why is he not telling me anything?

 

His friend told me that maybe my husband is struggling something. Some of his friends are doubting about his orientation. Maybe my husband is confused? His friend said it's something that never crossed his mind but that's just some of their friends have mentioned. They were all confused as to why someone could f*ck up such a good thing. He said that everyone is as confused as I am. Maybe they couldn't think of any other reason why. I even talked to his family and they can't tell what's goin on either. His mom told me that she knows that my husband loves me and that I love him too. But nobody wants to get involved.

 

I'm having such a hard time thinking now. I could understand if there's at least a reason that he could tell me. If he's really confused about his sexuality, i would understand. It would make me understand him better. But those are just doubts. No really proof to it.

 

So now i don't know. Do you think he's just having some sexual crisis? Or he just totally fell out of love for me? Why can't he tell me anything? Why can't he be honest and frank about it? Why does he keep me hanging? Is his behavior normal? Please somebody help me understand my husband and our situation.

[Nomad1]

Caribbeanblue, my heart goes out to you. Many people here will empathise with you and understand the suffering that you are going through. You have given up your life for this man whom you love deeply (you gave up your job!), but he is clearly and deliberately doing this to you. There appears to be a hint of sadism in all of this. Think about it, if someone has a different sexual orientation, this will not stop him/her from talking to his wife, reassuring her and being honest with her. He is prolonging your agony with his behaviour. He is clearly not feeling any pain over this. What he is probably feeling is a sense power and control. Don't succumb to his control. People only oppress, control and exercise power over those who allow them to.

 

Based on my own experience, your husband is feeling guilty for something he is doing. It is highly likely that he is having an affair. He is probably caught up in the affair and can't think straight about anything. He knows that you will phone/text etc. and his silence is leading you to phone him more frequently. This only serves to justify and validate his unreasonable behaviour and for him to say that you are the source of the problem because you are harrassing him.

 

I would stop calling/texting - go No Contact with him. You need to gain your independence (financial etc). Get a job, study, look after yourself. Make new friends. Learn from others on this forum. All their stories have many similarities. Learn from their mistakes and their successes in dealing with the trauma of loss and uncertainty. You are young and have no children - count your blessings. Could you imagine if this happened when you have 2 or 3 kids.

 

I know it is easier said than done, but it can be done.

 

My warmest wishes to you

 

Nomad 1

Edited December 23, 2007 by Nomad1

[curiousnycgirl]

I agree entirely with what Nomad wrote. You have given your husband complete control - you need to take some back, get control of your life.

 

How are you supporting yourself right now? Where are you living? What are you doing all day other than wondering what is going on with your husband?

 

Are you still in individual counseling? I think at this time counseling is critical for you. You need to finda therapist who will work with you on how to move on with your life.

 

I understand your wanting to wait for your husband forever, and you can - but not in the way you are doing it right now. You need to move forward with your own life. Get a job, go out with friends, find new hobbies, etc.

 

Stop calling, emailing and texting him - completely. I know this will be hard - but it will be less so if you are keeping yourself busy. It will not be easy - only less difficult.

 

My heart goes out to you - this is a really awful thing your husband has pulled on you. Keep coming here and posting - you'll get all kinds of insights and advice - some you'll take, some you won't. But at least you won't be alone.

[BlueEyedSarah]

carribeanblue,

 

The guy sounds like a bit of a control freak. Stop contacting him, if he contacts you dont contact back. Get yourself a job, go to school, make new friends. Hold your head up high to a new and better life, you need to support yourself finacially now he is not living with you or supporting you.

[carribeanblue]

Caribbeanblue, my heart goes out to you. Many people here will empathise with you and understand the suffering that you are going through. You have given up your life for this man whom you love deeply (you gave up your job!), but he is clearly and deliberately doing this to you. There appears to be a hint of sadism in all of this. Think about it, if someone has a different sexual orientation, this will not stop him/her from talking to his wife, reassuring her and being honest with her. He is prolonging your agony with his behaviour. He is clearly not feeling any pain over this. What he is probably feeling is a sense power and control. Don't succumb to his control. People only oppress, control and exercise power over those who allow them to.

 

Based on my own experience, your husband is feeling guilty for something he is doing. It is highly likely that he is having an affair. He is probably caught up in the affair and can't think straight about anything. He knows that you will phone/text etc. and his silence is leading you to phone him more frequently. This only serves to justify and validate his unreasonable behaviour and for him to say that you are the source of the problem because you are harrassing him.

 

I would stop calling/texting - go No Contact with him. You need to gain your independence (financial etc). Get a job, study, look after yourself. Make new friends. Learn from others on this forum. All their stories have many similarities. Learn from their mistakes and their successes in dealing with the trauma of loss and uncertainty. You are young and have no children - count your blessings. Could you imagine if this happened when you have 2 or 3 kids.

 

I know it is easier said than done, but it can be done.

 

My warmest wishes to you

 

Nomad 1

 

Thank you so much for your reply. You're right, he is prolonging my agony and doesn't seem to feel anything even after i begged him to just be brave enough tell me what's goin on. I'd rather him be mean and just blow it off to me one time than tearing my soul slowly.

 

I think the only thing I can do now is pray to God and hoping that eventually He will show me the light. I couldn't really think straight now and I don't know what to say anymore. Today is Sunday and I guess i'll just go to church and hoping to find a break after. God make this pain go away....

[carribeanblue]

I agree entirely with what Nomad wrote. You have given your husband complete control - you need to take some back, get control of your life.

 

How are you supporting yourself right now? Where are you living? What are you doing all day other than wondering what is going on with your husband?

 

I am working now and living with a friend's family. They are good family and they actually helped go through a Christian Counseling.

 

Are you still in individual counseling? I think at this time counseling is critical for you. You need to finda therapist who will work with you on how to move on with your life.

 

Yes I am. I might need to find a therapist too. I know i need it. My soul has been damaged so much.

 

Stop calling, emailing and texting him - completely. I know this will be hard - but it will be less so if you are keeping yourself busy. It will not be easy - only less difficult.

 

Ya i'm trying so hard to be strong and keeping myself busy. But sometimes during idle times, it just dragged my heart down and here i go again aching...

 

My heart goes out to you - this is a really awful thing your husband has pulled on you. Keep coming here and posting - you'll get all kinds of insights and advice - some you'll take, some you won't. But at least you won't be alone.

 

Thank you so much!

[stampdaddy]

I am a man, and I don't understamd where your H is coming from? I did think, maybe he is trying to figure out his sexuality... It's the only thing that comes close to making sense to me.. Either way, he is being a complete AHOLE to treat you like this. You are MARRIED. You are his WIFE and he is your HUSBAND..

 

I will say, this is your opportunity to get YOUR life back. There is NO reason in the world that a 26 year old woman has to sit at home and not work if she wants to work, what are you "grounded"? That's the stupidest, most selfish thing I've ever heard..

 

"....Give her wings when she wants to fly....." Bryan Adams, To really love a woman

[carribeanblue]

I am a man, and I don't understamd where your H is coming from? I did think, maybe he is trying to figure out his sexuality... It's the only thing that comes close to making sense to me.. Either way, he is being a complete AHOLE to treat you like this. You are MARRIED. You are his WIFE and he is your HUSBAND..

 

Believe me, i've spend a whole month trying to figure out where he's coming from. I talked to anybody i could talk to knows him, even to his family. I would even bend on my knees if i would have to just to get a little information on what's goin on. Unfortunately, his family will only say they feel sorry for me and that they love me. Other than that, i get no information about my husband except that he's busy working. Nobody wants to get involved.

 

I will say, this is your opportunity to get YOUR life back. There is NO reason in the world that a 26 year old woman has to sit at home and not work if she wants to work, what are you "grounded"? That's the stupidest, most selfish thing I've ever heard..

 

"....Give her wings when she wants to fly....." Bryan Adams, To really love a woman

 

Yea i now realized that he's been controlling me and how selfish he was. I want to be a good wife and i want to take care of him. That was my first priority since we got married. But i wanted to have a selfworth too. I have been trying to talk to him about it before but he said that since he can provide all of our needs, then there's no reason for me to work. Now when he left me, there was no problem with him at all that i work. I guess he's just avoiding his responsibility as a husband. It's just sad that he left me without anything to fall back to.

[betrayed_07]

i can feel your pain bcz i am in the same situation, my wife left me after getting a good job and its almost six months since i lost all contact of her. I miss her every single moment, but in this six months she never asked how I am or how I pass days. i kept asking what did I do what did I do.. infact I broke down my head over it but cant get much headway. now i have surrendered to time because my mom said it is time which can heal the pain. take care.

Edited December 24, 2007 by betrayed_07

[Confused9]

Sounds to me like he's definately guilty of something. I am 26 and was planning on getting married to my WS in October of 08. He started acting this way to me and I was completely dumbfounded. His family was also caught in the middle sort of becasue he wouldn't talk to me and I was asking them for insight.

 

He was out of state for work and has now moved out there. He did have an affair and is now with the OW. He was mean to me and NEVER gave me any amount of closure. Everything was in limbo. He never came out and told me he had a g/f and denied anything but kissing a girl at a bar one night. Said he was still in love with me, but we are too different and aren't right for each other. Fast forward two months I get a text message saying, here's some closure I'm going to be a dad. Yes, that's right a text message. I was with this man for 7 years and that is how he told me. I don't even know if the baby thing is true...but I guess I won't for 5-9 months.

 

Sounds like he is guilty for what he's done/doing. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know how gut wrenching it can be. Just try and keep your head up. Talk it out with people, go to counseling, meet new friends and move on.

 

I agree with everyone else...remain in NC with him. He doesn't deserve the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. I know how painful this is, but we are young. One day...we will be happy again!