i still don't trust him - am i being a jerk?

[oohlala]

months ago my fiance and i stopped having sex - he attributed it to issues with his medication affecting his libido (effexor). then in august i caught him trying to solicit sex on Craigslist and confronted him about it. he swears nothing came out of it and has begged me since then to work on things, and i've tried but i just am not attracted to him anymore. i look at him and can't even think about sleeping with him - and i really miss having sex.

 

we're good in other facets of our relationship, and he keep reitterating the fact that nothing formulated of his solicitation, but i just don't care. for the record - no, i haven't gained weight and let myself go - but i gotta say that my motivation to look fantastic 7 days a week is a whole lot weaker given the fact that no matter what i look like i'm not gettin' any at home.

 

he's tried and begged and pleaded, and i just don't care. am i being a jerk?

[Freddy]

You doing the right thing, good for you!!

[sedgwick]

Oh man...not to justify his behavior, because I'M NOT, but Effexor really is the worst! That stuff absolutely decimated my sex drive. Horrible, horrible medication.

 

That said, go you! Of course you're not being a jerk. He's your fiance, and he's on CL looking for sex?!? Ugh...and of all places!!

[Florida]

You know how in court people are tried and convicted for attempted murder, even if the murder was not actually committed? The sentences can be pretty steep too.

 

Or how about criminal intent? Where burden of proof shows intention was there.

 

Why do people not see it the same in regards to attempt at cheating that was not successful? The intent was there; therefore it is as bad as if it happened. No worse because it shows he couldn't even get any on the side, and that is why he is being forgiven. What??

 

My point is, just because he did not follow through (what-lack of responses makes him less culpable?) he had the intent, which is just as bad as if you caught him in flagrante delicto (in the act).

 

Why are you still with this cheater? Dump him.

Edited December 23, 2007 by Florida

[3rdI]

You know how in court people are tried and convicted for attempted murder, even if the murder was not actually committed? The sentences can be pretty steep too.

 

Or how about criminal intent? Where burden of proof shows intention was there.

 

Why do people not see it the same in regards to attempt at cheating that was not successful? The intent was there; therefore it is as bad as if it happened. No worse because it shows he couldn't even get any on the side, and that is why he is being forgiven. What??

 

My point is, just because he did not follow through (what-lack of responses makes him less culpable?) he had the intent, which is just as bad as if you caught him in flagrante delicto (in the act).

 

Why are you still with this cheater? Dump him.

 

Well argued and I might add....run as fast as you can when you dump him.

[Ronni_W]

Or how about criminal intent? Where burden of proof shows intention was there.

 

Why do people not see it the same in regards to attempt at cheating that was not successful? The intent was there; therefore it is as bad as if it happened.

 

Well, attempting to cheat is not a *criminal* act - it falls under religious law (in those cultures where it is punishable) or is judged on moral/ethical grounds (by those who would judge it.)

 

But then there's also "forgiveness" that falls under moral/ethical philosophy and religious/spiritual belief systems -- who says we HAVE to focus only on the 'eye for an eye' thing???

 

Personally, I don't know if adultery or attempted adultery is a deal-breaker for me -- I just have no idea of all the circumstances that I'll have to take into account, on a VERY PERSONAL level, if I ever have to decide about it.

 

My only wish is that I'll make the best decision for me, at that time -- and there's not another person on the planet who knows or could ever know what ultimately is best for ME.

[Florida]

Well, attempting to cheat is not a *criminal* act - it falls under religious law (in those cultures where it is punishable) or is judged on moral/ethical grounds (by those who would judge it.)

 

But then there's also "forgiveness" that falls under moral/ethical philosophy and religious/spiritual belief systems -- who says we HAVE to focus only on the 'eye for an eye' thing???

 

Personally, I don't know if adultery or attempted adultery is a deal-breaker for me -- I just have no idea of all the circumstances that I'll have to take into account, on a VERY PERSONAL level, if I ever have to decide about it.

 

My only wish is that I'll make the best decision for me, at that time -- and there's not another person on the planet who knows or could ever know what ultimately is best for ME.

 

In bringing up the law as an example, I was trying to show that INTENT to cheat should be taken as seriously as the actual act. I understand you taking offense or disagreeing with the example as you feel it is not a criminal act so much as a moral one. That's fine! I disagree, for me it is akin to a crime, but that's really not my point.

 

And perhaps adultery or attempted adultery is or isn't a dealbreaker for the OP (for me personally it is-but enough about me!) but it sounded like she was doubting herself just because he did not follow through all the way.

 

And that, to me, is not a good reason to forgive someone for attempted cheating, the fact that no one bit their bait- if in fact cheating IS a dealbreaker for someone.

 

My whole point is intent through actions is the same as actually following through , religious/criminal arguments aside.

 

Remember the astronaut lady who stalked her lover's new GF across the country. Well she did not kill her, but the intent was there, so she was charged accordingly.

 

If the OP wants to forgive-fine-bt she should do so comprehending fully that he had intention to cheat on her, and only didn't because he probably didn't get enough serious responses back.

[spooty]

in your fiance's defense... when my relationship was rocky i put an ad on adultfriendfinder. i did not pursue anyone, some people contacted me, i chatted a little, but i never did anything. i knew i wouldn't, but it was exciting, like and affair-lite, a fantasy more than anything.

 

i never really had any intention to, i think i was just looking at the possibility, i put up a picture and people thought i was hot, it was an affirmation kind of thing. you know when you're feeling down and someone compliments you it makes your day? it was kinda like that. it also provided me with material for self-servicing

also, there was a lot of fantasy involved, i'd dream of cheating, though i never would, it was just a way of dealing with my anger and frustration with how my relationship was going. you think of strangling annoying coworkers but you'd never do it, thinking it shouldn't get you fired! (see where i'm going?) there was this sort of power in knowing "i could" but most importantly, I NEVER DID. your fiance might have made it for similar reasons, to test if he was the reason the sex had gone down, or if it was you depending on if anyone responded!

 

now if he wrote something about being "discrete", that he's involved, or he's posted repeatedly, then that's something to worry about, otherwise it's probably just fantasy.

[oohlala]

Thank you all for your input - I've been reading and digesting all of it over the last couple of days.

 

I've been asking myself if it's a matter of forgiveness, or if it's a matter of what a bruise this has been on my self-esteem and I feel terrible and selfish with the conclusion that it' might be the latter. I've been on and off anti-depressants/anti-anxiety drugs for a few years, so I know the feeling of going months at a time with no sex drive. So, for a while I just accepted it until I found the Craigslist and NSA site solicitations. Seriously, the idea of just settling for a situation at my age (27) that reeks of "business partnership" and nothing else is just depressing.

 

I've been thinking about my past and one ex in particular that I forgave a few times (not for infidelity, but other things that require trust) and I can say that without a doubt I DO have capability to forgive...I'm just not feeling this.

 

He wants to do counseling together but I just think it's pointless.

 

I'm using some vacation time from work to take a long trip home next week and start thinking about my options. We don't have kids but we do have pets together, live together, and have a joint checking account so it could be worse but the logistics have made this more drawn out than I would have liked them to be.

[oohlala]

If the OP wants to forgive-fine-bt she should do so comprehending fully that he had intention to cheat on her, and only didn't because he probably didn't get enough serious responses back.

 

LOL - I had to add that the ONE response he got from *all* of his solicitations that I'm aware of was from a guy named JoseInTexas that promised he would suck his rod dry. Totally not what he was looking for.

 

But I totally agree - I honestly just don't think he got or (had time to get before he got caught) enough serious responses from anything he'd like to do.

 

And I hate the idea of being in a relationship with anyone I HAVE to worry about - he works from home all day and used that to his advantage in his postings. All of them said "I work from home so my schedule is flexible" yadda yadda.

 

He's calling and "checking in" with me 24 times a day now and given me passwords to email, etc. and I just don't care.

 

For any email you give me access to, you could easily have 20 more I don't know about.

 

And the very fact that I have to think about that kind of minutae just exhausts me.

Edited December 29, 2007 by oohlala

[BrianG]

my ex broke up with me regarding the same thing. I had no intentions of soliciting for sex, but was deeply depressed about my looks and posted for compliments to make me feel better about myself. Very, very stupid I know and I don't blame her for breaking up with me because I take full responsibility for me actions. Well she did not believe me when i tried to explain that but she broke up with me. Is there anything he could do to put your mind at ease? Just curious because you might want to communicate that if you would like to work things out between you, but that is your choice and if he is willing to put forth the effort to regain your trust. As your well aware of people make mistakes, but that is how people learn sometimes, which i can attest too. In the end it is up to you to decide obviously. I deal with the guilt everyday since it happened and don't know how to forgive myself yet because she means the world to me. Hopefully he feels the same way. Not sure if any of this helps, I guess just venting a little myself because I am on the other side of the coin.

[oohlala]

Hmmm, well, maybe I am being a jerk. Honestly, BrianG I think breaking up with you for just kind of fishing for compliments is extreme — or at least I think it is. Were there other issues with the relationship?

 

I've certainly done things in my past that I'm not proud of — I cheated on an ex for a while and was really honest about it with my fiance in the beginning. The darkness I felt at that period of my life is something I just don't want to experience again, and, having been cheated on by an ex-GF in his past, he could NOT emphasize enough that cheating is the ultimate deal-breaker for him and that he just would not tolerate it. He said billions of times over the course of 6 months that if I ever cheated on him he'd leave and not look back.

 

I kind of thought 'wow, that's harsh' because I'm not naive enough to recognize that we're all human and relationships and feelings are complex and multi-faceted beings in themselves, and IMO it's a 'never say never' kind of thing...but it didn't completely scare me because I know from painful experience that two relationships at a time is just NOT something I want to do again.

 

So, if anything, I can *understand* the temptation and the issues that drive someone to cheat. But I'm just having trouble with the fact that for months he lied to me about not having desire for me, and is that something you can really change?? I know it's not changing for me. We're roommates and nothing more.

 

I forgot to mention that we both do see psychs regularly to manage our medication, and when we were going through a sexless period we actually DID go through two counseling sessions and he went through a slew of blood tests and physicals to make sure something wasn't really, really physically wrong with him.

 

When I think back to ALL of that wasted time and energy to improve things on a medical/therapy end, on top of the efforts to "spice things up" (which, I've never had a problem with in the past, I'm fairly uninhibited)...I'm just annoyed that he couldn't just say "Look, I'm just not attracted to you anymore."

 

I even proposed we have an OPEN relationship so we could both get our needs met elsewhere — ironically, he vehemently opposed that AFTER he'd already started trying to solicit sex online. I felt completely backing into a corner.

 

...anyway, I officially ended my engagement this morning. I moved completely into the spare bedroom until I get details figured out. I don't know wtf I'm going to tell my family, coworkers, our mutual friends, etc. Oh well.

[Trialbyfire]

If someone is already like this while engaged, imagine what marriage would be like, especially 10 years down the road when you're lives are interwoven with children, mortgage and other important life decisions.

 

I think you did the right thing to end it. Just tell everyone that things didn't work out, if you don't want to tell them the truth. Myself, I would probably tell everyone the truth.