NCPilot Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 So I've been dating this girl for two months, and during that time we've had fun at first, but the more the relationship last, the more she expressed her anxiety. She worries about everything. I tried my best to be understanding, to reassure her and to be romantic in order to smooth over some of her worrying. However, she still worries and when we talked about her getting help, she won't because she doesn't like Therapist, and she thinks she can do it on her own and now she won't communicate these worries to me because I expressed concerns about her and let her know that it was having a negative impact on our relationship. She also says she'll get help once she moves out IE when she marries me, because she won't move out of her parents until she's married. Also, I think she has serious trust issues because she has to know where I am, all the time, and if I try to have my "me" time (where I cut off communication with her for a few hours), then she gets worried and starts calling like every five minutes and call my parents etc. She is def. clingy. That's another thing, she is just fixated on getting married, it just seems like she is just wanting to rushed to get married. Me, I got to get through school first and It's going to take me 2-3 years, and then I got to get a job, and THEN we can see about marriage. I'm trying to get her to see this relationship as a journey, but of course she doesn't it feels like she sees it as a destination to the alter. Ever since we talked about her Anxiety we seem to be communicating less, and we just seem to be saying the same thing over and over without saying anything new, which is starting to get boring to me, at least. I don't know, beside all of this she really is a sweet, kind, caring, and loving woman but is that really enough to sustain a relationship? Also, we do have fun together when we're out together, but it's just the periods between the time we spend together that is a complete Hell, are good times within a relationship that seems to have serious underlying problems be enough to sustain a relationship? My parents think I should stay with her and "tough" it out because I'd probably never meet another woman like her, and really that would be fine with me because I enjoyed being single. I do have those moments when I miss being in a relationship but other than that. I just don't know if I should "tough" it out (since it only been two months) or if this is going to be it.
brothermartin Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Chances are, it won't get any better. Sorry man, I had to say it. It sounds like this girl has to many issues that she's not ready or willing to confront, and that can eventually destroy even a great relationship. I suggest you not go into this with rose-colored glasses on and ask yourself the hard questions. Then ask her those questions. If she's rushing into marriage, that's a big red flag.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 She needs to be comfortable with herself and not rely on others. Many girls are brought up this way (not her fault). But, she needs to regain her self worth without a man. Discuss and reassure her of your feelings and that "me" time does not mean - away from her time. With some cottling, she'll be fine. She's unsure as many women can be.
polywog Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 It sounds as if she is afraid to be on her own, wanting to rush from the cocoon of parents to the cocoon of husband/marriage. Her desire to want to know where you are all the time and fear of your independence shows that she's not mature enough for a marriage, IMO. Not even mature enough for a serious relationship. She sounds like because of all this fear she needs to control all aspects of her life.... this takes a lot of psychic energy, and feeds that weak feeling and anxiety. This is big stuff. It's a shame that she won't seek therapy, because her life would sure be better if she dealt with these issues.
GeminiWoman Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Yep, got to agree with BrotherMartin. There are some big red flags waving and you would be wise to pay attention. #1 You've only been dating 2 months and she's already talking about marriage. That, by itself, should always be a red flag for anyone. You can't possibly know someone well enough in 2 months to commit to a lifetime together. #2 She's calling your parents to see where you are. Good grief! She has some major, major insecurities. Trust me, they only get worse once you're married. #3 She refuses to get help for her anxieties and insecurities and they are already causing a problem in your brand new relationship. #4 She says she'll get help once you two are married. No she won't. She will become even more clingy and insecure because then she will be able to say 'we're married and you should check in with me every two minutes." She will eventually chase away your friends and family and make it clear that you will be penalized for every moment you spend away from her. This will cause you to back away from your other relationships because you will begin to fear the pain she will inflict upon you every time you spend time with someone else. I hope I'm not being too harsh, but, honesty the 'good times' aren't enough. As you can see, things get very out of kilter when there is a serious underlying issue that is not being addressed. The good times will dwindle down to nothing because there is an elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. With all due respect, I disagree with your parents. She may be a perfectly wonderful person but this can be a huge, overwhelming problem in a marriage and will only be fixed when she gets into therapy and works on it. It's not you, it's her and she will have this issue no matter who she is with. If she is serious about marrying you, she will prove it by working on the problem before you get married. People often believe that marriage will magically cure their issues and I guarantee that is what she is thinking. 'Once we are married, I won't feel jealous.' Wrong! She will feel more jealous because now you belong to her and she won't want anyone to 'mess' with her property. Obviously, I have been there and done this. My first husband was terribly insecure and jealous. We were very young (21) and the marriage only lasted 3 years due to his major insecurities. It was very painful. I was the one that thought 'once we get married, he will no longer feel insecure.' I was dead wrong. Things got worse and worse. One time we were having a party at our home with some friends and I left the room to use the bathroom and when I returned, everyone was gone. Apparently, the husband of one of my friends was looking at me a little too long and my ex didn't like that and kicked everyone out. Trust me, this is no way to live. Hugs.
Ronni_W Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 , beside all of this she really is a sweet, kind, caring, and loving woman but is that really enough to sustain a relationship? In combination with her other behaviour, the "good stuff" is more than likely also coming from an unhealthy place -- designed to manipulate others to be and do for her what she needs them to be and do. (It's not necessarily conscious, though, just how she's learned to cope when people aren't meeting her fear-based needs.) My parents think I should stay with her and "tough" it out because I'd probably never meet another woman like her, You can assure your parents that they do not need to worry - the world is FULL of women (and men) who are insecure, immature, anxiety-ridden and supremely high maintenance...and have mastered ways of masking all of that (through "sweet, kind, caring, and loving" acts) when it suits them . My suggestion? Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
sedgwick Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 (edited) It makes me so angry when I see men staying with women who behave like this. All I've ever done is squelch my desire to get married and squelch my desire to talk about commitment and keep my problems from my boyfriends because I know guys freak out over that stuff. I've tried SO HARD to be the perfect girlfriend, the one who asks for NOTHING, the one who doesn't let on that she needs anything because she doesn't want to be a pain in the a$$. I'm the one who saves it for her therapist so as not to bug the boyfriends. And yet still I've had SO F&(KING MANY guys freak out at the slightest suggestion of commitment and run away. Who are these women that annoy and harangue and pour out their insecurities to this degree and somehow have men stay with them anyway, while men run from me for even suggesting that I want a steady boyfriend? I feel like every time I say "I love you," I lose whatever man I'm with, because GOD FORBID I should express ANYTHING resembling a desire for ANY KIND of commitment at all. And then I read about women like this and...ugh. Just ugh. Edited December 24, 2007 by sedgwick
Author NCPilot Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 It makes me so angry when I see men staying with women who behave like this. All I've ever done is squelch my desire to get married and squelch my desire to talk about commitment and keep my problems from my boyfriends because I know guys freak out over that stuff. I've tried SO HARD to be the perfect girlfriend, the one who asks for NOTHING, the one who doesn't let on that she needs anything because she doesn't want to be a pain in the a$$. I'm the one who saves it for her therapist so as not to bug the boyfriends. And yet still I've had SO F&(KING MANY guys freak out at the slightest suggestion of commitment and run away. Who are these women that annoy and harangue and pour out their insecurities to this degree and somehow have men stay with them anyway, while men run from me for even suggesting that I want a steady boyfriend? I feel like every time I say "I love you," I lose whatever man I'm with, because GOD FORBID I should express ANYTHING resembling a desire for ANY KIND of commitment at all. And then I read about women like this and...ugh. Just ugh. I don't have a problem with commitment, or getting married, but that's like a year to a year and a half off for me. I still have to get through Grad School before even thinking about getting married, because I need a job, and I am going to get a steady job before getting married.
FooledOnce Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 "tough it out" is definately not a phrase that should come into play at a two month mark.
Trialbyfire Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 I think the words marriage or love, shouldn't even enter into a discussion between couples, until much further down the way, when you've had time to get to know each other. Most often the word "love" is only "lust" or "infatuation" and marriage either makes one party dash, creates unrealistic expectations for the relationship or makes both parties uncomfortable. You're both young. Take it slowly. Push her back on the marriage issue and let her know clearly, that this isn't in your immediate future plans.
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