Jilly Bean Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 I think you're missing the point here, Beach. You now seem to be deflecting your anger at this woman, and squaring yourself in a "I can kick your ass" stance. Bottom line is the same - you're boyfriend made the decision, and that was to let his ex-gf attend the party, while he expressly told you you could not come. I don't think the messaging could be any clearer, really. Hopefully the distance of a week will bring it into focus.
oppath Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 oppath- I agree with you, I don't see why both of us couldn't be at the party. She knows that he is seeing someone else, but she has no idea who I am because she thinks that he cheated on her with me, which is not the case at all. I don't care if she were to show up but I am pissed that I was asked not to come because she was going to. I am not that easily threatened, she can say all she wants to me and it won't bother me, if she went after my car or after me physically then I would be pissed. In this case, without knowing your backstory (or bothering to look it up), it sounds like your boyfriend has some culpability for her hurt feelings regardless of her being immature, psycho, etc. Breakups are tough. How you express yourself, you understand that. Your bf probably didn't handle the last breakup in the best way and it is so easy to be irrational during a breakup. While she may be juvenile and immature, etc, she probably does have a side of the story, right? I'm not saying you should solicit it, I just agree with Jilly Bean that the anger shouldn't be at her, it should be at your bf. Does your bf have a problem with assertiveness? That would be my problem here, the fact that he can't stand up for you. When your feelings are on the line, you want a guy who will stand up for you. I'd tell him exactly that. "When my feelings and our relationship are on the line, I need a guy who will stand up for me. You did not do that."
Tony6 Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 If she showed up and started anything, I'd have told her to her face that I am in love with you.
Author beachlover Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 I just got home from my week away and I am still angry with him. He called me later the night I left and said that he was sorry and that he knew he screwed up and asked what he could do to fix it. I told him it was too late to fix it. I told him that if I am asked to not go somewhere because of his ex ever again I am done. He said that he promises that I will be invited to every party from here on out and if she decides to stop by again then so be it. Jilly Bean - I am not trying to deflect my anger at her... I am mad at him because of her, I don't even know her so how can I be mad at her? oppath - he didn't handle his last break up well, she had been accusing him of cheating on her with me (we went to school together and got assigned to the same group project, so it wasn't like he could stop talking to me... and fyi nothing was going on with us then) he tried to tell her what was going on and she wouldn't listen... so he broke up with her. I know that there is a lot more to the story than that and I am sure that her version is different from his version and from what I know because I was kinda in the middle of it. He doesn't usually have a problem with assertiveness so I am not sure what is going on with not wanting to stand up to her, and honestly I don't want to get into a fight with her over it. Tony - I would be in shock if he told her that he loved me, he hasn't even said that to me yet. But I think that he should tell her that he cares about me and wants to be with me...
Lionblade Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Gonna have to disagree D-lish, I hate when girls act with a whatever/aloof attitude. Same here and I'm pretty sure most guys do as well. Some girls are attracted to those whatever/aloof type of guys but it doesn't go the other way.
oppath Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 oppath - he didn't handle his last break up well, she had been accusing him of cheating on her with me (we went to school together and got assigned to the same group project, so it wasn't like he could stop talking to me... and fyi nothing was going on with us then) he tried to tell her what was going on and she wouldn't listen... so he broke up with her. I know that there is a lot more to the story than that and I am sure that her version is different from his version and from what I know because I was kinda in the middle of it. Considering he did get together with you, he was likely talking about you a lot, neglecting her somehow, and she sensed that. He'd swear nothing was going on with you. She accuses him of cheating, you weren't, but he breaks up with her, and then starts dating you. If I were her, I'd be pissed. Of course, you did nothing wrong. But from her perspective, that would really hurt, to start talking about another girl a lot, maybe making her 2nd place for a little while, she freaks out, gets dumped, feels foolish for it, but then it was true there was attraction between you two and you actually were a threat regardless of actually cheating. So I understand how she would be hurt and mad 1 year later. She is not the bad person here. Your current "boyfriend" is the one with the problem. He is the one who created this situation. Taking advantage of her for the kegs was wrong and I'd honestly tell him "dude, you took advantage of her, which is wrong in itself, and then you put me second place, which is wrong too. Honestly, you aren't fair to both of us. Treat her with more respect, even if it means hurting her, and never put me second again."
MystifiedByMen Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Agreed. If you want to know where a man's heart is, watch his feet. This is SO true!
Author beachlover Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 Considering he did get together with you, he was likely talking about you a lot, neglecting her somehow, and she sensed that. He'd swear nothing was going on with you. She accuses him of cheating, you weren't, but he breaks up with her, and then starts dating you. If I were her, I'd be pissed. Of course, you did nothing wrong. But from her perspective, that would really hurt, to start talking about another girl a lot, maybe making her 2nd place for a little while, she freaks out, gets dumped, feels foolish for it, but then it was true there was attraction between you two and you actually were a threat regardless of actually cheating. I understand what you are saying but in all fairness I didn't start dating him until they had been broken up for 6 months. I completely took myself out of the picture once we weren't required to talk all the time because of school and because I have been cheated on before and I didn't want to be the reason that she felt the way she did. He graduated that quarter so there was no connection to him at all, it wasn't until 8 months later when I ran into him at a bar and he told me that he broke up with her 6 months before that. He told me later that she was sure that I was still around even after he graduated, although she had no proof, there were no calls/texts oh his phone, no emails no nothing. I didn't want to talk to him because I didn't want to cause problems. I'm sure that she sees it differently than I do. So I understand how she would be hurt and mad 1 year later. She is not the bad person here. Your current "boyfriend" is the one with the problem. He is the one who created this situation. Taking advantage of her for the kegs was wrong and I'd honestly tell him "dude, you took advantage of her, which is wrong in itself, and then you put me second place, which is wrong too. Honestly, you aren't fair to both of us. Treat her with more respect, even if it means hurting her, and never put me second again." I know he is to blame for part of it, I know he ended the relationship with her badly but she is not completely innocent in all of this, she had herself convinced that he was cheating with me even when I was no where to be found. She couldn't believe that he wasn't cheating, she even emailed me and asked if I had talked to him since he had graduated and I told her no that I had no reason to keep in contact with him, but of course she didn't believe me. He didn't take advantage of her for the kegs, actually he didn't talk to her at all it was all her talking to Jake. I was there for a few of the conversations so I know she was talking to Jake and not Matt. Jake doesn't see the problem with keeping her around for beer as long as Matt isn't the one to talk to her because he knows that would piss me off. Matt did know what was going on, and so did I, but neither of us stopped it. I did tell Matt that I was afraid that she would want to show up but he said that she wouldn't want to see all of his friends. I guess I was right, but I believed him when he said she wouldn't want to be there.
oppath Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Ok, now I have more information. Sorry for being presumptuous.
D-Lish Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 It's still a frustrating situation. I guess in some way- he was trying to protect you- but he handled it all wrong. It sounds as if she might have started something with you if you had been there, and he wanted to avoid that happening for your sake. I'd be angry too. I guess you have to figure out if you can forgive and move forward with him. I am sure he didn't do this on purpose to hurt you- but he still hurt you nonetheless. I guess if you want to get over this you will have to accept that his motivation behind asking you to bow out from the party were not done to hurt- but to protect. Yes, he went about it the wrong way- and hopefully he sees that now and will try to make it up to you by showing how much you mean to him.
Author beachlover Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 Everything is getting better. I finally got the chance to see him and talk to him a few days ago, he understands that he hurt me and he knows how I feel about everything. While we were together Melissa started to text him asking where he was, etc. Apparently she thinks that she can get back into his life again now that she was allowed to show up at this party. I have a feeling that she is going to be a problem now. He doesn't think that she still has feelings for him and doesn't see a problem being friends (he swears that he doesn't have feelings for her anymore), but I am willing to bet that she still has feelings for him. I have a feeling she will be a problem between us He did promise that I would be at the next party even if she is planning on showing up, maybe once she sees me with him she will get the hint that she isn't getting him back, or maybe I am being hopeful? The other thing is that Jake has every intention of using her to get beer for as long as she will let him, and there is nothing I can do about it.
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