beachlover Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I have been "dating" Matt for almost a year now (minus a 3-4 month break last spring). He got out of a horrible relationship right before we started dating a year ago so he doesn't want the title of boyfriend and girlfriend because he is afraid he will get hurt again. All of that is fine with me about 99% of the time, tonight is one exception. Matt and Jake (his best friend) are throwing a Christmas Party, Matt's ex (Melissa) heard about it through some mutual friends and told Jake that she would get them free kegs through her work, so he accepted the offer. Melissa had said that she had other plans for tonight so they weren't worried about her showing up to the party. Well she called Jake last night and asked if she was invited because her other party fell through. I was sitting right there and Jake told her that it wasn't a good idea because Matt didn't want her there because he was seeing someone else so she needed to back off. She went off about getting them kegs and all this **** and said that she is going to show up with her friends anyway. Jake kept trying to tell her that she shouldn't come but she wouldn't listen. Matt and I were sitting there talking a while later and he said that he thinks it would be a good idea for me to not come to the party because Melissa is immature and will just cause problems with me and he knew that there was no convincing her to not show up. I got pissed off that I was all of a sudden uninvited because Melissa invited herself. Matt said that he was trying to protect me from her and basically called Melissa a heinous bitch and said she would definitely start a fight with me and probably go after my car or whatever else she could get to. I ended up agreeing not to go but I was pissed off. So guys my question is would you have done the same thing in this situation or what would you have done?
jerbear Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 hmm... sounds immature and can't defend himself in a heated conflict. He is concerned about your safety but I think he is more concerned about the party and beer. I also think he is trying to avoid conflicts and get the party going versus keeping you happy by making it up to you later. Not to discourage you, if you can deal in not being #1 and in this case past #3, bro, beer, ex..., then by all means stay put. In my opinion, this requires a chat if not an endgame.
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Okay- It is understandable that your bf would want to protect you. However, it doesn't sit well with me that he would rather sit back and allow her to control the situation rather than man up and put an end to the nonsense she is creating. If he is uninviting you- then he shouldn't be going either. That is the bottom line. It doesn't matter how close he is to the host- he should be on your side- always....ALWAYS. Do you have a right to be pissed? Oh yes. SO you're telling me your holiday party is ruined because the ex has decided to come to the party? That's not okay. If you want to make an impact- let your feelings be known and then make plans to go out and have a kick ass time with your friends.... AND be unavailable to talk the next day. Forget that- you should come first- and you should be at that party.
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 what the frigg is going on with this site lately? So many tech difficulties.
jerbear Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 If he is uninviting you- then he shouldn't be going either. That is the bottom line. It doesn't matter how close he is to the host- he should be on your side- always....ALWAYS. If you want to make an impact- let your feelings be known and then make plans to go out and have a kick ass time with your friends.... AND be unavailable to talk the next day. Forget that- you should come first- and you should be at that party. Agreed on going to do your thing, letting your feelings known, you should come first, and he should be on your side. In this case he could have stood up, been a man, you two could have made a cameo then leave without beer. oh well...
Author beachlover Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Thanks for the quick responses. He can't really not go because he is one of the hosts, it is just being held at Jakes house. I am pissed off at him and he knows it. I told him not to call me for a ride home and if I hear from anyone that she gave him a ride home I am done. I went and made plans tonight, it just so happens that some of my guy friends are throwing a party so I am heading over there in a few minutes, and no I am not going to make him jealous, I am going because my friends are all going to be there. I am flying out of town for Christmas tomorrow so he won't get to see me until next weekend. I don't even know what else to say to him, he knows what I think about the situation and that's all I can do at this point.
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Well, I know it isn't any sort of consolation- but you are in the right here. There is no doubt about that. You have every right to blow a gasket! I would be livid. I am impressed you have remained so calm. I think it is that calmness and "whatever" attitude that will make him miss you like crazy. I think he'll call you tonight, and I think your phone should be off. Keep us posted.
Legend Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I think it is that calmness and "whatever" attitude that will make him miss you like crazy. Gonna have to disagree D-lish, I hate when girls act with a whatever/aloof attitude.
Author beachlover Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Well, I know it isn't any sort of consolation- but you are in the right here. There is no doubt about that. You have every right to blow a gasket! I would be livid. I am impressed you have remained so calm. I think it is that calmness and "whatever" attitude that will make him miss you like crazy. I think he'll call you tonight, and I think your phone should be off. Keep us posted. Thanks D-Lish, I thought I was right with this whole thing but I didn't know of a better way to handle it. I wouldn't exactly say I am calm, I am pissed off at him and more so at her because she was flat out told he is not interested anymore and she doesn't seem to get it. It is 1:20am here and he hasn't called yet, my phone won't be off because I never turn it off but if he calls I won't be answering it. I told him I was going to go out without him since I was uninvited, he would be pretty stupid to think that I would actually answer a call from him tonight. I would consider answering him tomorrow before I leave because I don't want to be pissed at him for the next week while I am out of town. Gonna have to disagree D-lish, I hate when girls act with a whatever/aloof attitude. So what exactly would you recommend I do in this situation, since you don't think I should have a whatever attitude towards it... I am not trying to sound rude but I am honestly curious.
Legend Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 First things first, no games. Call me crazy... but no matter how you justify to yourself that you're gonna go to a party with your guy friends, it'll look like a game to any guy, and look like you're trying to get back. Well, I'd tell you to tell him that it's really bothering you. Hell, offer to buy some kegs yourself. Do whatever it takes to attend the party, and make sure she doesn't. If she does, then stand your ground. Tell him you dont care what she says. Cause by him telling you not to go, it sounds like he might still have feelings in weird way, and think he might be able to rekindle something. I don't really know. There's a few possibilities, I don't want you getting all worried since I don't really know him or you. I just can't see a reason for a guy allowing his ex to come to a party, and then uninviting his current girlfriend. just a tad out of the norm.
Quinch Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 If my girl can't go to a party, I don't go. It's that simple.
BlueEyedSarah Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 beachlover, Your story does not sound good - I'm sorry but it sounds like he still has feelings for he's ex which is why he uninvited you.
brothermartin Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Ok. What he should have done was turned down her offer for free beer the moment she pulled that s**t. Thats all she was trying to do in the first place, trying to get her foot back in the door. If she had shown up anyway, I would have asked a few female friends to promptly escort her from the property or called the police to do it. Free beer isn't worth losing a relationship over and if he had told his friends about this from the start they would have understood.
jerbear Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Let him worry about your displeasure with his actions while you go on your trip. He can still call and when he does; tell him how you feel in one sentence and you two will discuss the issue later. Apparently, you like him and his actions are desirable and seems that his harbouring feelings for ex-beer.
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Gonna have to disagree D-lish, I hate when girls act with a whatever/aloof attitude. Why is it so confusing. If you're too calm it's not good- but if you're mad it's not good because they think you're crazy and emotional...
Dynamo Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 If my girl can't go to a party, I don't go. It's that simple. I agree. If I couldn't take whoever I was with to a party, I wouldn't even want to go. I'd rather spend time with her then a bunch of drunks at a Christmas party, anyways.
Jilly Bean Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I think it's one of two things going on here. 1 - he is a pussy who can't man up to tell her to screw off and they will buy their own kegs, and if she shows up, she will be escorted off the premises. 2 - he still has feelings for her, and wants you out of the picture so he can explore this. Like D said, I'd be WAY pissed. He's basically choosing his ex over his current. And that wouldn't fly with the Bean...
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I think it's one of two things going on here. 1 - he is a pussy who can't man up to tell her to screw off and they will buy their own kegs, and if she shows up, she will be escorted off the premises. 2 - he still has feelings for her, and wants you out of the picture so he can explore this. Like D said, I'd be WAY pissed. He's basically choosing his ex over his current. And that wouldn't fly with the Bean... I am anxious to find out what today brings. I don't know if I would be so forgiving of this guy- that action might almost be a breaking up factor for me.
Jilly Bean Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I am anxious to find out what today brings. I don't know if I would be so forgiving of this guy- that action might almost be a breaking up factor for me. Agreed, girl. It would be a total deal-breaker for me to be so disrespected. Actions speak louder than words...
3rdI Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Agreed, girl. It would be a total deal-breaker for me to be so disrespected. Actions speak louder than words... Agreed. If you want to know where a man's heart is, watch his feet.
Author beachlover Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Thanks everyone I can see how it looks like he still has feelings for his ex but knowing him I would be really surprised if that were the case. I know it's possible but I don't think that's what's going on for several reasons that I don't want to type out right now. I do know that she still has feelings for him and she basically went around him to his best friend who took the offer for free beer. Jake thought she had other plans for last night so he figured he would be off the hook as far as her showing up and the whole thing backfired on him. Legend- The party I went to last night was a Christmas party thrown by some of my guy friends, all of whom Matt has met. He knew that I had told my friends that I wasn't going to their party because I was going to Matt's, so I'm sure he knows exactly where I went last night. You can think all you want that I was doing it to get back at Matt but that was not what I was doing. I haven't heard from him, I'm sure he is still sleeping, I'm leaving in 4 hours so we'll see what happens. I'll keep you all updated. Thanks again for all of the responses
Jilly Bean Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Whether or not he had feelings for her is really irrelevant. Bottom line, he has chosen her company over yours. Even if everything he says is true, that he is worried she will get violent or trash your car, he's still a major weinie for letting her come between you, and for not standing up for himself, and his relationship with you. THAT would piss me off more than anything. But, I think its obvious that there is more going on with her than you think. When push came to shove, and she re-appeared, he threw you to the curb in order to have her attend the party. What does this tell you about his feelings for all parties involved? And you still haven't heard from him at 2PM? Hmmm...
oppath Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 (edited) Considering this girl provided the kegs, she should be allowed to come. She'd have a right to be pissed too. Regardless of her intentions, if your bf and friend are accepting her kegs, they are taking advantage of her. She should be allowed to attend and it is outrageous to suggest she can't. If that is what your bf and friend feel, they shouldn't be taking advantage of her for the kegs, period. The best way to handle it would have been for your bf to say "I have a girlfriend, and she will be there. I've been dating her for a year. Will you be comfortable with that?" And then see what she has to say. Your boyfriend and friend presume to feel she will cause drama -- and maybe she will -- I'd cause drama if I run into one ex of mine -- but you just don't know. As for you being uninvited, absolutely not. I would have said "I deserve to be a priority. There is no reason I can't be there. I will be friendly to your ex. If she causes ****, you and Jake can ask her to leave, but it's not going to hurt me to see her and meet her. She can't hurt me. What's she going to do, say something to hurt my feelings? If she makes a scene, that is all on her." I'd recommend you identify 5, non angry words, about how you truly FEEL. Such as "I feel INVISIBLE," because that is one of the things I would feel. Communicate those words to him. He'll have no defense if you feel invisible, small, unimportant, 3rd place, etc. He needs to know how his actions make you feel those things. This would be a deal breaker for me. My last gf basically dumped me because she wasn't including me in some of her life, the life that included some of her ex's friends and ultimately her ex, and I pushed. She wasn't ready to include me because HIS feelings came before mine. You have to be the one willing to walk away if he is unwilling to stand up for you. Edited December 23, 2007 by oppath
D-Lish Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I would have though you would have heard from him by now. ??
Author beachlover Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 He finally called at about 1:30. He asked what I did last night, I told him he should know exactly what I did, he asked if I got drunk and I told him I did, he wasn't thrilled but I don't care. He asked if I was okay and I told him no, so he asked what he could do and I said that he can't do a whole lot now and that he should have taken care of it yesterday. He told me that Melissa showed up with 3 of her friends and they only stayed for about an hour. I didn't know what to say to that so I just said ok. He knows I am flying out tonight so he asked if he could come drive me to the airport, I asked why he wants to and he said that he doesn't want me mad at him for the next week, I told him that he could come get me but not to expect everything to be better just because he is coming to get me. I'll be curious to see what he has to say for himself. oppath- I agree with you, I don't see why both of us couldn't be at the party. She knows that he is seeing someone else, but she has no idea who I am because she thinks that he cheated on her with me, which is not the case at all. I don't care if she were to show up but I am pissed that I was asked not to come because she was going to. I am not that easily threatened, she can say all she wants to me and it won't bother me, if she went after my car or after me physically then I would be pissed.
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