Phoenix11 Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 My saga began with Online Dating no pic...then sent pic....he likes...great. We just firmed up plans for date on Saturday....early movie, dinner, drinks....good so far, but he wants to end the night at my house sitting by the fireplace cuddling...so he says. Sounds romantic, and it is what I want, but just not on the first date. This is our first face to face meeting, and I'm not comfortable bringing someone I just met for the first home. Am I being a prude. How can I tell him my feelings without ruining everything? It took us so long to get to this point.
Legend Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 Wow sounds like a psycho to me. DO NOT bring him to your house on the first date, second date, and MAYBE the third lol. Just tell him you gotta be up early for work or something and should end the night after drinks. Come up with some excuse, or flat out tell him you aren't comfortable with it, and see how that works for ya. I don't think you're being a prude, but hell, i wouldn't bring someone I just met online back to my place either.
Green Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 hmmm theres really know way to tell him that your just going to have to... gasp... sleep with him
Jilly Bean Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 Youre not being a prude, youre being SMART. If he's suggesting snuggling by the fireplace on the first date, I'm thinking hes out to score.
clandestinidad Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 I think you know that its not the safest or wisest decision to bring a stranger to your home...or work...or any place that you frequent. You never know what kind of psycho the person might be (and remember that even psychos can seem like wonderful people). There are also people who find ways to get inside peoples' homes to find out if there's an alarm, and see if there's anything worth stealing. If strangers know where you live or work, or any information about you or someone you know it can be very dangerous. At the end of the night you will have spent about 5 hours with this person. That's certainly not long enough to know much about him. Please keep yourself safe and don't worry about what people might think. Trust yourself I wouldn't even let the guy pick me up or take me back home until there has been quite a bit of time spent talking and/or dating.
oppath Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 This is why you shouldn't talk to someone for 2+ months online, off a dating site, before meeting. In his mind, you might already have a mini relationship. He also might just want to score. You simply don't know. But by talking every day for that period of time, all you are doing is setting yourself up for something like this.
Touche Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 I think you know that its not the safest or wisest decision to bring a stranger to your home...or work...or any place that you frequent. You never know what kind of psycho the person might be (and remember that even psychos can seem like wonderful people). There are also people who find ways to get inside peoples' homes to find out if there's an alarm, and see if there's anything worth stealing. If strangers know where you live or work, or any information about you or someone you know it can be very dangerous. At the end of the night you will have spent about 5 hours with this person. That's certainly not long enough to know much about him. Please keep yourself safe and don't worry about what people might think. Trust yourself I wouldn't even let the guy pick me up or take me back home until there has been quite a bit of time spent talking and/or dating.[/QUOTE] How much time are we talking about?
oppath Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 How much time are we talking about? As a guy, if I've been talking to a girl for 2+ months online, and we finally meet, I'm probably going to expect more than a quick coffee. Phoenix, what are your timelines? It sounds like you want to go really really slow, and that is fine, it's just that few men will share your timetable. And I am not talking about sex. I can guarantee you that if I had been talking to a girl every day for over 2 months, I'm going to make a move on her when I see her. You don't need to accelerate anything, especially not in the bedroom. Do what you feel is comfortable through all phases of dating. But most men, after spending HOURS investing in a woman, will expect quality AND quantity time. This is why I advise 3-5 emails, maybe a brief phonecall to set up the logistics of a face to face meeting, where you meet for a brief amount of time (1 hour) and arrive and leave via your own transportation at a very public place. If that pace is something you are not comfortable with, that is fine, but it is the pace that most online daters are accustomed too. I for one wouldn't talk to someone online every day for > 2 months -- if they weren't willing to meet after 2-3 weeks I'd assume they lacked interest -- and if I did talk to them that intensely for that long, I would expect the evening to end with a snog.
clandestinidad Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 I think I missed something somewhere...have ya'll been talking online for 2 months or something?? And to clarify what I meant about how much time....I guess 3 dates, and a few (I'll randomly pick the number 4) lengthy (maybe an hour long) phonecalls. I can get a pretty good read on someone from that much time! I dont really know...it would probably vary from person to person. I thought the OP's date was going to be one of the first times they're going to talk or meet. That's what I interpreted from : no pic...then sent pic....he likes...great. We just firmed up plans for date on Saturday.
oppath Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 (edited) I thought the OP's date was going to be one of the first times they're going to talk or meet. That's what I interpreted from : Yes, first time meeting, but from other posts I've inferred they've been talking every day in some medium -- email, IM, or phone -- for 2 months. While that is not face to face time, it's very possible this man has greater expectations because he has invested lots of time, and most men would have greater expectations. If I invested that much time in a woman, if all we had was a 1-2 hour coffee I'd be a bit miffed. I personally see nothing wrong with him saying "it would be nice if we could cuddle at your house in front of the fire." It would say that he has been frustrated by things just now getting off the ground so he is trying to accelerate the process, thinking he is being romantic. He's not right but he's not wrong, either. Edited December 21, 2007 by oppath
Krytie TV Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 Am I being a prude. How can I tell him my feelings without ruining everything? It took us so long to get to this point. I apologize up front, but come on Phoenix. If you're going to do online dating and meet up with complete strangers, you really need to smarten up. You're a victim waiting to happen if you let complete strangers do these things. Oppath, you and I both know that the person someone is over email is nothing in comparison to in person. Even after 2 months you don't know someone from a freakin hole in the ground. Some people just scare me. I can't believe people make decisions like this on a daily basis. It's really scary.
Touche Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 I think I missed something somewhere...have ya'll been talking online for 2 months or something?? And to clarify what I meant about how much time....I guess 3 dates, and a few (I'll randomly pick the number 4) lengthy (maybe an hour long) phonecalls. I can get a pretty good read on someone from that much time! I dont really know...it would probably vary from person to person. I thought the OP's date was going to be one of the first times they're going to talk or meet. That's what I interpreted from : Yeah, I think it probably varies from person to person. You're so right about that. So after 4 one hour long calls though you think you can get a good read on a person? Hmmm, interesting.
oppath Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 I apologize up front, but come on Phoenix. If you're going to do online dating and meet up with complete strangers, you really need to smarten up. You're a victim waiting to happen if you let complete strangers do these things. Oppath, you and I both know that the person someone is over email is nothing in comparison to in person. Even after 2 months you don't know someone from a freakin hole in the ground. Some people just scare me. I can't believe people make decisions like this on a daily basis. It's really scary. Yes, I am aware of this. You don't know someone if you've dated them 3 times a week face to face for 2 months. However, it is PRESUMPTUOUS to assume he just wants sex. I personally feel that talking to someone that long before meeting is just asking for communication and expectation problems to occur. I'm not saying it is advisable, only that if you talk for that long with someone, you increase the chances of this very situation occurring. If you don't want the situation to occur, expedite the coffee date. In no way am I advocating meeting him in this situation but I think his request is mostly innocuous. He's probably trying to sound romantic. That does not make him right but I don't feel it is fair to presume anything negative about him from this.
clandestinidad Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 Aahhh...I see now. Thank you for clarifying that...I missed her previous thread. So I think its up to you and how you feel about the situation. Wait and see how your time together goes before giving much thought to the end of the date. I think it's a little presumptuous of him to suggest that before the date even starts, but I dont know ya'll or how things have been going thus far. I still stick by what I said earlier...I would drive myself to and from the date. There have been too many stories about what can happen to people when they meet someone they've been talking to on the internet. Plus, if you want the date to end you don't have to rely on him to get you home. And I'd have to play-it-by-ear on whether or not I'd want a new person to know where I live. That would mean he could stalk you or come by for a 'cuddle' at any time. jeez, I dont know....be safe and trust yourself As for what to tell him, I think if you drive yourself then you could wrap up the drink-time by saying "Well, I've had a great time with you. Its getting pretty late though, and I should get home. What do you think about going out again on ___?" or "when do you think we can go out again?" Or you could even add, "I know you mentioned going back to my place and cuddling, and I would love to do that with you. It sounds so sweet and relaxing...I'm just not ready to do that on our first date. What do you think about going out again on __?" But hell, if it's something you want to do that night then go for it!! Just dont worry about it right now since the date hasn't even started yet!!
clandestinidad Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 So after 4 one hour long calls though you think you can get a good read on a person? Hmmm, interesting Haha...no, not just that. We know how some people can lie lie lie and act like whoever they want to be. There would have to be a few multi-hour in-person dates too!
Trialbyfire Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 It is a little presumptuous but it would also depend on how presumptuous your convos have already been. If the situation makes you uncomfortable, just push him back a bit and explain where you'd prefer the evening to end. For all you know, you might find yourself unable to resist. It is better to be safe, rather than sorry or regretful.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 No, you are not being a prude but careful.. Remember this guy is still a stranger. Dont allow him in your home until you get to know him further. It sounds romantic but he has to realize you are a female and women have to be extra extra careful. I was watching Americas Most Wanted last night and it was showing ways to be careful when meeting someone whether its from the net, phone, or in public.. Get To learn more things about him. like his last name, where he stays, take a fun picture together.. from your phone.. Be keen to your surroundings! Dont just let a stranger over .. Your instincts are always your best instincts,... Be careful
compassion42 Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Hey Phoenix-some of the posts here got lost. I'm wondering how your date went and if you are safe? Please check in when you get a chance. Thanks!
Tony6 Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Tell him he's moving tooooooooo fast. Be firm. If he's not good with that, dump him.
Author Phoenix11 Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 Moderator, Administrator -- Can you restore missing posts please?
Author Phoenix11 Posted December 24, 2007 Author Posted December 24, 2007 Hey Phoenix-some of the posts here got lost. I'm wondering how your date went and if you are safe? Please check in when you get a chance. Thanks! I survived the date. Will fill you in when missing posts are restored, because some of the things I will share will make more sense if the complete history of this thread is intact. Compassion..Thank you for following up with me, and Have a Happy Holiday:)
SpanksTheMonkey Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Youre not being a prude, youre being SMART. If he's suggesting snuggling by the fireplace on the first date, I'm thinking hes out to score. I tend to agree with this poster on this one! Glad to see you finaly got the pic thing out of the way tho. So is this the 1st guy that you spent all that time talking to? If so he may have you to pegged as a couple already in his mind a bit. But on the other hand it can mean hes just looking for a easy pice of @ss sorry to say. Internet dateing is like playing lotto at the nut house! You never fully know what your going to end up with. Dose def sound like hes laying it on a bit to thick tho cuddeling beside the fire? Common you have to know that means more right? I don't have a good feeling about this one honestly. I would let things develop slower Simply tell him you want to take a bit of time getting to know eachother in real life as well. And see how he reacts to that hopefully he will respect your wishes. If hes cool with it then you may just have hit the jackpot and found a decent/sane man on line. But if he gets upset and pushes the issue of going back to your place then cancel the date and steer clear thats not a good sighn. What ever you do if you do go try and keep in a publick place at all times. Don't get in the car with him eather by yourself I don't care if he trys the we have knowen each other for a while now crap eather!
SpanksTheMonkey Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 I survived the date. Will fill you in when missing posts are restored, because some of the things I will share will make more sense if the complete history of this thread is intact. Compassion..Thank you for following up with me, and Have a Happy Holiday:) And this is why I should read right to the end before posting note to self lol You survived the date? That oh my dosent shound to great hope you are ok there?
mistieyed Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 My saga began with Online Dating no pic...then sent pic....he likes...great. We just firmed up plans for date on Saturday....early movie, dinner, drinks....good so far, but he wants to end the night at my house sitting by the fireplace cuddling...so he says. Sounds romantic, and it is what I want, but just not on the first date. This is our first face to face meeting, and I'm not comfortable bringing someone I just met for the first home. Am I being a prude. How can I tell him my feelings without ruining everything? It took us so long to get to this point. he should be understanding that you are being cautious - as a woman, you have to be. there are too many dangers - if he is willing to give up the potential relationship because you tell him no, you are better off without him. no man that cares about you will put you in a compromising position and will be understanding of your concerns. i am sure he will throw in the you know me routine, but knowing someone for a couple of years you don't always know them. just keep yourself safe, don't allow him to come over and don't go to his place. the first few dates should most definitely be public somewhere getting to know him in person - it is easy to hide behind a persona online. good luck.
shockandawed Posted December 24, 2007 Posted December 24, 2007 Phoenix, There was a note yesterday on here that alot of the posts from Saturday were permanently lost and unable to be recovered. Unfortunately, I don't think any of ours from Saturday will be coming back. Please, give us an update. I think most of us remember the story line. Glad to hear you survived..lol..
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