NuChance Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Well, we have been married 14 years. He wants out. I can't deny that we were heading for a divorce... but things really started to go to hell in a hand basket after I told him I refused to sign a Separation Agreement that would have me agreeing to settle for less that a 1/4 of the Equity of our condo. The deed is in my husbands name because at the time my credit was not that great. Still throughout the 14 years of marriage, I have paid for home repares, taxes, utilities...and basic up keep of our home. I have seen a lawyer who assures me I am entitled to more that what me husband was trying to get me to take. Since I have told him I want to have a lawyer to represent me, he first became belligerant (yelling aggressively) then sending me e-mail assuring me I would never win in a court case... Originally I was willing to see a freebie mediators (mediation service ..they charged nothing but were in training to be mediators) but once I saw the written documents were sketchy and saw it was all in his favor..at this point I decided let me get my own lawyer. One thing I will not do is move out. (financially it is not feasible and my lawyer has adamently told me not to) but neither is he...We live separate lives but no word is spoken between us. Until he files for divorce we are both enemies sharing the same domain. Each passing day, I find him a bit more vile. He deliberately lives more like a pig, because he knows I won't walk away from a dirty kitchen or piles of filthy laundry. If it weren't for me..there would be no toilet paper or cleaning suppplies...he's grown more unbearably disgusting. Have any of you been forced due to economics to living with a your partner before a divorce is resolved but under unpleasant circumsances?
Ronni_W Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I lived with my ex for a LONG time after. Even when both have really excellent intentions it is one helluva tough slog - the nature of it is such that there will be some unpleasant circumstances, of course, but under that one needs to know that there is still some type of mutual, er, mutuality (I just don't have a word that fully encompasses what I mean.) My guess is that your lawyer's advice is sound. Does s/he have some idea when it will be legally okay to make the move? With your ex's obvious animosity and hostile behaviour, I can't imagine how difficult it will be, on you -- mine didn't *really* act disgusting but sometimes I felt that way about him, anyway. How I got through my toughest times was a deep-down determination that I was NOT going to let this jerk stop me from my goal of staying on the high road and being the kind of ex-wife that I wanted to be. That goal was all I had left, it was MINE and he wasn't going to eff with it. This "strategy" did work for me. But like I said, we never had an open war zone. Best of luck.
LostHusband Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 I am living with my STBXW now, have been almost 2 months since I found out she was "done". It has been a hell of an ordeal, but in my case I think it is almost the opposite of yours. We use to not get along all that well, but it wasn't bad - we would fight/argue and then make up within hours. There wasn't a lot of emotional intimacy between us. Now that we are breaking up we get along better than ever. I feel a very strong love for my wife that is probably just fear of losing her. She tries not to go into "grouch mode" and we spend more time doing stuff together. Its actually very painful though - since all this is happening now and she just doesn't feel anything for me anymore, and now I am enjoying time with my wife so much but have to remember it will all soon end. And anytime a small fight starts up or she gets angry with me I go into complete turtle mode and just cower away - which is just not me. I'm not sure I can take it much more - when I am with her everything seems fine, but when she's gone the pain just comes back. She plans to move this spring but I really don't think I can make it that long - I'm going to have to find a way for her to move myself, don't know how I will feel about that though.
Author NuChance Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 There was some sort of glitch on LoveShack so a post that had been a reply to my thread was lost. But whoever had replied mentioned something I rathered agreed with, that perhaps my STBX belligerent and anger towards me could also be due to him having another outside relationship. He takes off every weekend and stays away for three or four days and nights. (I'm not complaining because it's the only reprieve I have from feeling of animosity while under the same roof)...Anyway he did me the same luxury of leaving for this Christmas weekend..but come Saturday morning I received via special delivery The Petition For Divorce. Nice guy that he has it done this Christmas weekend. I was pretty rattled at first because, I've never received divorce papers and second I panicked. All sorts of panic thoughts raced through my mind..what if? Will I lose my home to him? And being that it was Saturday I freaked about not being able to contact my lawyer..Which meant having to possibly wait till Wednesday... I managed to calm down after talking with supportive cousin and best friend. On hindsight the papers were a Christmas gift..at least to get things in motion..and now he won't be eager to drag things out just as he had threatened in order to run up lawyer fees.. Fortunately on Monday (yes Christmas Eve) my lawyer was in is office, told me to bring the papers in and try my best to have a good Christmas.. I tried..Today after spending a quiet Christmas with my best friend. I had no energy to attend a huge family gathering..I see that my STTBX has the audacity to send me a text message: Merry Christmas! Joy and Peace. WTF?
bestadvisor Posted December 26, 2007 Posted December 26, 2007 There was some sort of glitch on LoveShack so a post that had been a reply to my thread was lost. But whoever had replied mentioned something I rathered agreed with, that perhaps my STBX belligerent and anger towards me could also be due to him having another outside relationship. I believe that I was the one who mentioned that and it makes sense that he's being nasty to justify his action and and make the seperation easier internally for himself and his guilt. He takes off every weekend and stays away for three or four days and nights. Most likely at the OW's place or some romantic get aways. What did you think those missing days were before I mentioned to you that he was possibly having an affair? I see that my STTBX has the audacity to send me a text message: Merry Christmas! Joy and Peace. WTF? Here is a list of possibilities that the did that: 1) To rub it in your face (because he knew you got served with divorce paper). 2) To appear to be nice so you won't fight hard with him on the divorce in dividing assets. 3) He really meant it. After all, those 5 words are not that personal anyway.
Author NuChance Posted December 26, 2007 Author Posted December 26, 2007 I believe that I was the one who mentioned that and it makes sense that he's being nasty to justify his action and and make the seperation easier internally for himself and his guilt. Most likely at the OW's place or some romantic get aways. What did you think those missing days were before I mentioned to you that he was possibly having an affair? Here is a list of possibilities that the did that: 1) To rub it in your face (because he knew you got served with divorce paper). 2) To appear to be nice so you won't fight hard with him on the divorce in dividing assets. 3) He really meant it. After all, those 5 words are not that personal anyway. Oh I wasn't naive enough to think that he was just going to a Holiday Inn on these long weekends for business...but only when he became increasingly each passing week aggressive towards me when he was at home or simply withdrawing when he was at home..had his dissapearance become a welcomed thing to look forward to. Regardless what he did outside was not going to make me forfeit my financial rights to the equity in our home. Besides I still had my work, my family and activities to do. Even this past Christmas I still put up my tree and celebrated as much as I could the spirit of Christmas. Yes, the three (meanings of the text) that you gave were pretty much what I came up with as well.... I did not answer it back..because it would be disingenuous on my part and if he meant it sincerely, one would think he would have waited till after Christmas to serve divorce papers..it felt like a passive aggressive action. My personality towards him has never been aggressive..it's more remain passive remain passive...If he yells or becomes sarcastic..I simply want to back away...and not be drawn into a battle... Now that it's officially in the works....living under the roof with him will without a doubt be a test of my ability to remain civil. Bills still need to paid and upkeep of our apartment untill all is resolved. I have to manage communicating with him just regarding that and nothing more.
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