Zero Degrees Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 If you told me this time last year I'd be where I am today I'd have laughed my head off and wet myself. Here's a quick and brief lowdown... June 06 - Colleague gets married having been with her for 12 years. I had just split up with my fiance and I'm in pieces. Envy my colleague Mr X getting married as it looks like he had the perfect relationship. October 06 - Mr X and me become mates and start talking every day. He becomes a great support network for me as I split with my fiance. Throughout the coming months our friendship blossoms and we become extremely good mates that get on really well. Fast forward to December 07... I am now dating married man Mr X and the relationship with Mr T only lasted 3 months or so. Mr X split up with Mrs X in February 07 and moved out, they were due to start trying for a baby and he realised he couldn't have a kid with her. They had grown apart. I've gotten very close to Mr X and our romantic relationship only kicked off after his split. He says he never felt for her the way he feels for me and the marriage part of their relationship was a progression that never should have happened. He regrets getting married. It wasn't a flash in the pan thing as they were together for 12 years, but the actual marriage part only lasted about 7/8 months! Mr X is waaaaay in to me and all my mates see it to. He looks after me, calls and texts me regularly and I can just tell from the way he looks at me that he's in love with me and would do anything to make me happy. I'm just scared that if he can let a 12 year relationship go that this is a flash in the pan for him. I know with a bit more time he'd love to marry me. He's 32 and I'm 24 but after my engagement and his break up I don't know whether I could get married. I know it's early days and things can change. My problem is.... with time can I marry a man knowing he'd made the same promises to someone else and didn't keep them? Has anyone else married a divorcee and found with time their opinions have changed? I just have a slight hang up with him being married before.....
Woggle Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 It would depend on the reason for the divorce. My wife is not a divorcee but if she was with the same qualities she has now yes I would have married her. I could not picture her giving up somebody without a damn good reason.
Author Zero Degrees Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 They just weren't in love with one another anymore. No affairs no violence. This is why I can't justify their split in my head. They were constantly arguing and didn't want to go home because of it. He then made the decision not to have kids and bring them up in an angry household where the kids were the soul reason the parents were together.
Woggle Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 At least he had the deceny to end a bad situation before innocent kids were brought into it.
dropdeadlegs Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I would marry him. There are never any guarantees in love or marriage, and there is always a certain element of risk. Without knowing either of you, my prediction would be that you might "grow apart" from him before he does from you. The only reason I say that is because the 20's are a period of tremendous growth for most men and women. By the 30's and 40's most people have a much clearer vision of how they want their life to progress. It is somewhat common for a long term relationship to be taken to the next level and not work out. I'm sure there was a lot of pressure to get married, but it appears that they did it for the wrong reasons. I would bet that the growing apart problems were already well in progress by the wedding day. Sometimes people believe that a wedding, or worse a child, can salvage a relationship, but it rarely works out that way. It's good that you are trying to figure out where you stand with the situation now, but don't fret too much. If he asks you to marry him you will know the right thing to do for you. Out of curiosity, have you expressed this concern to him? It might help to hear him explain why you should trust him when he didn't keep vows to another.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I would prefer to marry a divorced man than a man never married. A DM knows what marriage is like and if ready to go another round, than he knows what to expect. A SM doesn't know what marriage is like and therefore, can be selfish, stubborn and non-committable. How old are you both? If 20's no worries, if 30's okay, but never married and in the 40's - I may see flags.
Author Zero Degrees Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 I'm 24 he's 32 and I'm not like your average 24 yr old. A lot of my mates are older. I'm a lot more settled too. I can understand your concerns re being at different points in our lives but I don't 'feel' he's older than me and we both want to settle down at some point etc. I'm just in no rush for kids. I have expressed how I feel and he knows I couldn't marry him yet in fear of being his seconds. I'm sure it's kind of off putting knowing this person promised these vows in the past to somebody else. He is a good guy. I have yet to introduce him to my brother who is a little concerned about the age difference and the fact he's divorced. He's just being a typical older brother. I don't think 8 years is much, especially when men mature later.
sumdude Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Everyone is different and every divorce is unique. I am recently divorced, it was my wife's choice to leave me and our marriage wheras I was ready and willing to make it work. From my point of view if things really are right with someone in the future I see no reason within myself that I can't commit again. I'll be a lot more selective that's for sure. Anyone seeing my ex wife... well I would say she may have habit of running away from things... this goes to her past before me as well. Bottom line... take your time. Only you will know whether or not it can work. Keep your eyes open for flags. The fact that both of you were splitting from long term, major relationshipos at the same time is something to consider. Just be very patient and see where it leads... hopefully your both not rebounding and time will tell. As far as the age difference.. I think 8 years is pretty natural. A lot of the succesful marriages I see have the man 5 - 10 years older than the woman. I think it's something to do with maturity and the way our bodies change.
amerikajin Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I don't think divorce per se is a deal breaker; it depends on other circumstances at the time. The guy was with his lady for 12 years, so that's proof that he can stay in one place at least. I guess the only concern I have in your case is the time between the end of his relationship and the beginning of yours. I'm just wondering if he's had enough time to process the end of his previous relationship. That process can take a while, especially if he's been with her for 12 years. I'm sure he has nothing but the best of intentions but sometimes relationships can be complicated. I'm not saying don't go through with it, but maybe take your time. Don't rush into marriage with him just yet.
Jilly Bean Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 First of all, remember that the way they come to you, is the way they will go out on you. So, if cheated on his wife with you, or left her and then immediately took up with you, bet for sure he will treat you the same. This is a guy who can't be alone. Period. Beyond that, I think although he is totally all over you now, that you are the rebound girl, of sorts. I think anyone who walks out of a 12-year relationship and subsequent marriage has a few issues, and would probably have been better off spending some time alone and learning about themselves.
polywog Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 As to what I can tell about the specifics in your case, I agree with everything Jilly Bean said, above. But in general, it just depends upon the "divorcee" and how well they know themselves, how much they learned from their first marriage. Some people can be married for years and not be a good, whole partner in a relationship. It depends on where they are in their emotional life and how well they know and accept themselves or love themselves, if you will. Someone who doesn't know themselves or want to grow in a relationship won't make a good spouse whether they've been divorced or not. I'm leery of divorced people who constantly blame their ex and don't examine their part in a marriage ending. Likewise, someone who only blames him/herself and doesn't look at what their spouse did is also not cool. A mature person looks at (or tries to understand) the whole picture and isn't afraid to be accountable. God, this sounds preachy and pompous, but it's how I see it.
mortensorchid Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 Honestly, I've been out with divorced guys before. And used men are better. They've already gotten all that foolishness out of their systems, they know a good woman when they see it, and there is never this fear behind them that I have experienced with other men who have never been married.
Trialbyfire Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 Who's Mr.T? Not the guy from the A-Team, I hope... The timing of his split with his wife is suspect, if correlated to the timing of his closer relationship with yourself. I suspect your friendship, vampired emotions from the primary relationship. Is he a good bet? I would say no. Once a cheater, always a cheater...
sumdude Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 But in general, it just depends upon the "divorcee" and how well they know themselves, how much they learned from their first marriage. Some people can be married for years and not be a good, whole partner in a relationship. It depends on where they are in their emotional life and how well they know and accept themselves or love themselves, if you will. Someone who doesn't know themselves or want to grow in a relationship won't make a good spouse whether they've been divorced or not. I'm leery of divorced people who constantly blame their ex and don't examine their part in a marriage ending. Likewise, someone who only blames him/herself and doesn't look at what their spouse did is also not cool. A mature person looks at (or tries to understand) the whole picture and isn't afraid to be accountable. God, this sounds preachy and pompous, but it's how I see it. Very true though. Divorce is hard to go through and should make someone do some pretty serious soul searching.
Author Zero Degrees Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Thanks for your responses everyone. It will take a lot of soul searching and time to distinguish whether I can A. marry him in time after him already having done it and B. Whether I can trust him not to do the same thing to me. If I can't get to B then there is nothing there anyway as a relationship is built on trust.
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