kittensmittens Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 So... I had been posting on here a lot about my break up when I first broke up w/ my bf nearly 6 mos ago, ducked out for a little bit, then the heartache punched me in the gut again so I came back on here and posted my heart out....then spontaneously needed to break away again. And now here I am and I'm definitely in a different place mentally. I still miss him a lot. But lately...I don't know. I've been ok w/ going out, flirting with guys, dating....just having fun. I definitely feel stronger. I still haven't come across anyone who can compare to my ex yet, but I don't let myself get stuck on that thought anymore. I think a lot of what I miss is just being in a relationship. Not to minimize the specifics about him that may always remain irreplaceable, but I really do think a lot of what I miss is just having that constant companion. But I'm at least at place where I can go out and have fun. I've found that there's less emotion when I talk about him and I don't feel the need to talk (or think) about him all the time anymore. In fact, sometimes, I realize I'm talking about him again more out of habit than anything else. Sometimes, I remind myself that this is not a place I chose to be and if I could go back and change the course of events so that I could wake up today and be as in love with him as I ever was, and he with me, I would. But this thinking sets me back in my progress and I remember that this is just life. Plans fall apart. Things change. People change. Sh*t happens. You can either sit around and dwell on what should have been or make today what it can be. At least this is what I've come to realize, for myself. Anyway....this all sounds good right? Well the ex keeps on emailing me. (He has someone new, btw. And I found out who she is and she appears to be perfect for him. Yes, it killed me at first, now it just bugs me a little and then I get on with my day. He hasn't told me he has someone new though.) He emailed several months back to tell me "he still cares what happens to me" and wanted to know how I am, how my mom is, etc. Stupid me, I write back and pour my heart out. He wrote back that that wasn't what he expected (still no mention of the gf). I never wrote back. I don't know what his agenda was, but he has proven himself VERY untrustworthy--as well as manipulative--in the past. I wanted to write back and tell him off for everything he's ever done but I just decided to let it go and didn't expect to hear from him ever again. Well....being the big baby that he is, he just can't stand being ignored. So he emailed me again--totally out of the blue--a little over a week ago. He wrote to 'apologize', but this just reeks of manipulation. I have mixed feelings as to whether I WANT to believe it's sincere or not.....but I have a hard time believing it IS. See, I really do think now that he just wants to make sure I'm out there pining over him. I think he needs to know that, just in case this current relationship falls through, he's got someone to run to and keep him from being alone. He also can't stand to be ignored, which he proved beyond doubt right after we broke up and he told me "it's over!"....so I stopped calling....only to be contacted 2 weeks later by him, wimpering and wondering why I hadn't called. Pathetic! And he's proving it again now. He emailed me to "apologize" for all the things he's realizing "only now" that he did. He still wants to "know me" (still no mention of the gf), "even though we're not together". Way too little, way too late. So he sends another email 2 days later telling me "oh yeah, and happy late b-day." I still don't reply and he sends another one the next day saying, "look, I know what I did and I'm really sorry" and goes into a bunch of trivial sh*t....almost as if he's trying to persuade me that that's the worst of what he's done to me (and I'm afraid it isn't!). I still don't reply and....surprise! I get ANOTHER email about 4 days later (yesterday). Wanting to know if I'm ignoring him (gee ya think??). Apologizing a little bit more (weakly) and almost demanding that I accept the apology. So now I'm just sitting here waiting for email #5. Oh and still no mention of the gf, btw. I really hate this. It's hard. I imagine this is how ghosts feel when loved ones are trying to talk to them. I want to scream "I'm here, I'm here!" and catch up on everything, and hear his voice, and make him laugh, and I can't. I just can't. He's not in my life anymore. I miss him....I miss talking to him. He was my best friend and so far, he's still up there as the love of my life. But I've come so far. I know talking to him will set me back. And it will give him whatever he's wanting and if it really is just forgiveness, I'm not ready to give him that. There's no excuse for the things he did to me, most of which he STILL has not apologized for. It's also really hard not to email him back and just blast him. There's so much he deserves...no...NEEDS to hear....but it's like dealing w/ a 3 year old. I think he just wants attention of any kind at this point. So I have to stay strong. I'm honestly surprised at myself. I can't believe that I am this strong. His first of the most recent emails came the night before the biggest final I've ever taken in my life (I'm not kidding, it was HORRIBLE). It completely caught me off guard, I hadn't studied yet, my head was reeling for about 5 hours when I should have been studying, and I still made a B in the class. I'm stronger than him!!! I'm still single and I'm not dead b/c of it. I didn't explode and my head didn't fall off. I don't think he can go a day without someone holding his hand. Haha. Anyway....sorry this is so long. It's been a while since I last posted and I think I just need some moral support right now. If anyone reads this, thanks.
JustinWolf Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I don't know your full story but I can tell you, you have been really strong up t'ill now. So why not just keep on being strong. I think that, that guy just wants to be guilt-free, know how you are feeling. The moment you are going to let him know, he migh just leave again and you'll be back to where you started so, just keep ignoring him, you've been really strong and seem to be doing a lot better. Keep doing that, I know it's hard but you've managed so far, something I have a hard time doing. Keep being busy and always thinking of your happiness and for the ones that truly care for you. Good luck!
Author kittensmittens Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Thanks, justinwolf. He sent another one yesterday. He's getting more demanding that I accept his apology. I dunno....I really have been doing better, but today and yesterday have just been....hard. I really want christmas to just be over with. I just saw pictures of them online together. They're cute, romantic pictures of them twirling around under christmas lights and they look adorable together. He has apparently made a lot of changes for her/in himself that he never would make for me. So that has me feeling pretty crappy too. I don't understand why he has to go and email me. It can't be because he's actually a human being afterall... I don't want to be someone he just distantly cares about. I don't want to be just another ex. I was with him waaay longer than anyone....that's gotta count for something right? I want him to feel sadness everytime he thinks about me, not just a little bit of vague curiosity about my life or where I am, etc. I don't want his emails to be sincere. That might mean I've lost the person I've been missing, not the person I'm better off without. And I don't want some crappy little apology for putting up w/ his sh*t for so long. I want the person his new gf has now. I still don't trust his motives though and I'm still resisting replying to him. I don't cry much over him these days, but toay was a bad day. Need some more support....
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