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What if I never really loved my husband as more than anything but a friend?

QuiteReceptive

By QuiteReceptive
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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dreaming4ever Established Member

dreaming4ever

Posted
Posted

Wow,

I am astounded that you have been with your husband for 8 years. The reason I say this is that I just ended a relationship that went on for 2 years where I felt the same way as you. With us, we talked on msn for hours and hours before we met and so I was attached to him already but then when I met him I wasn't really physically attracted but he was so excited about us and so sweet that I continued the relationship anyways. Clearly, not a good idea. You just end up feeling guilty and try to avoid sex and hating yourself for noticing other guys even though you have someone really sweet and nice at home.

 

This type of relationship can NOT work. Trust me. No, I wasn't in mine as long as you but what happens is that you find yourself automatically looking elsewhere even though you're trying not to for that spark with someone out there. That's what happened to me as well.....and even though it was tough to leave and there were other factors involved as well, I feel amazing now. Like, I am so excited at the prospect of being in love again after feeling so dead towards my (now) ex bf for so long. You only live once! I think you know what to do.

 

This is NOT an eight year itch or anything like that. This is your heart and soul telling you that this man is not for you despite how great he is. You both deserve someone who will love you with all of their heart. Being friends and close is not enough. You start to feel so empty and like you're clearly lacking something amazing in your life. It will obviously be hard but this is definitely for the best. Hope I helped! Good luck :)

Mustang Sally Established Member

Mustang Sally

Posted
Posted
Is it fair to ask what the OP does for her H? Sometimes you get the most when you're giving the most...

 

Mr. Lucky

An excellent point, of course.

;)

Cobra_X30

Cobra_X30

Posted
Posted

This is NOT an eight year itch or anything like that. This is your heart and soul telling you that this man is not for you despite how great he is. You both deserve someone who will love you with all of their heart. Being friends and close is not enough. You start to feel so empty and like you're clearly lacking something amazing in your life. It will obviously be hard but this is definitely for the best. Hope I helped! Good luck :)

 

If you like someone, despite your initial reaction to thier physical appearance, they should become more attractive to you.

 

Bieng shallow is not a good trait. While you should not go around dating people you are not attracted to... what your describing shows an inability to develop that attraction on a deeper level.

 

Do some soul searching.

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
Posted
If you like someone, despite your initial reaction to thier physical appearance, they should become more attractive to you.

 

Bieng shallow is not a good trait. While you should not go around dating people you are not attracted to... what your describing shows an inability to develop that attraction on a deeper level.

 

Do some soul searching.

 

 

No they should not!! Does that mean you feel sexual chemistry towards ALL people you like of the opposite sex? NO. So why would you be FORCED to have chemistry grow towards a person just because you like how they are?

 

It's not being shallow it's being realistic, attraction is wholeistic not just happening on one level.

 

 

If that's shallow then when/if you are single date a woman that weighs 300lbs as I am sure there are many many obese people who are lovely on the inside, possibly better than a lot of skinny women. Let's see just how NON shallow you really are. :laugh:

AS IF!

 

Some of you guys just can't handle these types of threads, it's almost like YOU feel personally rejected by what you read here.

Mustang Sally Established Member

Mustang Sally

Posted
Posted
Better that they get it on the table and deal with it somehow now than to push it aside and let negative feelings come between them. Burying it isn't doing either one of them any good and eventually will lead to an even worse situation than the one she came here with.

Well.

I agree that burying it does no one any good. In fact, that m.o. was leading me to up resentment.

Thus, I'm one who has gotten it "out on the table" more or less.

 

I can say that in my situation, it hasn't really ended up pushing anyone's hand either way. He refuses to believe what I tell him, and I don't want to break up the marriage because of children, etc. We are in a holding pattern for now. But, at least I can't be accused of pulling one over on my poor, deserving-better husband, right? ;)

 

So, to the OP - good luck with that. I think eventually, you must just decide what you can or cannot live with, and proceed accordingly.

michaelk Established Member

michaelk

Posted
Posted
He refuses to believe what I tell him, and I don't want to break up the marriage because of children, etc. We are in a holding pattern for now. But, at least I can't be accused of pulling one over on my poor, deserving-better husband, right? ;)

 

Exactly right. He knows the score. Whether he chooses to deal with it or not is another thing entirely.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
He refuses to believe what I tell him, and I don't want to break up the marriage because of children, etc.

Does he refuse to believe that that is the way you really feel or does he think that, feeling that way, you should react differently? I would think that most of us guys would tend toward the latter :confused: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

Mustang Sally Established Member

Mustang Sally

Posted
Posted
Does he refuse to believe that that is the way you really feel or does he think that, feeling that way, you should react differently? I would think that most of us guys would tend toward the latter :confused: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

I don't rightly know, Mr. Lucky.

 

He does tend to be quite the Master of Denial, however. I mean in epic proportions, that guy.

 

I would tend to think that because acknowledging what the implications of my feelings really are puts both of us in a dilemma (i.e. to stay married or not) and that dilemma is unacceptable to him, it is easier just to deny that there is validity to my feelings.

 

I could be wrong about that, though.

 

Sorry for the threadjack.

dreaming4ever Established Member

dreaming4ever

Posted
Posted

Cobra,

I have been in a situation where I didn't find someone attractive but then as I got to know them that changed. But what I'm saying is that doesn't always happen whether the person is nice or not. That's just life and chemistry.

kkthxbye Established Member

kkthxbye

Posted
Posted
Unfortunately if you have never felt sexually passionate towards your husband this won't come with time or no matter how hard you work at it. Sexual chemistry is either there or it isn't. If you were going through a phase then that is normal but if you honestly can say you never felt passionate towards your husband in a sexual way you will never achieve that no matter what you change, well unless you change him.;)

 

It sounds like you were both cut out to be great friends but not lovers, not all couples were meant to be romantic couples. You owe it to yourself to be with someone who fulfills your needs in every respect, as does he. Romantic love is holistic it happens mentally, physically, sexually and spiritually if you miss some or one of those you have an incomplete match. Of course we can go through phases of inclompletenes but when when it starts off with one aspect missing it does not magically appear in time.

Eight years is a long time to try and see what happens, why wait another 8 years?

 

Do you have children?

 

 

Explore therapy before you make a big move but in most cases therapy will define and help bring to fruition what you already feel and know inside you must do.

 

I'd have to agree here. It makes me wonder how people coped when there was a time of "arranged marriages". Forced marriage of two strangers who could barely keep eye contact, let alone make love. "Grow to love" your spouse just doesn't seem to complete a marriage for me.

 

Fire, passion, love, lust, this whole package event was part of falling in love with my husband. However, my first marriage was exactly what you described up there in paragraph 1-3. I was starting to think I was Asexual, devoid of hormones all together. I married my friend whom I adored, but it should have stayed just friends. Thankfully, no children happened, just a terrible pregnancy, and hormones brought forth the courage to say, "Hey babe, this just isn't working for me." Thankfully he agreed, and after only 2 years we divorced.

 

I know where you are coming from, and I feel so much how you don't want to hurt him. But think about this: If you are not happy, not sexually attracted to your husband, you are actually already hurting him way more than just walking away. Showing your love and respect for his happiness to be with a woman who can reciprocate and appreciate his kind of love and attention, would be the biggest give of love you could give him. Let him know how much you appreciate and love him for who he is, at the same time, let him know he's not the right one for you.

 

It may be hard for him to see it right away, but you know its not a right match. Especially if you can become attracted to another man, and your juices flow, no matter the faults.

 

Textbook partners, everything you want in a tight package, might look good on paper, and fit your common interests to boot; but without that passion or compromise of the heart and body, your soul will wander, or become stifled. If it didn't begin with passion, or sensuality, sexuality, etc, it won't happen magically over time. Its a chemical reaction, as you experienced with OM. These are just my thoughts, thanks for sharing your story :)

Cobra_X30

Cobra_X30

Posted
Posted
No they should not!! Does that mean you feel sexual chemistry towards ALL people you like of the opposite sex? NO. So why would you be FORCED to have chemistry grow towards a person just because you like how they are?

 

It's not being shallow it's being realistic, attraction is wholeistic not just happening on one level.

 

If that's shallow then when/if you are single date a woman that weighs 300lbs as I am sure there are many many obese people who are lovely on the inside, possibly better than a lot of skinny women. Let's see just how NON shallow you really are. :laugh:

AS IF!

 

Some of you guys just can't handle these types of threads, it's almost like YOU feel personally rejected by what you read here.

 

I am kind of personally offended. It saddens me to se people who float through life on the wind with no control over thier feelings and emotions.

 

I come from a family that was ripped apart because of this kind of crap.

 

If you don't understand yourself... have no control over yourself... fine. But when you go around hurting other people... thats just wrong!

 

The fact is that I can MAKE chemistry... with pretty much anyone I want. Because I understand what it is and where it comes from. It is'nt some magical element floating around in the universe the some people get and some don't.

 

If I chose to love a big woman... I could without hesitation or issue. LOTS of other men do!

 

So riddle me this. If I have this figured out... along with lots of other people... Why cant you? Are you afraid to put out the effort?

Cobra_X30

Cobra_X30

Posted
Posted
Cobra,

I have been in a situation where I didn't find someone attractive but then as I got to know them that changed. But what I'm saying is that doesn't always happen whether the person is nice or not. That's just life and chemistry.

 

What is chemistry to you?

 

Your thoughts drive your emotions... not the other way around. Chemistry always requires some effort.

 

Let me be blunt.

 

If you have no obligations... choose someone who is easy. If you have already chosen someone who requires more effort... do you really think you have the right to be lazy? The universe does not exist to serve you, nor does our planet revolve around you. Take care of your family first... it's your duty.

michaelk Established Member

michaelk

Posted
Posted
The fact is that I can MAKE chemistry... with pretty much anyone I want. Because I understand what it is and where it comes from. It is'nt some magical element floating around in the universe the some people get and some don't.

 

There are biological aspects to attraction that are not under your control.

 

Your thoughts drive your emotions... not the other way around.
Emotions are more basic than rational thought. Even animals feel fear, and even they can feel attraction to a potential mate. And when something happens that makes you angry (for example), do you think about it before you experience the feeling? Or do you recognize the feeling and then think about how to deal with it? In my experience, perception leads to subconscious (emotional) reaction which is followed by conscious (rational) reaction.

 

I agree that we can choose to love someone in the sense of caring, but romantic love and sexual attraction are not entirely under our control. Otherwise, as Tomcat pointed out, why wouldn't you fall in love with everyone?

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
Textbook partners, everything you want in a tight package, might look good on paper, and fit your common interests to boot; but without that passion or compromise of the heart and body, your soul will wander, or become stifled. If it didn't begin with passion, or sensuality, sexuality, etc, it won't happen magically over time. Its a chemical reaction, as you experienced with OM. These are just my thoughts, thanks for sharing your story :)

Maybe the divorce rate is so high - and sometimes reading here, the Loveshack happiness quotient is so low - because so many people base their marriage on passion and lust rather than compatibility :confused: ?

 

When I first met and dated my W, I definitely felt that "can't wait to get my hands on her" feeling for the first couple of years. I have a picture of her that perfectly sums up that feeling - she's sitting on the crest of a hill, dazzingly backlit by the sun rising just behind her. Most of us start with that "center of the universe" feeling about our SO's.

 

Fast forward 20 years, it's a different feeling. My love for her is equal parts affection, respect, friendship and the shared experiences of family and life. While we have a good, 2x week sexlife (and I could NOT exist in a sexless M), it's no longer the core of our realtionship. Lust and Limerance, in the absence of other qualities, will only carry you so far...

 

Mr. Lucky

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