What if I never really loved my husband as more than anything but a friend?

[Storyrider]

Sex is a physical expression and release, much like working out (e.g., a "runner's high"), or burping, or farting. That's it. End of story. Like any physical activity, you can be trained (or train yourself) to get good at it. It has NOTHING to do with conducting a successful long-term partnership with a mate...

 

If sex is only about release and has nothing to do with your partner, why not just masturbate? Your statement is so extreme I find it hard to fathom that anyone could believe it.

 

Although for men (so I've observed), receiving good sex makes it a LOT easier for them to contribute to the partnership!!

 

Of course.

 

To the OP, I would recommend a sex therapist. If her H can improve his technique in bed, and both of them learn what turns each other (and themselves!) on, it may spark her interest.

I think this is a fine idea, and Unders is right (ever-positive Unders, I appreciate that about you).

 

It's all about technique. Simple solution.

 

No, no, no, no, no. That is ridiculous. It is all about connection.

 

But if you have a mate who shares your belief that it is only about technique, and you're both satisfied, then more power to you.

 

For all his other qualities, she would be a fool to let this one go. Good men are hard to find... especially good men who treat you like a Goddess.

 

This is true. But she was a fool to marry him, too, if the sex wasn't there. Because their relationship was not a romantic one. I don't mean this as an insult. I put myself in the same category.

 

In the end, one cannot avoid being a fool; it is a prerequisite for the human condition. As Joe Jackson put it, "Fools in love--is there any other kind of lover?"

[Tomcat33]

I say, become an Individual, know yourself fully, and then marry your beloved to become as One.

 

xo

OE

 

Loved that last line, OE I noticed you are on infrequently but when you are I read your posts and BAM! you were one of the first posters I enjoyed reading most when I came to LS very insightful indeed.

 

Sex is a physical expression and release, much like working out (e.g., a "runner's high"), or burping, or farting. That's it. End of story. Like any physical activity, you can be trained (or train yourself) to get good at it. It has NOTHING to do with conducting a successful long-term partnership with a mate... although for men (so I've observed), receiving good sex makes it a LOT easier for them to contribute to the partnership!!

 

To the OP, I would recommend a sex therapist. If her H can improve his technique in bed, and both of them learn what turns each other (and themselves!) on, it may spark her interest. It's all about technique. Simple solution. For all his other qualities, she would be a fool to let this one go. Good men are hard to find... especially good men who treat you like a Goddess.

 

You know OB I think you are on to something here, you definitely left me thinking....Because let's see if everything is there EXCEPT sex why can't they learn to be sexual with each other? that's a fair question!! I think the passionate connection isn't there because the sex part is not happening, if they learned to enjoy each other sexually then the passion could be there. I mean they seem to connect on every level right?

But I dunnow it seems like there might be more to it, almost like there is no physical spark for this woman, she sees him but feels nothing but brotherly love for him and I really don't think you can overcome that...but the sex therapy is worth a try..!?!??

 

Also she IS having sex with him but she hates it, is it a matter of technique or just the whole experience with HIM?

 

 

 

If sex is only about release and has nothing to do with your partner, why not just masturbate?

 

True.

 

 

No, no, no, no, no. That is ridiculous. It is all about connection.

 

But if you have a mate who shares your belief that it is only about

This is true. But she was a fool to marry him, too, if the sex wasn't there. Because their relationship was not a romantic one. I don't mean this as an insult. I put myself in the same category.

 

In the end, one cannot avoid being a fool; it is a prerequisite for the human condition. As Joe Jackson put it, "Fools in love--is there any other kind of lover?"

 

 

Joe Jackson's song does not really apply to this situation because it appeares there was never an "in-love" part to this story. But it is worth nothing that it asks "is there any kind of love" because apparently NOT there is no lover action going here.

[OpenBook]

In the end, one cannot avoid being a fool; it is a prerequisite for the human condition. As Joe Jackson put it, "Fools in love--is there any other kind of lover?"

 

And I find this statement extreme. It is possible (and smart!) to love -- and choose your mate -- using both your head and your heart.

 

Another thing... The generations that came before us were inclined to advise the young females in the family, "Always pick someone to marry who loves you more than you love them." Are you saying all these people were just plain wrong?

[Mustang Sally]

 

If you really felt that way about him before all of this went down.

 

Why the F did you marry him in the first place!!!!????

 

With all due respect, Chrome, this is not an unheard of scenario.

I think the questions you raise are valid, and should certainly be thoughtfully considered by the OP (and anyone else who finds themself in such a position - most likely this will be 99% females).

 

But, I do think there is merit in what Story has pointed out before. That many females are conditioned, if you will, to have different criteria for marriage than sexual compatibility. It may be silly, archaic and unfortunate, but it is true.

 

I have to wonder if this is less a factor for men? But I really don't know if that's the case. I would think if sexual incompatibility exists in a relationship, both male and female will feel it and it's acute and significant effects.

 

Anyhow, hopefully we can raise subsequent generations of females (and males, too, of course) who DO realize the importance of sexual chemistry/compatibility in the success of long-term relationships. That is my sincere hope, anyway.

[Mustang Sally]

If her H can improve his technique in bed, and both of them learn what turns each other (and themselves!) on, it may spark her interest. It's all about technique. Simple solution. For all his other qualities, she would be a fool to let this one go. Good men are hard to find... especially good men who treat you like a Goddess.

I think this is a terrific starting point.

 

For many, this will certainly be enough.

(Sort of a fake-it-till-you-make-it approach...)

 

But I do not believe that this is the panacea for all who find themselves in this type of situation. If technique alone, were all that was required to have satisfying sex, I'd desire nothing more than my pink bunny vibrator instead of craving a shared experience with someone who lights my fire emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and visually.

 

I'm not sure, after reading the OP's posts that her H really does all of those things for her.

 

Just my opinion.

 

Peace.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not sure, after reading the OP's posts that her H really does all of those things for her.

Is it fair to ask what the OP does for her H? Sometimes you get the most when you're giving the most...

 

Mr. Lucky

[quankanne]

Well, to give credit, I think Quankanne is a great role model and a champion for the cause of marriage. I just think the honeymoon factor needs to be acknowledged as more than a blip.

 

thanks, Story, you've just made my night!

 

I did include that part about hormones (not the raging variety, but those surpressed one because of biochemical imbalances) because I'm wondering if there's not a medical basis for her low sex drive. It happens that way with some folks. Just like raging hormones make for a hyper-sexuality … :laugh:

 

the suggestion to see a sex therapist is a fantastic one, because that could help OP trace possible psychological reasons for feeling blah about sex; a visit to the doctor can help pinpoint medical causes.

 

I still do stand by the seven-year-itch theory despite the fact that the beginning of their sexual history together was lackluster, because the former is a psychological factor of marriage that reflects or magnifies what problems that exist!

[Storyrider]

It is possible (and smart!) to love -- and choose your mate -- using both your head and your heart.

 

Yes, I agree. And it sounds like the OP tried to do just that, as did I. But love makes us all a little crazy, don't you think? It is almost impossible to take a neutral look at a situation, when you love someone and/or when they love you.

 

Some things draw you to the person and other things make you step back. Which do you listen to? Do you plow forward with a marriage when you respect a man and truly enjoy his company, in fact, you love him (at least in some fashion) yet you have to psyche yourself up to have sex with him? That is not an easy question.

 

I never said the OP didn't love him. Just maybe not love on enough different levels to cement her marriage. I definitely loved my H. And I had some nagging doubts, too, that I decided to ignore. I used my logic and reason to decide this, just like the OP, thinking that the problems would smooth out as the relationship deepened.

 

Another thing... The generations that came before us were inclined to advise the young females in the family, "Always pick someone to marry who loves you more than you love them." Are you saying all these people were just plain wrong?

 

I don't think this is about who loves who more. It has to do with whether she has any hunger or sexual desire for her husband. Does she crave him? Can she teach herself to crave him, or conversely, live without that feeling if they stay married?

 

I think this is a terrific starting point. For many, this will certainly be enough. (Sort of a fake-it-till-you-make-it approach...) But I do not believe that this is the panacea for all who find themselves in this type of situation.

 

I think Sally is right here. I certainly wouldn't discourage the OP from couples or sex therapy. And fake it till you make it can work if she really wants him but her desire is suppressed somehow, or misdirected. I was working on this premise for 13 years because that is what my husband told me was wrong with me, and I believed him because he's a smart and insightful guy.

 

On the other hand if you don't like rice cakes and someone tells you to keep trying them, keep practicing, b/c they're really good for you, you can slather them in peanut butter or jelly or cream cheese to mask the Styrofoam texture of the rice cake. Or you can eat your rice cake while you picture yourself on a beach eating an artichoke instead. You can scarf down 99 rice cakes and the 100th one isn't going to taste any better. In fact, it might taste worse.

 

Is it fair to ask what the OP does for her H? Sometimes you get the most when you're giving the most...Mr. Lucky

 

This is a great point. I think it is a crucial question. We give to our children even when we feel we have nothing to give. We could be seething inside, and we'll still give them that hug they need. We'll still bring them water when they're thirsty, even when we're bone tired.

 

Is giving sex to a partner based on the same theory--that they need it, so we should give it, and we should enjoy it because we're supplying what they want and need, so it should be a pleasure? And then maybe our own pleasure will grow from that? Maybe so.

 

But if you don't truly accept this attitude before you attempt to put it into practice, it will just make you feel resentful.

Edited December 30, 2007 by Storyrider

[Tomcat33]

I did include that part about hormones (not the raging variety, but those surpressed one because of biochemical imbalances) because I'm wondering if there's not a medical basis for her low sex drive. It happens that way with some folks. Just like raging hormones make for a hyper-sexuality … :laugh:

 

I still do stand by the seven-year-itch theory despite the fact that the beginning of their sexual history together was lackluster, because the former is a psychological factor of marriage that reflects or magnifies what problems that exist!

 

 

Again, I think you make some valid points and I hope you don't feel I am picking your points apart I am just debating your stance.

 

I still feel you are missing a big important chunk of the overall big picture. In this woman's original post I didn't really sense that she has a low sex drive, maybe you have to read between the lines? she seems to have noticed just how much she is sexually disconnected from her husband since she finds another man awakens feelings in her she never really had for her husband. The simple act of being kissed by him is repulsive at times? That is a serious statement.

 

Maybe for men this is a hard pill to swallow because I don't think there is ONE man on earth who got married with a woman he did not find sexually appealing, Sorry guys but I know you boyz "roll like that"

 

Here are the bolded parts of the original post that simply cannot be ovelooked and what stood out for me. So to say it must be a 7 year itch and therapy should get to the bottom of why this is "suddenly" happening to her (notice the operative word is "suddenly") would be negating significant contributing factors. This is something that has been going on from the get go and it has progressively gotten worse, not "suddenly" gotten bad, it has gradually and consistently worsened.

 

 

 

I met my husband about 8 years ago, and I never truly recall ever finding him attractive or being overwhelmingly head over heels for him. Quite honestly, he was always a sweet guy, who had much in common with me, we always had fun together, and he represented a life that I wanted and was aiming for (stable, successful, caring family...). I enjoyed spending time with him, but never enjoyed the sex, or being physical with him. I would always act as if I was pleased and excited, for I did not want to hurt his feelings and I could not imagine losing a guy who was so wonderful to me and my family, and who I truly had a great time with, regardless of what we did. I was not even excited on our wedding night, and quite frankly wanted to get "get it over with...".

Now, I must not sound too appealing in some eyes by my first paragraph, but please read further. I noticed about 3 years ago, after being married about 3 years, that I was beginning to really dislike having sex, and would actually just tell my husband I liked it quick and to just go for it. In fact, I did not like foreplay at all, for some reason the more time passes it bothers me more and more when he wants to touch me. In fact, the past year has been quite bad - I back away when he wants to kiss me, and feel repulsed by him at times.

 

Ok...the second paragraph was hard to type, please read further. The past year has been bad...my husband has lost a job, but quickly rebounded, my father passed away, and I have fallen for another man!! I noticed my attraction towards this other man about 1.5 years ago, but just months ago things became intense, and with both of us being married we of course were not going to go the route of an affair. Its odd, for I would not classify this gentleman as strikingly attractive, but I can't get him out of my mind. I can actually name numerous things wrong this guy, but for some reason there is such an attraction!

 

Now, I believe my recent ill feelings towards my husband obviously have something to do with this other man, my fathers death etc., but what scares me is that through my feelings for this other man I have found that I have never had this feeling with my husband, and therefore never will. This scares me greatly, for I want these feelings!

My husband is so sweet, caring, loving to everyone, extremely doting, cooks, cleans, does anything he can for me, and must say how beautiful I am, and how much he loves me 20+ times a day, NO JOKE. I wouldn't want to hurt him for anything, so I have been honest with him and suggested we go to counseling together, and I am going to another individual by myself to figure out if my recent feelings (or lack there of) over the past few years are real, or due to other factors in my life.

 

My main fear: I do not want my husband to be stuck with a woman the rest of his life who does not reciprocate to the level that he deserves. I feel terrible everyday that I am not as caring, loving, sweet or doting to him, as he is with me. What do I do???

 

I am thinking about leaving him - yet I can't imagine not having him in my life. I really wish I would have simply kept him as a friend...

 

Help?

 

 

I would hazzard to guess she never found him sexually or physically attractive, period.

 

Yes she may love him and find him to be a great man/friend/provider but not someone sexually appealing enough that awakens her own sexuality. It seems very clear to me. And you cannot put all the onis of sexuality on her and say well therapy should fix that and teach her to "find him sexually appealing", if that were the case I welcome any of the people that suggest that to invite their partners to gain 300lbs and let themselves go and when you complain that you no longer find them sexually appealing I would say to you "seek sex therapy, surely they can teach you to see beyond all physical stuff to enjoy sex with your partner anyway they are a good partner a good parent and a good friend so surely you won't throw it all away because you can't enjoy intimacy and affection with them anymore" This is in essense what is being suggested here.

 

We ALL know chemistry cannot be forced.

 

Also if sexual chemistry can be created then we as sexual beings would not be able to work, be friends, or have familial ties with people of the opposite sex because the sexual desire would always be there for anyone and everyone. Let's face it some people "do it" for us some don't and some are just wrong to feel sexual towards and we are wired not to find sexually appealing.

 

If this had happened only after her father's death and when she met this OM I would say, indeed she is suffering from a psychological crisis, trauma from loss of a loved one AND possibly the good ol'7year itch. But she clearly stated in her opening statement it has always been this way.

 

 

I am just going to put this out there ok? But what if this woman thought at the time that her H was what finding the right mate was supposed to be like, that low chemistry and high qualities that state a man is a good marriage canidate was enough? What if she never experienced a true sense of WOW for another man and she thought that that is what it was to be like to choose a life mate? Then later in life she realises the WOW factor does exist. Is it THAT far fetched someone might experience this after the fact?

 

For some reason to me it isn't and I can understand what this woman must be feeling. What a horrible thing to come to discover. I can only imagine how her world must feel totally rocked and I feel for her H too who is with someone who has to pretend to be with him as she has. What a horrible notion that is to think that your mate is pretending to enjoy you when they infact feel repulsed by you. And all in the name of not hurting the one we love. I feel for both and this does not seem like a calculated malicious offense on her part per se, it seems more a matter of not knowing any better hoping for the best and ending up with far less than that.

[quankanne]

ah ... thanks for the fuller explanation. I'm dense sometimes, and tend to run with it!

[OpenBook]

I am just going to put this out there ok? But what if this woman thought at the time that her H was what finding the right mate was supposed to be like, that low chemistry and high qualities that state a man is a good marriage canidate was enough? What if she never experienced a true sense of WOW for another man and she thought that that is what it was to be like to choose a life mate? Then later in life she realises the WOW factor does exist. Is it THAT far fetched someone might experience this after the fact?

 

For some reason to me it isn't and I can understand what this woman must be feeling. What a horrible thing to come to discover. I can only imagine how her world must feel totally rocked and I feel for her H too who is with someone who has to pretend to be with him as she has. What a horrible notion that is to think that your mate is pretending to enjoy you when they infact feel repulsed by you. And all in the name of not hurting the one we love. I feel for both and this does not seem like a calculated malicious offense on her part per se, it seems more a matter of not knowing any better hoping for the best and ending up with far less than that.

 

It is possible that it happened that way... but on the other hand, she may be rewriting her marital history. I'm finding it pretty hard to believe it was an "all-of-a-sudden" thing after so many years of marriage. How could ANYONE go that long without being attracted to their partner??

 

I do see your point about sexual chemistry, Tomcat. Either it's there, or it's not. I've dumped guys who would have made great mates, but they just didn't "do it" for me. I regret dumping them, but I know myself too well - I would have gotten impatient and treated them badly.

 

I just hate to see any woman give up a good man like that. So I'm hoping against hope that "This Marriage Can Be Saved."

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel for her H too who is with someone who has to pretend to be with him as she has. What a horrible notion that is to think that your mate is pretending to enjoy you when they infact feel repulsed by you.

Hard to judge the OP's original intent, but isn't she getting a free pass on the damage she's caused her H? He's spent the last decade with someone who has probably looked in his eyes, said she loved him and now is poised to destroy his world. One could make a case that if she's been deprived of passion, he's about to lose much more ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Storyrider]

Tomcat, great post. A couple of things really stand out.

 

Maybe for men this is a hard pill to swallow because I don't think there is ONE man on earth who got married with a woman he did not find sexually appealing, Sorry guys but I know you boyz "roll like that"

I've said this before. Most men don't hang around in a relationship, waiting to see if sexual attraction grows. If they don't want to jump her, the motivation won't be there to date her. And a man's sex organ tells him exactly who he finds attractive. Some young women don't even know where their sex organ is.

 

I am just going to put this out there ok? But what if this woman thought at the time that her H was what finding the right mate was supposed to be like, that low chemistry and high qualities that state a man is a good marriage canidate was enough? What if she never experienced a true sense of WOW for another man and she thought that that is what it was to be like to choose a life mate? Then later in life she realises the WOW factor does exist. Is it THAT far fetched someone might experience this after the fact?

 

Bingo.

 

Or...what if he presented another wow that confused her sense of direction. Like, "Wow, this is guy is the most thoughtful, loving and attentive person I've ever come across!"

 

It is possible that it happened that way... but on the other hand, she may be rewriting her marital history. I'm finding it pretty hard to believe it was an "all-of-a-sudden" thing after so many years of marriage. How could ANYONE go that long without being attracted to their partner??

 

This is just a theory, but I think if you are less sexually experienced or less in touch with your body, you can easily go for years thinking it is just your own problem and not an issue of disconnect with your man. (I think a great indicator of this is at what age a woman learns to masturbate. When did you learn, OpenBook?)

 

I do see your point about sexual chemistry, Tomcat. Either it's there, or it's not. I've dumped guys who would have made great mates, but they just didn't "do it" for me. I regret dumping them, but I know myself too well - I would have gotten impatient and treated them badly.

But not all women do when it comes to sex.

 

I just hate to see any woman give up a good man like that. So I'm hoping against hope that "This Marriage Can Be Saved."

 

One could make a case that if she's been deprived of passion, he's about to lose much more ...

 

This is true too. I am certain she feels an amazing amount of guilt and fear over what is going on with her. Maybe enough so that she will decide it isn't worth it to pursue her passion at the expense of her husband's (and children's) happiness. But will they be happy if she stays? That is the question.

[RichC]

In one of your last post you wrote:

 

"What a horrible thing to come to discover."

 

She knew this all the time but only admitted it to herself recently. My take is that she has played him. He is a stand in for meeting a need in her life that she is socialized to meet. Does she get a pass for that? No. Yes it is going to absolutely kill the guy to discover that his married life has been a fraud but she has to tell him. You cannot build something when there are no building materials to build with.

 

I think about the guy years down the road as embittered old man.

[michaelk]

Sex is a physical expression and release, much like working out (e.g., a "runner's high"), or burping, or farting. That's it. End of story. Like any physical activity, you can be trained (or train yourself) to get good at it. It has NOTHING to do with conducting a successful long-term partnership with a mate... although for men (so I've observed), receiving good sex makes it a LOT easier for them to contribute to the partnership!!

 

Sorry, this just rings false to me. Maybe it makes sense from a feminine point of view, but I know better than to think that sex has "NOTHING to do with conducting a successful long-term partnership with a mate". Even the term "mate" has a sexual derivation, doesn't it? When a man and woman bond, physical intimacy and emotional intimacy go hand in hand. Without that level of intimacy, all they have is a great friendship.

 

Yes, you can treat sex as an activity with associated techniques. But she didn't feel the spark from her H in the beginning, so what technique is going to create that for her now? None. They can learn better ways of making each other feel good, of course. But she's not suddenly find herself attracted to a man who she found unattractive eight years ago and now finds repulsive!

 

I just hate to see any woman give up a good man like that. So I'm hoping against hope that "This Marriage Can Be Saved."

For everyone who's saying how great a catch he is for her, and how sad it would be to lose him - you make her H sound like a car whose styling she hates, but it runs great, gets great gas mileage and has loads of room inside, so you think she should hold onto it practical reasons. Her husband is a human being! What about his needs? What must it be like to spend eight years with a woman who has no attraction for you? Who shows no enthusiasm for you in bed? Who doesn't even want to kiss you anymore?

 

Unless they went into the marriage with the agreement that the physical part of the relationship was unimportant, he deserves better. Every man wants to feel that his mate is into him, and trying to be intimate with someone who finds you repulsive and asks you to make it quick is a horrible thing to ask him to live with. If she really cares about him, she'll let him go and find a woman who'll appreciate him as more than a good friend.

Edited December 31, 2007 by michaelk

[Storyrider]

I hope the OP comes back...

 

They can learn better ways of making each other feel good, of course. But she's not suddenly find herself attracted to a man who she found unattractive eight years ago...

 

That's the thing. Like you say, this approach assumes the problem is a "how" problem. How are they having sex? If only they were more comfortable with each other, communicated better about likes and dislikes, understood each other's needs, worked around or minimized any shortcomings, learned to fantasize more effectively, became more spontaneous, sex would in time become pleasurable for both partners.

 

If the above gets at the heart of the underlying problem, then shouldn't it sound great to both partners? The reticent partner should feel relief, right, if these problems are finally going to be addressed?

 

Or is it like with a bulimic patient, where the patient doesn't want to admit that purging is harmful because it has become a habit?

 

Or is it simply that the reticent partner doesn't want the other partner that way? The bond was never a romantic one, so her drive for him had very little steam to begin with and then ran out completely. Resentment builds as the reticent partner continues to put out, so as not to be the bad guy or be selfish. It is only after years of this that it becomes "repulsive". She wouldn't have married him if she found him repulsive in the beginning.

 

What must it be like to spend eight years with a woman who has no attraction for you? Who shows no enthusiasm for you in bed? Who doesn't even want to kiss you anymore?

 

Do you think those men who have allowed their wives to treat them this way have also been telling themselves a story, just like the OP, that things will eventually change or get better? Perhaps they have been telling themselves that their wives really are attracted but for some reason can't express it properly. Or that their wives are emotionally aloof.

 

Every man wants to feel that his mate is into him

 

As he should.

[michaelk]

Do you think those men who have allowed their wives to treat them this way have also been telling themselves a story, just like the OP, that things will eventually change or get better? Perhaps they have been telling themselves that their wives really are attracted but for some reason can't express it properly. Or that their wives are emotionally aloof.

 

A very interesting question. I don't know the answer, having not had this exact experience. I have to imagine that, to the extent they can, men in this situation will fool themselves into thinking that their wives are into them. This would preserve their ego.

 

When that becomes impossible, I suspect they start to view sex as just another form of masturbation - i.e. their partner is really just a means to an orgasm. They can tell themselves that they should be grateful because at least they're having sex, unlike some of their friends who are no doubt getting none at home!

 

And when this becomes intolerable... well, watch out for a divorce or an affair.

[Tomcat33]

ah ... thanks for the fuller explanation. I'm dense sometimes, and tend to run with it!

 

Aww that's ok QK, it's easy to miss stuff in posts..

 

It is possible that it happened that way... but on the other hand, she may be rewriting her marital history. I'm finding it pretty hard to believe it was an "all-of-a-sudden" thing after so many years of marriage. How could ANYONE go that long without being attracted to their partner??

 

It wasn't an "all orfa sudden" scenario it was a gradual progression of disinterest that started as a disinterest sexually and culminated in her being repelled by the intimacy.

 

 

Hard to judge the OP's original intent, but isn't she getting a free pass on the damage she's caused her H? He's spent the last decade with someone who has probably looked in his eyes, said she loved him and now is poised to destroy his world. One could make a case that if she's been deprived of passion, he's about to lose much more ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Well are we passing judegment on what is right or wrong? That's not what I am doing, and I can only speak for myself, but the issue isn't "is what she did dispicable or not" the issue is "she did something that seemed ok to HER at the time and it progressively got worse, now what"?

 

 

Tomcat, great post. A couple of things really stand out.

 

 

I've said this before. Most men don't hang around in a relationship, waiting to see if sexual attraction grows. If they don't want to jump her, the motivation won't be there to date her. And a man's sex organ tells him exactly who he finds attractive. Some young women don't even know where their sex organ is.

 

 

Or...what if he presented another wow that confused her sense of direction. Like, "Wow, this is guy is the most thoughtful, loving and attentive person I've ever come across!"

 

 

This is just a theory, but I think if you are less sexually experienced or less in touch with your body, you can easily go for years thinking it is just your own problem and not an issue of disconnect with your man.

 

 

Thanks , and yes I agree what if it seemed all encompassing "at the time" given her limited knowledge of chosing a partner for life entailed..?

All these what ifs so little time..

I do hope the OP comes back to post again soon.

 

 

 

In one of your last post you wrote:

 

"What a horrible thing to come to discover."

 

She knew this all the time but only admitted it to herself recently. My take is that she has played him. He is a stand in for meeting a need in her life that she is socialized to meet. Does she get a pass for that? No. Yes it is going to absolutely kill the guy to discover that his married life has been a fraud but she has to tell him. You cannot build something when there are no building materials to build with.

 

I think about the guy years down the road as embittered old man.

 

Again it is not about getting a pass or caneing the woman or even giving her props for her stellar behaviour, I don't feel that's the point, the morality of it, not at this point at least. I personally don't see a mean spirited person who is just looking to ruin another's life. I see a person who made some choices and life's changes has opened her eyes to some realities she may have been too naive or inexperienced to see. Maybe I give her too much credit, and of course we all see what we see. I guess given what she has shared here it seems she really did not know what she was getting into and tried to base an important decision on the types of philosophies "society" likes us to take into account as non superficial and decent like, the old "it's what's on the inside that counts", "sex fades but a good man is hard to find" "find companionship and a man you can trust with honour because everything else is not important" Women are brought up on these types of philosophies and it is engrained in us at a very young age. Sexuality is dirty and not to be overexpressed or you will be considered a slut and marry a good man you can trust it doesn't matter if you are not all that attracted to him, attraction fades.

I know I heard enough of that while I was growing up, the funny thing is all the elder women in my family married men they were super attracted to both physically and mentally yet they claimed attraction is not that important, "yeah easy for you to say AFTER the fact" It it were up to them I would have been married 15yrs ago to every "great guy" that came into my life... and I am 34, no thanks!

 

 

S

For everyone who's saying how great a catch he is for her, and how sad it would be to lose him - you make her H sound like a car whose styling she hates, but it runs great, gets great gas mileage and has loads of room inside, so you think she should hold onto it practical reasons. Her husband is a human being! What about his needs? What must it be like to spend eight years with a woman who has no attraction for you? Who shows no enthusiasm for you in bed? Who doesn't even want to kiss you anymore?

 

Unless they went into the marriage with the agreement that the physical part of the relationship was unimportant, he deserves better. Every man wants to feel that his mate is into him, and trying to be intimate with someone who finds you repulsive and asks you to make it quick is a horrible thing to ask him to live with. If she really cares about him, she'll let him go and find a woman who'll appreciate him as more than a good friend.

 

those are some very strong points, I have to agree on the car analogy and I would also say that unless this woman can really find a way to become attracted to him it is COMPLETELY selfish to come to the realization that things are not going to change and to deprive him of his own chance at happiness with a woman who DOES find him irresistible. It's not fair at all. HOWEVER, she may disclose how she feels to him and he may decide he doesn't mind being kept around like that anyway. Some people don't mind being "used" for lack of better word. Some people are willing to overlook these things because they get some other form of pay off from the relationship anyway. The key here would be to honestly open to this man and tell him what is going on in a very tactful and loving way and together they can decide what is best for them.

 

I dunnow what hurts more? To find out your spouse is not attracted to you and wants out or to find out your spouse is willing to stay yet pretends because intimacy is repulsive to them?

[michaelk]

HOWEVER, she may disclose how she feels to him and he may decide he doesn't mind being kept around like that anyway. Some people don't mind being "used" for lack of better word. Some people are willing to overlook these things because they get some other form of pay off from the relationship anyway. The key here would be to honestly open to this man and tell him what is going on in a very tactful and loving way and together they can decide what is best for them.

 

Yes. If he chooses to be in this kind of situation, that's fine. As it stands, he can't make a choice because he's being misled.

[Storyrider]

Yes. If he chooses to be in this kind of situation, that's fine. As it stands, he can't make a choice because he's being misled.

You don't think he knows she is ambivalent about him? I doubt that very much, unless he's stupid or out of it.

 

It would be most proactive to get it on the table. However, once that happens it might force someone to take decisive action, and there may be no turning back.

[michaelk]

It would be most proactive to get it on the table. However, once that happens it might force someone to take decisive action, and there may be no turning back.

 

Better that they get it on the table and deal with it somehow now than to push it aside and let negative feelings come between them. Burying it isn't doing either one of them any good and eventually will lead to an even worse situation than the one she came here with.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well are we passing judegment on what is right or wrong? That's not what I am doing, and I can only speak for myself, but the issue isn't "is what she did dispicable or not" the issue is "she did something that seemed ok to HER at the time and it progressively got worse, now what"?

Judgement assumes some knowledge of the OP's original intent, which none of us are privy to. My point was simply this - while she potentially moves on to these "intense" feelings of attraction for this new man, her husband's immediate future may be quite different. Nowhere in her carefully observational account did she say "my H knows how I feel about him", so I'm assuming that any revelation she makes to him will come as a shock. And for those that say that, on some level, he should know that she's not attracted to or in love with him - how many times do you read in these forums that a H or W gets the "I love you, I'm just not in love with you" speech out of the blue. Many threads start with "Our's was the perfect marriage until one day..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tomcat33]

Judgement assumes some knowledge of the OP's original intent, which none of us are privy to.

 

Judgement assumes, and concludes but in a critical way is what I mean. As in "to pass judgement" on the moral right and wrong of something. And let's face it it happens very frequently around here comments or jabs are used to morally criticize people's actions.

 

 

My point was simply this - while she potentially moves on to these "intense" feelings of attraction for this new man, her husband's immediate future may be quite different. Nowhere in her carefully observational account did she say "my H knows how I feel about him", so I'm assuming that any revelation she makes to him will come as a shock. And for those that say that, on some level, he should know that she's not attracted to or in love with him - how many times do you read in these forums that a H or W gets the "I love you, I'm just not in love with you" speech out of the blue. Many threads start with "Our's was the perfect marriage until one day..."

 

I agree. Also assuming that her husband "must know" is a big leap. She said here herself she has made a good point of faking for many years, why would he know?

[Storyrider]

Perhaps I'm assuming too much and projecting my own intuitive tendencies onto the husband. But I think the people on here who claim complete and utter shock when their spouse drops a bomb have been partially complicit in fooling themselves. If he doesn't sense his wife's emotional distance, if he doesn't know her well enough to know that, well that is pretty damning of the relationship. Unless you're saying she's a sociopath who has perfectly hidden her feelings.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think the people on here who claim complete and utter shock when their spouse drops a bomb have been partially complicit in fooling themselves.

Perhaps their complicity is limited to simply wanting to believe in their spouse's good intentions? It can be hard to accept that this person that you've shared your life with doesn't have your best interests at heart. Again, I understand the challenge that the OP faces, but it doesn't sound as if her H has mistreated her or ignored thier marriage. No easy answers or probable happy ending here...

 

Mr. Lucky