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What if I never really loved my husband as more than anything but a friend?

QuiteReceptive

By QuiteReceptive
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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QuiteReceptive New Member

QuiteReceptive

Posted
Posted

Ok, I need a bit of assistance, for I am quite confused even after a bit of therapy.

 

I met my husband about 8 years ago, and I never truly recall ever finding him attractive or being overwhelmingly head over heels for him. Quite honestly, he was always a sweet guy, who had much in common with me, we always had fun together, and he represented a life that I wanted and was aiming for (stable, successful, caring family...). I enjoyed spending time with him, but never enjoyed the sex, or being physical with him. I would always act as if I was pleased and excited, for I did not want to hurt his feelings and I could not imagine losing a guy who was so wonderful to me and my family, and who I truly had a great time with, regardless of what we did. I was not even excited on our wedding night, and quite frankly wanted to get "get it over with...".

 

Now, I must not sound too appealing in some eyes by my first paragraph, but please read further. I noticed about 3 years ago, after being married about 3 years, that I was beginning to really dislike having sex, and would actually just tell my husband I liked it quick and to just go for it. In fact, I did not like foreplay at all, for some reason the more time passes it bothers me more and more when he wants to touch me. In fact, the past year has been quite bad - I back away when he wants to kiss me, and feel repulsed by him at times.

 

Ok...the second paragraph was hard to type, please read further. The past year has been bad...my husband has lost a job, but quickly rebounded, my father passed away, and I have fallen for another man!! I noticed my attraction towards this other man about 1.5 years ago, but just months ago things became intense, and with both of us being married we of course were not going to go the route of an affair. Its odd, for I would not classify this gentleman as strikingly attractive, but I can't get him out of my mind. I can actually name numerous things wrong this guy, but for some reason there is such an attraction!

 

Now, I believe my recent ill feelings towards my husband obviously have something to do with this other man, my fathers death etc., but what scares me is that through my feelings for this other man I have found that I have never had this feeling with my husband, and therefore never will. This scares me greatly, for I want these feelings!

 

My husband is so sweet, caring, loving to everyone, extremely doting, cooks, cleans, does anything he can for me, and must say how beautiful I am, and how much he loves me 20+ times a day, NO JOKE. I wouldn't want to hurt him for anything, so I have been honest with him and suggested we go to counseling together, and I am going to another individual by myself to figure out if my recent feelings (or lack there of) over the past few years are real, or due to other factors in my life.

 

My main fear: I do not want my husband to be stuck with a woman the rest of his life who does not reciprocate to the level that he deserves. I feel terrible everyday that I am not as caring, loving, sweet or doting to him, as he is with me. What do I do???

 

I am thinking about leaving him - yet I can't imagine not having him in my life. I really wish I would have simply kept him as a friend...

 

Help?

Cobra_X30

Cobra_X30

Posted
Posted

Listen, it's pretty common. Your husband is too easy. You want a challenge. Plus I'm sure there are a bunch of little things that you would love to just change about him.

 

If you dont have kids... divorce him.

 

If you do have kids... It's time to get honest about who you are! It doesnt really sound like you respect your H!

underpants Established Member

underpants

Posted
Posted

I was also thinking that this scenerio is fairly common.

 

The old 7-8 year itch.

 

I guess there are two ways you can go. Start over or make it the marriage and him the husband that you want.

 

I would suggest at least really trying the latter before the former.

 

Good guys are rare.

luvstarved Established Member

luvstarved

Posted
Posted

I feel bad for your husband and for you too...I don't want to lambaste you though because I have made the same mistake of thinking that someone being so ... good for me... would work out in the absence of real physical attraction.

 

Sadly, in my experience, if you never had it, you never will. You definitely should resolve things with your H before pursuing anything with anyone else...to have an affair would be extremely unfair and disrespectful.

 

Your H sounds like a really great guy and I am sorry that the two of you are in this situation. But you don't do him any favors either by staying; he should have the opportunity too to find someone who feels about him the way a man wants his wife to feel...

 

Best wishes...

Cobra_X30

Cobra_X30

Posted
Posted

QR,

 

Read through this thread. This will do at least two things for you. First it will show you that you are not alone.... and perhaps give you some people on here you can identify with.

 

I hope this helps!

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138157/

  • 2 weeks later...
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QuiteReceptive New Member

QuiteReceptive

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you, to those who listenend and provided constructive commentary. I appreciate the open minds, respectful words, and informative links.

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
Posted

Unfortunately if you have never felt sexually passionate towards your husband this won't come with time or no matter how hard you work at it. Sexual chemistry is either there or it isn't. If you were going through a phase then that is normal but if you honestly can say you never felt passionate towards your husband in a sexual way you will never achieve that no matter what you change, well unless you change him.;)

 

It sounds like you were both cut out to be great friends but not lovers, not all couples were meant to be romantic couples. You owe it to yourself to be with someone who fulfills your needs in every respect, as does he. Romantic love is holistic it happens mentally, physically, sexually and spiritually if you miss some or one of those you have an incomplete match. Of course we can go through phases of inclompletenes but when when it starts off with one aspect missing it does not magically appear in time.

Eight years is a long time to try and see what happens, why wait another 8 years?

 

Do you have children?

 

 

Explore therapy before you make a big move but in most cases therapy will define and help bring to fruition what you already feel and know inside you must do.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted

I met my husband about 8 years ago, and I never truly recall ever finding him attractive or being overwhelmingly head over heels for him. Quite honestly, he was always a sweet guy, who had much in common with me, we always had fun together, and he represented a life that I wanted and was aiming for (stable, successful, caring family...). I enjoyed spending time with him, but never enjoyed the sex, or being physical with him. I would always act as if I was pleased and excited, for I did not want to hurt his feelings and I could not imagine losing a guy who was so wonderful to me and my family, and who I truly had a great time with, regardless of what we did. I was not even excited on our wedding night, and quite frankly wanted to get "get it over with..."

I'm going to assume that you had been "in love" with someone at some point before you met your husband. And so you knew what that crazy, tingly feeling felt like.

 

And yet you made a calculated decision to trade that passion and excitement for a good guy, a good friend and a good provider. Why doesn't that equation still hold up for you now? Your H is still the same good man he was when he met you, so why the desire now to fly close to the flame?

 

Mr. Lucky

Storyrider Established Member

Storyrider

Posted
Posted
I'm going to assume that you had been "in love" with someone at some point before you met your husband. And so you knew what that crazy, tingly feeling felt like.

 

And yet you made a calculated decision to trade that passion and excitement for a good guy, a good friend and a good provider. Why doesn't that equation still hold up for you now? Your H is still the same good man he was when he met you, so why the desire now to fly close to the flame?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is a really good question. I am tempted to speculate, but I'm more interested in hearing the OP's answer.

 

I need to ask a few other question spinning off from Mr. Lucky's. Was it a calculated decision to choose him, as Mr. L assumes, or was it intuitive? Did you have needs that compelled you to choose him? Also, was there not even a moment when you were attracted?

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
Posted
I'm going to assume that you had been "in love" with someone at some point before you met your husband. And so you knew what that crazy, tingly feeling felt like.

 

And yet you made a calculated decision to trade that passion and excitement for a good guy, a good friend and a good provider. Why doesn't that equation still hold up for you now? Your H is still the same good man he was when he met you, so why the desire now to fly close to the flame?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

I enjoyed spending time with him, but never enjoyed the sex, or being physical with him. I would always act as if I was pleased and excited, for I did not want to hurt his feelings and I could not imagine losing a guy who was so wonderful to me and my family, and who I truly had a great time with, regardless of what we did. I was not even excited on our wedding night, and quite frankly wanted to get "get it over with...".

 

Sounds like she traded in passion for a life of security with a good friend hoping she would overome the sexual inadequacy and 8 yrs later here she is. Is it fair to him or HER to waste any more years of each other's life? If she is questioning her choice it means she is not pleased with her current situation.

Would you like to know your W dreads having sex with you for 8yrs and fakes her enjoyment or worse yet would you like to be the person who has to do the faking in order to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

 

This is a very delicate situation that deserves a very in depth look. She clearly stated it was never there why do people expect her to trade in her sexuality for a life of securtiy, in life you have to take risks and you have to lose to win sometimes. If you are not happy then you need to change some things in order to get to where you need to get.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
She clearly stated it was never there why do people expect her to trade in her sexuality for a life of securtiy, in life you have to take risks and you have to lose to win sometimes. If you are not happy then you need to change some things in order to get to where you need to get.

I don't have any expectations of what she might do. What I asked was, within the context of her experience with this and other relationships, why did a decision which made sense with her H eight years ago lose it relevance now? She's got a good man, a good friend and a good husband. What if she ends up with a jerk that mistreats her? Will the sex make it worthwhile?

 

Mr. Lucky

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
Posted (edited)
I don't have any expectations of what she might do. What I asked was, within the context of her experience with this and other relationships, why did a decision which made sense with her H eight years ago lose it relevance now? She's got a good man, a good friend and a good husband. What if she ends up with a jerk that mistreats her? Will the sex make it worthwhile?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think it is pretty obvious why and she already explained why. It's because she has been faking the enjoyment of sex with this man it has gotten so bad she actually dreads the act. It has progressively gotten worse instead of improved. She may be thinking "is this what the rest of my days are going to be like?" Good people are great to have in our lives, no doubt, but no one should not be deprived of one of the true natural joys of life, sex, because we are with someone that we don't feel sexual towards or vice versa. Sex is very important to a relationship. Sure relationships can survive without it but then all you really have is nothing more than a friendship. She may want more than just a friendship, and she is still alive and therefore still feeling. Why shouldn't she question things?

 

I was reading the thread by Stoyrider: Those are some very interesting thoughts you put forth Storyrider, and I agree with a lot of your views. Women are not taught to like who they are with sexually. We are taught to pick a good man a good provider but NEVER told make sure sex is mind blowing because it will fade either way but better to have something there than nothing there at all, EVER. To women it is engrained from a very young age, sex is not important it is the companionship that is, and guess what that's bullcrap sex IS important to us the fact we are taught to supress our sexuality goes against what our anatomy is programmed to feel.

 

Bottom line, women are taught not to be sexual and men are taught to be sexual and women sometimes do go into marriages with other priorities in mind. Later in life they realise sex IS important to them and it's too late to act.

 

 

I feel really bad for this woman in question and also feel bad for her H.

Edited by Tomcat33
quankanne Established Member

quankanne

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think I'll throw my money on the 7-year-itch theory, because there's more truth to it than not. No matter how happily married you believe you are there comes a point when your partner seems about as appealing as a sack of potatoes. Then someone new enters the picture – or you start thinking about an old flame – who is funny, attractive, sexy, etc and elicits feelings that your partner doesn't seem to anymore, and you begin to second-guess the relationship. It's a perfectly normal phase you go through, you know?

 

what makes the difference is how you've decided to handle things, QR – you're getting fried for being honest about these feelings, but I admire the heck out of you for putting such emphasis on wanting to help your marriage because you respect your husband as much as you do. A weaker-willed individual would have just scratched that itch first and worried about the consequences later.

 

it's a very positive sign that you're seeking marital counseling with your husband, because it show that the relationship comes first with y'all. That's not to say your problems in the bedroom are going to be magically solved but the tools you'll gain from counseling are going to help you with the relationship, and that's always a good thing. If you're still concerned about your lack of a sexual desire, talk to your gynecologist or your primary care doctor – your homones might be the cause of this problem and a good medical regimen might alleviate it.

 

for the record, I can't say enough about the Marriage Encounter Weekend my husband and I went on nearly 10 years ago – we connected in a way that made us look at our marriage differently, even though we still have moments of wanting to choke each other out of frustration :laugh:

 

seriously, though, it showed me that a good relationship enrichment program (ME Weekend, counselling, retreats, etc) is a priceless tool because it helps you focus on those things that first attracted you to your mate so much that you decided to spend the rest of your life with him/her, and uses that to help through the rough patches.

Edited by quankanne
Storyrider Established Member

Storyrider

Posted
Posted

But she's saying the electricity was never there between them from the beginning. She was bored on her wedding night.

 

Is this just a common feeling that many brides to be have? I know in the old days when marriages were arranged it was fairly common. But is this not a relevant datum in assessing the viability of a modern marriage?

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
Posted (edited)
But she's saying the electricity was never there between them from the beginning. She was bored on her wedding night.

 

 

I know, seriously!! Were you and I the only ones who read the first post or what?

 

Sometimes it feels like LS is plagued by robots that are programmed to make the same thought and same recorded comment no matter what the quandry is about. :laugh::laugh:

Edited by Tomcat33
Storyrider Established Member

Storyrider

Posted
Posted
I know, seriously!! Were you and I the only ones who read the first post or what?

 

Sometimes it feels like LS is plagued by robots that are programmed to make the same thought and same recorded comment no matter what the quandry is about. :laugh::laugh:

Well, to give credit, I think Quankanne is a great role model and a champion for the cause of marriage. I just think the honeymoon factor needs to be acknowledged as more than a blip.

 

I would like to start a thread to hear about other people's honeymoons and first weeks of marriage and whether their marriage lasted. Shouldn't we be boinking like bunnies at that time? If not, it doesn't bode well for the marriage, I think.

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
Posted
Well, to give credit, I think Quankanne is a great role model and a champion for the cause of marriage. I just think the honeymoon factor needs to be acknowledged as more than a blip.

 

I would like to start a thread to hear about other people's honeymoons and first weeks of marriage and whether their marriage lasted. Shouldn't we be boinking like bunnies at that time? If not, it doesn't bode well for the marriage, I think.

 

My comment was not member specific it was a general comment about all the comments made alluding to the fact that she is simply going through a "7 year itch", when she has made very clear this 7 year itch started 8 years ago on their honeymoon. That's another thing that needs to be acknowledged for "more than a blip".

 

 

I agree. If that were the case here I would be more partisan to the 7 year itch theory everyone keeps talking about. The main difference here is there never was sexual enjoyment on her part, but this notion seems to be overlooked for some strange reason.

Chrome Barracuda Established Member

Chrome Barracuda

Posted
Posted

My question to her is,

 

If you really felt that way about him before all of this went down.

 

Why the F did you marry him in the first place!!!!????

 

And you know what's the funny thing about it, is that she's the one with the issues, 9/10 it's always the cheater with some sort of issues about their partner.

 

Fact of the matter remains that it's not issues with him, it's issues that's within you!!!

 

And lastly I bet when you do let him go, mad chicks is gonna be banging his door down. lol. It happened to me!!!

 

So grateful for the ex leaving me for her looser ex boyfriend.

 

Cause in the end he cheated on her again.

 

....And she had no one.:D

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
Posted

She has already admitted the issue is with her, she explained she married for stability great companionshio and friendship not passion. I don't see her passing any buck here she admits it is her MISTAKE which she is doubting now if she did the right thing given she cannot get over the sexual aspect of their union.

 

Of course the issue is with her! She told herself she could grow to enjoy this man in a manner she did not enjoy early on in the relationship, and surprise surprise nothing changed, well it did but for the worst.

 

People marry all the time for safe reasons, lacking certain needs being met hoping they will grow to have the other needs make up for it only to find it doesn't work that way. Happens all the time.

Chrome Barracuda Established Member

Chrome Barracuda

Posted
Posted
She has already admitted the issue is with her, she explained she married for stability great companionshio and friendship not passion. I don't see her passing any buck here she admits it is her MISTAKE which she is doubting now if she did the right thing given she cannot get over the sexual aspect of their union.

 

Of course the issue is with her! She told herself she could grow to enjoy this man in a manner she did not enjoy early on in the relationship, and surprise surprise nothing changed, well it did but for the worst.

 

People marry all the time for safe reasons, lacking certain needs being met hoping they will grow to have the other needs make up for it only to find it doesn't work that way. Happens all the time.

 

That sucks.

 

You gotta have it going in. Or else where would you be, huh?

 

What happens now?

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
Posted
That sucks.

 

You gotta have it going in. Or else where would you be, huh?

 

What happens now?

 

 

yeah that's the truth but it is as we were discussing earlier sometimes women tend to settle for a good man who provides and will make a good husband and a good father even if the passion is not there sex is not on the top of some women's lists because it is something we are not taught to embrace.

 

I have known women who married because their clocks were ticking and they felt "well he is a good friend and I am not getting any younger and he will make a good father so bite the bullet". Fast forward to 5 yrs later and the marriage is on the rocks because she is out all the time and not in marriage mode anymore...it's sad but some women fear they will not be mothers or wives and to some women that is the end all be all of existence so they would rather do it with someone they are not passionately in love with in order to be the "complete" woman than not do it at all.

 

it is sad yes.

 

PS not saying this was the case here at all! was just speaking of some women I know ;)

OldEurope Established Member

OldEurope

Posted
Posted (edited)

Some good points brought up by TomCat, and Chrome always asks the right, if pointed, questions...

 

One thing to also keep in mind is that it doesn't have to be this kind of "either/or" situation. A man can be a wonderful friend, soulmate, father etc and also a devil in bed. If he is passionate about life and has something going on such as sports or some kind of intense hobby (art, learning to fly a plane, etc) he most usually is into sex; his energy and drive propel him there.

 

People do marry for many reasons but those who marry for insincere reasons (i.e. "I wanted this need to be fulfilled"...etc) almost across the board suffer a stronger regret than those who may have been burned going for true love and passion--and I mean transcedental love and profound passion, not merely sexual compatibility.

 

The latter, while difficult in its way, is what is authentic, what truly makes a man and a woman bound to each other. On this level, you have the most "identification" with a partner. But those who are marrying for escape, or for convenience or because it is "time" or because one wants a family figure that didn't exist in one's own childhood....God help them, because that just leads to emptiness. I say, become an Individual, know yourself fully, and then marry your beloved to become as One.

 

xo

OE

Edited by OldEurope
OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted
I would like to start a thread to hear about other people's honeymoons and first weeks of marriage and whether their marriage lasted. Shouldn't we be boinking like bunnies at that time? If not, it doesn't bode well for the marriage, I think.

 

My exH and I boinked like rabbits... from the moment he took my virginity when we were just a few weeks into dating, right up until the last night of our M. It wasn't enough to overcome all the other problems in our M (power and control issues).

 

Sex is a physical expression and release, much like working out (e.g., a "runner's high"), or burping, or farting. That's it. End of story. Like any physical activity, you can be trained (or train yourself) to get good at it. It has NOTHING to do with conducting a successful long-term partnership with a mate... although for men (so I've observed), receiving good sex makes it a LOT easier for them to contribute to the partnership!!

 

To the OP, I would recommend a sex therapist. If her H can improve his technique in bed, and both of them learn what turns each other (and themselves!) on, it may spark her interest. It's all about technique. Simple solution. For all his other qualities, she would be a fool to let this one go. Good men are hard to find... especially good men who treat you like a Goddess.

underpants Established Member

underpants

Posted
Posted
To the OP, I would recommend a sex therapist.

 

I like this idea alot. Along with the Marriage Retreat thing mentioned earlier. What is there to lose?

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted

To the OP, I would recommend a sex therapist. If her H can improve his technique in bed, and both of them learn what turns each other (and themselves!) on, it may spark her interest. It's all about technique. Simple solution. For all his other qualities, she would be a fool to let this one go. Good men are hard to find... especially good men who treat you like a Goddess.

That's the point I was trying to make (you did a better job :cool: ). The OP has a good husband, a man that cares about her, treats her well and seems to have put the work into making their marriage a good one. The approach of working on the sexual connection and technique (for both of them, not just her) makes more sense than rolling the dice on a new relationship. Just read LS daily - lots of people out there that won't treat you well...

 

Mr. Lucky

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