moredeborah Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I feel like for the past 2 months my friend Lois has been getting on my nerves and I would like some advice on how I should handle it. Some background: Lois: is 23 years old makes a little less money than me at the same advertising firm lives in a very nice high rise apartment with her boyfriend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and he works for the state making very good money is overweight, BMI 31.5 is the type of girl that wears Coach purses, wants a huge home and goes on cruises for vacation... twice a year (not that there is anything wrong with that, I'm just illustrating what's going on) I: am 25 years old live in a tiny 1 bedroom basement apartment with my unemployed boyfriend have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he is currently seeking employment and keeping my home clean am obsessed with diet and exercise to the point that I might have an ED am the type of girl that wears canvas purses, want a flat in a big city and goes to burning man every year So, we are pretty different but seem to like to hang out with each other a lot. Lately she's been putting me down in a way that seems a little... I don't know like she might be jealous of me. I live a littler life, but I am happy living this way. For example, she outright said the other day: "When is your boyfriend going to get a job because I know I make less money than you but you're clearly poorer." (that's word for word what she said) Or when I started to lose weight, she said it was because I have no money to buy food that's why I lost the lbs. And yesterday I said that I wanted to go back to school to get a Masters of Fine Arts and she said that a degree like that is useless Also she has this thing where she has to be right about everything. At work, she gives bad advice on admin procedures to people and I tell them the correct way (the "by the book" way) and she basically turns everything upside down like she's right. I wish I could say everything that has happened, but I don't want to bore you. I still want to be friends with her but I want all this putting down to stop! How could I bring this up to someone that insists on always being right?
mistieyed Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 try honesty. if you are true friends, you should be able to be honest with her regardless of whether it is good, bad, or indifferent. something you wrote struck me as strange, actually many things, but regardless, i am wondering if you are bothered with her because you think she doesn't deserve what she possesses. the reason i suggest this, you mention odd things like BMI, etc. who knows this about their girlfriends? very superficial and judgmental. who cares what her BMI is? i understand why you mentioned the Coach comment, etc. because you were trying to provide a description of the type of person she is, but BMI really was odd, overweight would have been sufficient. anyway, back to my response to you. just be honest with her - if she has negative things to say about you, there is only a few things to do - ignore, allow it to hurt your self esteem, or stop it. noone should treat you badly. it doesn't matter how much money or how great your life looks on the outside, it is what is happening on the inside that matters. best of luck.
Author moredeborah Posted December 20, 2007 Author Posted December 20, 2007 something you wrote struck me as strange, actually many things, but regardless, i am wondering if you are bothered with her because you think she doesn't deserve what she possesses. the reason i suggest this, you mention odd things like BMI, etc. who knows this about their girlfriends? I actually said her bmi b/c people say overweight and it could mean so many different things. I didn't check with whether or not you are a female, but me and all my girlfriends talk about BMI, diet, fitness, flabby arms, washboard stomachs and so on almost on a daily basis. Must be a difference in group of friends thing. Anyway, her bmi isn't very high but she considers herself grossly overweight but in all reality she's just chubby. Sometimes I think her perception of herself has something to do with why she brings me down when I hit a fitness goal. What else do you think is strange? I thought I wrote my thread a little weird, but so many things play into this and I just didn't want to make it super long. Hope that helped.
mistieyed Posted December 20, 2007 Posted December 20, 2007 I actually said her bmi b/c people say overweight and it could mean so many different things. I didn't check with whether or not you are a female, but me and all my girlfriends talk about BMI, diet, fitness, flabby arms, washboard stomachs and so on almost on a daily basis. Must be a difference in group of friends thing. Anyway, her bmi isn't very high but she considers herself grossly overweight but in all reality she's just chubby. Sometimes I think her perception of herself has something to do with why she brings me down when I hit a fitness goal. What else do you think is strange? I thought I wrote my thread a little weird, but so many things play into this and I just didn't want to make it super long. Hope that helped. people mirror their issues onto others - if she is picking at your about certain things, there is probably something about herself she feels is lacking or not up to par. don't allow her to bring you down - if she says something negative or insulting, call her on it when it happens. there is no need for someone to be hurtful to you or anyone else - i am sure that she does it to others as well - maybe she does not realize she is being this way. as far as the post, it just came across a bit harsh when i first read it. my friends are quite health aware as well, but BMI had never been discussed (the other subjects you mentioned were though). thanks for the clarification though. also, to answer your question, i am female (35 yoa), so i have been through similar experiences in the past and know that if you don't stop them at the time, they only hurt your self esteem, whether you realize it or not. best of luck to you.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 21, 2007 Posted December 21, 2007 Blunt honesty.. tell her that the things that she is saying is hurting your feelings, and its just outright cruel.. it seems like she just have a negative aspect everything and everybody no matter what the situation is
Author moredeborah Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 It seems like she just have a negative aspect everything and everybody no matter what the situation is You're totally right about this one. My desk is right next to hers at work, where I am right now, and she's been negative about 3 things in the past 5 minutes. Sometimes I want to just yell "SHUT UP!" to her.
Author moredeborah Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 as far as the post, it just came across a bit harsh when i first read it. my friends are quite health aware as well, but BMI had never been discussed (the other subjects you mentioned were though). thanks for the clarification though. also, to answer your question, i am female (35 yoa), so i have been through similar experiences in the past and know that if you don't stop them at the time, they only hurt your self esteem, whether you realize it or not. best of luck to you. I know that I came across harsh, but only after I read it the day after. I think I was really upset and wanted to lash out at her without her knowing. But you are right about stoping that type of behavior at the time. I have a hard time with that in many parts of my life (dealing with things as they come) since I don't realise I've been wronged until a day after or so. Or until it gets out of hand. Thanks.
Always Wrong Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 And the toughest decision to make, is when they don't respond to straight forward kindness and a heartfelt request to stop, then terminate the the "friendship" aspect of the relationship. Keep it on a work level, and keep doing what you're doing... "By the Book"! As soon as you deviate from the book, she will probably try to use it against you, and then you will know for sure there is something definately wrong with her. I got in a fight with a jerk last night in my best friends house. I may have alienated everyone even though I was justified. I should have walked away.
johnnyj Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 For example, she outright said the other day: "When is your boyfriend going to get a job because I know I make less money than you but you're clearly poorer." (that's word for word what she said) Or when I started to lose weight, she said it was because I have no money to buy food that's why I lost the lbs. I have very little tolerance for rude comments from "work friends" .... If I was you I would tell her to go to hell next time she makes a comment like that. I wouldn't consider anyone who talked to me like that to be friend material. And to bring up another point, this is why I also don't like to share too much of what's happening in my personal life with friends, whether I met them through work or outside of work. Maybe I'm just getting old (30s), but people who talk to me like that get put into my bad books pretty fast.
Meaplus3 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I feel like for the past 2 months my friend Lois has been getting on my nerves and I would like some advice on how I should handle it. Some background: Lois: is 23 years old makes a little less money than me at the same advertising firm lives in a very nice high rise apartment with her boyfriend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and he works for the state making very good money is overweight, BMI 31.5 is the type of girl that wears Coach purses, wants a huge home and goes on cruises for vacation... twice a year (not that there is anything wrong with that, I'm just illustrating what's going on) I: am 25 years old live in a tiny 1 bedroom basement apartment with my unemployed boyfriend have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he is currently seeking employment and keeping my home clean am obsessed with diet and exercise to the point that I might have an ED am the type of girl that wears canvas purses, want a flat in a big city and goes to burning man every year So, we are pretty different but seem to like to hang out with each other a lot. Lately she's been putting me down in a way that seems a little... I don't know like she might be jealous of me. I live a littler life, but I am happy living this way. For example, she outright said the other day: "When is your boyfriend going to get a job because I know I make less money than you but you're clearly poorer." (that's word for word what she said) Or when I started to lose weight, she said it was because I have no money to buy food that's why I lost the lbs. And yesterday I said that I wanted to go back to school to get a Masters of Fine Arts and she said that a degree like that is useless Also she has this thing where she has to be right about everything. At work, she gives bad advice on admin procedures to people and I tell them the correct way (the "by the book" way) and she basically turns everything upside down like she's right. I wish I could say everything that has happened, but I don't want to bore you. I still want to be friends with her but I want all this putting down to stop! How could I bring this up to someone that insists on always being right? Honestly? Come right out and tell your friend your having a issue with with her. I did this recently with my BFF and it worked! Yes, she was mad but not for long. Good luck! AP:)
Lizzie60 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 The only way is to be honest with her... Tell her what hurts you... there is always a diplomatic way to have a serious talk... you're friends so this should be easier... I have to agree with her though about the Masters in Fine Art... my daughter's best friend got one ... and never worked in that field... it's not easy to get a good paying job... oh well.. depending where you live I suppose. Good luck with your friend... and if she doesn't change attitude after the talk... move on... life is too short to waste it on immature people.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Honestly? Come right out and tell your friend your having a issue with with her. I did this recently with my BFF and it worked! Yes, she was mad but not for long. Good luck! AP:) i had the same issues with friend. as a result of my honesty, we're not friends anymore, and i truly don't miss her. but why is it that bringing up problems with friends is often much more difficult than with a lover?!
Meaplus3 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 i had the same issues with friend. as a result of my honesty, we're not friends anymore, and i truly don't miss her. but why is it that bringing up problems with friends is often much more difficult than with a lover?! My guess? It's a female thing! I know I have had many cat fight's with my girl friend's and nothing like a dispute with a lover. While I think most men have a male version of pms to some degree, I think us woman have a tad bit more going on in the hormone dept. Just my 2 cent's! AP:)
Author moredeborah Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Hello everyone. So, after Christmas I'm sitting at my desk and Lois practically ran up to me and gushed over her new diamond earrings. "oh they're so cute, I'm so happy! My boyfriend is already planning on getting me bigger ones for my birthday!!!" The whole shebang about how she's so happy about her diamond earrings. I was happy for her that she got something she liked and told her that it was awesome. She then asked what I got and I said a toaster oven. Her reply: "Oh that sucks." My reply to that, "I don't need diamond earrings to make me happy Lois." And then after that another girl (Mandy) said she got a promise ring. We all looked and it was so beautiful! Mandy said it cost her boyfriend over a grand. Lois says: "Why spend that much on JUST a promise ring? Your engagement ring better be twice the size of that." I said: "Why do you have to be such a downer? Are you trying to make everyone sad about their presents?" and she didn't even know what to say. Since then she's been quieter. I hope it stays that way.
johnnyj Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Hello everyone. So, after Christmas I'm sitting at my desk and Lois practically ran up to me and gushed over her new diamond earrings. "oh they're so cute, I'm so h.... Hi! Boy, that Lois sure is one piece of work. You sound like such a nice and down to earth person, but your friend is very materialistic -- and arrogant. There are probably a lot of "her types" that would put her in her place real fast, so this may be why she likes to hang with you and run her mouth like that. Oh well.. when you have these exchanges and they upset you, just remind yourself it only happens because she's a disrespectful bitch. That's the bottom line IMO.
mistieyed Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Hello everyone. So, after Christmas I'm sitting at my desk and Lois practically ran up to me and gushed over her new diamond earrings. "oh they're so cute, I'm so happy! My boyfriend is already planning on getting me bigger ones for my birthday!!!" The whole shebang about how she's so happy about her diamond earrings. I was happy for her that she got something she liked and told her that it was awesome. She then asked what I got and I said a toaster oven. Her reply: "Oh that sucks." My reply to that, "I don't need diamond earrings to make me happy Lois." And then after that another girl (Mandy) said she got a promise ring. We all looked and it was so beautiful! Mandy said it cost her boyfriend over a grand. Lois says: "Why spend that much on JUST a promise ring? Your engagement ring better be twice the size of that." I said: "Why do you have to be such a downer? Are you trying to make everyone sad about their presents?" and she didn't even know what to say. Since then she's been quieter. I hope it stays that way. so glad you said something to her - it felt good i bet. just remember noone has the right to treat you badly (whether it appears to be intentional or not).
Author moredeborah Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I just wanted to let everyone know that I am so thankful for your support and help with this issue. Every time she says something negative to put me down, its getting easier and easier for me to say something back. Eg: Today I was telling her about this local fondue restaurant that I went to the other day. She said: "Debbie, that place is so not worth it." and I said, "It is to me. I'd rather sit and be served than prepare all of that stuff at home. Besides, the ambience is nice." It's weird to me that I couldn't do that before and I can now. So, again, thanks.
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