Completely stumped here

[scchoetatt]

Ok, let me give you a bit of background before I get to what is confusing me.

 

I have been married for almost 14 years, and have known my wife for more than 15. I am in my mid-30's and we have a young daughter. Over the last 4-5 years I have become incresingly unhappy with my marriage, and it all stems fromt he fact that my wife is VERY lazy, and I always find myself explaining the simplest tasks to her not once but multiple times. I also hate the fact that she seems to ignore my feelings whhen it comes to parenting and it makes me VERY angry! (no I have not, nor would I ever hit her, I just get mad). I will admit that I have all but given up on trying to express my frustrations to her, because I feel like I am talking to a 6 year old and nothing appears to be actually sinking in.

 

I recently spent a year away from my wife for work, and I met a very nice lady on the flight that I ended up becoming friends with a few weeks into the trip. She was over there doing some work totally unrealted to my work, but we were there for the same amount of time. We became pretty close friends, but about 8 months into the trip, that relationship turned intimate and stayed that way until the day I left to return to my wife.

 

The short version is that my wife discovered the affair, filed for divorce, and I talked her out of it. The bottom line is that I would be TOTALLY ruined financially if I were to get divorced right now, so I talked my way back into her life. The weird part is that from the first day I got back into the house she has basically been ALL OVER me sexually... and I am honeslty just not feeling it. I find it confusing that she wants me so badly even though I cheated on her, and that confusion just zaps any sexual energy I might have had.

 

To make things worse I have not had any contact with the OW since about two weeks after I returned to the USA (it has been several months now) but I find myself thinking about her CONSTANTLY!!!

 

Me and the OW had a very serious relationship going, not just a fling... I was all but convinced that my marriage was over anyway, and even though that was pretty stupid on my part, I really went for it with the OW and now I miss her terribly.

 

I am currently still with my wife, living at home and trying to find a spark to get things on track again, but I am not so sure I can... I hate this! I also find myself wanting to contact the OW all the time... but I don't because I know how she feels (she wants all of me and until I am single she is done with it) so I have not.

 

I left out huge portions of this story, but I think I laid out enough of it for you to get the idea. Any suggestions?

[Ronni_W]

Any suggestions?

 

Not a suggestion but a question: Are you planning to leave your wife when a divorce would not have such a devastating financial consequence on you?

[annabelle75]

Ok, let me give you a bit of background before I get to what is confusing me.

 

I have been married for almost 14 years, and have known my wife for more than 15. I am in my mid-30's and we have a young daughter. Over the last 4-5 years I have become incresingly unhappy with my marriage, and it all stems fromt he fact that my wife is VERY lazy, and I always find myself explaining the simplest tasks to her not once but multiple times. I also hate the fact that she seems to ignore my feelings whhen it comes to parenting and it makes me VERY angry! (no I have not, nor would I ever hit her, I just get mad). I will admit that I have all but given up on trying to express my frustrations to her, because I feel like I am talking to a 6 year old and nothing appears to be actually sinking in.

 

I recently spent a year away from my wife for work, and I met a very nice lady on the flight that I ended up becoming friends with a few weeks into the trip. She was over there doing some work totally unrealted to my work, but we were there for the same amount of time. We became pretty close friends, but about 8 months into the trip, that relationship turned intimate and stayed that way until the day I left to return to my wife.

 

The short version is that my wife discovered the affair, filed for divorce, and I talked her out of it. The bottom line is that I would be TOTALLY ruined financially if I were to get divorced right now, so I talked my way back into her life. The weird part is that from the first day I got back into the house she has basically been ALL OVER me sexually... and I am honeslty just not feeling it. I find it confusing that she wants me so badly even though I cheated on her, and that confusion just zaps any sexual energy I might have had.

 

To make things worse I have not had any contact with the OW since about two weeks after I returned to the USA (it has been several months now) but I find myself thinking about her CONSTANTLY!!!

 

Me and the OW had a very serious relationship going, not just a fling... I was all but convinced that my marriage was over anyway, and even though that was pretty stupid on my part, I really went for it with the OW and now I miss her terribly.

 

I am currently still with my wife, living at home and trying to find a spark to get things on track again, but I am not so sure I can... I hate this! I also find myself wanting to contact the OW all the time... but I don't because I know how she feels (she wants all of me and until I am single she is done with it) so I have not.

 

I left out huge portions of this story, but I think I laid out enough of it for you to get the idea. Any suggestions?

 

Never stay in a marriage for financial reasons. It will hurt your W more if she realizes you only stayed with her for convenience. If you no longer want to be in your marriage than you need to be honest with her and yourself. Your feelings for the OW really should not have any bearing on wether or not you end your marriage. Make the choice based on how you would feel if she was not in the picture.

 

You also need to ask yourself if "financial ruin" is just an excuse to stay where you actually want to be. No matter what the consequences people rarely stay in a situation they don't want to be in. Once you figure out why you felt the need to fight for your marriage you will be able to sort out where to go from here.

[Sleeplesstoo]

Hi SC,

 

I am new here too. I am experiencing a division of affections myself right now and while mine does not have the potential to go anywhere else yours does. As far as your feelings go, it sounds like you left the country feeling a lot of resentment towards your wife for all the reasons you expressed above. That is strike 1. Life was not pleasant for you. You then removed yourself from an unpleasant environment, which was probably a relief in some ways, and that was strike 2. Strike 3 was of course meeting this other woman who you developed an emotionally intimate relationship with which later turned physical. You like me have 1 foot in two different worlds and until you are able to step from 1 world to the other you will have no peace. I know because I am there too.

 

Maybe your wife thinks the way to hold your attention and wage war against "the other woman" is to overwhelm you with her sexual attentions. Maybe she thinks that is the only way to hold on to you long term. I don't know, that is hard to say.

 

I know for women sex begins between the ears, and maybe that is the case with you too at this juncture of your relationship. And of course it is human nature to want what we can't have and to be less interested in what is too readily available. The neediness of another can sometimes be a big turnoff.

 

I sincerely hope you find your way to whatever brings you peace and happiness, be it with your wife or the other woman. While financial ruin can be devastating so can a lifetime with the wrong person. Best to you.

[BetrayedMM]

Obviously, you don't respect your wife... It seems you don't love her at all and want out of the marriage. So, you are staying for financial reasons? You will never be happy in that situation- you are selling your happiness.

 

Why would she be all over you sexually? It is counterintuitive after all...

It's instinct, and it's very common for the BS to do this. It's more or less an attempt to keep the WS from straying... there are in depth reasons for this that apparently have a lot more to do with biology and procreation than emotions, which may tell them to do the opposite. If you think YOU'RE confused... She'll be so confused that she may be questioning her own sanity.

 

Here's another possibility- she may be cheating on you. Sometimes women will repeatedly go back and forth between partners in a sexual frenzy known as sperm competition. Again, biological reasons, in this case serves towards evolution- the theory being they are driven to do this so the stronger sperm fertilizes the egg. May sound disgusting, but, believe me, this is very common behavior too.

 

I guess those are the things that you're stumped on?

[whichwayisup]

Ask yourself why is it that you begged your wife for another chance? If you aren't willing to work at your marriage, to go to counselling, to put in the effort, why bother? It seems you want the OW more than you want your wife. SHE is trying and honestly, she is NOT the one who cheated, you are!!

 

Communicate what you are feeling to your wife. If you really feel your marriage isn't worth saving, get a divorce because it isn't fair to her, she deserves a man who will love her and not cheat on her.

 

Now, if you want your marriage, then work together to fix it. Tell her WHY you chose to have an affair. Tell her all the things that bugged you before the A. Like her being lazy, not listening to you, not meeting some of your needs. I'm sure she has afew complaints as well to add...

[cj1988]

I agree, sounds like you are selfish and you DO NOT LOVE your W. Let her go ! If you are SOOOO into the OW, go to her and let your W find someone that is sexually attracted to her. If you stay due to finances your will divorce within time anyway.

 

Your W is all over you because she may really love you and now that she is aware you have cheated, she may have realized what she really wants, YOU for some reason. You are NOT a victim here, so please do not act like it. As for the OW, she will find another just as she has found you.

 

So, if you want the OW, cannot stop thinking about and wanting her, LEAVE now......pay the price financially, you need to pay some price for what you have done. Marriage is a commitment that is more sacred than any other in your life, if you cannot manage to uphold that, then you are LOST and need to make a decision.

 

Sorry if you think I am being cruel, but I do not feel bad for you at all. Yes, maybe your W was lazy whatever.....NO REASON TO CHEAT and fall in love with another......KARMA will kick your butt one day and then your W will find someone after what you have done and you will be the sad one then.

 

Trust me, you never know what you have until it is GONE. I am living proof that SOME not all marriages do not and will not survive infidelity. I am not even sure if he cheated or not, all I know is that I am over it and DESERVE better than the marriage I am in now, period....guess what, I WAS YOUR WIFE...I was all over him, he was distant and not attracted as much etc....now HE IS CRYING not me, too late....he should have thought about that before he started to treat me badly....his loss, not mine now.

[cj1988]

Hello BENT, I love you ! The other day I looked at my soon to be EXH and said, I may be BENT, but I am definitely NOT BROKEN and walked out the door to go out with friends LAUGHING ! I thought of you !

[JustBreathe]

Of course you want your lover instead of your wife. You've been with your wife 15 years and in any long term relationship there are bound to be resentments, ambivalence. Add children problems, money issues, and this further complicate things. You don't ever get to see the OW in stained sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt, taking out the garbage in an old robe and dirty slippers, sick with a cold, b*tchy with a bad case of PMS or hormonal changes, whatever. OW doesn't see you at your worst either.

 

You said you're angry. Have you made your needs clear to your wife WITHOUT anger and blame? What do you do when you're angry? Yell and scream? Put her down? What do you do to make things worse? My H did those kinds of things to justify his cheating. I was what he took all his own frustrations on. It wrecked my self esteem which was low to start with; I believed the things he said about me. At first, it was sex all the time, trying harder to please him and keep the man I loved and depended on so much. After all those years, I didn't know how to live without him. That was MY fault. I see how I contributed to things by neglecting myself.

 

You did it, not because you fell in love with the OW but because you focused on your wife's negative aspects. You stroked all that to facilitate what you did with the OW. You and OW only showed each other the best, positive of yourselves. But what really would happen if you lived 24/7 with the OW? Think hard. What kind of a woman must the OW be to sleep with a man married all those years? Could you trust her not to do the same to you one day after you were married a few years?

 

That said, if you truly aren't getting what you need and the W honestly could not ever fill the bill, then you must leave her. That would be only fair to her. She would hurt, but she would get over it.

[Happygrrl]

first off, you need to remember that you are the one who is to blame here.

How can you say your wife is lazy? If you have a young child in the house, I am sure she is busy enough taking care of him/her. Plus as in most cases, she is taking care of house, bills, and other stuff including maybe a job, even if it is part time. How is that lazy??

And I agree with what other poster said about trying to imagine living with the OW 24/7. You only saw the good stuff for a short period of time. You need to refocus on yourself, and the marriage to see if there is something worth saving. Seek counseling, and try to think back on the good stuff

[MrsHellnoFire]

When one is raising kids on their own 24/7 for some years, sometimes they do become scatterbrained. Every thought is interrupted and left unfinished because of the whines and cries. I personally felt intellectually stunted.

 

 

Anyways, is money worth your wife's happiness? Is it worth your happiness? The longer you wait, the more money you make, save, and the more your debts are paid off making you risk much more down the road. So do you want to be chained to this woman for 18 years or what? Don't continue doing something so "evil" and inconsiderate over money! If you won't do it now or soon, likely you will never find a financially suitable time to act this out. Are you planning on storing up a huge stash to get this accomplished or is divorce a pipe dream??

[OpenBook]

The short version is that my wife discovered the affair, filed for divorce, and I talked her out of it. The bottom line is that I would be TOTALLY ruined financially if I were to get divorced right now, so I talked my way back into her life. The weird part is that from the first day I got back into the house she has basically been ALL OVER me sexually... and I am honeslty just not feeling it. I find it confusing that she wants me so badly even though I cheated on her, and that confusion just zaps any sexual energy I might have had.

 

To make things worse I have not had any contact with the OW since about two weeks after I returned to the USA (it has been several months now) but I find myself thinking about her CONSTANTLY!!!

 

Me and the OW had a very serious relationship going, not just a fling... I was all but convinced that my marriage was over anyway, and even though that was pretty stupid on my part, I really went for it with the OW and now I miss her terribly.

 

I am currently still with my wife, living at home and trying to find a spark to get things on track again, but I am not so sure I can... I hate this! I also find myself wanting to contact the OW all the time... but I don't because I know how she feels (she wants all of me and until I am single she is done with it) so I have not.

 

Ask yourself why is it that you begged your wife for another chance? If you aren't willing to work at your marriage, to go to counselling, to put in the effort, why bother? It seems you want the OW more than you want your wife. SHE is trying and honestly, she is NOT the one who cheated, you are!!

 

Communicate what you are feeling to your wife. If you really feel your marriage isn't worth saving, get a divorce because it isn't fair to her, she deserves a man who will love her and not cheat on her.

 

Now, if you want your marriage, then work together to fix it. Tell her WHY you chose to have an affair. Tell her all the things that bugged you before the A. Like her being lazy, not listening to you, not meeting some of your needs. I'm sure she has afew complaints as well to add...

 

Now I understand why you tell some CH's to be completely honest with their W's, and others not to, WWIU. The inconsistency has been very confusing to me, but I get it now.

 

When you say "Be honest with your W", you don't really mean it. If scchoetatt was "honest" with his W, she would DEFINITELY file for a D because she would realize that he doesn't love her anymore and he's just staying in the M in order to not lose his @ss financially.

 

Your version of "honest" concentrates solely on damage control ("work on the things that led to the A in the first place"), and leaves out the parts that would break up the M ("I talked her out of a D because it would ruin me financially if we broke up -- NOT because I love her and want the M to work").

 

Frankly, my opinion on A's in general hasn't changed in spite of your excellent advice. Once the spouse (whether it be the H or the W) has taken that fatal step into a PA outside the M, there is no way the M can recover, and its remaining duration (if there is one) is nothing but a sham.

 

schoettat, I would cut your losses and move on. There's nothing left. The damage has already been done, by both you and your W. The M is dead, you have both finished it off.

[Happygrrl]

I don't think marriages just end like this. If you really want to work on it, seek counseling and see where it goes. But to try and blame what happened on the W, is just plain wrong. You are the one who messed up. Sounds like you have not communicated with your wife for some time about your feelings. Maybe try to get them all out, and see where it goes. If she already has come back to you, even based on a lie you told, maybe she is willing to hear anything you say. If it is financially bad for you, it will be bad for her also.

I think counseling in this case is what is needed. Some marriages can be saved if both people really want to try